Esme

I was scared out of my mind. I didn't like to admit it, but when Carlisle opened the door and silently reached for my hand, telling me without words to follow him into the small hospital room where I would meet Edward for the very first time, all I felt was pure fear.

What if I couldn't do this? I had already let so many people down over the last year. My husband, my kids - Alice, Emmett, and our sweet unborn child who didn't even get to see the light of day. I had failed all of them because of my weakness. Not to mention that I had failed myself.

And now I was absolutely terrified that I would end up failing this boy as well. He hadn't even seen me in person yet, and still, somehow, he was already depending on me. This meeting today was simply a formality - all the arrangements had already been made. We were taking him into our home, into our hearts, and there was only one single thought that kept running through my mind, over and over again.

What if I wasn't strong enough to give him what he needed? What if I didn't have it in me? God knew I had pushed my family away and selfishly ignored my responsibilities before.

But maybe this was my chance to make things right. If I could help this poor, damaged boy who had been hurt and abandoned by those who should have loved and cared for him unconditionally, then maybe I would finally be able to let go of the guilt and live with myself.

We were doing the right thing - I just knew it. Even so, I was still afraid. But I just had to remind myself to put my own fears aside, because at the end of the day, this wasn't really about me. It was all about the boy on the other side of the door. So I took a deep breath, and stepped inside.

Carlisle had warned me that Edward would be in a bad condition, and I had tried to prepare myself for the worst. But that didn't keep my heart from aching when I saw him in that hospital bed. He just looked so small and vulnerable, and I felt an instant need to protect him.

I could see traces of healing cuts and bruises covering most of his face and arms, and I felt a sickening sensation in my stomach when I thought about how he must have looked the day he was first brought in. But I somehow managed a smile, because he was looking in my direction and I could see him watching me with a mixture of uneasiness and reservation.

When Carlisle softly cleared his throat and gave me a nod of encouragement, I took a tentative step forward. "Hi, Edward, I'm Esme - Carlisle's wife. It's very nice to meet you." He didn't respond, and I remembered my husband telling me that he didn't talk much. I hesitated a little. "Well, we are so happy you're going to be living with us. I really hope you'll like it in Forks."

Edward glanced at Carlisle, then looked back at me and swallowed. "Forks is far away from here, right?" he finally asked, almost in a whisper. I was a bit taken aback, having not really expected him to say anything, let alone ask a question, but I quickly recovered.

"Yes, it's in Washington, and it's about 1800 miles from here," I told him carefully, not sure how he would react to the news. But he just nodded, and I wondered what kind of thoughts were going through his mind in that moment. He seemed anxious and guarded, but at the same time accepting and almost relieved, and I suddenly got the feeling he actually welcomed the idea of getting as far away as possible.

I figured it made sense after what he had been through.

It also broke my heart.

oOoOoOo

"What's wrong?" I asked worriedly, because I could hear the strain in his voice, even though I knew he was trying to hide it from me.

"I just got a call from school." Carlisle sighed. "It happened again, and I need you to go pick him up. I'm sorry - I'd go myself, but-"

"Don't be ridiculous," I cut him off, trying to suppress my growing irritation. "You're at work - there's no reason for you to leave when I'm just sitting here at home. We've already been through this. I'll go get Edward." He didn't respond right away, which only made me angrier. "What? Don't you trust me with him? After all this time, you still don't think I can handle it?"

"That's not true, Esme, and you know it." He started to sound annoyed as well. "All I'm saying-"

"Whatever, Carlisle. I've got to go - I don't want to keep Edward waiting any longer than necessary." With that I hung up the phone, sighing loudly as I grabbed my car keys and headed for the door. I felt bad for snapping at him, but sometimes he made me so frustrated. Although he kept denying it, I knew I was right - my husband didn't trust me completely.

And the worst part was that I couldn't really blame him. I had brought this on myself.

There was a time when I had been in such a dark place that I couldn't see any other way out. I just wanted the pain to stop, and for a brief moment, dying had seemed like the only option. Thinking back now, I realized how incredibly selfish I had been. Carlisle had suffered the loss of our child as well, and I didn't even think twice about what losing me too would do to him, or to the children.

Thankfully I had failed. But now I had to live with the fact that I had hurt the man I loved beyond repair. Carlisle still loved me - I didn't doubt that. But I also knew there was a part of him that would never be able to truly forgive me. At least Alice and Emmett didn't know the truth - I didn't think I could bear seeing the disappointment in their eyes as well.

