A/N: Hey guys! Long time no see. Again. Sorry. Real life got away from me again, but kind of in a good way (fingers crossed for my job interview tomorrow, friends). Hopefully the length of the chapter makes up for the tardiness. (Sorry to those of you who don't like long ones) Lotta flashback fun in this and a little more (but not complete) insight into the second storm as so many have asked for. Thank you all so very much for your feedback and interest in this story. It really does make a difference. Enjoy and please continue to let me know what you think!
Jackson wasn't surprised when April didn't call the first week.
Of course she wasn't going to call the first week. He knew he'd dropped a bombshell on her and that asking her to call at all was definitely a lot to expect. Too much to expect. They'd spoken more that trip, between the gala and the day out, than they had in the previous past few years combined. And that hadn't really been talking. Not like they used to. Not with the children and the doofus around.
Asking April to call was far from simple. It was asking a lot of her.
So, upon returning to Seattle, Jackson didn't allow himself to get his hopes up too high. He resumed work at Grey Sloan, and slipped quite easily back into his old routine. Board meetings, administration briefs, half day of patient's cases. Evenings to himself.
Because she wasn't going to call the first week. Or the second. Or the third. By the fourth week, he started to get concerned.
When she didn't call the fifth week, Jackson started to lose hope.
Perhaps he'd made a mistake. Maybe April wasn't going to call at all.
Jackson took to frequenting Joe's bar again on some of his days or evenings off, even though it was more of a hangout place for the younger faces of Grey Sloan Memorial. A few years ago he might have tried to use his charms to pick up someone to warm his bed for the night, but he'd tapered off in the last few years. Sleeping with random women could only temporarily alleviate his feelings of loneliness back then, when he'd tried his hardest to avoid thinking about April.
And now, Jackson couldn't slip back into the habit because, since Boston, April was all he could think about.
Especially at Joe's bar. He smirked and nodded to Joe as his lifted tonight's first bottle of beer to his lips. So much of their free time as residents had been spent in this very bar. Jackson had discovered he had many memories of April here. He'd learned so much about her here.
He learned she had things she didn't talk about as much as any of the rest of them. He'd learned that she preferred scotch over most other drinks, for good times and bad. He'd learned she was good at darts, but bad at pool.
In Joe's bar, Jackson had learned April could stand up for herself.
"Wow," he gasped, listening to his girlfriend describe the awesome procedure she'd gotten to do that day. Lifting his drink to his lips, Jackson decided to try for some sympathy from Lexie. "All Sloan taught me today was how to brine a chicken."
To his left, Alex snorted, "Altman called me a chicken."
Jackson smirked and Lexie seemed like she was about to laugh and suddenly April appeared all worked up and flustered as she surprised Karev wrestling his beer from his hand.
"What you said to me the other day? Was horrible!" April began angrily. "Mean and-"
Jackson watched the scene closely, in mild amusement, and ready to intervene as needed. He knew that few people (including himself on occasion) really respected April in her new job as Chief Resident. She was good at all the administrative stuff; the scheduling and the OR boards and all that, but out of all of them, April had never really been one who was able to get the rest of her peers to do much of anything. Even at the house. The whole chore wheel idea, which Jackson did see the merits of, crashed and burned pretty spectacularly the one time they'd tried it.
Most of April's ideas and orders as Chief Resident, good or bad, fared about as well.
And he knew that his best friend and Alex Karev had a somewhat rocky history. Karev teased her pretty mercilessly, but generally not causing too much harm. There were moments when Jackson felt the need to step in and defend his friend, and he was always keeping an eye on the situation. He knew April could be sensitive sometimes and that Karev was a douche all of the time.
Yet, Jackson also knew that for whatever reason, despite Alex's crude and rude tendencies, April still had an inexplicably large soft spot for the guy. An almost hook up in the on call room even though it's your first time kind of soft spot. A sell your best friend out for a bet by telling everyone that Sloan actually performed what was supposed to be Jackson's first solo 5th year procedure even though he told you in confidence kind of soft spot. Jackson didn't pretend to understand it, but he had a concern that the bullshit April put up with from Karev would eventually hurt her if left unchecked.
April Kepner was his best friend. They were the last two Mercy West residents in their peer group and they'd survived hell together. They both knew the horror of returning to an empty apartment and knowing that your best friend was never coming home again. He knew that because of that experience he'd always protect her.
There was a limit to how far Jackson would let things go between his two friends before he felt compelled to jump in. He'd punched Alex before. He wasn't afraid to do it again.
Alex interrupted April, shaking his head, "Alright, you doing it again, you're like a frickin' mosquito!"
Lexie snorted, and Jackson looked at his hands, expecting more of an angry tirade. He knew April was sensitive about her voice.
"Yeah, well that's all changing," April continued, with surprising authority. "Lexie, you're leading prerounds tomorrow. Jackson you're touring med students, and Alex, you've got nights in the ER for the next week. Any of you argue with me and I'll have you taken off the OR board. Indefinitely."
Jackson couldn't stop the grin from forming on his lips, as Lexie and Alex looked on with wide eyed surprise. They just got TOLD. By April Kepner no less. The sight, while a little shocking, delighted Jackson. It was amazing. Something to behold. Even kind of hot. A Mercy Wester win.
Chief friggin' resident.
"I, on the other hand, just got fired from Bailey's trial," April commented, casually playing with her stolen mug of beer. "So, I'm going to spend the night drinking and flirting with boys."
She lifted the glass and downed the remainder of Alex's beer, coughing daintily after the last swallow before she turned and disappeared into the evening crowd at Joe's. Jackson, Lexie and Alex sat at the bar in shock.
Finally, Jackson swallowed and tapped his fist gently on the table, as his friends came to there senses. April had always been the most mild mannered of the residents, only prone to outbursts when she was well and truly pushed to the limit. Obviously that happened today.
"What the hell was that?" Karev asked. Lexie only shrugged.
Jackson took another swig of his drink, and stole a glance toward the dart board, where he saw his best friend smiling and chatting amiably with two guys in flannel as they played the game. The taller man invited April to play, and Jackson felt his jaw tighten as he watched the other man stand directly behind her. The guy was pressing his body to her back, under the guise of 'teaching' her to play.
Couldn't April see he was just using it as an excuse to cop a feel?
Not that it was any of Jackson's business really. He had his own romantic troubles to worry about. And, as fragile as his best friend seemed sometimes, she'd just proven to them all that when push came to shove, April could take care of herself.
Even so, Jackson felt this pull to look out for her.
"Dude! What are you doing here?"
Jackson blinked wearily as he looked up from his drink to see his former roommate and his wife Jo leaning against the bar near where he was sitting. They were grinning and mirroring body language in that sickening way that just made Jackson feel hollow. Of all his friends from residency, the fact the Alex Karev of all people had gotten a happy ending (complete with a house, marriage and a daughter) was a little baffling to Jackson. They were friends, but Alex could still rub people the wrong way. A decade ago people at the hospital were surprised Alex and Jo even became friends, let alone romantically involved.
And, save for a few minor bumps along the way, the couple had very few complications as far as Jackson could see.
He lifted his beer bottle, "What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Moping," Alex shrugged. "Surprise, surprise."
Jackson only glared. Jo smiled at him sadly and gestured behind her before turning and walking away, "Alex, I'm just gonna go grab us a booth."
