Thank you all for your lovely reviews again. I'm not sure enough happens in this one, it more about their emotional states, but I think its important for part of the story. Hope you enjoy
Chapter 4
"I'm sorry" she said, her simple statement cutting through the silence like the sharpest knife. "I'm sorry for everything."
The slight emphasis on the last word began to melt the cold chill around his ever aching heart. Everything he thought. Everything seemed the most appropriate, ideal and perfect summation, as both of them had many things to be sorry for. Her- for hitting striking him only moments ago. For crushing his hopes and desires when she had refused his proposal. For breaking his heart completely during their previous conversation, in that very office. Him- for failing to prevent her having to hide away in Spain. For putting them both in the position that had resulted in his harsh decisions about George and the boy. For the countless time he had coldly dismissed her concern and genuine friendship over the many years. Mainly, he was sorry for not telling her, that day on the docks, how he truly felt.
He raised his head slowly from his defensive hands. His eyes red and wet from the pain of recent events, he sighed and concluded, "I'm sorry for everything too." He felt a stab of fear as he watch her eyes attempt to blink away the pain that had filled them as she relived all that he was apologising for. After a moment, she smiled. A sad and tired smile, but he was pleased to now find an understanding in her eyes that told him she knew exactly what he meant. She always did he smiled inwardly to himself. He returned her smile wearily. After a short pause he added, "Albany isn't real Ruth."
Looking away and to the floor Ruth closed her eyes. Here we go again she thought, just as we were getting somewhere and he brings it all back to this place. Back to things he can deal with and… "What?" She had just digested what he had said and snapped to look at him intently with shinning eyes.
"It never worked" he clarified. "It was a threat that worked on the fear of its potential. It's not real."
Ruth's head was swimming with this new information. "But the Chinese…"
"Think it's real."
"The Home Secretary?"
"Yes."
"Harry, he said you were…"
"No he didn't."
"What?"
"He didn't say … that."
She stared blankly at him for a minute. She thought back to the phone call and slowly began to play the words over in her head. Finally, she let out a little cry. "Oh my…"
"Lucas."
She closed her eyes and cursed at her own foolish assumption. Lucas was dead. Not Harry. Lucas. With confusing difficultly she pushed this new information to one side. She wasn't strong enough to consider how she felt about his death at the moment. How she felt about the death of a dear colleague and friend or the death of a traitor who had, within the last twenty-four hours, threatened to kill her and take away everything that was worth living for.
Looking directly at Harry, she took a deep breath- she was still not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer to the next question that had found itself on the tip of her tongue. "Is that why you saved me Harry? Because it wasn't real?" There was no judgement in her tone, merely a curiosity, a trait that Harry had come to adore over the years.
"No" he ventured tentatively, his brain still frantically trying to formulate a response to this seemingly impossible question. "Well, yes… I suppose it was one of the reasons." Feeble. He saw the disappointment begin to shadow her bright eyes and he quickly added, in a slightly defensive tone, "I wasn't going to sacrifice you for a fake."
Looking back at the floor, Ruth turned his words over and over again in her head. Part of her wanted to ask more. Needed to hear what the other reasons were. Needed to know if Albany had been real, then what? However, daring a sideways glance at Harry, she knew he too was trying to push this scenario far from his troubled mind. She guessed it was something he had been trying to do ever since Lucas had taken her. She swallowed her curiosity and instead opted for a meek and long overdue "Thank you."
There was silence. A fresh tear leaving the corner of Harry's eye more than made up for any response. Looking at her feet, the wall, the door- in fact anywhere but at him, Ruth couldn't help but smile at the sorrowful realisation that they had become so good at communicating with each other, words now seemed the hardest challenge. Being painfully aware of this fact made finding anything to say next almost impossible. Finally resting her eyes on his jacket, which she had previously flung to the floor, she saw a possible opportunity to escape taking this situation any further. Bending low next to his chair she picked up the jacket and mumbled "I'm sorry Harry… about the jacket, I mean. I'll just hang it back up and then…"
"Ruth." He spoke so softly that Ruth looked up to check he had actually spoken. "Ruth" he repeated, the desperation and desire in his tone making her heart flutter and forcing her back so she rested on her heels, looking into his longing and wistful face.
"And then Harry, I must go and… the last bus you see…" Her voice trailed off as he gently leant towards her and cupping her elbows guided her to a kneeling position that meant her sparkling blue eyes where now level with his. "Ruth, I can't lose you" he said simply and with an earnest that set Ruth's stomach churning.
"Oh Harry. You're in shock" she stammered, yet she couldn't bring herself to tear her ever blushing cheeks from his intense gaze.
"No" he interrupted in a firm and determined tone "We do this now, Ruth, you hear me? I can't lose you, not again, not ever! I won't survive it Ruth. When Lucas took you from the operation it brought back all the fear I felt four years ago when you left. A fear of how the hell this place was going to survive without you. A fear of losing yet another officer in the field. A gut wrenching fear of not knowing you were safe and well." Ruth bit her lip to try and prevent the rising lump in her throat becoming another bout of tears. "But, ashamedly, Ruth" he continued, "It was a fear of never seeing you again. That I would never get to hold your hand, feel you soft skin and tell you…" his voice trailed off. Ruth couldn't take her eyes from him. His gaze was so blazed with determination, and something she couldn't quite identify, that she couldn't catch her breath. Gently he took hold of her trembling fingers and encased them in his. He leant so close to her that Ruth swore he must have been able to hear her heart pounding madly against her chest. She felt his soft and inviting lips brush her ear as he finally whispered those words. "I love you Ruth".
How will Ruth react? Find out soon! Please keep reviewing as its all great feedback and hopefully will help make better stories