Edward had entered our lives as a most welcome distraction, and I finally felt like my life had been given new meaning - suddenly my own pain didn't seem as significant anymore. It was still there, but I was able to put it behind me and move on, focusing on the present instead of dwelling on the past. Edward needed me, and I was willing to do whatever I could to make him feel loved, safe and happy.

That was if he would just let me.

School had turned out to be a lot harder than any of us could have predicted. Edward was having serious problems adjusting, and he seemed to have developed some kind of social phobia that made him panic whenever someone got too close. He couldn't handle crowded places, and when it became too much for him, he would simply black out. It was downright gut-wrenching to witness his episodes.

And apparently, there had just been another incident. Carlisle had firmly insisted the school would inform us immediately when it happened so one of us could come pick Edward up and take him home. But when he said 'us', I had a feeling he had actually meant himself. I couldn't deny that I had a harder time dealing with Edward's episodes than Carlisle, but that didn't mean I wasn't trying.

Edward was gloomy and quiet as I gently ushered him into the house about half an hour later, and he hadn't said a word in the car on the way back. Still, he had looked relieved when he saw me and realized I had come to bring him home. It broke my heart that he was having such a hard time, and I didn't know how to help him.

"I don't know about you, but I'm kind of hungry." I went over to the fridge. "How about I'll make us some sandwiches? Oh, and maybe some hot chocolate. You like that, right?" He nodded, so I quickly gathered everything I needed and started preparing our snack. I had made a batch of chocolate chip cookies this morning, so I grabbed a few of them as well.

I didn't miss how Edward eyed the cookies with interest, but instead of reaching for one right away, he picked up the ham and cheese sandwich I had put down in front of him and took a big bite. It didn't take long before he had finished it. In fact, he always seemed hungry when he got home from school. At least there was nothing wrong with his appetite.

"Would you like to talk about what happened at school?" I asked softly as he reached for a cookie. He tensed up and gave me a worried look, but remained silent. Maybe I should have just let it go, but I wanted him to know that he could confide in me. "Did someone say or do anything to you? Any of the other kids?"

Edward shook his head, putting the cookie down on the table in front of him. "No. I just..." He averted his eyes, clearly uncomfortable.

I didn't want to keep pushing him, but I couldn't just let the matter drop, either. "What, sweetie? You can tell me."

He glanced at me briefly, then looked away again. "It's nothing." I opened my mouth, but he went on before I could say anything, "Can I go upstairs? I've got homework."

"Oh, of course." I hesitated a little. "Do you want some help? I've got time before I have to start with dinner." He shook his head, and I tried to hold back my disappointment when he quickly got up and left the kitchen. I told myself that it didn't have anything to do with me - he was just used to doing things by himself. Something told me his mother had never volunteered to help him with his homework.

Well, I would just have to give him some time. Surely it wouldn't take too long for Edward to see that I was more than happy to be there for him in any way I could.

Right?

oOoOoOo

"Emmett, stop it, give it to me! Mom! Mom!"

I almost dropped the large bowl of popcorn I was carrying as I rushed into the living room. Emmett was standing on the couch with the remote to the DVD player in his hand, waving it in the air out of Alice's reach and laughing obnoxiously as she tried in vain to take it from him. I sighed. "What's going on here?"

"Mom, Emmett won't give me the remote and it's my turn to pick the movie!" Alice stomped her foot angrily. "Tell him to stop being a jerk."

"Alice, please, watch your language. And Emmett, stop teasing your sister." I shook my head in exasperation. They both mumbled an apology and Emmett quickly sat down, handing the remote to Alice. I put the bowl down on the coffee table and Emmett immediately dove for it like he was starving and we hadn't just eaten dinner ten minutes ago.

Edward had been quiet the whole time, but I noticed how his eyes had darted between Alice and Emmett as he silently watched their banter. The two of them would tease each other all the time, and I figured it would take some time for Edward to get used to it, seeing how he had always been an only child.

Carlisle was working late, so I had suggested a movie night, thinking it would be nice to do something together with the kids. They were growing up so fast, and I feared it was just a matter of time before they would consider themselves too old to hang out with their parents on a Friday night. At least so far no one seemed to mind my company. And I planned to enjoy it for as long as I could.

Things were nice and quiet for about twenty minutes as all three kids seemed completely engrossed in the movie. Then the comfortable silence was broken as Alice swatted Emmett lightly on the arm. "Emmett, quit hogging the bowl! Save some for the rest of us!" She pushed his hand away and reached into the bowl, grabbing a handful of greasy popcorn.