Her husband nodded, "Cool. I'll be there in a sec."
Sighing, Jackson lifted his beer bottle to his mouth and polished off the last swallow before muttering, "What are you guys doing here? Where's Jessica?"
Alex crossed his arms across his chest proudly, "It's date night. Pawned the squirt off on Ross."
"You come to Joe's bar for date night? Not really that romantic, is it?"
"Whatever," the pediatric surgeon smirked. "It's got sentimental value."
Once Karev and Wilson came together, they'd stayed together. In the gossip and chatter that Jackson endured as a normal part of working at Grey Sloan Memorial, the general theory people had about the success of the Karev's as a couple was that they'd had a strong foundation of friendship to begin with.
He snorted at the irony. He and April had been friends for years longer than Alex and Jo. It just felt unfair. Especially when Jackson was still alone.
Not that Jackson wasn't happy for Karev in a sense. He deserved the family he had. The guy had a tough background, and beneath his somewhat crusty exterior Alex was a decent man. And a hell of a surgeon.
April had helped him understand that when the three of them briefly shared an apartment during their 5th year.
It was dark and damp as Jackson and April walked slowly side by side down a path in the deserted park near their new apartment. Middle of the night strolls had become a bit of a regular thing since they'd moved out of Meredith's house. The walks were welcome breaks in the never ending and grueling process of studying for boards. Jackson knew it was a necessary part of becoming a full attending surgeon, but the whole test was still daunting.
For one thing, he'd began studying later than anyone else, underestimating the magnitude of the examination and being too wrapped up in trying to sort things out between himself and Lexie to deal with much else. Now, both April and Sloan were helping Jackson to catch up, for which he would always be grateful.
Failing would be unbecoming of an Avery.
Feeling the need to break the silence April suddenly blurted out, "Uh...so, where are you looking to do your fellowship?"
It wasn't the first time in recent days that April had busted out with some random question or comment out of the blue. Jackson knew that helping him to study, continuing as chief resident, and studying for herself left April a bit on edge. She wasn't exactly the most relaxed person to begin with, and so the stress of dealing with many competing pressures at once was probably taking a toll. She'd been acting a bit weird lately.
Then again, he knew that being his study buddy wasn't an easy task. He complained and whined and sometimes got a little frustrated when he answered a question wrong. Even Sloan noticed that. And at least April's response to his stress wasn't like Mark's. His mentor had been going around the hospital trying to find Jackson a hook up, much to his embarrassment. For 'stress relief' apparently. The plastic's posse now had a pimp. Just what they needed.
At least April didn't know about that.
"Well," Jackson shrugged, shoving his hands deep into his jeans pockets. "Aside from Mass Gen...I'd really go anywhere that'll take me..."
"I've already been researching places I might go," April gushed. "Like...maybe Case Western Reserve in Cleveland, they've got a really great ER system. Some of the fastest turnaround times in the country. And it's only two hours from home. Or maybe I could go to UVA. They have a huge trauma budget."
Jackson tried not to acknowledge the feeling of sadness that filled his chest when he thought about not living and working in the same place as April Kepner. She'd been such an important and constant part of his life for so long. From his days as an intern at Mercy West to life after the merger and everything else. He'd come to rely on her.
"There are a ton of really good plastics fellowships," April continued quietly looking at her hands and nervously biting her lip. "Surely you have somewhere in mind. M-maybe just a region?"
"Not really. I like Sloan, so I might stay." He ducked his head and watched his feet as the walked along. "I mean, it's not like my case history is super stellar anyway. I probably couldn't even get into the top plastics programs."
April stepped directly in front of Jackson, grabbing his shoulders suddenly and bringing their stroll to an abrupt halt. She pushed him gently and said, "Stop saying that. Don't doubt yourself! You're an excellent surgeon. You have plenty of good outcomes. I've seen you. You're the Gunther. "
He snorted at her enthusiasm, "Lotta good that did me. Sloan and Robbins didn't even let me touch my first solo cleft patient."
Even months later, the incident still smarted. Jackson had allowed himself to get pushed out of his own first fifth year surgery. He'd let his superiors freak him out. April was his best friend. That's why she gave him pep talks in her own babbling sort of way. It was her job to have his back. Didn't mean any of it was actually true.
Though the gesture was appreciated.
Jackson smirked and easily side stepped the shorter red head, continuing down the empty park path. He took long strides and looked over his shoulder as April moved to quickly follow him.
"Jackson, wait!" April called breathlessly.
He could tell that she thought he was really down on himself. Which he wasn't. That much anyway. He knew he was no Harper Avery, so obtaining a lesser plastics fellowship wouldn't be that big of a deal, so long as he could pass his board exams. He was trying to just focus on being Jackson Avery. Still, he couldn't resist the urge to tease his friend's sympathy just a little bit.
"Speaking of which," he continued, turning and walking backwards so he could see her reaction. "I haven't forgiven you for selling me out that day. What does 'between you and me' mean? Where was your Mercy West loyalty?"
April guffawed, coming to a stop and resting her hands on her hips, "Jackson."
By now it was clear that she knew he was joking, but Jackson continued with a grin, "I lost a very important bet because of you."
"It was terrible. Betting on outcomes is just...terrible."
"Maybe," Jackson conceded, walking back to April on the path and playfully nudging her shoulder. "But you did you have to do throw me under the bus to cover for Karev?"
As they started walking again, April's face became more serious, "I assisted with his patient that day, Jackson. He did everything right. It was just one of those cases where that doesn't matter. Even when you've done everything you can to help them. I wasn't covering for Alex...he did everything he could. Everything. And you...well you just needed to have more confidence in yourself. Confidence is always your problem. Leading skills labs helped with that anyway. You didn't need to win the bet, Jackson. And that day, Alex needed to not lose."
"Oh..."
She had a way of finding compassion for everyone that he'd always admired.
"Avery? Earth to Avery?"
Jackson looked up sheepishly, knowing that he'd totally zoned out. Alex was still standing next to him, with an uncomfortable yet concerned look on his face. He grabbed a handful of peanuts and gestured to the bar tender.
"This man needs another beer." Watching Jackson out of the corner of his eye, Alex added, "And a BLT."
A new bottle appeared in front over Jackson and he lifted it to his mouth before mumbling, "Just go, Karev. Go enjoy your date night."
"I will," his friend replied, leaning in. "But first I gotta help you out, dude. You're like freaking depressed ever since the Harper Avery Awards. More than usual. People are getting worried."
"What people?" Jackson scoffed. Being chairman of the board had always made him feel set apart from his friends. He wasn't in the plane crash group and he only held his position because he was an Avery.
That isolation only magnified after April left, and as he joined the administration of more and more hospitals. At the same time, he knew he had some role in his distance from his colleagues. Jackson kept his cards close to the belt. He didn't easily share with people, even those he considered to be friends.
"Mer and Yang. Kind of. And Torres."
"Even you?"
"Whatever," Alex shrugged. "I guess. I'm just trying to help you out."
"Oh yeah?" Jackson sighed. He supposed he should really appreciate the concern that Alex and the others had for him, but it did little to pull him from his malaise. "I don't really think you can."
The bartender appeared with the BLT and Karev tapped the plate proudly, "Dude, I already am."
Jackson raised his eyebrows in confusion, "What?"
