Author's Notes: Thanks to the anonymous reviewers Kanatachan and Brookings789... plus all those other cool people that are reading this bag of dildos - I mean story.

Crack 4: Because there weren't enough fart jokes

In an alternate dimension of both time and space…

Time and space

Time and space

Did anyone else get annoyed by this song that plays if you stay on the Historia Crux too long? I'd go to make supper and then … Time and space… Where the asdf;lkj is the mute button?

But carrying on…

Our time traveling heroes were crossing the great plains of the Archylte Steppe, bickering as they went.

"I'm just saying that we could use one!"

"No Noel, we do not need another chocobo. We already have five!"

"But SERah, I want to catch them all!" Noel whined. "I even have a name picked out for him!"

"Ok, first of all: this isn't Pokémon. I'm looking at you diellemabelle," Serah scolded in her stern teacher voice.

The story jerks to a halt while the author deals with some deep seated issues about never becoming a Pokémon master….

"And secondly, we can't catch a Chaos Chocobo!" Serah continued, exasperated. "And even if we could, we'd need a butt-load of gysha greens to keep it from spazing out."

"Heh, heh, you said butt," Noel snickered.

"Besides, I still have my student loans to pay off," Serah continued in a louder voice, ignoring Noel's immature commentary. "We just can't afford it, and that's final."

With that, Serah crossed her arms and walked away. Mog flew after her, turning around only to stick his tongue out at the young man.

Noel was starting to get tired of this pink haired princess-type always calling the shots. All he wanted was a freaking Chaos Chocobo – which was, without a doubt, the most badass ride a guy could get next to a velocycle. He could just imagine that cool music following him wherever he went. It was hard not to get a little excited for a soundtrack that didn't make him sound like a total wuss. (Thanks SquareEnix, do you have any idea how hard it is to get ladies with that sappy theme?)

It was time to man up, he decided. Noel jogged to catch up with Serah.

"Listen, we are going to catch a Chaos Chocobo. That's what's going to happen next," he stated in his most authoritative tone.

As she opened her mouth and raised her finger to retort, Noel shushed her with one of his large hands covering her mouth and nose.

"No 'ifs' 'ands' or 'buts'," he warned, before giggling. "Heh… now I said butts."

Under his hand, Serah squirmed and jerked out of his grasp violently. She took a few paces back with her hand against her mouth. Her breathing became shallow and sweat beaded on her forehead.

"I told you never to touch me!" she moaned in a breathless voice.

"Huh?" Noel scratched his head in confusion. Is she coming on to me? He took stock of her flushed cheeks and the way she hid her eyes behind her bangs. Now that he was aware of it, he found it hard to ignore how cute Serah looked when she was flustered and shy.

After a few panting breaths, Serah nodded, as if telling herself she'd be okay. But when Noel invaded her personal space, cradling her face lightly with his calloused and battle-worn hands, she knew she couldn't handle it anymore. She'd lost control. She was going to…

Serah vomited all over Noel.

"Ugh, gross!" Noel complained, wiping the puke off his shirt and pants. "What the hell, Serah?"

Her shaky legs no longer able to hold her up, Serah fell to her knees and then onto her side in the soft grass. It took all her effort just to wipe her own chin, but she managed to make even that movement look cute. Wait, cute? That's kind of weird, Noel.

Mog flew over to Serah with a concerned "Kupo?"

"I'm alright, Mog. Just keep that smelly paradox away from me," Serah replied feebly, eyeing Noel with unease.

"Who're you calling a smelly paradox?"

Again, her blue eyes were aimed directly at his (now slightly offended) face.

"Who. Do. You. Think?" she asked, drawing out the question angrily. "Oh, I know! Maybe the guy that runs around all day in the hot sun, sweating and getting monster guts all over himself, refuses to bathe, doesn't brush his teeth or his hair – that is getting way too long, by the way – and farts constantly?"

"I don't… wait, constantly? Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration?" Noel said, now consciously holding in his gas.

"The exaggeration here is how much time I've spent with you without throwing up!"

"And now you've ruined your perfect record."

"Shut up."

The argument helped Serah overcome her queasiness, and she managed to get back to her feet.

It was hard to believe it had been months since she'd heard Lightning's voice in a dream, begging her to fight against the evil stench that was Caius Ballad and to resolve all the odor paradoxes he'd left behind. No matter how she looked at her traveling companion, she could see that Noel was a steaming pile of paradox from the future that hopefully would never come to pass (gas). The trouble was, when they'd met, he'd told her that he was the key to saving the timeline – something about knowing the recipe for the ultimate perfume which would be capable of eliminating the most foul of odors. Now, she wasn't so sure.

