Here it is. The long awaited newest chapter of
Dairy of a thieve. Yey! Sorry I didn't get to typing sooner. My family had been planning our vacation. I started typing in Kentucky, got a little bit more of this done In Florida, and now I'm home finishing. I had an argument with my parents about taking the laptop. (They have no clue that I do this fan fiction. So I have to type in secret. Which meant I barley typed at all.)
Then when I got home, I got a horrible case of procrastination. Mainly because, I own a pool. (kickass.)
Thank you to all who reviewed. And a big special thank you to SnowAngle02 who reminded me that I had a story. (that was one of those:oh yeah, I forgot moments.)Again, I'd like to know your favorite part of the story.
I also have a youtube page. Check out themetalman3 on youtube. Please watch my drumming video's.
And, without further ado, here it is.
Prologue.
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Doggie Thomas once wrote "Do not go quietly into the night, Rage against the dying of the light."
Me and Murray once wrote a poem to. It goes "DUNE BUGGYS WHOO HOO!"
I realized around my 14th birthday, I wasn't going to be satisfied wasting my time with ping pong tables and hula-hoops. But, if you set the hula-hoop on fire, turn the ping pong table into a ramp and give me a shopping cart, well, now your speaking my language.
Cause Thieves and Normal people have many differences. The main difference is one person steals and one obeys the law (wimps.)
Here's a smaller difference. Normal people would look at a suspension bridge spanning a 15 foot gorge and think "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Thieves would look at the same exact bridge and think, "Oh man do I have to jump that!"
With a parachute. I'm not a moron.
When people receive paychecks with "Big stinky bonuses" attached, they usually waste it on something that they were never going to use. Sly and Bentley were the only smart ones that used their money wisely. Sly used his to pay some bills, and gave Carmelita a sapphire necklace. The plane thing was a bit up in the air. (Pun intended.)
Bentley used his on that internet company that he was talking about.
Murray, however, was wasteful. He bought a product that he was only going to use once.
Parachutes.
The Leslie Claypool Bridge which spanned over the Roger Waters Gap was always in full view of the "Happy Camper's" orphanage. It was always the gang's dream to one day, parachute off it. And now that they were adults, with parachutes and health insurance, nothing was on their minds more than to jump that gap now.
Here was the problem however. The gang would always think that each member would be single. They had no clue that Sly would be engaged to a Fox that just wouldn't let them be.
Bentley was the first out of the van. Not that he wanted to jump first; it was just the fact that if he got everyone to jump first, he could pretend to say that he did jump and not have to. (the turtle was deathly afraid of heights.)
The turtle rushed out of the van, with his metallic leg supports clinking all the way. Sly thought that Bentley at the moment reminded him of Forrest Grub Worm. Bentley then stood on the road, and waved his arms franticly. "Go, Go, Go!" he shouted.
Sly, Murray and Carmelita, just casually strolled on to the bridge.
There were two other BASE jumpers that were already on the bridge before the gang showed up. One was over the bridges rail bar, while the other stood behind. The cat on the other side of the rail bar, was taking forever just to jump.
"He said go." Cooper proclaimed to the cat.
And with that, the cat let loose of the railing and free felled a hundred feet before pulling the chute.
The whole gang cheered the cat on. It was a formal greeting from one adrenaline junkie to another.
Carmelita tried to sneak here way out of the small crowd that gathered around the bridge. Sly noticed out of the corner of his eye, Carmelita nervously trying to sneak away.
"Just where do you think you're going?" Sly teased.
Carmelita nervously laughed. The truth was, Carm was also afraid of heights. But she was more frightened of the fact that Sly was going to Jump real soon. What would happen if he died? Her heart couldn't bear to see that happen. So the real reason she was heading for the Van, was so she wouldn't see Sly jump.
"Back to the van." Carmelita replied.
"But you insisted that you stood beside me while I jumped?" Sly stated."You know, if I die and you're not here, that's your fault."
"Yeah, but if I stand beside the van, that's your fault," She told Sly.