"Bacon," Alex grinned smugly and pointed to the sandwich. "One of the two keys to perfect happiness."
"And the other?" he replied skeptically.
"Sex. Happiness is bacon and sex. You're having a dry spell, dude. I get it, I've been there. Single life, all that. Easy enough to fix," Karev turned around and began scanning the women in the room, making Jackson swallow uncomfortably. He didn't need Alex Karev finding him a hook up.
Once, Jackson had been one to...well, literally bury his woes and problems in the body of a willing woman. He could admit that to himself. He'd used fun and easy relationships to distract himself from all the things he didn't want to think about. It was a way for him to withdraw and ignore emotions that overwhelmed him. A one night stand or a half-assed relationship had helped him coast along for years, allowing him to function without really facing or acknowledging how lost he really was. Or how much he really felt.
And not just about April. About work, what he wanted in his career, and about being an Avery. Sex felt good and could mask everything.
But Jackson just didn't think he could do that anymore. He'd gotten an earful from more than a few women over the years, for leading them on. Heck, he'd nominally dated Stephanie Edwards (from her perspective) for almost a year before she'd had enough and called him out for being a douche. He knew the method really wasn't fair to many of the people he'd used. Nor was it fair to Jackson himself.
At this point in his life, Jackson was aware he couldn't carry on in the painful holding pattern that had turned out to occupy the entirety of his thirties. His mother was right. He might not be able to fix everything that was wrong with his life, but Jackson now desperately wanted to work to resolve it.
He was tired of being stuck.
Gingerly lifting the BLT off of the plate in front of him, Jackson shook his head, "No thanks man. I'll just stick to the bacon..."
"Come on," Alex pushed. "You could have a happy ending tonight if you put your mind to it."
Jackson shook his head and mumbled without much thought, "That's not exactly the happy ending I'm looking for..."
Both men froze. They'd just crossed over into that awkward territory of honest emotional and personal talk. It was an avenue of discussion that they generally tried to avoid at all costs. Alex winced uncomfortably, and Jackson ducked his head, hoping against hope that his friend had either not heard his words, or that he wouldn't acknowledge them...
But of course, Karev cleared his throat and answered, "I'm not sure I can help you if you're gonna get all sappy, dude."
"I never asked for your help in the first place," Jackson snapped turning away from Alex and taking a big swallow of his beer.
It seemed that that was almost enough to absolve Alex of whatever duty he felt he had in this whole situation, because he stepped back from the bar and started to head over to join his wife.
Then something made him pause and he asked Jackson a question, "It's freaking Kepner isn't it?"
April Kepner was not a subject Jackson spoke about open or freely with anyone. He honestly didn't know how much any of his coworkers knew about what had gone on between them. The fact that they'd hooked up was fairly common knowledge among his coworkers, but the details of the break up and the mess that followed was something Jackson just didn't discuss. He'd only recently come clean with the whole truth to his own mother.
But Jackson supposed there might also be ways for his friends to infer that his feelings for April ran deep. Derek Shepherd might have guessed when Jackson returned from Ohio after April was hurt, clutching copies of all her brain scans, and demanding that he take a second look, just to make sure that the neurology hacks that could only be in Ohio, weren't wrong about their optimistic prognosis for recovery. And Meredith Grey probably knew something was up when she saw that Jackson advocated that they leave April's old trauma position open for months longer than they normally would, just because he was holding out hope that his friend might come back.
"Seeing her again in Boston. It's got you thinking," Alex added when Jackson provided no answer to his question.
And the fact that Jackson had opted to stay in Seattle, in charge of the hospital, while all the rest of them went to April and Matthew's wedding, was probably another big clue about how much he cared to anyone that might be paying attention.
"It's gotta be Kepner. You went from being like BFF's to fuck buddies to not talking and whatever. That's not normal. Something has to be up. I just thought...you let her marry what's his face so, you'd moved on and Kepner, I mean she's always been a little-"
"Don't call her weird," Jackson interjected wearily.
"Okay, so April's always been a little," Alex rolled his eyes and lifted his fingers in lazy air quotes. "'You know what I am going to say, but you don't want me to say it about her'. She seems happy enough with the paramedic dude, and he's cool with the 's as dorky as she is. I thought you and her were just one of those hookups that was great while it lasted and just didn't work out. But now I'm thinking you've kinda been hung up on her for a freaking long time."
Jackson supposed he just never thought that Alex might be one of the people paying attention. He spun his bottle on a circle on the dark bar top, leaving rings of condensation on the dark surface.
"Maybe I am. Maybe I always have been. I...I want her."
Alex shook his head, "Holy crap...you're just figuring this out? She's freaking married, Avery."
"I know," Jackson growled. He didn't need anyone to point it out to him. The fact that April Kepner was married to Matthew Taylor was one of which he was painfully aware.
"That sucks, dude," Alex continued. "You didn't realize back then? I mean you were banging her for a bit, and you were her first so..."
"I didn't know how I felt back then. I mean, I did, but I didn't and I don't know why I couldn't just tell her...it's all messed up," Jackson explained, realizing that maybe his first beer had a greater impact on him than he realized. "And now, my life is empty. It's my own fault. And I asked her to call me. When I saw her in Boston and she hasn't called and I don't think she will."
There. He'd said it. Told the truth to someone else. Jackson had shared his feelings with exactly two people. His mother and Alex Karev.
Alex's lip curled as he took it all in. "Damn."
"I just want to talk to her..." Jackson explained. "I'm not trying to...manipulate her or make her uncomfortable or anything. I just want to talk to her again. I know she's moved on and she's married and all of that."
"Wow...that's...that's a lot." His friend seemed genuinely at a loss for words.
"I miss her," Jackson admitted. "I miss her so much it hurts."
Letting out a puff of air, Alex leaned on the bar and pursed his lips, "I gotta say...I mean, if I was that Matt dude, I wouldn't want my wife calling some old flame."
Jackson looked down dejectedly, "You don't think she's going to call..."
"I didn't say that," his shorter friend held up a finger. "I said her husband probably would be pissed about her calling if he knew. That doesn't mean she won't do it."
"It's been 5 weeks. She's not going to call..."
"This is April Kepner we're talking about, Avery. I don't think she'll leave you high and dry. I was a total ass to her for years, and she still sends me a freaking Christmas card. She's probably just getting her shit together. Figuring out what to say. Trying to find the right time, when hubby isn't around. Or whatever."
Alex winced and scratched his neck, "I mean, I don't know how she feels...about you and all, but you were her one friend for years. All of residency. Crap like that matters to her, so if nothing else, she'll call to honor that."
Jackson frowned. He could see logic of all things in what Alex was saying. He still didn't hold out much hope of hearing from April.
"Alex?" The men looked back to see Jo approach the bar again. "Everything okay? I can pull over another chair or something if Jackson needs to join us."
Karev scowled and walked over to join his wife, wrapping an arm around her shoulder, "He most certainly does not."
Chuckling at how eager Alex was not to have Jackson join in on his date night Jackson shook his head, "No thanks, Jo. I'm okay. Enjoy your night. He's done his due diligence. I'm fine. I've got bacon now."
Confusion filled Jo's face and she didn't look convinced but Alex grabbed her hand, leading her away from the bar and calling over his shoulder, nn final word of advice.
"She'll call, Jackson. She will. It will come when you least expect it."