They walked in silence for a while. When the hot sun slid behind the clouds, Serah assumed it was the work of the hunter village and their weather machine. She prayed that they'd make it rain, if only to wash off the vomit from Noel's clothes, which was now giving off a sour smell that was worse than his own musk.

"So about that chocobo…" Noel said, breaking the beautiful, wonderful silence.

"What? You want one, fine. FINE," she shouted, just wanting to be done with the subject. "But you have to take care of it."

"Sweet!" the brunette cheered, holding his hand out to Mog for a high-five. The creature looked at him with disdain and shook its little head.

They walked on, but now Noel's chin was raised a little higher and his shoulders weren't quite so slouched. With his longer legs, he'd pulled ahead of Serah. From her vantage point she couldn't help but notice how broad his shoulders were, and how his lean torso narrowed and curved to that perfectly round and taut…

Flrrrrrrrptpfffffftttfpttpfp

"Oh god!" Serah cried, holding her nose. "Noel, you're the worst!"

They headed back to Bresha Ruins 300 AF, partly because that was the last place they remembered seeing the rambunctious chocobos and partly because Serah figured the cold would dull her sense of smell.

"So why does it have to be a Chaos Chocobo, anyway?" Serah asked as she rubbed her arms in a futile attempt to stave off the frigid winter wind.

"Duh, because they're badass!"

A sharp eyebrow demanded a better answer.

"Yeah, uh, their colors are totally sweet, like if you put a red chocobo, a blue chocobo and a green chocobo in a blender you'd get a Chaos Chocobo!"

"No, that would get you chocobo puree."

"Mhmm, that actually sounds kind of good right now," Noel said thoughtfully, glancing over to his left at one of the entrances to the tunnel system. "Are you hungry?"

"Not for a feathery disaster!" Serah warned, concerned that Noel would actually try to recreate such a horrific milkshake. Not that they had a blender or anything…

While her train of thought continued in that direction, her body was pulled suddenly to the left, into the warmer air of the tunnels.

"What the - !" Serah's shout was cut off by Noel's hand over her mouth once again. She felt the bile rise up her throat angrily as her captor motioned to the creature that lurked just outside.

A wild chocobo appears!

"Once again, this is not Pokémon!"

Oh, right. Sorry guys.

"Who are you talking to?" asked Noel, looking behind Serah and then up at Mog. The moogle shrugged.

"Don't worry about it. You wouldn't understand if I told you."

Outside, the rambunctious chocobo was digging in the snow with its talons, flapping its multicolored wings every so often in a threatening gesture.

"So how do you propose we catch that thing?"

Noel paused, chin on clenched fist, thinking hard.

Ten minutes pass…

…

Twenty minutes…

…

"Got anything yet?" Serah asked sarcastically after what could be described as a really long time. (I mean, I could tell you how long it was, but I kind of wanted to leave it to the reader's imagination.)

"Go fish, kupo!" responded Mog, who was floating across from Serah holding a fist full of cards.

The pink haired woman picked a card from the floor of the tunnel.

"Yes! I got it!" she cheered triumphantly, displaying her cards in front of her with relish. "Read 'em and weep: straight flush!"

"What game are you guys playing, anyway?" Noel wondered aloud.

"Uh, I don't know, kupo. Serah keeps making up rules as we go along!"

"It's called 'I win'!" responded the apparent victor. Then she gave Noel a double take. "Wait, how long have you been on that thing?!" she demanded, incredulously.

"Oh, this old thing?" Noel chuckled atop the Chaos Chocobo. "Only since like forever ago. Say hello to our new companion!"

"Kweh!" chirped the Chaos Chocobo happily.

Serah got up and brushed off her backside. "So what are you going to name him?"

"I was thinking of calling him Francis or Harry Potter."

Serah just shook her head. "No, that's just… No."

Mog darted under the chocobo, emerging on the other side with a grin. "That chocobo is a girl, kupo!"

"Pervert," muttered Serah. The moogle stuck out his tongue at her.

"Francine, then," Noel amended. "Oh, or maybe Francesca! Doesn't that sound exotic?"

"Whatever," said Serah as she walked out into the snow. This adventure was getting too stupid for her to handle.

"Wait, Serah, where are you going?" Noel shouted after her.

"I'm going to check out that tombstone in the graveyard," she replied over her shoulder. "If I'm lucky, my name is already on there. If not…" she pulled out Lightning's survival knife. "I'll put it there myself."

Noel, Mog and Francesca watched as Serah's form disappeared into the frozen landscape.

"What a drama queen, kupo."

Pprseweeeeeeeeeh

"Kweh!" chirped Francesca angrily.

"Sorry, I thought it was going to be silent!"

wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah

END_