Acceptance-Chapter 4

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Stephanie's POV

It was a couple of days before I felt like I could even get out of bed- let alone be in public. I felt like the air had been let out of my balloon and I was just left with the thin skin. I felt hollow, empty. Yes, some people would say that there is no sense mourning this relationship- since there never really was a relationship at all. Just sex. But those people are wrong.

There was more feeling, more tenderness, more chemistry in the one monthly night I had with Ranger than there are for many people who "date." You see, Ranger may not have been able to give me much of himself, but he understood me in a way no one else ever had. I understood him, too- and that is what scared the hell out of him, that I could see past that blank mask into his soul. I saw things about him that he hadn't even admitted to himself, and vice versa. It was Ranger who understood the depth and reason for my on-again- off again status with Joe. It was Ranger who made me realize that nothing would work out with Joe. It was Ranger who gave me the confidence in myself to be a good bounty hunter. Pretty good for a relationships that is technically "just sex."

In those few hours, when Ranger let down his guard and became physically intimate, his emotions came rushing out , like water over a waterfall, before he could stop them. It wasn't a connection he would allow himself at any time other than during sex, when he could brush it off as part of the physical affects of sex. In the years that I had had this odd relationship with Ranger, I learned a truth about him that few people would ever know. It isn't that ranger doesn't have emotions or doesn't feel things- it is actually the opposite. Ranger feels too much. He feels the need to nurture and protect what he cares about. That is why Ranger has become so good at the blankface. If he can deny his emotions physically , it become easier to deny them mentally.

That is exactly why Ranger's life was so orderly. Why his life "didn't lend itself to relationships." Why he didn't even let himself love his daughter, or even a pet. Ranger knows that if he lets himself love anything, his emotions are so deep that it will overwhelm him and he will be vulnerable. He might get hurt. So he denies the possibility of any emotion entering his life by his military mannerisms, his pristine apartment with no photos or mementoes, his rigid black on black dress that squelches any possible spontenaity, He wouldn't even take me on a date, since he might have fun with me and then he'd want to have fun with me and then , well, that could lead to actually having a real relationship with me. And he definitely can't have that. So he "loves' me the only way he can- with cars, protection, a job. Seeing to my physical comforts and ignoring my emotional ones, just as he ignores his own.

I sighed and hiccupped and dragged myself upward in bed, my fuzzy slippered feet hanging over the side. Ranger and I had this conversation before, he knew that I knew his deep, dark, secret. He knew that I saw straight into his soul and I love him for the totally fucked up guy that he is. And it makes him nervous. It makes him have to face a truth that he doesn't want to face, admit what he doesn't want to admit- not even to himself. I knew his deep dark secret - it wasn't that he is Batman, it was that he is a normal man with normal man emotions. The thing was, Ranger knew that he was fucked up. He knew that he needed some serious therapy for whatever the hell had made him smother down his feelings in the first place.

My eyes clouded over with tears again as I realized that Ranger didn't want to change, because he felt safe and comfortable as he was. How ironic that a guy who will boldly jump out of airplanes, take on armed thugs barehanded, and engage in a rough firefight was terrified of something so harmless as having feelings. As much as I tried, I couldn't make him realize that loving someone wasn't a bad thing.

I shuddered to think of him with another woman, doing to her the same wonderful things he did to make my body hum. I couldn't imagine her touching his tattoos and her tongue licking his tiny hoop earring. But the part that I feared the most was that he would let her into his heart, when he worked so hard to keep me out of it. In a way, I kind of felt sorry for her. She didn't know what she was getting into. Not many women would accept the kind of relationship I had with Ranger and be content with it. No one else would see the terrified man that lived inside the brave, tough, muscular shell and love him anyway.

I sighed again and slowly worked my way out of bed. My feet hit the floor, then about ten seconds later , my torso rose off the bed. I felt as though I had been run over by a Mac truck and then dragged along under it for a hundred miles or so. Somehow my emotional pain was also turning into physical aches and pains. I caught a quick glimpse of myself in the mirror above the dresser, and I scared myself. My hair was sticking straight up in every direction, my eyes were huge and puffy, my face red and splotchy. I looked like shit. " At least I don't have to worry about looking sexy for a guy, " I thought to myself.

I stood in front of the mirror trying to work up the energy to get out of the apartment. Technically, I didn't HAVE to leave. I had told Tank that I had the flu and would be out for a couple days, so he wasn't expecting me in the office. But I needed to pay the rent and buy hamster food, so I needed to get my shit together and get out of bed. I tried to tell myself that losing Ranger wasn't the end of the world, but I didn't believe it. He had been the focus of my life for the last five years. when I wasn't with him physically, I was with him at work, or thinking about the next time I'd be with him. Now, I had no "next time." That bitch would be taking all of my next times.