As they left Jackson alone to eat his sandwich, he couldn't help but remember another call that came out of the blue when he wasn't expecting it, several months after April left Seattle. That call was frantic and terrifying and it should have changed everything for Jackson when it came to April. In a sense the chain of events that the call set into motion did change things between them, but not in a way Jackson was proud of.
Jackson almost didn't pick up when his phone rang just after he got out of a grueling 7 hour surgery. He was tired and cranky and really didn't want to deal with whoever was on the other end of the line. Glancing at the phone, Jackson had been even more determined not to pick it up because he didn't even recognize the number.
In fact, the only reason he did pick up was to avoid having a conversation with his sort of girlfriend, Stephanie. He pulled the vibrating phone from his pocket and shrugged apologetically as the young resident pouted.
"Uh, sorry," Jackson fumbled feeling like a douche. All she wanted was to go out to Joe's after work with him. It really wasn't that much to ask, given how little they actually did together (aside from sex) during the course of their whole relationship.
But Jackson just wasn't in the mood. Lately he never was, ever since April had left for Cleveland. He could tell that someday soon, Stephanie would stop putting up with him.
"I gotta take this."
Stephanie rolled her eyes and brushed past him down the darkened hallway, "Of course you do."
He didn't even bother offering a half promise to meet up with her later. Some nights he might. But this evening Jackson just didn't want to. Even for a quick romp.
The phone was still buzzing so Jackson flicked the screen, holding it up to his ear, "Hello?"
"Oh my God."
The voice was familiar. Tearful and shaky. For a split second Jackson thought it was April. Probably just wishful thinking.
"Hello?"
The caller's voice cracked and she took a deep breath, "Uh, sorry I...is this Dr. Jackson Avery?"
His brow furrowed, "Yeah. This is he. Who am I speaking with?"
"Um, I'm Alice K-Kepner...April's sister," her voice trailed off into a sob.
One of her sisters calling him? Something was very clearly not right. Alice seemed to be doing her best to remain coherent and was on the verge of hyperventilating.
Jackson tried to keep his voice calm in the face of Alice's obvious distress, despite the creeping doubts that appeared on the edges of his mind, "Nice to meet you, Alice. Is everything alright?"
"I don't-I don't know if you heard about the t-tornado in Orrville today? Well, there were 4 in 3 hours. Or 4 in 3 hours...I don't really-Ohio doesn't usually have tornadoes actually...I mean, we didn't before. When I was a kid. They u-used to be r-really rare but these past few years...I read online that it has t-to do with shifting weather patters across the United States..."
The not quite to the point rambling was so achingly familiar that it almost took his breath away.
"Alice?" Jackson prodded gently, more determined than ever to quickly get to the bottom of whatever it was that April's youngest sister was trying to tell him. "What's happened?"
"She was there. In Orrville, with other doctors from her department...to help people there after the first one..."
Oh crap.
Something bad had obviously transpired. Tornadoes were no joke. And the idea of April being anywhere near one? A lump formed in his throat. This couldn't be happening. It shouldn't be. April shouldn't even be there. She should be in Seattle. If not for him, Jackson knew that she probably would have stayed. And though he knew wouldn't like what was going to come next, but he had to press.
"And?"
"April's hurt," the young woman replied with a whimper.
Everything seemed to slow down. Jackson was unaware of the hospital around him or even the wall he leaned up against for support. He only cared to concentrate on the shaky voice in his ear.
"How bad?"
Alice took a deep breath that he could only hope was steadying, before she stammered, "They said-they said she hit her head. Or something hit her head. Maybe twice? They are checking for a skull fracture. Um, and she's got lots of cuts from broken glass. Collar bone might be broken too. The hospital she was in roof collapsed or blew off or something, I-I don't really know. They won't let me see her. They just brought her back to Case Western and...they're saying she's having s-seizures or something. From pressure? Might need a crani- crani-"
"Craniotomy."
Jackson swallowed anxiously. That was serious. Possibly even indicative of TBI. And for April that was just unthinkable. He literally couldn't process it. How could it be that so many people in his life ended up having brushes with death? And so many of those had ended up with actual death.
Reed, Charles, Mark, Lexie. Dr. Webber.
Dead.
Derek, Meredith, Cristina, Robbins, Torres, and even Alex.
Nearly dead.
And now April, who was probably the best friend Jackson had ever had, the one person he'd allowed himself to become closest to in his entire life, was seizing and probably bleeding into her brain somewhere in Ohio. All the while, while he was on bad terms with her. It was just too much.
"My boyfriend is out of town and my parents aren't h-here yet," Alice continued. "They are driving in with Libby and her husband's home with the kids and no one else is here. It's only me and I don't-don't really know the medical stuff. I know you're her friend...and you're a doctor too.That's why I called you. I got your number from April's phone."
It felt like his tongue was caught in his throat. He felt like a fool. Everything, all the stuff that had happened between them, suddenly seemed so irrelevant to Jackson. He just wanted April to be okay. He'd give anything for her to be okay.
"Oh God," Alice sobbed, seemingly having lost all ability to maintain her composure. "I'm scared..."
Jackson could remember April telling him animated stories about her family and life growing up on her parents farm in Moline, Ohio over the years. Her sisters were a topic of particular interest, since he always seemed to have trouble understanding all the sibling stuff. Jackson had enjoyed being an only child for the most part. Growing up, it was just him and his mother, along with some occasional interactions with his grandfather and other extended family, and even that had felt like it was mostly just the relatives dismissing him for being pretty.
But hearing April's numerous stories about life with her family in Moline, Jackson did have to wonder.
From her stories, Jackson also knew that of the three sisters, April and Alice had a particularly close bond with each other. She'd told him how happy she remembered feeling when the youngest Kepner was born. The 6 year old had delighted in finally no longer being the middle child, and took Alice under her wing. Given that closeness, Jackson could understand the panic response the young woman was having.
Hell, here he was, desperately leaning against a wall in the hospital. He was having a bit of a panic himself. He didn't want to fear the worst, but damned if he wasn't scared too.
April wouldn't want either of them to be frightened.
"Alice," Jackson tried to comfort. "If she just got there, they probably are not letting you see her until she is more stable. That's all. Especially if they need to prep her for a procedure. Vitals can fluctuate a lot during a transfer."
"Yeah?"
"Mhmm...it sounds like they are taking really good care of April. She..." His voice wavered, and he gulped hard, trying to maintain his calm facade. "She always said Case Western had some of the best ER times in the country. I'm sure you'll hear something soon."
"I hope so."
"I know so. Head injuries are unpredictable. They are just making sure everything is stable before they update you. I've done the same thing with patient's families a bunch of times."
Jackson frowned when she didn't respond, so he pressed, "But you know what? I'm gonna stay on the phone with you. We don't even have to talk. I'll just stay on until they talk to you, or until your parents get there, okay?"
"Okay."
In that moment, everything became clear to Jackson. For the first time in a long time actually, he felt like he actually knew what he had to do and where he had to be. Who needed him and what he might be able to do to help. The sudden feeling of knowing, of certainty, cut through all the rest of the panicked, sickening, regretful emotions that paralyzed him here in the hallway.
He knew what he had to do. He knew where he belonged.
"Alice," Jackson said urgently. "I need you to listen to me."
"Okay..."
