To Stab the Sky – 4
"Are you ready for another twenty-five minutes of awesome?"
"Just play the goddamn fucking tape and let's get this over with." But Dave had already taken off his glasses and was staring intently at the screen. It wasn't hard to guess what he was thinking once the shades were off—he could only bluff with the lower part of his face. So while his mouth was set in a deceptively straight line, his eyes were bright with anticipation. Bro wanted to laugh but stopped himself. He knew Dave would never agree to even one more episode if he did. So he pressed play.
Dave folded his arms impatiently as the opening played. "I'd rather be the blonde guy, to be honest."
"Nah, man, you're totally eyeshadow manchick."
"Fuck you, no."
"How about the kid."
"I am not the fucking kid."
"You totally are the kid."
"Fucking no I'm not. Just no. Just—holy shit did TV Bro's eyes just change colour."
"What?"
"What the hell. Never mind, they changed back."
"It all depends on the lighting, man."
"I guess I can accept that." Dave frowned slightly. "You know, sometimes I think this is just all supposed to be some sort of sex analogy."
"What the hell?"
"Never mind. Wow okay TV Bro is definitely you. He's throwing rocks at that poor kid, just like you used to throw me in the fucking air and try to chop me in half."
"Hey, man, you picked up the ninja wizard way of cool pretty fast. I'm pretty sure I remember you clinging to me koala-style from the back."
"I wasn't about to let you kill me, you crazy-ass baby killer."
"Hey, I didn't kill any babies." Bro grinned. "You were too smart for that to ever have happened. Oh, hey, don't cry."
"I am not fucking crying."
"TV you is crying because TV me crushed his precious little spide—"
"I am not that asshole for fuck's sake I told you that. Just try and say that one more fucking time. Also those are some pretty weird looking puppets."
"Puppets?"
"They're running down the hill. Aren't they puppets. Oh, wait they—okay, yes, there are boobs. There are more boobs and now TV Bro's gargantuan nipples are just everywhere."
"You know you love it."
"They haunt my fucking dreams, man. I am dreaming about weirdass massive animated nipples just coming down from above all because you're making me watch this shitty show."
"Maybe that's just your brain telling you that you have some repressed fetishes you weren't previously aware of." Bro grinned and glanced at Dave, who was too distracted by an on-screen argument to pay attention to Bro's teasing.
"Does putting on shades just automatically guarantee your victory in verbal duels in this show. Is that why he just put on those ridiculous glasses."
"Of course not. I wear these because fucking cool."
"And now just asses. All the asses. If this show isn't full of tits it's full of asses. Or sungl—did Tits just shoot at them. And now they're talking about TV Bro. Okay. Are long eyelashes actually attractive to chicks. That is weird."
"Well, you'll probably never find out, now, will you?" Bro replied.
Dave gripped the leather fabric of the couch between his fingers. "I guess the fuck not."
"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that." Bro reached over and thunked his hand down on Dave's head, ruffling the boy's hair.
"Get off me."
"Bitch."
"Assface."
Amused, Bro turned back to the program. But he didn't pull his hand back. Instead, he put an arm around his brother and slouched down to his level. Dave didn't seem to mind (or maybe he just didn't notice?) because he didn't say anything.
"Are those dogs running backwards." Dave narrowed his eyes, trying to understand the logistics.
"Just go with it. Man, you question fucking everything."
"I think what we should be paying attention to is the fact that you fucking don't. And why did TV Bro just smack the kid away. He's being an idiot. So really, he is exactly like you."
"Yep, basically. You're still the brat, though."
"I like how there are just fucking rainbows everywhere when they combine. Have they been leprechauns all along and you just haven't told me. Oh, look, the robots are mating."
"Wow, you have a fucked up concept of sex. That is obviously robo-grappling. Or do you need me to explain the birds and the bees to you?"
"Fuck no. Piss off."
"Aw, you're blushing."
"I am fucking not. Also that was a weird end. Real meta, writers. Having those minor characters framed saying goodbye to the screen rather than the other characters. Clever."
"Hey, man, don't knock it. You'd be surprised what can get people's attention."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not the puppet porn expert here. Tell me, how do you get the maximum number of perverts to come to your site through use of witty camera angles. I am ever so curious."
"Careful, bro. There's a whole world out there you really don't want to fucking see," Bro replied, grinning.
"You're right," Dave said. And then he put on his shades.