"Sorry, jeez!" Emmett scowled at her. Then he turned to Edward who was sitting by himself in one of the arm chairs. "Here, want some?" Edward gasped and nearly jumped a mile, having clearly been focused on the movie and was obviously startled by Emmett practically shoving the bowl in his face.

Emmett's eyes widened in alarm as Edward instinctively squeezed his eyes shut and ducked his head, shrinking back into the chair with his hands protectively in front of his face. I shot Emmett a look of disapproval, but he already looked so guilty and ashamed that I didn't have the heart to scold him, especially since it clearly had been unintentional. He just had a way of acting first and thinking later.

So instead I quickly moved over to Edward, crouching down next to him and placing my hand on his arm. "It's okay, sweetie, Emmett didn't mean-" That was how far I got before he was already out of his seat and across the room.

"Don't touch me!" he yelled, backing up against the wall. I was up before I even realized I had moved, holding up my hands in what I hoped to be a non-threatening gesture. My heart was beating rapidly and I felt a huge lump form in my throat as I desperately tried to remember how Carlisle usually handled these kind of situations.

"Mom?" Alice sounded close to tears, but I just waved her off, even though it hurt my heart to ignore her. Right now, Edward was my priority.

"Edward, honey, listen to me..." My voice trailed off when he stared at me with panic in his eyes, as if he was just bracing himself for the pain. It wasn't the first time he had reacted this way, and I knew Carlisle had given me thorough instructions what to do if it happened while he wasn't around, but suddenly my mind was blank and I was at a complete loss.

I watched helplessly how Edward slid down to the floor, his eyes clouding over, and I felt like he was looking straight through me at something in the distance that only he could see. Letting out a trembling breath, I approached him very slowly, only to stop a few feet away, because I was terrified of agitating him any further.

Luckily, in that moment, the front door opened and my husband stepped into the house. I don't remember ever being so relieved to see him before and I felt my eyes tear up. "Carlisle," I whispered, a pleading note in my voice as I was silently begging him to step in and make things all right.

He took one look at Edward's huddled form on the floor and jumped into action right away. I somehow managed to snap out of the daze and quickly sent Alice and Emmett upstairs. Then I slipped out of the room and into the kitchen, leaving him to deal with Edward best he could, because unlike myself, I trusted Carlisle to be able to calm him down and bring him back to the present.

All I could do was cry.

oOoOoOo

"Asshole."

"Dickhead."

"Fuckwit."

"Cocksucker."

I gasped loudly at the foul and horrendous words coming out of my boys mouths. "Emmett and Edward Cullen, stop that right now!" I was absolutely livid. Both of them startled and spun around, having obviously not heard me enter the room.

Emmett gulped, looking like a deer caught in the headlights. "Oh. Um, hi, Mom. What's up?"

"Don't 'hi, Mom' me and don't you dare give me that innocent look, young man," I warned, still fuming. "I want to know what in the world you two mean by calling each other such awful names." They both just looked at me blankly. "Well?" I demanded.

Edward lowered his eyes in shame. "It wasn't-"

Emmett cut him off, "We weren't actually saying it to each other. We were just..." he hung his head, clearly embarrassed by getting caught. "It was just a game. We were trying to see who could come up with the biggest insult." He paused before adding thoughtfully, "Think it was a tie."

For a moment, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Why was it that when the two of them finally seemed to bond, it had to be over something so vile? I shook my head in disgust. "Really, Emmett? That's just horrible. Was it your idea? You should be ashamed of yourself."

His mouth fell open. "Hey, that's not fair! Why do you automatically assume it was my idea? Maybe Edward's the one who started it." I glanced over at Edward, who looked like he wanted to just crawl under the nearest rock and hide.

"Edward?" He turned to look at me with fear in his eyes, and I struggled to keep my voice as calm as I could, "Was it your idea? I'm not angry, but I want the truth, because this is just not acceptable."

He swallowed and quickly shook his head. "It was Emmett's idea. I just went along with it." I could see the sincerity in his eyes.

"Well, thank you for being honest." I sighed. "All right, as happy as I am to see you two getting along, you better find some less offensive game to play the next time. Have I made myself clear?" Both boys nodded in acceptance, although Emmett still looked slightly put out. "Good. Dinner will be ready in an hour."