He began walking toward the attendings lounge at a break neck pace to change his clothes and gather his belongings, "I am going to book the first flight I can find to Cleveland, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can."
"I...You don't have to, I'm sorry...I didn't mean to make you feel like you have to-"
"Your sister is-" Jackson swallowed. "Your sister matters more to me than you understand. I'm flying out there."
April called him at 10:31 pm on the Wednesday of the sixth week.
Jackson was at home, alone watching the sports recap on the ten o'clock news when he heard the sound of his phone rattling on the hard wooden surface of his kitchen table. Again, he almost didn't answer it. He was relatively comfortable and it was late, and he'd just been contemplating going to bed.
But something drew him to stand up and at least check who the call was from. And once Jackson saw that the number was from Ohio, all bets were off. It was April. He stood up a little straighter, reaching out and picking up the phone.
Finally, the call he'd been waiting for. The call he'd thought would never come.
Jackson took a deep breath. He'd been desperate for this. But now he was a little afraid. More than a little afraid actually.
He pressed the answer button, and greeted, "Hello? April?"
She didn't speak right away. But Jackson could tell it was her. He could hear her breathing. He knew what her breathing sounded like. He remembered.
Already the call felt tense.
"It's really late for you, isn't it?" Jackson continued, trying his best to make some sort of small talk. "You guys are Eastern time, right? So, it's like 1:30 in the morning for you..."
Jackson winced as he heard April expel a puff of air. The kind of sigh a person gave in irritation, not amusement. Almost a snort. Then again, he had just stated the obvious.
"Night shift at work?" he surmised after a long period of silence. He returned to the couch and slumped back into it's comfy depths, muting his tv. Jackson was starting to wonder whether this conversation was going to be completely one-sided.
April still didn't answer.
"April?" he tried again. "Are you there?"
Finally, she did answer, in clipped tones and with such a cold voice that Jackson almost shivered.
"You said we should talk, Jackson. So let's talk. Cut all this pretense and really really talk."
Apparently small talk was out for the evening.
April had no idea what the hell she was doing. She honestly hadn't even intended on calling Jackson tonight. Or maybe ever.
After all these years, he suddenly had the nerve to ask her to all him. Like he actually wanted to air out all those pesky and devastating issues that had caused much of the damaging rift that now stood between them.
Why now? April didn't see much, if any, good that could come from them discussing things. The ship, as they say, had sailed. And it irked her too, that seemingly yet again, Jackson was dictating things all on his terms. Just like he had when he'd broken up with her after the pregnancy scare. And when he'd rejected her during the Seattle storm. And like when he'd disappeared on her when she was in the hospital.
Spinning slowly from side to side in her desk chair, April surveyed the photographs on her desk as she listened to Jackson fumble at her directness.
Her eyes settled on one of her and Lindsey from the previous Christmas day. It was the little girl's favorite holiday, and she'd been more than a little hyper. Sometimes it could be annoying and even worrying, but April adored how open and uninhibited her daughter really was. And how free she could make April feel. In the picture, both she and Lindsey were mugging for the camera, tongues out, eyes closed and and with Lindsey's arm in the air. They'd both been particularly happy with their Christmas gifts, but for the purpose of photographic silence they both had pretended to be displeased.
April couldn't say that she'd never daydreamed about what a child of her and Jackson might be like. She'd be lying if she denied it. The images plagued her mind, particularly during both her pregnancies. Followed closely of course by intense guilt. You are not supposed to dream about children you will never have at the exact time you are preparing to give birth to the ones you will have. April knew that. And she did love her children.
Generally, she tried to push past the thoughts when they came, knowing that it was pretty disloyal to her own children to wonder whether her child with Jackson would have his eyes or nose. What personality she might have. Whether he would struggle with his identity as an Avery as much as Jackson had. There were just so many possibilities to consider. And since seeing Jackson in Boston, the thoughts seemed to always be there. Speaking with him made them surface even more.
April knew that if she had been pregnant 10 years ago, everything would be different.
But things were not different. April had a life, a job, and a family in Ohio with Matthew now. And there was just nothing that could come from them 'talking' like Jackson wanted. So for the past six weeks, April just wasn't sure what to do. Initially after they'd returned from Boston, she'd left the little business card he gave her pants pocket. She hadn't wanted to face any of it.
But of course April had to be the one woman on the planet who's husband actually took the initiative to do laundry.
April squinted, trying to decipher the looping strokes of her son's handwriting as she checked over his homework. Jake had a spelling test coming up, and so far it seemed that the boy would probably have to spend some extra time reviewing his work. She smiled faintly. He always did better with numbers than words. A lot like her, actually.
Matthew strolled into the kitchen, swallowing awkwardly and carrying a laundry hamper on his hip, "I'm just doing a load of darks..."
April nodded as he walked over to the washer and began to unload their combined clothes. He typically tended to leave this particular chore for April, favoring cooking, automotive, and lawn maintenance as his go to chores. But lately Matthew was eager to do laundry as well. Which made April feel a little guilty.
Because Matthew was always maddeningly trying to be a good husband. And she knew in her heart of hearts that she didn't put in half as much effort to be as good a spouse to him as he did her.
It was a good time of night to get things done. Both kids were playing in the living room, relishing their hour of television for the evening before they had to go to bed. She returned to looking over Jake's homework.
"What's this?" Matthew asked suddenly, lifting a small gray card from an out turned pocket.
"Hmm?" April answered distractedly, as she crossed out another extra vowel from Jake's spelling practice.
"Avery gave you his card."
Her head snapped up and she blinked, trying to act like it was no bid deal. She shrugged, "Yeah. I...I'd forgotten about it until now."
Liar liar pants on fire.
"Oh," Matthew frowned. "Did you want to call him?"
April didn't know yet so she replied,"Jackson says he...misses me. He wants to try being friends again."
Probably best to leave out the whole 'not saying I love you back was the biggest mistake of my life' part.
"I'll bet," her husband snorted disdainfully, rolling his eyes. "He's just trying to draw you back in."
She felt her metaphorical hackles rise. April could hardly figure out why Jackson had really asked her to call and at one point she'd known him better than anyone else. What the hell did Matthew know about why Jackson behaved the way he did?
"Or he just wants to reconnect. We were very close friends before...everything happened."
Matt folded up the card and walked over to the sink, pulling open the cabinet beneath, and leaning forward to deposit it in the trash, "I doubt it. He sees what he missed out on and now he feels like an idiot. We have a great life, and he doesn't, and he's pissed he didn't try to accept you ten years ago. But he is an arrogant trust fund baby whose been handed everything in his life on the silver spoon of nepotism, so he thinks he can get whatever he wants whenever he wants-"
That pissed her off even more. Matthew didn't know the first thing about Jackson or his abilities. Yes, being an Avery had played a huge role in Jackson's life, but it had also caused him a lot of heartache. And she knew first hand that he was a damned good plastic surgeon, and a better leader than he gave himself credit for. Matthew knew nothing.
Nothing.
"Hey!" April interrupted tersely. "What do you think you're doing?"
Matthew paused and pursed his lips, "Do you wanna call him?"
"I don't know!"
"I don't think you should."
April's eyes widened and her nostrils flared. She didn't know whether or not she would place a phone call to Jackson Avery, but she damned well knew that the decision was hers and hers alone to make and not Matthew's.
"You can't tell me what to do, Matthew," she snapped coldly.
