Axis Powers Hetalia (C) Hidekaz Himaruya. The plot is mine though, and subsequent ideas will eventually stem from readers, so don't copy it or 'adapt' it without permission.
All characters are not representative of the countries whose names they coincidentally share.
Chapter 4: China Hates Roughing It Out
"Aaaand we're back from commercial break again!" America beamed into the camera. "Hello everyone! Sorry for the extra-long time-out! I had to go out of the studio to look for a new outfit for China. And may I take this opportunity, Russia, to urge you to not destroy it too or China will have to go naked for the next segment."
"Da~ I wouldn't mind that. But China looks so cute in this dress that I wouldn't bear to destroy it. Kolkolkolkol~"
America began to wonder if he had made the right choice of making China wear a waitress uniform that he had borrowed from one of the nearby bars when right now, Russia looked like he would like nothing better than to swallow China up in one gulp. China, on the other hand, was fussing with his oh-so-short skirt and apron that barely covered half the length of his slender thighs, pulling this way and that as though the fabric would multiply miraculously if he kept tugging it.
"Aiya why is it so short aru?" China complained when it became evident that dresses do not just grow longer because one pulled them.
"It's a bar uniform for a girl. It's meant to be short and sexy. Be glad it's not Hooter's," America said. "Anyway, it suits you, so don't complain so," America grinned mischievously.
"Oh so you agree that my China is sexy, do you? Are you hitting on him? Kolkolkolkol~" Russia took out his waterpipe and began tapping it against his thigh menacingly.
"Of course not!" America gulped. "Anyway, on to the next question from RussiaFangirl! Have you two ever felt anything for each other back then?"
"But of course! Like I said earlier, it was love at first sight for me when I met China da~"
"Russia claims he loved me, but he really gave me a lot of grief back then when he kept stealing my land aru."
"Each time I got land from China, it made me happy, because it meant that China was slowly but surely becoming one with me da~"
"I absolutely hated it when he kept stalking me in his panda outfit. I always got a shock when he'd suddenly pull the head off to kiss me aru!"
"But I forced myself to wear that hot panda suit because I know China loves pandas da~"
"And until now, he still annoys me with his 'become one with me nonsense' aru."
"That's because I love China so much that I want you to become one with me da."
"Aiya! I'm being perfectly serious aru! Will you stop throwing the word 'love' around so casually aru!" China flared up. "To want something isn't to love aru!"
"B... but... I'm serious! That's how I express my love for China da? Do you not like it?" Russia asked in a wobbly voice as tears filled his eyes.
"Um no! It's not that I don't like it," China hastily clarified. "It's just that it makes me uncomfortable that you keep using the word..."
"Waaah! China doesn't love me! I should have let myself get beaten to death by Mongolia hundreds of years ago! I want to die now! Waaah!" Russia wailed piteously and began pummeling his head against the cushions.
"Actually, hitting your head against the coffee table might be more effective," America suggested.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry aru!" China held on desperately to Russia's arm. "Please don't act like this aru!"
"Waaah! Why should you care how I act when you don't love me? Just go away and leave me to die!" Russia keeled over on the couch and sobbed into a cushion.
"Aiya! I do care about you! Stop acting like a lunatic and listen to me aru!" China put his arms around Russia and tried to comfort him.
"Water pipe... where's my water pipe... I'm going to knock myself out so I don't ever have to awake to this horrible reality again..." Russia began feeling around his coat for his precious weapon.
"Hang on, Russia, I have a shotgun that you can use," America felt around his own jacket.
"Aiya!" China gripped Russia's shoulder and shook him hard. Staring earnestly into the watery violet eyes, he said, "Russia, I. Love. You. I. Love. You. Russia. There I've said it, happy now?" China released his hands and sank back into his seat, his face beetroot red. He had said something he hardly ever liked to say, and on national television too.
Russia, to his disappointment, was unimpressed. "You only said that to stop me from killing myself da~? I know you too well, because I love you, but you don't love me da?" Russia began attacking the cushions with his head again.
"Aiya you stupid jerk aru!" China shrieked. "If I don't love you, I wouldn't have let you fuck me whenever your hormones start raging which is like every fucking quarter of an hour you heartless scoundrel!"
China's outburst was followed by one of the longest, loudest and most pronounced silences American television had ever experienced since mimes fell out of trend.
