Disclaimer: All characters property of Helen Fielding
Bridget Jones: Beyond Reason
Chapter IV
Repeat Performance?
Weight: 8st 8 (Must have been engagement dinner, so well worth it!); Times caught by fiancé admiring engagement ring: 465 (more or less); Jealous friends: 2; Children lost: 1; Childish overreactions: 2
Saturday December 228:25am My flat Waited 34 years for marriage proposal and now have gotten 2 (from same man) within 36 hours. Lying in bed admiring lovely token of love given to me by my betrothed. V. sparkly in morning light. Wonder how many carats it is?
8:30am Think will just snuggle up with sleeping fiancé. Hmmm
8:31am No. Would be more fun to ambush fiancé as am fancying a randy, morning shag.
8:32am Right. Better brush teeth first.
9:10am Mark not as receptive to idea…at first. Accidentally threw me off other side of bed, banging head against wall. Guess should have woken him a little more subtly before just mounting self upon him. Became awkward, pity shag.
11:40am Was staring at hand again when Mark came out of loo now wearing underpants. Aww. Smirked and shook his head at the sight of me and my girly daydreams before plowing back onto the bed playfully. Propped his head up on one elbow next to me, knee bent, in manner of sexy posed magazine centerfold model, minus staple through navel area. Hmmm
"So you like your ring?" He caressed my hand. "It looks beautiful on you." I smiled and kissed his cheek. "You know, Bridge, to be honest, this wasn't the ring that I wanted to give you."
"It wasn't?" I propped self up on arm as well so that our faces were just inches apart.
"No. Actually…" He sighed heavily. "Several years ago, my mother gave me my grandmother's engagement and wedding ring to give to the woman that I was going to spend the rest of my life with."
"Aww, Mark. That's so romantic."
"In theory, yes."
"So did you lose it?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes.…Unfortunately, I…uh, gave it to my ex-wife when I proposed to her."
"Wot!" Sat bolt upright in bed. "You gave her MY ring?"
"Well, Sweetheart, you know…I had not yet met you then, not really anyway. That was 5 years ago. At the time, I thought she was The One."
"Well that was stupid!" How can an evil cow be "the one"?
"I agree…now. But Bridge, be reasonable, no one goes into marriage thinking it's not going to be forever." Crashed back down onto pillow and covered bare breasts with sheet tightly with folded arms so that Mark couldn't see me. Stared intently at the ceiling.
He had spoken very calmly up until now, "Bridget, come on now. You're being childish." Shot him a dirty look then back at the ceiling. "Well, when you come to your senses, then we can continue this conversation." He got up and stalked back into the loo. Two minutes later, heard the shower running.
Looked again at fantastic bauble on left hand. He was right of course. I am acting like a child. Picked up phone to call Jude, hesitated, then called the number.
"Hello," she answered still half asleep. Bugger. Woke her up.
"Hi. It's me. How are you?"
"Bridget? Why are you calling me so fucking early?"
"Actually, it's 10:30."
"Oh, well, whatever. So…" Uncomfortable silence.
"Just wanted to tell you that Mark and I got engaged for real last night. He gave me a v. lovely engagement ring and a proposal meant for a princess. Isn't that fantastic?" Heart started to flutter remembering details of last night.
"That's great Bridge," she replied rather nonchalantly. "We'll just see how long it lasts before he fucks things up again. Honestly Bridget, I don't understand why you keep putting yourself through this. There are other fish in the sea you know beside Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver." Wot is her problem!
"Jude I was really hoping you could be happy for me. Now I see…well I've got to go. Bye." Hung up before she could reply, if she was even going to at all. Really wanted her opinion of the ring / evil ex-wife situation, but realized that would probably just give her more unfounded ammunition against Mark. I know what she would say anyway: "Mentionitis! Mentionitis! Get out now!" Must learn to not rely on biased opinions of friends and stand on my own. Make my own decisions. God, I need a cigarette! Bollocks! Left gum and cigarettes at Mark's.
Gathered sheet around me, as was still naked, swallowed pride, and meekly knocked on the door to the loo. "Yes?"