"Fine," Matthew sighed, backing down quicker than she'd expected and placing the card next to her. "But, I think you should throw this out."
Swiftly grabbing hold of the small paper, April rolled her eyes sarcastically, "Your opinion is noted."
These days, it was hard for April to tell exactly who she was mad at. Matthew, Jackson, or herself? Probably all three.
She just knew that she was angry.
Of course, April couldn't bring herself to throw Jackson's number away. And a five weeks later, here she was hiding out in her office in the middle of an exceptionally slow night shift, on the phone with him.
On the other end of the line, she heard Jackson swallow, "So, you really wanna just...jump right into this."
April smacked her lips in frustration and rolled her eyes, "Unless you wanna wait another ten years?"
"No! I just thought-"
"What? What did you think, Jackson?" she demanded. "I'm not sure what you have in mind with all this, but you asked me to call. So I'm calling. And if you don't have anything of substance to say, I have plenty of other things I could be doing right now, so I might as well just hang up."
"No!" Jackson repeated almost desperately. "Don't hang up. I just thought we...we could maybe try to talk through what happened with us after we broke up? I mean, to move forward. Past all the mistakes. I'm tired of being stuck like this."
Oh, this was going to be rich.
April's lip curled into a snarl, "We weren't even ever really together though, were we? It was all fun and games and sex, until someone had a pregnancy scare."
She didn't really think that their brief sexual relationship amounted to something quite that simple, or quite that sordid. Or maybe she just didn't want to admit that a series of events that had impacted her so profoundly might really something that insignificant. That her first experiences with sex could really have just been fueled by lust and hormones and not something more meaningful. At least on Jackson's end. It was hard for her to find the words to describe what they'd shared.
But she'd had a lot of time to think and process what had happened and April knew that whatever it was they'd been doing together back during that first year of their fellowships, it wasn't dating. Hugs and hookups did not a relationship make.
Skulking around from on call room to on call room and fucking each other's brains out was hardly something April would ever call a relationship, especially given that now she'd been in an actual marriage for over eight years. Much as it angered April to talk with Matt from time to time, at least they talked. Communication was the major failing between herself and Jackson and she'd learned it was essential to any real long lasting relationship.
Furthermore, when people were really dating, they went on actual dates. And they could change that pesky little relationship status on facebook so their friends knew that they were dating. And they didn't keep secrets from their families. An actual relationship, and actual dating was about so much more than just sex.
"That's not what happened. I can't believe you think that. We were dating," Jackson answered, the certainty in his voice both surprising and angering April so much that she sat up straight in her chair.
"Oh?" April snapped. "How was I supposed to know that? We never said anything."
"I told you I had feelings..."
A groan caught in her throat. Ah, yes. She remembered the conversation well. She'd played it over and over again in her mind as she lay sobbing into her pillow the night Jackson had initially broken things off with her. And she'd gone back there again, when Jackson had rebuffed her during the storm. And again when she found out that he'd flown back to Seattle after her surgery.
Jackson had said he had feelings. A lot of them. For her and about her. It was the only and last concrete insight she'd ever gotten into how he really felt in all of this. Well, until he told her in Boston that he had regrets. So he'd had feelings. Feelings.
April hadn't found certainty in those words ten years ago and she didn't find it now. "What does that even mean, Jackson?"
"It means," Jackson snarled. "I cared for you. I care for you!"
His use of the present tense surprised April, but she wasn't really sure what to make of it. She could hear that he was getting angry now too. Whatever. If this call turned out to be a throw down, no holds barred fight, then so be it. April had all this anger inside anyway. At least she'd get some of it out.
"Oh, okay then, you cared so much about me that you waited all of a minute and a half to go sleep with an intern."
"You set me up with her!"
"As a date to a wedding, not for...for-"
"April, it wasn't like I was cheating on your or anything, it was after we broke up."
'We.'
Again, a man in April's life foisting a 'we' on her that she didn't want.
"We? You're the one who who ended things!" April retorted. "What happened to all your 'caring feelings' when you decided that me not being pregnant was probably a sign that we should stop? I wanted to keep dating. I was willing to go on the pill for you!"
She realized with a frown how juvenile and petty that last bit sounded. But at the time, it had felt like a huge decision. Going on the pill and continuing to sleep with Jackson would have marked a hugely definitive turning point in how April defined her personal values as well as her faith. And she'd been willing and eager to go there, once all the stress and panic about the baby was gone. But, instead that night had ended with her sitting alone on a bench. Dumped. And she'd revirginized again, and abstained from sex up until her wedding night.
All that had evolved in terms of her personal beliefs was a ragging case of cynicism. Which really added to her whole host of awesome and easily accepted personality traits. She was a neurotic, a perfectionist, and a debbie downer. Certainly explained how many friends she had in Ohio. Hard to believe that she could be less popular in Cleveland than she had been in Seattle.
But it was true. Outside of church, family, and old high school people, April didn't really think she had any friends. She made nice with a lot of the wives of Matthew's buddies, but she didn't really let any of them get too close to her. Even her own sisters had to be kept at arms length too in a lot of ways. April was afraid if people looked to closely at the facade of her life they might see all the cracks. And so, no one, not her mother, Libby, Kimmie, or even Alice knew the truth about her past with Jackson. Or how she'd ended up marrying Matthew.
The wedge it created between them hurt April, but what else was new? A lot of things in life hurt. She supposed it was her lot in life to be a loner. She'd lost the best friend she'd ever had, and mostly through her own actions. She probably didn't deserve another.
"Well, it wasn't exactly like I had much choice," Jackson grumbled. "You were so relieved not to have to be married to me..."
April's shoulders sagged. She knew she was at fault for a lot of the things that went on. She'd struggled a lot, and taken Jackson's presence and support in her life for granted. Words had been her downfall. As ever. Her mouth ran a lot faster than her brain, and she'd said things that she now knew had hurt him. But at the time, April had just been so caught up in the whirlwind of it all. She'd never really stopped to consider things on Jackson's end, since she'd assumed that for him, sex and relationships were old hat.
April had been selfish, but she never meant to hurt him.
A person's first sexual relationship felt...so big, and it was easy to over think and to say things you didn't mean. She'd seen that with Matthew, actually. In the first months of their relationship he'd been all awkward and insecure, and he'd said plenty of dumb things. Turned out to be a very eye opening experience.
April swallowed and answered in a slightly less frustrated tone, "I'm sorry it came out like that, Jackson. I didn't think before I spoke. I really was just happy not to be pregnant."
"That's not the only stuff you said," Jackson replied petulantly. "Or the only time you said it. It was like...the straw that broke the camel's back. I mean, I know now that I over reacted a bit, but for crying out loud, April! You made me feel like crap after every time we made love."
She almost chuckled at his choice of words. It seemed so un-Jackson-like. As an idealistic teenager (and an idealistic adult) who'd spent probably way too much time reading sappy (and usually Christian) romance novels, April was once a big fan of the phrase. It sounded so beautiful. Like an act of art. Poetry and the truest expression of love or something like that. She'd really pretty much held on to her preference for the phrase right up until the whole debacle with Jackson.
And ever since then she'd been more cynical.
