It felt like everything Carson was doing was a possible last time, so no one had the heart to turn him down.
"She didn't wish us luck this time," Sheppard casually said, holding his P90 with both hands. His remark remained unanswered as they strolled trough the native forest.
Over the past few hours, Rodney had studied each member of his team. Sheppard had his stubborn determination, as he'd had had when he went searching for Sumner and Ford, all masked under a layer of confidence.
Teyla was focused on the task at hand. She seemed happy to have something to do, to be given the possibility of helping somehow. Rodney knew that she had accompanied Carson to the mainland when he said his goodbyes to the Athosians and the experience left her quieter.
Ronon was, if possible, even angrier with the Wraith. It was hard to say how he managed to blame this on the Wraith, but he did, and he was more determined to fight them than he ever was before. Maybe the Wraith were the only thing that Ronon could fight, without regard to all the Earth protocols and the prison protecting the prisoner more than the victim.
Carson was looking around, a bit disappointed. The almost familiar pine trees presented no interest, so Rodney could easily understand the disappointment. Nevertheless, it could be a great excuse for a discussion, so he asked, "Don't like the trees, Carson?"
"They're fine, I just hoped… I hoped it would be a wee bit more like Scotland," Carson said with regret in his voice.
On any other day, Rodney would have retorted with some snarky comment. This day seemed to have an air of finality to it that made that impossible. If they didn't find anything here, they were likely never to find anything about the virus, and the medical team seemed to have hit a dead end with their research.
As for himself, Rodney felt useless. If there was anything he could have done, he would have turned everything around, just to give his friend a chance. But there was nothing he could do.
Carson looked around, searching for familiar bits that would remind him of home. Teyla moved a bit closer to him and said, "You never told me what your home is like."
Carson smiled gratefully, and began telling her of the hills and the sea and the wonderful people of Scotland. The others listened, smiling and adjusting their pace from time to time, accommodating Carson's slower pace.
"So this is just a storage space?" John asked, his voice high with anger and disappointment. "We've wasted an entire day to come here and we find a big room with nothing in it."
It was obvious that John wanted to scream, to hit something, to break something, and he couldn't even find that in the room.
Teyla placed her right hand on his left shoulder, looking straight into his eyes. "We are all angry, Colonel, but you must control yourself. Carson does not need this."
Carson was outside, sitting on one of the steps, staring at the trees. Rodney knew he was never good at comforting people, but it was something Carson knew as well. It was the intention that mattered. And even though he knew all the good intentions in the world wouldn't be able to undo this, he hoped his would make Carson feel better.
"We'll figure this out, Carson."
"Aye, and maybe it will be useful for someone, someday…" Carson's voice was distant -- cold and ironic.
"You can't lose hope, Carson, you can't -"
"Everyone else has." Carson got up and turned to look at him. "Tell me that you haven't lost hope. Tell me that what John did there wasn't an act of desperation."
Rodney knew he was a bad liar, so he didn't say anything. Carson turned away from him, muttering, "I'm sorry, I just…" He sat down again and fiddled with his tac vest. "You know what I just realized?"
"No," Rodney answered, as he sat down by Carson's side.
"This time tomorrow I'll be older than my mum."
There was nothing Rodney could reply to that, so he waited in silence for Carson to say something else.
A few minutes later, Sheppard came from inside the building, "You up for the trip back now?" He waited until Carson shook his head, then said, "We'll set camp inside, then."
Carson shook his head again in disbelief, "Perkins was right, it is bad to be old, especially when those around you aren't. I'll take a walk, a few steps away from the building."
"Do you want… maybe Teyla could come with you," Rodney offered, knowing the Athosian wouldn't refuse.
"Aye, that would be good."
"That shouldn't have happened," Rodney said bitterly, shaking his head. "This was supposed to be good for him."
"Listen, I'm sorry we got to this point, but if he… he wanted to come here because this could be his last mission, right?" Rodney nodded and John continued, "But he's slowing us down. If we had been alone, we would have done this faster. We lost a lot of time because we couldn't come in a jumper, we didn't need to... we could be in Atlantis, working on something else, trying to help him some other way."
"There is no other way. That's why he came and Elizabeth accepted it. There's nothing else he, or anyone else can do right now. We don't know how this works and… we came here looking for an antidote, not some scribbles on a wall. We wanted a drug. And we have nothing."
Sheppard's shoulders slumped as he sat down on the cold floor.
Carson returned half an hour later, seeming a little calmer. They silently ate their MREs, probably all looking for a conversation subject that wouldn't bring up Carson's age.
After a while, the silence hurt more than any words would have. Carson said, "I've never been great at conversation, but you never ran out of topics to discuss."
"I was thinking about chocolate," John said.
"Of all the things… You had to… chocolate!" Rodney replied, slightly upset. Of course John would use his earlier admission against him. He had mentioned he wanted to take a bar of chocolate with them, but forgot it on his desk. Now Sheppard was using everything he ever learned about chocolate against him.
"… and the ones with fruit cream are just… " Sheppard closed his eyes, pretending that he actually liked those.
"Och, Colonel, you shouldn't do this to Rodney," Carson intervened, smiling broadly.
"Why not?" John asked, an innocent look on his face. "After all, I could be mean," Sheppard stopped and looked at him mischievously and then continued, "I could ask him about white chocolate."
"That's not chocolate, that's a… a… mockery." Truth be told, Rodney didn't really care about chocolate now, but it was nice to see everyone smiling again, so he played along.
After a few more minutes of banter, Carson settled in his sleeping bag, apologizing. "I'm a wee bit tired, I'll talk to you in the morning."
He fell asleep almost instantly and the rest of them watched him in silence. His hair was now completely grey, and the lines on his face were even more visible as the fire's light was playing over his face.
Sheppard muttered something, hitting the ground with his fist in frustration. He just waved his hand at Rodney's inquisitive look and fumbled with his sleeping bag. He muttered a morose "good night" and turned his back to them, settling inside the bag.
A few moments later, Teyla did the same and Ronon quietly said, "Go to sleep McKay, I'll keep watch."
Rodney nodded, although he knew he had no chance of falling asleep. He made himself comfortable and closed his eyes, knowing the Satedan wouldn't be fooled.
After five minutes of tossing, he got up and went to Ronon's side, at the room's entrance.
"Can't sleep, McKay?" Dex asked without looking at him.
"Every time I look at him, I remember something that we went through together," Rodney admitted.
"That's not bad."
"Well, no, it isn't. But it would be better if I remembered all those things after he's well." Rodney sighed, looking at the ground in front of him. "How do you do it?" he asked after a short break.
"Do what?" Ronon asked, his voice blank.
"Get over the dying. I mean, I've seen people die, but not like this… " Rodney turned towards the runner, hoping to see that the man understood his question and wouldn't ask further.
"The living shouldn't worry about the dead. Or death. They should fight it."
Rodney raised an eyebrow. "And the difference is…?"
"Worrying is what you and Beckett do. Fighting is what we should be doing. All of us."
The Satedan's words were as close to an admonishment as they had ever been. He was right, but it was easier to do the right thing when you were alone and had little to lose. Rodney sighed, getting up. This had been another midnight talk that did nothing to ease his sleep.