As soon as they had left the room, I let out a snort of amusement. For some reason, as strange as it seemed, I actually felt lighter than I had in a long time. If only it would last.

Deep down, I already knew it wouldn't.

oOoOoOo

Edward's eyes were bloodshot and red-rimmed, and I instantly knew he had been crying. I also knew he would never admit it. How badly I wished I could just take him in my arms and hold him, offer him all the love and comfort a mother should be able to give her son when he was hurting.

But I couldn't. Because he wouldn't ever let me touch him.

I hated it, and more than anything, I loathed the heartless woman who had given birth to him and then betrayed her precious little boy in the worst way imaginable, because it was all her fault. Hers, and that heinous monster she called her husband. If I could, I would happily kill both of them on the spot.

"What were you dreaming, sweetie?" My fingers itched to reach for him. But I couldn't. "Talk to me." He stubbornly shook his head and wiped at his eyes. "Okay. What if I'll go get Carlisle? Will you talk to him?" It was the middle of the night and my husband was sound asleep, exhausted from working another double shift at the hospital, but I would wake him up in an instant if Edward asked me to.

"No!" he choked out angrily, rolling over on his side so he was facing away from me. His breathing was coming out in sharp, ragged gasps, and I knew he was struggling desperately to settle down and get his emotions under control. He shouldn't have to do it alone. But he just wouldn't accept any other way.

I was so certain I had already experienced the ultimate pain when I lost my baby a few years back. This was different, but it hurt all the same. And just like then, I was helpless, powerless.

"I'll just stay here for a while, then," I assured him quietly, not surprised when my voice cracked at the last word. "We don't have to talk, and I won't bother you. You can go back to sleep if you want."

I wasn't really expecting him to respond, but when almost a minute had passed, he did. "I don't," he whispered hoarsely. I felt a pang in my chest, because something told me he hadn't intended for me to hear him.

"That's all right." I automatically lifted my hand to place it soothingly on his shoulder, but thankfully realized what I was doing at the last second and let it drop before making contact. "You don't have to."

"But I'm tired," he croaked, and I heard him try to stifle a sob, either from defeat or frustration. I wanted to help. I wanted to console him and take his pain away. But he wouldn't let me. So I just sat there quietly, and eventually, after what seemed like hours but couldn't be more than ten minutes at the most, I could hear his breathing even out as his body finally gave in to exhaustion.

oOoOoOo

"It's just getting worse, Carlisle. He's angry all the time, and his language is absolutely horrid." I wiped away a tear. "I just don't know what to do."

"I know." He sighed. "I suppose it makes sense in a way. Edward has so much repressed anger and pain inside, and he refuses to let it out and deal with it in a healthy way. None of the therapists he's been seeing has been able to get through to him, and there's only so much they can do when he simply won't open up to them. They can't force him to talk - it doesn't work that way."

"Sometimes I wish they could," I confessed guiltily. I was ashamed to admit it, but there were times when I wished we had pushed Edward more from the beginning, insisting he would let us in and not taking no for an answer. I shook my head. "I'm afraid for him, Carlisle. I'm so afraid of what his life is going to be like if he keeps this up. What if he'll never be able to connect with another person in any way?

He was quiet for a moment. "You have no idea how badly I wish I could promise you it won't come to that, but..."

"But you can't," I finished with a deep sigh, feeling my eyes well up again. "I know that. It just tears me up inside."

As much as it pained me, there was no point in denying it. Edward was so much more traumatized and damaged by his past than we had first thought, and nothing we did seemed to help. I loved him deeply, but it just wasn't enough. He was simply incapable of letting anyone in, and while I knew I shouldn't take it personally, it was so very hard not to feel like I was failing him when he wouldn't accept my maternal love and affection.

It was frightening how cold and bitter he was these days, and I felt like I was just losing him a bit more each day. I had never told Carlisle, but I absolutely dreaded the day Edward would turn eighteen. Maybe I was being a little irrational, but I feared that when the time came, he would just walk out the door without looking back, without as much as a goodbye.

And then I would never see him again.

That night, I had just finished loading the dishwasher when Edward entered the kitchen. I gave him a soft smile, wishing against hope that he would return it. "Hi, sweetie. You missed dinner, but there's plenty of left-overs in the fridge. Do you want me to warm something up for you?"

He shook his head. "I'm not hungry." My disappointment must have shown, because the moment after he added, "Maybe later."