April had sex with Matthew. They didn't make love. They satisfied each others needs, fulfilled the obligations of a marriage, and generally had a decent time. In the beginning her husband had needed a little guidance, but based on what she heard from others, April was pretty sure she could say that her marriage had a pretty ordinary sex life. Nothing mind blowing. Nothing like in her books. She could use a myriad of euphemisms to talk about it with her sisters; carnivals, chimney sweeps, and oil changes. Even hay rolling.
But she'd never thought to describe any of her experiences of sex with her husband as lovemaking. April wasn't certain she could categorize any of her experiences with sex as making love.
Much as she wished she could.
The adrenaline and the afterglow was starting to ware off and the panic was starting to set in, and April felt the smile fade away. Her breathing evened out as she came down from the high, and her mind started racing. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to be this weak and susceptible to desire. Not after years of praying and waiting.
The only other time she'd even come close to this with Alex in an on call room, she'd largely attributed to her own mini version of shock related to the Gary Clark shooting. Staring down the barrel of a gun had put a lot of things in perspective for April. She knew she was kind of behind in the timeline of her life, at least in the romance department, and it had taken literally almost dying as a virgin to make her reconsider her teenage abstinence pledge. The experience had almost been enough to make her throw out the idea altogether, almost enough for her to just say to hell with it and sleep with Karev just to get it over with, so in the likely even that she never met her true love before she met death then at least her epitaph would not say: 'Here lies April Kepner. Virgin.'
Almost enough, but not quite.
Because Karev was as messed up as she was, but in a different way and he'd treated her like crap, and that was enough to remind her of why she'd made the abstinence promise in the first place. She'd remembered that no matter what, no matter how insecure or left out or annoying April felt, she still deserved better. Saving sex for marriage was what God wanted for her because God wanted her to find love. Being loved before dying was ultimately way more important that simply having a physical experience. Jesus must have had more confidence in April than she did for herself, because after the near incident with Alex, she'd recommitted herself to her plan of abstinence and held faith in the fact that her love would come.
God had a plan. At least, she'd thought He did.
Until she'd lost her virginity in a hotel room to Jackson Avery the night before her boards. April still couldn't believe she'd actually let her desires lead her to this moment. This was supposed to happen on her wedding night, not the evening before one of the biggest exams of her life, and most importantly it was supposed to happen with her husband.
It was supposed to be with her true love. And as much as April might have crushed on Jackson from afar, she doubted that guys like him turned out to be the true loves of girls like her.
Even worse. The act itself had felt great. Way better than April imagined it would be. Better than the stories her sisters had shared of their first encounters with husbands and boyfriends.
She actually liked it. Sex felt really really good.
Oh God. What had she done?
Jackson was still talking to her, leaning above her on one elbow, "So, you're okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," April replied, unable to look him in the eyes. "I'm just...tired.
He laughed and mumbled affirmatively and she could just feel the awkwardness filling the room and the panic flowing up from her heart. April swallowed and blinked, and wondered what Jackson really thought about the whole thing. How much he must be judging her because, oh God, he really was as perfect naked as an imagination could conjure and she was entirely certain that his imagination had never pictured her naked in the first place and now he'd never ever want to because he knew where her freckles ended, exactly which parts of her jiggled, which parts were shaved and which parts weren't, and how one boob was slightly smaller than the other and probably nothing like any of the model types he'd gotten with in the past and...
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
"You should get some sleep."
April tried to keep her words calm and normal, even though she really had no idea what 'normal' in a post coital context sounded like and honestly the one person she'd normally ask about tricky guy-girl stuff was Jackson but she couldn't ask him now because he was the guy she'd just had sex with and then he'd know that she was feeling anything but normal and it would surely make him feel bad and she really didn't want to make him feel bad, especially after he'd just made her feel so good.
Jackson chuckled and flopped on to his back, "Yeah, I should get some sleep."
She bit her lip and stared at the ceiling trying not to think of what her pastor back home would think of all of this. Or about how much more awkward this is going to be when she and Jackson wake up in the morning and had to get dressed and ready for the boards. What if it meant they'd be doing each other again in the morning? What did it mean if she kind of wanted to? The temptation was even more alluring once she'd already transgressed.
"Here, or?"
April felt a twinge of guilt when she realized that her first gut instinct is to seize on this and shout, "No!" Her thoughts were leaving her breathless and she just needed to be alone to quash them or at least silence them since, oh God boards are literally today because tonight's already turned into tomorrow and this can't really be conducive to doing well because she hasn't even thought of possible patient scenarios since before dinner and he wouldn't have offered to leave if he didn't really want to, right?
She had no idea how to handle this.
"Yeah," April replied shrilly as her eyes darted around the generic hotel room that would now be a memorably setting on the landscape of her life experiences. "Yeah. Or...or you could go..."
Hearing it out loud made her feel like a total she was being terribly rude, so April half heartedly added, "Don't you have to get your pencil?"
"It's the middle of the night," Jackson joked, laughing awkwardly, and she could just barely see him smiling at her out of the corner of her eye and even though it's not really funny she founds herself laughing too.
"Right."
"Yeah," he breathed, before adding nonchalantly. "But you know what? I could go if you want."
April carefully tilted her head to glance at him. Jackson was definitely watching her, measuring her, and she looked away again afraid he'll see to much.
"Yeah, you know what? I'll go," he sat up and looked down at her again. "And get some sleep."
"Okay."
She can't help but look at him now. Her eyes felt drawn to his like a magnet. But she didn't find the disgust or regret she expected to see in his gaze. Jackson looked happy.
Still looking pleased, he asked her one last time, "Are you sure you're okay?"
And April couldn't tell the truth. He seemed happy. Satisfied. At least for the night. She wasn't about to take that away. Especially, since she'd basically thrown herself at him. So she did her best to hold his gaze and make him believe her next words, "I'm great."
It seemed to have done the trick because Jackson practically beamed at her, and a grin appeared on his lips, "Then I'll see you tomorrow"
Then he leaned forward and kissed April so sweetly it took her breath away. Almost lovingly. Like she could close her eyes and pretend that this meant something, that this was more than what it was and that her best friend might actually cherish and love her the way a true love might.
But the moment was over all too soon, as Jackson sat up and walked away from the bed. He stared walking backwards in the room, retracing the steps that had led them to the bed and began gathering his clothes. He quickly threw on what he needed to and in a flash seemed to be gone.
She lifted her arm to her chest uncertainly, suddenly and acutely aware of his absence in the bed, as her racing thoughts consumed her mind and prevented her from finding rest.
"I know," April answered in a voice barely above a whisper. "I know I made you feel bad and all I can say is I'm sorry. It was...I couldn't reconcile how I was feeling about making my promise to God to how I was feeling about...how good it felt-"
"All that religion was a lot to deal with," Jackson commented. "And then you like tried to erase everything all together? I know it mattered to you a lot, but Jesus, April? Revirginizing? Ridiculous. I've never even heard of that. It sounds made up."
April lifted her elbow to her desk and used her hand to hold up her head wearily. And here it was again, the other part of their issues when it came to the past. Communication and her faith. They'd never talked like this at the time they'd been sleeping together, and so the faith thing, along with everything else was ignored.
And Jackson had inadvertently revealed his thoughts on the subject to April a long time ago. She repeated his words, "Me and my nutjob beliefs..."
"I really was joking when I said that," he explained sadly. "I didn't mean it that way."
"It still hurt that you thought it." She never had the sense that he took her relationship with God seriously.
