1Chapter 4: Singing, and It's Very, Very Bad

"Stupid mouse," sang Badrang, giving Martin a slap across the face. Martin could only look shocked.

"I still believe,

STILL BELIEVE!

That I could beat you, beat you, Martin,

If you would just,

Give me some tiiiiii-ii-ii-ii-eeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiime,

To fight you Martin one more time!"

At the last verse, Badrang sang so aggressively that Martin backed up against the wall, with the stoat standing VERY CLOSE to him.

"Stupid mouse," Badrang repeated, giving Martin another slap. "I still believe. . . ."

Badrang went on like for a couple of hours.

Finally Martin cried, "Oh, make him stop!"

"Why don't you just hit him?" Song asked.

Martin looked at her. "That's a good idea."

He punched Badrang in the nose.

It didn't do any good. Badrang just kept on repeating that horrible song, and slapping poor Martin across the face.

"Hey! Hey!" Martin cried, who was getting tired of this. "Mr. Author! Make him stop!"

"Hm, something's wrong with the remote. I'm gonna have to. . . ."

Silence (except for Badrang, and Martin's moans as the stoat slapped him repeatedly).

"Okay," said the author. "Gonff, point it at Badrang and press the red button."

"Didn't I already do that?"

"WELL DO IT AGAIN!!"

"Okay, okay, fine, sheesh." He pointed the remote at Badrang and pressed the red button.

Badrang stopped what he was doing and looked around.

Then he broke into a fit of giggles. "Heeheehee! I slapped Martin across the face and there was nothing he could do about it! Heeheehee!"

Martin snarled and was about to tackle the stoat when the author "magically" transported them back to their seats.

"Ok, Gonff," said the author. "Point the remote at whoever I say to."

"Why?"

"STOP QUESTIONING ME! I'M THE AUTHOR OF THIS STUPID STORY! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

So Gonff pointed the remote to every random beast that the author told him to. All the doors were closed (and locked), so nobeast could get away.

"Alright," said the author. "Point the remote at Dann."

Dann squeaked and tried to scramble under the table. Gonff put the remote under the table and hit the red button. When he did, Dann burst out from under the table, knocking the whole thing over, spilling all the food and crushing a lot of the other characters of this stupid story.

"You can say that again," groaned Triss as she crawled out from beneath.

Everyone's-

"That's everybeast, stupid!" snapped Dandin.

Fine. Everybeast's attention was soon diverted to Dann, who jumped up onto the stage. For some odd reason, Mokkan, Ascord, and Gelltor jumped on there with him.

"Why?" asked Gonff.

The author took in a long, sharp breath. "What have I told you about questioning me?"

"But you said 'for some odd reason,' and I want to know what is was!" objected Gonff.

The author took another long, deep breath.

Then he decided just to ignore the mousethief.

"Hey!" objected Gonff.

And so, as punishment to Gonff (and the others), Dann and the Marlfox brothers, to everybeast's horror, sang "Oops, I Did It Again."

I will not go into detail of what happened with this incident, except that Dann stood out in front on the stage and the Marlfox brothers acted like a chorus behind him.

In short, it was very, very bad.

After they were done, and after everybeast else was done losing their dinners-

"It's not fair! That dinner rocked!" Ferahgo whined, clutching his bare gut.

"Huh?"

"Remember how it said in the book that Ferahgo wore a kilt and crossbelt? It never said whether he was wearing the yellow shirt that people always give him," said the author matter-of-factly. "Now shut up, and point the remote at Triss and Kurda.

Gonff obeyed solemnly, despite the shrill warning cries of his friends and enemies.

Triss and Kurda got up onto the stage, put an arm around each other, and sang a duet of "I'm So Pretty."

Eh, let's skip this one too.

Cluny also jumped up on the table and sang "O What a Beautiful Morning."

"Oh what a beautiful mooooooooooooornin',

Oh what a beautiful daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. . . ."

This brought on a few weird looks.

Cluny also jumped off the stage and crouched down in front of Cornflower.

"When I take yah out in a flurry

With a friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinge on top (actually making a "pop"-ing noise with the last word). . . ."

Matthias got mad and punched Cluny right in the nose. The rat stopped singing and flew across the room and landed in a pile of broken furniture. And was thrown back out by an irate ghost.