"May I come in?"
He opened the door with one hand while continuing to shave with the other. Perched self on closed toilet seat, forming cocoon with sheet. "I'm sorry. You're right. I was acting foolish." He continued shaving without so much as a word or even a glance in my direction. Hmph! The arrogance! "Mark, look at me." He stopped and looked down at me. "Mark, I love the ring that you've given me. It's just that, well, I just wish that I had met you first. Not because of your grandmother's ring, but because I would never have hurt you the way that she did. She didn't deserve you or the ring. If I ever see her, I'm going to…" Mark cut me off with a tender kiss. Hmmm
"I love you Bridget." He kissed me again sweetly. "I had hoped that was why you were so upset."
Dropped sheet and climbed into shower. Mark finished shaving and left the room.
Later found Mark, dressed casually, casual for him anyway, in khakis and t-shirt, up on the terrace with a cup of coffee, reading the paper. "Hi Darling. There's coffee made in the kitchen if you want some." Sat down next to fiancé with coffee to admire new view of the city and lovely glittering ring in sunlight. Was lovely peaceful scene of domesticity. Mark pretended to read but could see him watching me over top of paper.
6:15pm Phone rang…Perhaps Jude or Shazzer calling to apologize for being miserable, unsupportive friends. Was Magda. "Bridget, hope I've called late enough that you aren't still in bed." She snickered at her own comment.
"No, I was just admiring my engagement ring" Held out hand. Unexpectedly, Mark entered the sitting room and encircled my waist from behind, took outstretched hand in his own and brought it to his lips. "How are you Magda?" He began to kiss my neck and shoulders…his teeth grazing my skin…V.v.v. distracting.
"I'm fantastic. So did you enjoy your special evening?"
"Yes, it was brilliant…flawless in fact." Mark traced the curves of my ear with his tongue. Found it v. hard not to drop phone.
"I think it all was very difficult for him to do. That sort of stuff doesn't come easy for him you know. He was so cute. All he wanted to do was impress you."
"Trust me, I was more than impressed," managed to squeak out as Mark continued to work his magic on the back of my neck.
"Bridge, was wondering, if you can manage to tear yourself away from your handsome fiancé for a few hours, if you'd like to do a bit of Christmas shopping. I don't imagine you were able to pop into many shops while in that Bangkok prison."
"Um…yes. That sounds fantastic." Mark now flooding side of face with soft, slow kisses. Feeling flushed…knees weakening…heart pounding. "Will you be round to pick me up or should Mark drop me by your place?"
"I'll come round at 2:15, ok?"
"Perfect" Was now 1:20. As soon as phone was hung up, Mark scooped me into his arms and carried me to the bedroom. Had that randy shag after all, minus throbbing head trauma. Hmmm…
Was still trying to retrieve clothes from all over the floor when Magda arrived. Was disappointed to discover her children buckled into the back seat, lined up like little sardines in a can. Great, will be browsing Oxford St. shops with three whiney, toilet-challenged tots. "Sorry about the kids, Bridget. Jeremy was going to watch them but he had already scheduled a squash game with friends."
Popped into trendy shops like Next and Monsoon with Magda's disastrously annoying kids in tow. Harry grabbing everything within his reach and baby Nicholas wailing at the top of his lungs because he's hungry every 5 minutes. Constance, being clingy as usual, seems to enjoy torturing self, her godmum, asking endless questions about EVERYTHING, as inquisitive, sponge-brained three year olds tend to do. Between answering inane questions about why carrots grow underground in the garden patch and not on trees and why does Spongebob Squarepants live in a pineapple under the sea, managed to find some fantastically sexy things for Mark—black moleskin jeans (Yum!), a blue striped shirt, and a handsome tweed jumper. Love shopping for fiancé as usually only men doing shopping for is Dad and Tom. Mustn't go home without getting sexy boxers too, a little treat for self as well. Maybe purple, so Mark can wear to Mum and Dad's wedding. Hmmm…can't wait til wedding night, even if not self's.
