"Do you regret it?" Gale asks me while my back is turned away from him, studying the only thing I brought here from District 12 of her's. A blue ribbon, one that she often wore in her hair the same color as her sapphire eyes. I can't bring myself to do anything with it besides caress it every night, let alone wear it. Not that I'd be able to wear it anyway in this place.
When Haymitch Abernathy first told us that District 13 existed and offered for us to be rebels sent there I didn't believe him. He was the town drunk, he didn't save my sister from her awful fate in those horrible Games. Why should I have believed him? But over time he proved himself, showing us the hidden bunkers not only in the woods behind his house but the hidden room inside of the mayor's home. Madge telling me the true meaning of her golden pin, the one with a mockingjay on it. The videos and notes and plans from District 13 which apparently exists. It didn't fall off the face of the Earth like the Capitol has had the country believe, it survived underground with its own nuclear weapons and building up an army. An army to fight in a rebellion to overthrow the Capitol once and for all, take down it's dictator under the guise of a President.
He wanted us, Gale and I, to be rebels and go to District 13. He claimed I could be a great help to the rebels, the sister of the Angel on Fire to remind them of how cruel the Hunger Games can be, to take away someone so innocent and special. I could remind them and she could be a martyr, the symbol of the rebellion. A reason why we should fight and bring the Capitol down.
Gale, and if I'm going to be honest, I, had no problem with this. In fact, Gale was thrilled. For so many years he had ranted on and on about the cruelties of the Capitol and experienced firsthand the hardships of the deep, dark mines. To have an opportunity to end all of it would be like a dream come true for him. But me, I hesitated. Of course I wanted to bring down the Capitol and get my revenge for Prim, but I wasn't entirely confident in how helpful I could be. I wasn't someone that was good with words at all, and I most definitely didn't want to talk about her. Not to cameras, not to anyone really if I'm being honest.
Besides the fact that leaving for District 13 would have its own slew of problems. There was the fact that what on earth did he expect us to do, just pick up and leave? The peacekeepers and the Capitol employees would notice, the foreman would know Gale was missing and the school would know I was. The only thing they would think and correctly, is that we had taken off to the woods. They'd catch us so fast we wouldn't know what to do. There was also the fact of our families. If we just left, they would question them, torture them even for information of our whereabouts and when we left or where we were going. Not that would actually tell my mother anything and she probably wouldn't be out of her horrible phase to answer anyway, but still. There was still Gale's family that could easily have it the worst.
Haymitch, however, assured us that he had a plan that took care of all of that. The mayor would cover for us until our families could be brought to District 13 as well, which he assured us could be within a week of us departing. He would look after them personally for us until that happened. I didn't quite trust him but since my mother wasn't even bothering to look at me when I tried and wouldn't eat or do anything I figured it couldn't be too bad. It's not like he could do any worse than I am. I feel so terrible that I'm not keeping Prim's promise to get along with my mother but it's not like she's doing a great job of it either. In fact, she's never even bothered to try.
And so here we are in District 13 on the day of the beginning of the Victory Tour. We've been here for four days and it's definitely taken some adjusting to being underground almost constantly, to the dull grey uniforms, to the printed schedule on our wrists each morning. There aren't a ton of people here yet to help but apparently they are all trying to come today. Victors, Marshall (who will distract in our very own District 12 until he himself can escape with his mentor Finnick Odair and Haymitch as well as anyone else they can bring), our families, every important person in the Capitol that can. I haven't been told specifics of the plan but it has to work. I know it has to.
But do I regret coming here, leaving my mother, school, everyone and everything behind? I don't know. But I have to at least seem like I know I made the right choice. I don't miss the district but I do feel guilty for leaving my mother if only because Prim wouldn't have wanted that.
"No." I finally answer him quietly, looking up from the blue ribbon to find him studying me. But he sees through me like he always does, like I'm just a piece of glass. He doesn't even ask before embracing me in his arms and pressing a gentle kiss to my temple before burying his face in my hair, giving me all the comfort and support I need. It's enough for me.