Bentley interrupted the two love birds.
"We got an east wind with latitude of 4 knots." He Turtle proclaimed as he held his mobile monitor in the air. "I can't wait to go ahead."
"Well go," Sly said.
Bentley now had a kink to his plan. He tried to come up with a solution.
"No," he said bashfully. "You guys go on ahead."
"Hey," Murray proclaimed cool. "If you spit from up here, when your spit lands, it goes like 50 ft into the ground." Murray then leaned over the bridge, and started to grunt, hocking up a loogie.
"I wouldn't do that." Bentley told Murray.
Too late. Murray then spat a horrific spit wad out of his mouth. Two seconds later, that same exact spit wad came right back up and struck Murray right in the face. His expression immediately turned disgusted, as he wiped the snot and saliva from his face. Bentley showed the hippo the monitor and pointed towards the screen.
"The updraft is 50 knots." Bentley stated.
Sly looked over both of his friends and noticed the second Base jumper that was there before the gang. He was dressed in a jump suit, and was obviously a beagle. This BASE jumper, just like the last, took forever just to jump. It was about 4 minutes later, when Sly spoke to the Beagle.
"Come on man," Sly stated. "Let's go before the cops come."
The beagle cocked an eyebrow. He thought it was strange that the raccoon wanted to jump before the cops came, yet the raccoon's girlfriend just so happen to look very much like a cop herself.
The beagle just sighed and shook his head.
"Yeah," Murray stated to the jumper. "Jump while there's still gravity."
"Hey," the beagle stated like a douche bag, trying to get the gang to shut up. "I'm doing a little thing called preparation, armature."
The gang's eyes shot wide.
"Armatures?" Murray stated surprised. "Do you know who we are?"
"Yeah," Sly stated slightly offended by the Beagles comment. "We're the cooper gang. We lived on this gorge a lot longer than your ass has."
The Beagle couldn't take it. He let go of the railing and flew a hundred feet.
"Yeah, you better fall away!" Sly shouted.
Then suddenly, the gang started to notice, very slowly, that the Beagle hadn't pulled his chute. He was getting lower, and lower to the ground.
"Hey," Murray asked Sly. "Shouldn't that Beagle pull his chute?"
Cooper's eyes studied the silhouette of the Beagle, and that's when he noticed something.
"No, he did pull his chute but it's wrapped around his legs."
As the Diver got closer to the ground, the gang started to become more frantic.
"Shouldn't a chute be puffy and floaty?" Murray asked nervous.
"Not when it's wrapped around your legs." Cooper exclaimed.
The diver was now only 300 feet from the ground. The gang was about to watch a man die in front of their eyes. They didn't want that to happen. The gang started shouting tips.
"Dude!" Murray yelled to the diver. "Start flapping you arms."
"Do something!" Bentley exclaimed.
"Tuck and roll!" Cooper shouted. "Tuck and roooo oh"
Everyone winced. The diver made complete impact to the ground. His body now became lifeless and limp on the rocks. Carmelita ran over to the gang, when she heard them shouting. She got there to see the dead body.
"Oh my God!" Carmelita exclaimed.
Murray then pointed to the ground.
"Dude!"Murray shouted. "That guys helmet popped off. "
And that's when Sly noticed something.
"He wasn't wearing a helmet."
Chapter 4: When I say Jump.
Thank God that Sly's girlfriend just so happened to be Carmelita Montoya Fox. If that wasn't the case, the Chief would have already arrested their ass when arriving on the scene. Instead, after Carmelita's frantic 15 minute pleading and begging, the chief decided to listen to Cooper and Murray's side of the story. Sly could only think of a line from his favorite TV show South Park. 'press the x button to lie.'
"We were just driving by at the speed limit." Cooper stated to the chief.
"35," Murray added.
"We were just, you know, picking up trash; protecting the environment."
"Give a hoot. Don't pollute." The Hippo sang.
The chief cocked an eyebrow.
"And there were these guys jumping. You know hooligans." Sly continued. "So we pulled over and watched them."