Was nice girl's afternoon out, but also wished Mark was there. Love being in fantasy stage of relationship again. Sent him a text message telling him that I missed him. He responded right away with similar message. Hmmm…love being in love.
"Bridget, are you listening? So, Shaz called me yesterday and said that you, Jude and she had gotten into an argument. What happened?"
"Magda, they are being completely ridiculous about my relationship with Mark! When he and I were having trouble and even after I chucked him, they were totally supportive and encouraged me to try and work it out." Everything just started spilling out. "And now, that we are together again, they can't stand the fact that I'm happy! It's like…they're jealous or something."
"Well, you're probably on to something there. Let's look at the facts: Jude has Richard, vile as he is, who is unreliable, rude, and completely ignores her unless he wants to shag…
"Mummy, what does shag mean?" Constance interrupted.
"Um…" Magda and I exchanged questioning glances. Three is probably too young to teach her about the birds and the bees.
"Constance, it means to play a game," I blurted, trying to help Magda out. She seemed satisfied with that and went back to hiding under the clothes racks.
"Anyway Bridge, Shaz has more or less the same problem. Simon is always around for a, uh…good game, but he also likes to play games with others, and she knows it. Neither one of them has what you would call a healthy relationship.
"Well, that still doesn't give them the right to begrudge my happiness." Shoved a piece of gum in mouth.
"Maybe not, but they still see Mark as a threat. He's not one of them. He's someone that has swept in on his white horse and is now prepared to give you the world on a silver platter. They think they're going to lose you Bridge."
"Oh." Was shocked. "How do you know all of this?"
"Shaz didn't say it in so many words, but she implied it. The same thing happened to me when I married Jeremy."
"And how did that turn out?"
"Well, to be honest, I don't see those friends anymore. Without intention, I did get wrapped up in Jeremy's upper-middle class world of champagne parties and lawyer's suppers. When I started to miss my old life, it was too late. My friends had moved on. That's when I met you, Tom, Jude, and Shaz and I felt whole again. I know that they still see me as somewhat of an outsider because I have kids, but I can deal with it because I wouldn't trade my children for anything in the world."
Felt sad for Magda…and Jude, Shaz, and Tom...and myself. Will I end up like Magda?
"Harry no! Do not make a stinky in your pants! Wait, mummy will take you to the toilet!" Magda pronounced loud enough that everyone in the shop turned to look at us. "Bridge, will you keep an eye on Constance and Nicholas while I take Harry to the toilet?"
Gah! Was stuck with a jabbering toddler and wailing infant. Gave Nicholas a bottle and he seemed to calm down, soon drifting off to sleep. V. cute when asleep. Meanwhile, Constance yammered on and on about whatever popped into her little head, now tethered to self with resemblance of an animal leash.
"Bridget? I'm bored. I want to shag." Two old ladies overheard Constance and gasped in horror, then looked at me as if I was the mother from the Black Lagoon. Was so embarrassed that I left the store without buying anything. Once in the street, she kept saying it, but louder and whinier. Nicholas was awake again and screaming. Kept spitting dummy out of his mouth and screeching louder. Gah! Will be a horrible mother for sure.
"Where is your mother?" Turned down Regent St. and headed for Hamley's. Maybe looking at toys will make her stop, but will not be allowed in unless Nicholas is quiet. Picked him up and began to bounce him vigorously. Soon realized problem, as put hand right in it and then noticed brown toxic-smelling streaks down front of top. Dear God, the child had literally exploded in his nappy and was leaking everywhere! Smell was positively putrid.
Managed to get Nicholas changed and back to sleep in pram. Needed nuclear waste dump to put nappy in, but found rubbish bin instead. Soon realized that Constance's leash was limp on arm…SHE WASN'T AT THE OTHER END! Fuuuuucccckkkk!
Searched all around, calling her name, and pleading with passersby to help me. Mobile ringing. Gah! Was Magda. Be cool Bridget. Mustn't let her know that self had lost her child. "Yes?"
