Flowers Blooming in the Church

The ghost of a fallen comrade revives painful memories. A journey begins to find what was lost, to revive a piece of them that was suddenly taken away. The journey that wasn't seen.

WARNING: Cid's potty mouth, emo!Cloud and un-beta-ed.

Chapter 4

Cloud

Cid eyed Vincent. Vincent just stared straight ahead. Yuffie was gobbling up the food she stole from Tifa's cooking pot. Reeve (minus Cait Sith) was looking at his empty plate with his arms crossed. Red was patting his tail onto the metal haul of Shera, liking the way it thudded. Barret was grumbling incoherently to himself, adjusting his arm with the small tools found lying around in the ship. Tifa came out from the kitchen like everything was just normal as the sun going down each day. And Cloud sat at the table, avoiding the obvious tension.

Tifa placed his bowl onto his plate first, "glad to see you joining us for supper, Cloud." He nodded in response, grabbing his spoon. He was mighty starved.

Barret rose his fist and then smashed it against the table, shaking everyone out of their individual stupor, "mighty glad, fo' sure!" He started to grumble to himself once more, tinkling with his arm.

The interrupted silence was nearly disregarded until Reeve opened his mouth, "did you find anything?" Cloud didn't respond, just looked at Tifa who just returned the glare with nothing more than a smile. So Cloud did the same to Reeve who took that as a 'shut the hell up, Shin Ra spy'.

The bowls clanked as they were placed onto their plates. Otherwise, there was complete silence. Usually Cid's profuse language could be heard as he recapped the day's events, even if he wasn't on the team that day. And Barret would respond wholeheartedly and a heated debate would begin. Tifa would try to break them up while Yuffie egged them on. Red and Cait's discussion could be heard as the argument began to break up. Even Vincent's two cents could be heard, but only to the trained ear. And Aerith—No, she never got to see the Highwind. Cloud heard nothing and the silence was... well, driving him insane.

"You must be wondering what's going on," he started finally.

"You bet your fucking ass we are," Cid offered in the stead of Barret, who was clearly going in for the kill. Barret was just worried for Tifa, like they all were, but he was more prepared than the lot of them to skin a spiky ass in hopes of making her smile again.

"We're just worried, Cloud. That's all." Tifa... always there. Cloud supposed that she couldn't take him alone anymore. That's why she called the rest of the team. She was afraid of taking him alone. He couldn't blame her.

"We lost a lot during this battle," he pointed something everyone knew. Everyone was well aware of what they lost amongst the rubble of Midgar, in the centre of the Planet. A young flower girl, gone in an instant. "I see everyone moving on. You've found something before that final battle and you've never lost sight of it. I... I'm just lost." He looked down to his hands, trying to think of something to say next that would redeem him. Something that would make him seem like their leader again.

There was silence again, as everyone attempted to regain their composure. Only one girl, far too young to understand much of anything else but Materia and restoring Wutai, spoke out of the silence, "well then, find it! I'm so tired of you angsty guys thinking they have it so tough all while trying to look tough."

"Yuffie's right, Cloud," Reeve spoke next, "it's really time you do something about it."

Cloud sighed, "I just never thought about after the battle. Never about the future... All I was concerned about was revenge and saving the Planet from an impending doom… and now... I have nowhere else to go because I didn't think far ahead enough." Cloud stood up from his seat. "I'm sorry guys... just give me some more time," he apologized as he walked out.

Cid looked to Tifa who was clearly beside herself. He wanted to say something, anything to make her stay with them and figure out a way to snap the man back the normal. She was about to stand when Barret held her back to her seat with his good arm. "Leave the man alone for a bit Tifa. We all need to leave him alone." He looked to the table who all nodded in response. They agreed. The man needed his space. "The man's lost... I get it. What I don't get is why you called us out," he turned to Tifa.

"I-," she began, but wasn't certain of what else to say.

"I think I'm beginning to understand," the lot kept silent for a moment while Vincent spoke his clear, near infinite wisdom, "Cloud is searching for something he lost; and he needs our help to find it."

"...Aerith," Red replied, "he's planning to regain something he lost... Aerith."

"That's what I think," Vincent agreed in his gruff voice, looking at Tifa for her input. So were the rest of them.