"Hey wait a minute!" said Martin. "How is it, that Matthias, whose smaller and weaker than Cluny, was able to punch him and make him stop singing, whereas I, who am stronger than Badrang, wasn't able to make him stop singing when I punched him?!"

The author sighed. "Martin, shut up."

"Stop telling me to-"

"SHUT UP!!!" roared the author so that the house shook.

The ghosts of the house came out, very annoyed, shouting, "Hey could you guys keep it down a little, please?!"

"Certainly," said the author. "Now Gonff, point the remote at. . . ."

Dandin sang "Frosty the Snowman," while Mattemeo sang "Rudolf the Red-nosed Reindeer." Next Matthias sang "White Christmas."

"Hey wait a minute!" said Cornflower. "What's up with all the Christmas songs?"

"Because it was almost Christmas the time I was writing this part of the story," said the author.

"Huh?"

"Shut up."

Slagar sang "I Feel Like Chicken Tonight."

Eh, let's skip this one too.

And then Martin, ohhhhh, he sang the ultimate evil. Well, maybe. . . .

"And caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan,

you feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel,

the looooooooooooooooooooooooove,

toniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?"

"AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" screamed everybeast.

As if that wasn't bad enough, but, remember in Martin the Warrior where Martin said he had the worst singing voice in the whole world?

He was right.

Martin also got down off of the stage and got REAL CLOSE in Rose's face, making her lean back so far she actually fell out of her chair.

"No matter what happens," said Rose as she unplugged her ears after that little horror was done and over with (meaning that her beloved was finished). "I will never try to get him to sing again."

Next, Veil sang "Over the Rainbow," in a voice that was half singing, half crying. Somehow, all of the females' sympathy was aroused and they were all crying with him, wailing, "Oh, Veil is so unwanted!"

All of the malebeasts just sat and stared, either at Veil or at one of the females, except for Swartt, who laughed and laughed at his son. So that's why the author told Gonff to point the remote control at him.

Swartt sang "Sound of Music," in a high-pitched, girly voice. Everybeast laughed at him.

Deyna was the next victim, and he sang "Part of Your World." Everybeast sat up and gasped as they heard the song. A strange thing happened, though.

"I don't know when," sang Deyna with a cheesy grin on his face.

"I don't know how.

But I know soooooooomethings'

Starting right nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow.

Watch and you'll seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Someday I'll beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Part of yoooooooooooouuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrlllddd."

When he sang "World", a big wave of sea water suddenly washed over everybeast.

EVerybeast was very upset with the author.

"That's an understatement," growled Matthias as he plucked at his tunic.

"Hey!" said Mattemeo. "Mr. Author, you got a type-o!"

"Where?" asked the author.

"Right there, see? When you said that everybeast was upset with you? See the word 'everybeast'? The 'v' after the 'e' is capitalized."

"Oh, okay, thanks for pointin' that out."

"Just doin' my job."

"So am I," said the author smugly as he told Gonff to point the remote control at Song, Predak, Vannan, Ziral, and Lantur.

"Whatever they sing," said Matthias. "It can't be worse than what everybeast before them sang."

The squirrelmaid and Marlfox sisters suddenly struck a pose at the end of the stage, Song in the center. Music appeared out of nowhere, and it sounded a little familiar.

Just then the squirrelmaid and four vixens turned around, started strutting down the stage toward their audience. Song was the first to start singing.

"Yo, I'll tell ya what I want,

What I really really want."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" screamed everybeast.

The Marlvixens started singing.

"So tell me what cha want,

What ya really really want."

Song sang:

"I'll tell ya what I want,

What I really really want."

The Marlvixens:

"So tell me what cha want,

What cha really really want."

All:

"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna,

I really really really wanna zigazig, ah. . . ."

Yes, I know, everyone. The Spice Girls. The reader is probably going to hate me if they love Song and the Marlfox sisters and hate the Spice Girls. But don't worry, dear readers, they're actually quite nice singers, and make the act look good.

"If you wanna be my lovah,

You gotta get with my friends.

Make it last forevah.

Friendship nevah ennnnnnnnnnds.