"Sorry I'm taking so long. Harry didn't make it to the toilet, so we had to walk 3 blocks back to the carpark to get another pair of trousers."
"Uh, ok, no problem." Still searching, lugging heavy double pram and Christmas presents behind.
"Why don't you and the children meet us at McDonald's in 10 minutes."
"Right. 10 minutes." Oh God! Magda will definitely notice right away if I showed up with only one of her children. Dashed into Hamley's and ran like mad woman up and down aisles, knocking pram with screeching passenger into unexpecting ladies' bums like a pinball marble bouncing about. Took a corner too sharp, taking out Digimon display, but then heard cherub voice, "Do you wanna shag with me?" in the next aisle over.
Was abruptly asked to leave store and take my children with me. "Constance, you mustn't talk to strangers and you mustn't wander away. Bridget was very worried about you. You want to play a game?" She shook her head excitedly. "Let's play a secret game. The rules are, we don't tell mummy what happened at the toy store. Ok?"
After lunch, picked up a few more things for Mark. Couldn't help myself. Then headed back to flat. Was v. anxious to get out of soiled top.
Mark was just pulling up to flat as we were. He stuck his head in the rear window to say hi to the kids while Magda and I grabbed bags from the boot. "Do you want to shag with me?" Constance asked him. He pulled his head out of the window and looked at us with the same horrified expression that I had seen numerous times already today.
"Constance, I told you…"
"But he is not a stranger, silly. He is your friend." She started to giggle. Oh my. Jeremy is going to kill me when he hears what I've taught his daughter. They drove away and Mark and I started to laugh.
"What's that awful smell?" Mark asked as we took the shopping bags into the bedroom.
"Oh sorry, it's my top." Told him about the horrendous baby explosion as well as the rest of today's rather unfortunate events.
Dashed into the shower and Mark left to pick up Indian takeaway. He and I had planned to finish trimming the Christmas tree this evening after dinner. Will be v. romantic.
11:15pm Enjoyed lovely dinner between kisses on the floor of the sitting room. Couldn't help but think about this morning's conversation though as I admired the way my engagement ring sparkled in the twinkle of the holiday lights. "If you keep staring at that ring, I'm going to think that you love it more than me," he teased.
"Not a chance." Long silence as I gathered courage. "Mark, how did you meet Loni?"
"Pardon?"
"Your ex-wife. How did you meet her? On our first night together you told me her name and that she and Daniel had an affair, but you never told me anything else." Not entirely sure was going to like what I heard., but in order to achieve total oneness with love of self's life, was necessary to know all gory details.
He took an extra long sip of wine as if was stalling. "Come here my love." He motioned for me sit on his lap. (stalling) Obliged his request, by straddling his legs and wrapping arms around his neck. We kissed passionately. (still stalling, but…Hmmm) "What's important is the two of us now, in this moment, and our future. You don't really want to know, do you?"
"Mark, I want to know everything about you. No secrets." Kissed his sexy cleft chin, sliding my tongue over the dimple.
"All right then." He took a deep breath. Why was this so difficult? Had she been a mail order bride? Prostitute? Brawny female wrestler? Circus freak? "Well, you see…she was…is a…uh…television news journalist." He could have just as easily taken a blowtorch and scorched my ears off. But I. Am. A. Bloody. Television. Journalist! Oh God! Am just next in line of succession. Could feel tears burning my eyes.
"Wot!" Tried to get up, but Mark squeezed my thighs against his.
"No Bridget! It's not what you think!
"Let go of me!" He released his grip in surrender. Got up and ran to the bedroom, slamming door behind.
"So you're not even going to listen? You don't even want to know what happened?" He shouted through the door. "You're being unbelievably unreasonable Bridget!"
"Go home Mark. I want to be alone. I need to think."
A few moments of eerie silence passed. Then heard an alarming clatter in the other room, followed by the door slamming. Walked out of the bedroom to find that Mark had toppled over the once beautiful Christmas tree reducing it to a pathetic pile of broken glass and tree branches all over the floor. Crumpled to the floor as well and sobbed uncontrollably.