"Well I think it's time to go for a commercial break!"
"Welcome back to Hero of the World!" America said solemnly. "Apologies for the crude content you guys had to put up with before the commericlal break. Honestly, the F word was the last thing I'd expect from our usually modest guest, so it didn't occur to us to have the censor machine on hand. We hope those who are watching TV with their little ones will find it in your heart to forgive us! Now on to the next question..."
"I don't want to do this show anymore aru!" China cried, his eyes red and puffy from an obvious bout of crying earlier on during the commercial break.
"There, there, it's ok, my little sunflower, sooner or later everyone will forget about it da~" Russia patted China's back consolingly. He tried, and failed to suppress a spontaneous giggle from the sweet memory of China's bizarre confession.
"You think it's funny, don't you!" China snapped.
"Well it is kind of funny, but I'm glad you said it. I'd not have been assured of your feelings otherwise, given your frequent mood swings da~" Russia stretched out a hand and pinched China's cheek playfully, evoking a snarl from the furious nation.
"Russia, don't provoke him further," America implored. "Don't you think we should change the subject so that people will forget about China's uh... little episode more quickly?"
"All right," China sniffed. "Bring on the next question aru."
"Right," America said, "The next question is from chococookiesld to Russia. How often does China cross-dress during sex and what kind of outfits does he wear?"
"What kind of perverted question is that aru?" China shouted. "How can you allow such questions on your show! How is this even relevant to diplomatic relationships which I thought was the topic of this talkshow aru?"
"Why ever not?" America blinked. "It's just a healthy discussion on sex education. I know we're getting off-topic, but I believe in freedom of speech. Besides, it seems that the audience prefers this stuff to politics."
"Da~ I prefer the topic at hand too~" Russia smiled sunnily. "To answer your question, we don't usually care about the clothes since I prefer him naked, but for the occasional roleplaying, China has dressed up as a nurse, a cheerleader, a school girl and a catgirl. The catgirl outfit is my personal favourite. It consists of a tiny latex black dress that barely covers his sexy butt, furry cat ears and even a cat tail~ My greatest wish is for him to wear a French maid costume but he would never agree to it, saying it's subservient behaviour which he hates. This waitress costume is a good alternative though," Russia said wistfully, as China covered his face with his hands and kept whimpering 'No' at regular intermissions.
"Oh...kaaay," America said as he willed himself to stop trying to picture China in said outfits. "Thanks for your detailed answer. Moving on..."
"I really want to make love to China while he's wearing an apron da~" Russia remarked with a straight face.
"Er can't help you there pal, you'll just have to wait until the end of this programme," America said.
"'Wait' doesn't exist in the Russian dictionary da~! Kolkolkolkol~!" Russia said as he pulled a startled China on to his lap.
"Noooooooo aru!"
"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!"
"Welcome back to Hero of the World! That was a long commercial break again! Sorry! Jeez I'm really sick of apologizing for the same thing over and over again! Can't you spare a thought for other people, Russia?" America complained.
"But I did! I was a good boy. I didn't destroy China's clothes this time," Russia pouted.
"I'm on this with America aru! I wish you would at least ask for my consent before you... before you..." China turned beetroot red and hung his head in mid-sentence.
"Before I make love to you da? But why do I need consent when you're my property?" Russia said cheerfully.
"Why you-!"
"Moving on, people!" America interrupted. "Here is a question from Zenigami! It's for Russia again!"
China groaned while Russia set up straight.
"Oh but it's non-perverted for a change!" America said, "How do you think China will react to all the mushy romance-y RoChu fanfictions that she tends to skip for darker themed ones?"
"No need to ask him. I hate all RoChu fanfictions and doujinshis in any form aru. I think people who write and read fanfictions and doujinshis about me and Russia doing lovey-dovey things need to get their heads checked," China said fiercely.
"Ouch, that's harsh. That's almost all your fans then," America winced.
"Oh don't listen to China," Russia laughed. "He actually loves reading RoChu fluff very much. He hides in his study, stares at his computer and giggles and sighs over them when he thinks I'm not looking. He's really a sucker for mushy romance."
"You peeped at me while I was in my study aru?" China gasped. "Didn't I tell you that my study is out of bounds? You're sneaky aru!"
"It's even sneakier to lie," America remarked drily.