"If you wanna be my lovah,

You have got to giiiiiiive.

Takin' is too easy

But that's the way it isssssssssssssssss."

Soon all five were prancing around the tables, getting REAL CLOSE to everybeast's face. Slagar, however, didn't mind when Lantur kissed him on the head. Nightshade did, however.

Just as the song was about to end, a huge, full-sized mirror appeared at the other end of the stage, and the five females strutted down to it, and began primping themselves in front of it.

"If you wanna be mah lovah. . . ."

Song was the first to leave the mirror.

"Lovah, lovah. . . ."

Predak was the second to leave.

"Lovah, lovah. . . ."

Ziral was third to leave.

"Lovah, lovah. . . ."

Lantur was fourth.

"Lovah, lovah. . . ."

Vannan turned and looked questioningly at the other four. "Is mah dress too short?"

"No," said Predak and Ziral, shaking their head.

Vannan pulled her dress (or tunic) up higher.

Song and Lantur gave each other a high five.

"I think my love of the Spice Girls has been renewed," said Gonff as he grinned at the squirrel and vixens.

Everybeast stared at him.

"What?" he asked defensively.

"Okay, so is that everybody?" asked the author.

"What?" said everybeast.

"I mean have you all had the remote pointed at you?"

"Yes," said Klitch, Ferahgo, and Nightshade.

"Nuh uh!" protested Mattemeo. "They didn't get it!"

"SHUT UP!" they roared. (Wow, everyone is going to have a sore throat before this is over)

Martin stood up with a bright smile on his face and said in a loud, clear voice, "Sunflash, Klitch, Ferhago, Bluefen, Bryony, Nightshade, Gonff, Rose, Cornflower, and Mariel have not sang, Mr. Author."

"Hey, so far, I'm practically forgotten!" cried Sunflash.

"What?" said the author.

"I haven't been written about since Chapter 1!"

"You were written about in small parts of the other chapters," countered the author.

"Yeah, but they were small parts!"

"That's because you were talked about too much in the first chapter," said the author.

"Was not!"

"Whatever. Let's get on with the story. Now then, as for those who have not sang yet, well, I'm too nice to make Bluefen sing."

"Awwwwwww," said Bluefen.

"And Mariel--"

"If you say I can't sing--!"

"No, no, you can sing just fine."

"I can?"

"Sure; Tarquin said so, remember?"

"Oh, right."

"But I'm not going to force her into singing. She needs a break after all she's been through."

"Awwwwwwwwwwwww."

"As for Gonff, he's holding the remote, so he CAN'T sing."

"Boy, am I glad of that," said Gonff, thinking of what terrible song he'd have to sing if he wasn't holding the remote. And he wouldn't be able to sing all those other cute little songs he comes up with in is head!

"Pity for him," grumbled Rose.

"As for Rose," said the author. "She sings too well. She makes any song sound good."

"Why thank you," said Rose.

"What about me?!" objected an outraged Song. "I sing well too, and yet I had to sing that horrible song!"

"Stop thinking of yourself and think of someone who really matters, like me," said Lantur.

"Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!" screamed Song as she tackled the pretty vixen.

Gonff gave a loud cheer and out of nowhere brought out a pair of pom poms and began waving them about.

Predak, Vannan, and Ziral separated them.

"Yes, and as for everyone else," said the author as though nothing had happened. "Gonff, point the remote at them, please."

"WHAT?!" screamed the remaining victims.

Gonff pointed the remote and soon they were all doing the Macarana.

All those watching shuddered.

"Oh yeah," continued the author when they finished. "And Ublaz isn't here."

"You mean he's still in the basement?!" cried Matthias.

"Man, how long does it take to find a mirror?!" cried Slagar.

"There isn't a mirror down there, I lied to him," said the author.

Silence.

"Why would you do something like that?!" cried Dann.

"Oh, just to torture you animals."

Silence.

"Uh, okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," said Dann.

"But I called him not too long ago!" protested Klitch.

"'Not too long ago'?" echoed Ferahgo, remembering all the long hours that passed between then and now.

Klitch rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"Well," said the author. "I suppose you all better go down into that deep, dark, veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery scarey basement to find him. BWA HAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Then he started coughing.