This is supposed to take place in 201 – When Oliver comes back to Starling.

SC - 2013

What have I accomplished during this past year? I am looking at the city I was unable to save. The rubble of the fallen buildings all around, the chaos I was unable to prevent. I sacrificed everything to a mission that I failed. Can they not understand that. I had one purpose and I could not achieve it. What does it make me?

They do not understand because they have a place in this world, a use, a purpose, they bring something to the world around them, not as members of Team Arrow but as themselves. I know, because they have brought me so much that I did not ask for, that I did not know to ask for. They are people, they have failings, but beyond that, they are good people, and good people are dearly needed. If only to stand and be counted. To remind us all of what we are capable of.

Diggle has a strength, he knows right, he is principled, he is reliable. He naturally provides support and advice to those around him. Even when he wavers, he can bring himself back.

Felicity, she is light in the face of overwhelming darkness. She has a strength that does not come from physical force or a sense of superiority, it comes from faith in the good of others. She is able to see the good in others, she saw it in me even when I was just a killer.

I was never more than a weapon. Before the Island I was not a killer, but I was a waste. I did not bring anything to others. Being the hood, taking on my father's mission was the only way I knew how to make my life worthwhile. What am I now if I cannot be that? I cannot go back to being Oliver Queen what has he ever brought to the world? What can he truly be?

I was never a religious person. I was never able to see the balance of good and evil in the world around me. I cannot see the forces at play. I wish I could. I wish I could know why I am still here. Still standing.

For a long time on the Island, I thought it was all karma. That all the hurt was just divine justice for how I acted of the first 20 or so years of my life. For my carelessness towards the feelings of others, for what I had done to all the women in my life. But Sara, Shado… they did not deserve what had happened to them. So they could be no justice. So what is there?

When I became the Hood. I felt like it was fate. Sort of. For years, I had been beaten into a weapon. This was the accomplishment of the only destiny I saw for myself. I would fight Evil. And the only way I knew how to was in being evil.

I have seen evil. I cannot ignore its existence. I have seen it use our most primal fears to make us into weapons of destruction. I have felt my baser instincts take hold of me. I saw Slade be turned into a monster. I was betrayed. I betrayed.

I am not sure I truly ever saw proof of the existence of Good. I did see regret and shame in my father's eyes when he asked me to right his wrongs. I saw what one can do for family, but these actions although they came from a place of love, often came at a heavy price. Look at my mother, her selfish need to protect her family, her pride and her shame, lead to the death of hundreds.

I had tried fighting out of anger, out of shame. I tried fighting for somebody else's sake, but I failed. I do not know any other way to fight. I cannot be a killer. I do not think I can ever be a killer again. Not after Tommy. So what am I now?

I came back to Starling City, because Dig and Felicity told me Thea needed me, that QC needed me.

Deep down I know I came back for a far more selfish reason. I came back because I could not hide any longer. I could not be this person that indulges in self-pity, this person that allows himself to flee and hide. That was the Oliver of before the Island. I cannot be him anymore.

I want to be more than this self-indulgent hurt animal, licking his wound. Pretending that because he is hurt, he is entitled to hide.

Can I really be more? I do not know where to find the strength. I look at Dig and Felicity and I know they can. They have this well of good within. They will fight because they know it is the right thing to do and that is enough. They sacrifice, not because of a false sense of pride, but because they believe in the righteousness of their goal.

I want to find that strength. So maybe I will try to be Oliver Queen. To give him a purpose. I want to learn to build and not tear down. I want to learn to give. I want to learnt to see the good in others, and rays of light in the darkness. If there is not fate, then there are only the decisions we make. So, I will take it now: the decision to do things differently, to find the strength.