"Personally, I prefer the R18 ones. They give me so many wonderful ideas about the perverted things I can do to my little sunflower! My recent favourite is Sticky by haragurotan~" Russia said.
[Shameless self-plug lol]
"Nobody's asking you!" China snapped.
"It's funny that you like the romance stories though. I thought only girls like that stuff," America chuckled.
"It's for the same reason why girls like to read romance. Those fluff-writers are always portraying this perverted bear as some kind of adorable puppy dog or Prince Charming. Now if Russia was just half as adorable and gentle as what they imagine him to be, I'd be satisfied aru," China crossed his arms moodily.
"Aw~ You should have told me earlier. If China wants me to roleplay as a prince, I'm game for it~"
China gasped in surprise as Russia got down on one knee, took China's hand and kissed the back of it.
Gazing soulfully at China, he said, "My sweet little sunflower, will you become one with me?"
Lost in Russia's violet eyes, his heartbeat pulsating more quickly than usual, China mummured, "... yes aru."
China was jolted out of his trance when he was suddenly lifted off the couch in a bridal carry style.
"Wh... what are you doing aru?"
"I'm taking you to the backroom where we can become one da~ Kolkolkolkol~!"
"Noooooo aru!"
"We'll be back after a commercial break!"
"We're back after the commercial break! Blah blah blah you get the drill," America said impatiently. "Here's a question from Omi-chan-Neko! China, when Russia has too much vodka and is, to put it bluntly, drunk, what happens? Or more specifically, what happens to YOU, China?"
"I refuse to have any more part in this sick talkshow aru," China declared.
"In that case, Omi-chan-Neko says it's all right to pass the question to Russia," America replied.
"Hm... I would love to answer it, but the thing is, the word 'drunk' doesn't exist in my dictionary da~ There's no such thing as too much vodka," Russia said.
"Rubbish!" China exclaimed violently. "You get drunk whenever you're in a bad mood, and you do horrible things to me when you are drunk. You just have no recollection when you wake up aru."
"Really? What horrible things would I do to you? I really have no idea," Russia cocked his head in genuine curiosity.
"You would... you would be really rough... and your movements would be more intense than usual... to the extent that I would bleed, and you wouldn't stop even when I beg you to. And you would always demand more when I'm on the verge of passing out... I mean, I'm just thinking of this from a scientific point of view. I thought alcohol decreases sexual arousal so I'm just wondering... erm..." China felt his whole body grow hot. What the hell was he doing, discussing their sex life on national TV?
A pained expression appeared on Russia's face. "You're not joking da?"
"Aiya I don't joke about this sort of thing aru," China gritted his teeth.
"I'm so sorry, China!" Russia cried as he threw his arms around China. "I didn't know I was so awful to you. I won't get drunk ever again. I promise!"
"That would be good aru," China mumbled as he patted the beige blonde head.
"Ne~ my poor little sunflower, how about I make it up to you now?" Russia whispered breathily into his ear.
"Er... meaning?" China asked, dreading to hear the answer.
"I'll be extremely gentle to you, but you must be a good boy and not struggle da? Kolkolkolkol~!" A loud zipping sound issued from behind, as China felt his dress fall off his shoulders.
"Nooooooo aru!"
"Cut to commercial! Cut to commercial!
To be continued...
Freetalk: Ok this is getting crackier by the minute TAT. I usually write stuff that's more sensible, but oh well, this is meant for fun and laughter XD. I wanted to keep this to a healthy PG rating. I really do. But everyone kept asking perverted questions so I have no choice but to up the rating and pander to everyone's interest *bricked*. A plug for my new LJ fanfic journal haragurotan-livejournal-com (change the dashes to dots) where I will be posting new chapters first and possibly other stuff that's too perverted to be paraded in public.
Thanks for all the kind words. I'm glad you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing this. Regarding Hong Kong's thick eyebrows, I vaguely remembered that it was mentioned somewhere in the original series or some character profiling that England cursed him to have thick eyebrows because he annoyed him with his fireworks? I really can't remember and I might be mistaken so do let me know if I'm wrong about this.
As always, feel free to send in your questions! Russia and China will definitely get to them! Silly questions, intelligent questions, perverted and non-perverted questions... all are welcome! But do note that I have little interest in politics and modern history, so if you ask an intelligent question, you may not necessarily get an intelligent answer in return XD This is just a cautionary note. I'll try my best to answer them sensibly though.