I forced myself to shower and try to tame my hair and dress. I had to get my armor on to go back to Rangeman. The guys were so protective and they were perceptive. They always seemed to know when something was up with me, even when I tried to hide it. Lester and Woody had each called to see "how I was feeling." I wasn't sure if he meant from the flu I told them I had, or if Ranger had told them what happened. I smiled slightly despite my pain. Ranger had probably called Tank and the guys and told them what had happened and ordered them to look out for me. Once again, caring the only way he could let himself. Not that the guys needed to be ordered to look after me.

They certainly knew he was now based in Miami and they had to figure that would affect me. I looked out the window and saw a huge black Escalade with tinted windows parked about a block and a half away, a large figure barely visible inside. That confirmed that the guys knew what had really happened. If they thought I was sick, they'd have come over with soup and movies. They knew that Ranger and I had broken up, so they kept an eye on me while giving me some privacy. See, I told you they were perceptive. Thinking about the Merry Men reminded me of Ranger and how I would probably never see him again, and my eyes clouded up.

I finally decided I would have to be like Ranger and tamp down my feelings, at least until I was alone again. I spent a long time coating my lashes with coat after coat of mascara, hoping to find bravery in that pink and green tube.

I managed to get outside without tearing up again, and tried to pretend that I didn't see the Avalanche when I went outside. If the guys had wanted me to see that they were watching me, they would have knocked on the door. The Avalanche followed me at a distance, turning off just before the entrance to Rangeman. Wouldn't want to be too obvious.

I spent a few minutes in my car in the Rangeman garage, trying to make sure I looked normal- or normal for me , anyway. My eyes were a little puffy, but I was pretty sure the gobs of mascara would draw their attention away from the red puffiness. My nose was a little stuffy, but that would fit with me having the flu. I couldn't stay in the car too long. Ram or Vince would be watching my every move in the garage and informing Tank, maybe even Ranger. I shook my head as if to clear it. I couldn't think about Ranger. He chose to be out of my life- physically anyway. Form now on, Ranger would be a long distance boss, a signature on a paycheck.

I schooled my face not to contort into tears and tried to act normally as I got out of the car. I looked at the floor of the elevator, not really wanting to call attention to my puffiness and splotchiness. I took a deep breath and steadied myself as the elevator doors opened on the fourth floor.

I felt several pairs of eyes tracing my path across the floor to my cubicle. I sat down and turned on my computer, hoping some routine normalcy would calm my inner turmoil. Rodriguez had put about 100 searches in my inbox during the four days that I had been gone. Damn. Where the hell does he get all these names? I started the searches but soon found that almost everything about them, the military backgrounds, the Spanish speakers reminded me of Ranger. My eyes seemed to be permanently clouded up and I had to work to keep from shedding tears. I couldn't though. All the cubicles were monitored and I knew Vince would alert the other guys of any unusual behavior on my part- bursting into tears would NOT be a good plan. None of the guys had actually approached me yet, probably unsure of what to say or do. They were very aware of every movement I made, they were giving me assessing looks.

I grabbed my purse and ran to the one place where I would have privacy- besides the seventh floor, of course- I wasn't about to go there. Not without Ranger there. I made it into the cool privacy of the bathroom just as the tears started to fall.

Ten minutes later, I got out of the stall where I had taken refuge and set about fixing my hair and now ruined makeup. I added mascara, knowing that I would now have serious raccoon eyes. Shit. The guys were going to know that I had been crying. No way to hide it. I guess I could say that I am still congested from the flu. But they, Lester and Bobby especially, wouldn't believe that. They were especially attuned to my moods. Vince, too, and he was the one watching every move I made on the video cameras. They were probably timing how long I had been in here.

No sooner had I left the privacy of the bathroom when Vince approached me. Damn. Apparently the guys figured I had been in there longer than normal and sent Vince to check on me. Maybe I could claim it was my period. THAT would make them leave me alone- they'd run really fast in the other direction. " Hey, Steph,", Vince said, trying to sound casual. " How are you doing? Is, um, everything ok?" His eyes seemed to take in everything about my disheveled appareanace, from the red nose to the splotchy face, to the puffy raccoon eyes. I tried to smile my usual Steph smile that seemed to melt all the guys, but it felt as fake as I am sure it looked. "Sure, Vince," I am just a little weary from the flu.

He nodded and looked intently at me and I knew that he knew that I was lying, but he let it go. Several pairs of eyes followed me back to my cubicle as I tried to start the next phase of my life. The phase without Ranger.