Jackson sighed, "I guess I just didn't understand."
"It feels like you didn't try to."
"Maybe not, but you never told me anything. I had no idea you were even like that until after we hooked up."
April rubbed her temple. That was true. She didn't disclose her faith to anyone because she feared their reactions. She'd had some bad responses in medical school and college that she really wasn't eager to repeat with her new peers. And certainly not with men she was attracted to. Back then, even at a state school in Ohio, guys had turned her down for dates, knowing that not only was she annoying, but also because they knew that at the end of putting up with all that annoying they certainly weren't going to get any. One guy had told her as much.
"Are you still there?"
She sighed, "Yeah."
"I really did want to marry you," Jackson said sadly. "Baby or not. When I said I was all in, I think I really meant it. Your reaction just threw me."
She swallowed roughly as she felt tears form in her eyes. April had never considered he felt that way. Nothing in what he'd said or done before and after the pregnancy scare really demonstrated that in her mind. She'd assumed it was all about obligation to his potential child. A potential future Avery.
Why on earth had Jackson never told her the truth until now?
"How all in could you have been if..." she swallowed again, feeling some of her anger return with a vengeance. "If that's all it took for you to walk away?"
"I just thought you didn't want that, you know?" Jackson continued. "I didn't think you wanted that with me. And so then when you said you did want me...I just thought that you were freaking out again like you always did. Since I almost died. I didn't think you meant it. You could have fought for me, you know? Stuck around a little longer after you broke up with Matthew? I would have seen, I would have understood-"
April rolled her eyes, "I didn't know there was anything there to fight for, since you shot me down twice when I spoke directly. You never spoke directly. Or, actually you did, and it wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear so...It was painful to stay. What was I supposed to do? Put my life on hold? Until when? Until now? Because this is the first time we've ever really dragged a lot of this out. I honestly thought there was no hope. I'm sorry Jackson, but I wasn't about to waste my entire life pining over a lost cause."
Her resentment was back at full force and April even was surprised by the venom of her own voice, "You told me there was no hope. I told you I loved you, and you told me it was too hard. And then you were just gone. I woke up and you were gone."
She heard Jackson swallow hard, "I didn't think you remembered all of that..."
"I do."
"I love you."
Once she said it, April realized even through the splitting pain that she'd been wanting to say that. Burning to say that to him for a long time, even though her perception of time at the moment was wrong and she knew it.
She remembered the roof blowing away and the sudden shock of looking up and seeing the gray stormy sky above the hallway. She remembered the cool sticky feeling of Reed's blood as it seeped into her scrubs. She remembered the world altering jolt she'd felt when the lighting fixture hit the side of her forehead. She remembered how proud her father looked on the day she'd received her acceptance letter to medical school. She remembered falling to her knees and holding her hands up to her head as the howling wind sucked up her howl of pain, adding it into the roar so no one could hear anything. She remembered that the wind blew away everything; both her blood and her tears.
She remembered the first time she and Jackson shared a pizza. She remembered thinking that this was it, in the howling wind and searing pain; this was how April Kepner was going to die. She remembered the explosion of pain she felt when something else hard and metal impacted the back of her head and how quickly everything went black after that. She remembered giggling and kissing Jackson as he lifted her into the air. She remembered being awake on the ambulance. She remembered wishing that Jackson knew how much she loved him. She remembered the pain in her head and the ache in her muscles as her limbs jerked around wildly and totally out of her control. She remembered spit rolling down her chin. She remembered how much she regretted not telling him. She remembered being frozen.
That could have been a second ago. It could have been a lifetime ago.
She didn't want to die without telling the truth.
"April, you've hit your head," Jackson replied, repeating what he says to her every time she can recall fading in or out. But she didn't need the reminded. Her head injury has nothing and everything to do with what she wanted Jackson to know.
"I know..." April croaked, wincing as the vibrations of her own voice seemed to send knives into her aching head. "But I still love you. I didn't tell you sooner 'cuz I didn't know..."
"You don't know what you're saying," he said nervously.
"Uh huh." April experimented with softer vocalizations in the hope that the throbbing in her head caused by sound didn't escalate to the paralyzing and scary seizures she remembered from before.
Jackson continued, more to himself than her, "And it doesn't matter anyway."
Her foggy mind couldn't quite compute. How could love not matter? As best April could think right now, the only reason that explained Jackson being here with her right now was because he loved her.
"We didn't work, April," Jackson said quietly as he stroked the back of her hand. "We don't work. We'll never work. It's too hard and it hurt us and you'll remember that tomorrow. Or the next day. We're too different. You don't know what you're saying."
The throbbing in her head didn't die down, and it was making it hard for April to find any of her words at all, much less the right ones for a reply. The terrifying and uncontrollable movements were back in her arms and if she wasn't careful, she knew she'd be drooling and her limbs would jerk everywhere. Right in front of Jackson. It seemed to be getting worse and April breathed through her mouth trying to push back the curtain of unconsciousness that she could feel falling in front of her eyes.
It didn't work.
"April, look I am really sorry about that," Jackson began desperately. "I can explain-"
"I told you in Boston that I didn't want to think about it," April snapped. "I hate thinking about it. I'll always hate thinking about it! So shut up!"
Long silence. April could only hear the sounds of Jackson's ragged breaths, which revealed to her just how much her words affected him.
Finally he whispered, "I didn't think you'd be this angry..."
"Well, you're not the only one who can be mad. Or who has feelings."
Her shoulders sagged and she leaned back in her chair. "Look, I don't like being a person that's hard to love. I've always been that person, but I don't like it. I never wanted to be anyone's obligation. And you never, even now...you've never said you love me. Or loved me."
Jackson protested, "I said I was-"
"You said you were sorry that you never said it back. That's not the same as saying 'I love you'," April corrected. "And now it really doesn't make a difference. Then it could have. But if loving me hurt you so badly, and if was so hard then...I don't know. I don't know if it's supposed to be like that. Matthew is a lot of things, but he never had to struggle to love me. He tells me how much he loves me. And I know it's probably really selfish and insecure and proves the exact point about me being hard to love in the first place but...but I think I needed that. I think I need that."
"Wow," Jackson breathed.
April set her jaw ruefully, "Me being selfish is no big surprise I guess."
"No."
"Great," she snorted sarcastically.
"No wait! I meant I wasn't thinking that," Jackson explained. "About you being selfish. That's not it at all, I swear. I just-You're so different now."
"Oh yeah, I know that," April answered angrily. "I lie to my own family now. I'm a fake. My whole freaking life is a fake. You made me a fake."
She knew it was wrong to blame him for everything. No one had twisted her arm to marry Matthew. She got her children through him and at least she wasn't alone. Someone loved her, even if she didn't love him back the same way. But it was easier to be mad at Jackson than herself or her husband for that matter. Most of the time, April knew to blame herself, but right now she just wanted to lash out. Old habits die hard.
Unlike during their residency, Jackson didn't take the bait. Instead he surprised her with a question that irked her because it was clearly as futile as it was sincere.
"Are you happy, April? I know, I'm not."
April blinked, taking deep breaths as she listened to Jackson. This question somehow was too much on top of all they'd aired out so far. It was over the top. She couldn't, no she wouldn't, handle that. April was done.
"What do you think?" she hissed before reaching down and pressing the red button on her phone screen.
She'd had enough of this call.