"It's not a crime to watch, right?" Murray asked.
"No," The chief replied. "It's just a crime to participate."
"Oh, man." Bentley stated into thin air. "That poor beagle."
"Well," The chief replied. "Look on the bright side. It's one less knob in the world."
Cooper turned to Murray and mouthed the word 'Knobs?'
Cooper then turned his head back and asked the Chief of police. "So, are you going to let us go?"
"You're lucky That Carmelita is your girlfriend," The chief stated. "Or I would have arrested your ass in an instant. You're free to go. But here's a little warning, if you are involved with any sort of crime, regardless of your relationship to the best cop on Interpol, I will throw your ass in Jail faster than you can say, 'damn, that was fast.'" And with that last statement, the chief rounded up the rest of his troops, and they headed off in the ambulance.
Cooper and Murray both exchanged looks, almost saying 'whew. That was a close call.'
Carmelita strode over to her boyfriend, looking at the rocks where a body once laid.
"That was so tragic." She stated.
"yeah, we almost got a ticket." Sly replied.
"No," Carmelita proclaimed. "The guy dying, that was tragic. Come on, let's just go home."
"No, no, no, no, no," Sly stated really fast. "We can't go. We still got to jump."
The Fox's eyes widen.
"What!" she yelled.
"oh hell yeah!" Murray shouted as he lifted one leg over the rail. Sly stopped him.
"You should probably grab a chute." Cooper stated.
Murray at first, thought about what he was saying. Then it hit him.
"Oh yeah," Murray said.
Carmelita was furious. She smacked her hands on the rail.
"You're not serious are you?" She shouted. "A guy just died here. Do you get that? Died. D-IED!"
Cooper shrugged away the mental image.
"What are the odds of it happening twice in a row?" he laughed nervously. "It's like lightning."
Carmelita use to be my punisher. Now she's my protector. Whenever I'm involved in a stupid situation that could get my ass either killed or thrown in jail, she is always the first one to stand up and take the heat.
But she's got to get over that. Because I don't want to be 80 years old; living in a nursing home; and have her on my back telling me that I can't slide down the safety ramp.
I can just picture it now. I'll be old, wrinkled, and in a wheel chair about ready to go down a three foot ramp. And she'll be old, wrinkly, and in a walker. She'll tell me that I can't slide down the ramp, and I'll be all like "Whatever women. I got only a few more days to live." Then I'll go like an inch and my heart would explode.
"Cooper!" Carmelita continued. "His head popped off and rolled away. Popped and rolled. Don't you think that's a bad sign?" Carmelita was very persistent. After she saw one BASE jumper die, she was very fearful of her boyfriend jumping.
"He was dead long before that." Cooper announced.
Carmelita just squinted her eyes and looked at her boyfriend as if to say 'who are you?' Cooper knew that look.
"Now," he stated. "don't give me the Squinty miss Squinterson look."
Carmelita sighed and tucked in both arms.
"Or the arm fold folderson sigh,"
She then looked away. It was such a hard thing to do; having a relationship with Cooper. He knew all of her looks, moods, and moves she'd do. It was going to take a lot to surprise him.
"Why?" she asked Cooper. "Why do you have to be an Adrenalin Junkie?"
"Because," he replied. "Doing things like this make me feel alive. And...well…you can't wrap your mind around that because you get your rush…buying shoes."
Carmelita looked at Cooper and gave him the death stare.
"And shoes are great," he saved himself. "But I need more than that." He whined.
"In a pine box and 6ft of dirt?" she asked.
"Yes," Cooper exclaimed at Carmelita's sarcasm. "And a head stone that reads, 'here lies Sly Cooper. He was the greatest thieve known to mankind. He lived life on the edge, and he got to tap Carmelita Fox."
She gave him the death stare again.
"It's a compliment." Sly proclaimed.
Murray and Bentley arrived on the "here lies" part of the conversation. Murray had three parachutes. He threw one over Sly, gave one to Bentley, and snapped his own right on his back.
