A/N: I think I am almost at the twist. Keep reading! And reviewing? *hopeful look* I'll stop bothering you and let you get on with the story!

Chapter 4: The Retch-worthy Results

Next Saturday, Malfoy Manor

An owl flew up to the dining room window in the middle of the Malfoy meal. Draco looked and saw the dreaded Ministry bird.

"Well, mother. Fate has come a pecking."

"That isn't funny, Draco."

"Oh believe me, mother. I know. Must contain the name of some lucky witch."

They smirked in unison. It was just another day at Malfoy Manor. Draco reached the window, opened it and paid the owl. He opened his letter and began reading while feeling strangely nervous.

Dear Mr. Draco Malfoy:

This letter is to announce the results of the personality testing we have done for the Y.M.E. law. As you most likely already suspect, we have selected your life partner. She is someone who appears to fit the criteria of what you are looking for. We hope you learn to love each other.

A quick reminder: the rules of the first letter still apply. We expect your marriage within six months of you opening this letter. Your future wife must be pregnant within two years of that date. We wish you both much luck in your future together.

Without further ado, your future wife is one Hermione Granger.

Have a happy life.

Sincerely,

Kingsley Shacklebolt

Minister of Magic,

Ministry of Magic

"No way." Draco hit the floor as his legs gave out.

"Draco? Darling?" Narcissa frantically questioned him.

"I'm fine. Just shocked. Did NOT see this one coming."

"Who is it?"

"Granger."

"That mudblood with the terrible hair?"

"That's the one – though you know you aren't supposed to use that word anymore."

Narcissa ignored him. "But she isn't good enough for you!" Before he could protest, she continued. "Not because of the blood thing. I mean she's Potter's sidekick for heaven's sake!"

"Don't I know it." Draco paused and a new look of vulnerability entered his eyes. "For some reason, though, I feel like I am not good enough for her." Draco sorrowfully raised his eyes to his mother's.

Narcissa got up from the table and ran over to him, settling gracefully on the floor next to him when she reached his resting point. "That just isn't true, darling. And you know it!"

"Do I?" Both Malfoys remained silent, unable to share any more emotions.

OooooooooooooooooooOo

The Same Day, Hermione's Flat

"Okay. We agreed to open them together. Let's do it!" Ron tried to reassure Hermione. He couldn't change the fact that she felt sick, though. She groaned. "Still feeling sick?" Hermione suddenly stood up and ran to the bathroom. As she heaved her guts into the toilet, her only feeling was relief that she had put her hair into a high ponytail today. "You okay?" Ron's voice called to her.

She groaned and said, "Yeah. I'll be out in a second." Soon she felt better and rinsed her mouth in the sink. She walked back out to a concerned looking Ron. "So, let's open the letters."

"Okay." Ron handed her the envelope. They both stared for a minute. "It just looks evil, doesn't it?"

Hermione nodded her agreement. "Well," she ripped the seal open. She flashed a brief smile at Ron. Ron nodded and ripped his seal. Hermione pulled her letter out and began to read.

Dear Miss Hermione Granger:

This letter is to announce the results of the personality testing we have done for the Y.M.E. law. As you most likely already suspect, we have selected your life partner. He is someone who appears to fit the criteria of what you are looking for. We hope you learn to love each other.

A quick reminder: the rules of the first letter still apply. We expect your marriage within six months of you opening this letter. You must be pregnant within two years of that date. We wish you both much luck in your future together.

Without further ado, your future husband is one Draco Malfoy.

Have a happy life.

Sincerely,

Kingsley Shacklebolt

Minister of Magic,

Ministry of Magic

"Did they have to add the part about having a happy life?" Hermione asked faintly.

Ron simply said, "I got Luna."

"At least you'll have a happy life then."

"Who'd you get?"

"Mal-" Hermione paused, unable to spit his name out. She passed him her letter instead.

After a moment's scanning, Ron interrupted the building silence. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?! YOU ARE A WAR HERO! DOES THAT MEAN NOTHING TO THOSE- THOSE- THERE ISN'T EVEN A WORD EVIL ENOUGH TO DESCRIBE MY FEELINGS REGARDING THAT DAMN MINISTRY!"

"You know he's considered a war hero too, right?" Ron just spluttered. "I'll be fine." Hermione smiled weakly at her old friend. "It could be worse."

"HOW?!"

"It could be Goyle. Can you imagine? Gregory and Hermione Goyle welcome their first child: Sniffelous Goyle. Ugh. I'm torn between puking my guts out and uncontrollable laughter…"

Ron froze – then laughed. "Like you would name your kid Sniffelous."

Hermione laughed too. "Well, I'd have to submit to that pureblooded husband nonsense, you know, and let him pick the name."

"What about Malfoy?"

"I'll stand up to him. I daresay he'd be harder to love than Goyle or even Sniffelous."

Ron and Hermione looked at each other before dissolving into helpless laughter.

OooooooooooooooooooOo

Sunday Morning, Malfoy Manor

Draco stood in the corner of his study. Narcissa sat on his desk, patiently arguing with him. "I'm not ready for marriage!"

"I don't think that matters provided you can have children," Narcissa calmly replied.

"Oh crap! I have to have sexual relations with HER!"

"Sexual relations? Really, Draco." Narcissa began getting annoyed with her tantrum throwing teen.

"She. Is. Going. To. Have. My. Kid."

"Draco! Just send the letter already!" The letter in question had been written by Draco a half an hour previously. It was addressed to Hermione. Narcissa had been begging him to seal it ever since.

"Why didn't I marry Pansy?"

"Because she is a whore. No man wants something hundreds have touched."

"Mother!" It was Draco's turn to be surprised.

"Well, if you don't send that letter in the next thirty seconds," Narcissa paused, searching for an evil enough punishment. "I will describe my sex life to you. In great detail."

Draco narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn't dare."

Narcissa smirked. "Well, I was sixteen when I lost my virginity to your father. He was very rough so –"

Draco sprang to and sealed his letter. He then proceeded to shove the letter towards his personal owl while Narcissa laughed. The owl didn't fly out the window soon enough for poor Draco.

A/N: Poor Draco... no one wants to know about their parents' sex lives!