"Of course. Just let me know." I knew he was more than capable of fixing himself something to eat, but it was one of the few things he would normally allow me to do for him. He had always liked my cooking, and lately I had been feeling like I was grabbing at straws. Carlisle had warned me about spoiling him, but I could tell Edward had never taken me or anything around the house for granted.

"Okay." He turned to leave.

I panicked and called out for him, "Edward, just stay for a moment? Please?" Seeing how he was acting mostly civil and I never knew what mood he would be in the next time I saw him, I wasn't ready to let him go just yet.

"What's wrong?" His expression turned slightly alarmed. "Did I do something?"

"No, of course not." It broke my heart that his first reaction would always be that. "I was just hoping we could talk for a moment."

"Oh." He looked down at his feet, clearly uncomfortable. "About what?"

"Well..." I hesitated, knowing I needed to chose my words carefully. "How was your day?" He just looked at me, his eyes narrowing suspiciously, and I forced back a sigh. "I really want to know."

"Why?" he asked in a flat voice.

I looked him right in the eyes. "Because I care about you." He just mumbled something. "Edward?" I pleaded.

"My day was fine. I'm fine." He wouldn't look at me and I wondered which one of us he was trying the hardest to convince.

Somehow I managed a sad smile. "Why don't I believe you?" He opened his mouth but I held up a hand and shook my head. "I'm sorry, honey, I don't mean to imply that you're lying to me. But..." A bitter laugh escaped me. "Edward, you're not fine. You're always so angry, and... Just please tell me what to do to help you."

Something flickered in his eyes, but only for a second. Then the hardness was back. "I don't need any help. Just leave me alone."

I swallowed hard. "But I can't. Don't you see? You're my boy, and-"

He interrupted me, his words causing my already aching heart to shatter. "No, I'm not."

oOoOoOo

A door slammed somewhere in the house. Then I heard my husband's calm voice, "There's no need to get testy with me, son. I only asked you a question."

I was holding my breath as I waited for some kind of response from Edward, but there was only silence. A moment later, Carlisle slowly came down the stairs, a dejected look on his face. Then he spotted me. "I suppose you heard that?" I nodded sympathetically. "It's best to just leave him alone for now. He's not having a good day."

Was he serious? "Carlisle, when does he ever?"

He sighed. "What do you want me to say? I'm well aware of the problem, Esme. I'm sorry I can't just snap my fingers and make everything all right." He must have seen my hurt expression, because he quickly held up a hand. "I apologize - that was uncalled for. I just..." another sigh escaped him and he shook his head helplessly, looking lost.

My heart went out to him. I knew all too well how he felt.

"It's okay," I assured him. "I understand." He gave me a small smile and walked up to me, wrapping me up in his arms and pulling me close. I let out a content sigh, allowing myself to revel in the comfort of his embrace, if only for a little while. Things had been strained between us for a long time, and we both knew it. But thankfully, there were times when it was easy to forget and just live in the moment.

"Alice made a new friend at school," he told me after a few minutes of silence. "She was most excited."

I smiled. It was nice to know that at least someone in this family was happy these days. "Yes, she told me all about the new girl this morning. Apparently her name is Bella." I was quiet for a moment. "Do you think Edward will ever...?" I stopped, unable to finish the sentence, because I feared I already knew the answer, and it wasn't the one I wanted to hear.

Edward didn't have any friends. He always kept to himself, and he wouldn't even try to socialize with anyone. Emmett had lost his patience and given up a long time ago, and even though Alice would still try from time to time, she got absolutely nothing for her efforts. My youngest boy was a loner by choice and he obviously preferred the solitude.

It was like he had always been isolating himself from the rest of the world, and he didn't know any other way to live. It wasn't healthy, but if that was the way Edward wanted it, then how could we make him see that his behavior was downright destructive? He simply refused to listen to what any of us had to say.

Sometimes I got the disturbing feeling he was deliberately trying to frustrate us until the point where we would just say 'that's it' and give up on him completely.

It would never happen, though. I couldn't have loved Edward more if he was mine by blood, and I knew Carlisle felt the same. That's why it hurt so much. Over six years had passed since Edward first came to live with us. We had decided to take things a step further and adopt him - which unfortunately had turned out to be a long and complicated process - and his last name had been Cullen for a long time now.

But deep down, I couldn't help but fear that Edward would never fully think of himself as one of us. That he would always consider himself to be an outsider, a stranger in his own family. He had built thick, massive walls around himself, and it seemed to be impossible to tear them down.

He was so close by, and yet so far away - I just didn't know how to reach him.

And it was killing me.