She nodded. "Cloud... cared about her so much. Maybe her death did more damage than we could ever hope to repair."

"Tifa..." Barret held out his good arm, touching hers lightly.

"It's fine, Barret. All we can do now is to help him find a way."

"Perhaps we should return to Cosmo Canyon," Red offered, "my grandfather... he kept much of his wisdom on file."

"Then let's see if them fuel cells are up and runnin'!" Cid got up from his seat, wiped his mouth and implored his fellow teammates to join him in the hangar. Only Tifa and Barret remained at the table, their suppers left untouched.

"That bastard..." Barret cursed, his hand clenched tightly.

"Barret—! "

"No! Look at what he's dun to you Tifa! Why the hell do ya want this guy in your life?"

"He saved my life. More than once," she defended.

"So, yer gonna give your life to any Tom and Jim that walks along and saves you? Thought you were stronger than that..."

"No... It isn't that. I just... I know that he has no one else to confide in, Barret. Sure he has his teammates, people he counted on when he was afraid of himself and of the world that was collapsing around him. But... that was when he knew when and how to call out for help." She took her spoon and swirled her supper around, trying to make it look eatable. "I'm just trying to return a favour..."

"I know yer the only one that really gives a shit about the guy. I just dun want joo to get hurt, is all I'm sayin'."

"Yeah... I know Barret. Even if I do hurt, I can't help it."

"You got too much of a big heart, you know that?"

Tifa smiled. A big heart that hurts like the rest of them... If not more. She couldn't explain it... She knew she loved Cloud more than just a friend. It was impossible for her not to. But she knew it wasn't good for her. She knew he wasn't quite as invested in a relationship as she had wanted. He needed to heal.

"I wish I had a brain that went along with that heart... Maybe I would have figured out a way to help him by now."

Barret smiled back. "We'll think of sumthin'."

Once Cloud had left, he slipped out onto the deck, feeling the steady hum of the charging fuel cells just beneath him. The sea breeze was picking up. Standing out there alone made him wonder what the hell was doing out here. What the hell had he gotten his teammates into this time? He was so puny... so stupid... such a gods' damned idiot!

"I shouldn't have called Tifa... I knew I shouldn't have called her the moment I picked that phone up. I shouldn't have let her call the rest of them either. I'm such a weakling... I thought beating Sephiroth would... Would, what? Prove that I was stronger than those bastards in Shin Ra? Stronger than anyone could imagine? Stronger than the acclaimed GENERAL himself? What was it good for anyway. That's weak, Cloud, real weak."

He banged the railing with his fist, the muffled sound of the reverberation heard inside the Shera. He closed his eyes, wishing silently, "don't come out here... Just leave me be for a minute." And his wish was granted. Something faint ached inside of him. Maybe he really wanted to be found and told to stop being such an idiot and a wimp and act like a leader. The leader he used to be. Maybe he wanted someone to save him from his internal bashing.

"I just... still blame myself for everything, Aerith. I always had to tell myself that you knew you were going to die and that you were prepared to give your life for the Planet, like the rest of us. But I knew better... someone so full of life prepared to give their life like that? You had more of a future than any of us... I let you die and did nothing..."

He crumbled to the floor, holding his aching head in his hands. He hadn't been the same since the battle with Sephiroth. Everything seemed to ache at times. At times, his body would convulse randomly. His arm would at times secrete a thick brown liquid while he slept. And at times, he would wake up, his face and hair soaked with tears. Sometimes he thought it was punishment for what he did to the Planet's last Ancient. He knew that the Planet would reject him for his idleness. He needed to make amends.

"There's nothing else I'd rather do now...Nothing else I can do."

"Cloud!" The intercom came on echoing out into the quiet night, "get yer ass in the hangar! Tifa, Barret! You too! We're heading out. Them fuel cells are up and rearin' to go!"

Cloud smiled. He knew that he wasn't strong enough to do it himself. But he knew that he couldn't count on better people to bail him out.

A/N: Kind of happy with where this is going. Might have this one done in three more chappie's. Again, this isn't reviewed. I apologize for any obvious grammar or spelling errors. I did run a spelling/grammar check, but those things can do so much. As always, R&R mofos! Dun make me write another emo!Cloud chapter, yo!

-Peace, Project_Hypocrisy

EDITED: April 8