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"Katniss stay with me! Please!" I faintly hear Gale's voice beg me before his lips press to mine. It's the only thing I can faintly feel at the moment as the edges of blackness take over, the searing pain from the pod that I was stupidly too close to here in the Capitol streets knocking me to the ground.
It's rather new, our relationship developing the way it has. Once the plan came into action and almost everyone successfully got to District 13, I think he was just so relieved that his family was safe and we didn't make a horrible mistake that he didn't think, just kissed me. I was in utter shock, it was the only thing I'd felt besides guilt or anger or sadness since the Quarter Quell began, with the reaping. He was clearly embarrassed but didn't take it back. I honestly didn't know what I felt at my best friend kissing me in front of everyone but I didn't exactly hate it.
Well, almost everyone. There were about twenty people besides the Hawthornes that smartly followed Haymitch, Finnick, and Marshall off the stage from District 12 during the complete chaos that ensued after whatever it was they did during Marshall's speech, but my mother was not one of them. Haymitch even looked regretful when he told me of my mother's suicide, but I couldn't make myself feel almost anything but unsurprised. I felt guilty for not keeping my promise to Prim but I was unsurprised. If she really loved me she wouldn't have gone away like that the first time with Dad, let alone go into that state with Prim where I was at least trying. But she was still my mother though she didn't act like it. I failed my promise to Prim, that's what I felt horrible about the most.
But Gale made promises to Prim too, that day that she left for those horrible games. He promised to take care of me no matter what, to tell me that he loved me. He told me with red cheeks that he had no idea how she had known about that but he was going to do his best to keep his promises. At least one of us could, and I let him. Selfishly it wasn't only because of that promise for him to keep as the months went by, but I decided that even if I couldn't keep my own promise to her she would want me to be happy. And I wasn't sure if I could do it, because Gale was my best friend and I never wanted any of that before. But I couldn't deny that once I tried it wasn't too bad.
The rebellion went on, Gale and I side by side with everything just like always and even more than I expected; the training, the propo (to which he wasn't allowed to be on camera as I spoke of Prim but he was behind it watching me watch him the entire time, the only reason I got through it if I'm being honest), the squad we're on, and the one that still embarrasses me at times, at night in bed in our own room. We haven't done anything yet, but it's somehow strange to be sleeping in his arms instead of with Prim in mine. It's weird, but I still like it. He makes me feel safe somehow, wards off a lot of the nightmares I constantly have about Prim, my father, everyone.
And being side by side is no exception here at the almost end of the war, with our squad and going through the streets taking out pods so that we can get to the mansion that holds that devil of a man Snow where he cowers waiting for the inevitable. I wanted to kill him personally but I'm apparently not important enough for that. It would either be Coin or Marshall as the spokesman of the rebellion that gets the honor. Marshall claims with a smile that he would gladly give me the honor if he gets it but I know it's futile. Coin will do it herself.
But then I have to be too close to that pod and Gale has to watch me die. Because I have to be dying, right? I'm fading fast, and Gale would not be acting like this if I wasn't. He would be strong for me at least if I wasn't dying.
And I think, well would dying really be that bad? Prim is gone, Dad is gone, even mother is gone. They all left me here on earth alive to fight a battle for them. It would be so easy to just die, leave everything behind and be with my whole family. But what I do have still, is it worth staying for?
Hazelle and the kids, who brought me in as one of their own a long time ago, Hazelle being more of a mother to me than my own. Even more so back in District 13 when I had no one left of my own, they truly became my family. Madge, my one I guess you could call friend at school who I have become even closer to since she came to District 13 with her mother. The life I could have once this rebellion is over, the satisfaction that Snow is dead, the Hunger Games are over, that everyone can live how they choose. That I can go hunting without the threat hanging over me that I could get caught and die every single day.
And Gale. Can I really leave him of all people?
No. I have to fight the darkness that is beginning to crush me. Fight for my life like I have daily since if I'm honest, was born in the Seam. Fight because I need him and he needs me.
I can't let the darkness take over. I have to stay alive. Truly live.
She would want that too.