"You know," Bentley began. "I want to be cremated when I die. And as you all know from my Christmas letter I don't want to be kept on life support."
Murray moved over to the edge of the bridge as he spoke.
"I want to be kept on life support." Murray stated. "I want to be a vegetable,"
"Want to be?" Sly laughed. "Dude, you already are."
"What?" Murray asked.
"Nothing."
"Just think how awesome it would be to be a vegetable. People wait on you. And when people talk to you, you don't have to answer them back. Plus, you get to eat, through your arm. How sweet is that?" Murray announced.
Carmelita turned to Sly, and tapped him on the shoulder franticly trying to get his attention.
"Sly," she persisted. "If you jump and survive you'll be lucky to end up like Murray."
"I am not going to be a vegetable." Cooper proclaimed. "And besides, I'll more than likely not survive."
"But I will," she pleaded. "And I would be without you."
"Awww," Cooper sighed. "I know it's your duty as my girlfriend to say that. But it's my duty as the dude...to jump anyway."
"NO!" she shouted as she blocked the railing with her body. "You'll have so much to lose."
"We're not going to lose anything." He replied. He tried shifting over to the left of the rail. Again, Carmelita blocked it with her body. Sly then shifted over to the right. Again, Carm was there. Then, instead of moving in front of Sly like the last time, Carmelita gripped him in a pleading, clinging, hug.
Sly gave off an annoyed sigh. He tried thinking of reasons for Carm to let him jump.
"Look," he began. "Even if I do die. I'm not that great. You'll get over me. I mean, I don't listen to you. I'm not going to listen anytime soon. And I say stuff like this. God I must be the worst boyfriend ever."
"But you're my boyfriend." Carmelita cried. "You're my little ring tail."
"Cooper also has anger problems." Murray stated as he lifted both of his legs over the rail.
"Exactly," Cooper agreed.
"Eventually you and I will hook up anyway." Murray continued.
Sly and Carmelita now scowled ant Murray with such ferocious eyes that the Side of Murray's neck started to boil.
Sly threw one leg over the railing when Carm wasn't looking. Before he could throw the other leg over, Carmelita stopped him.
"COOPER!" she shouted. "YOU MAY NOT, YOU SHALL NOT, AND YOU WILL NOT JUMP OFF THIS BRIDGE!"
"Dude!" Murray stated. "You're whipped." And then he made the sound of a whip crackling.
When a women forbids a man to do something in front of another man, two things will happen.
The man will obviously ignore the women.
The other man will say "Whipped," and then make the sound of a whip cracking.
20 bucks says I'll be eighty, in a nursing home, and Carmelita will forbid me to eat some bacon. Murray will still say, "Whipped."
As Murray zipped up his jumpsuit before taking his dive, a bright Idea popped to his head.
"Hey Dude," he exclaimed to Sly. Sly turned his head to meat Murray's. "Do you know that one Cat Eastwood movie where he shoots all of those Russian guys?" Murray continued. "I want you to pretend your Cat Eastwood, and pretend to shoot me off the bridge."
Sly just shook his head. "Murray," He exclaimed. "I'm in the middle of an argument with my fiancée. I have no time to play games."
Murray didn't take the hint. So he started to do his finest impression of a Russian guy.
"I killed you rodkie partnar and he scrdeamed like a little giral. What are you going to do?" (Sorry. it's suppose to be a russian accent.) The hippo exclaimed.
Sly laughed and shook his head. He decided to play along. Once in a while it is always fun to play childish games. So, using his hands to pull his hair back, he did his finest impression of Cat Eastwood; with on hand on his hair and the other in the shape of a gun, pointed at Murray.
"You have the right to remain dead." Sly stated in a gruff tone. Then he pretended to fire two shots. "Bang bang."
Murray clutched his chest, playing along. And then, taking one last breath, he decided to lean off the bridge. He flew 100 feet before pulling his chute. Everyone on the bridge leaned forward to watch Murray fall. They cheered him on when he pulled his chute; everyone except Carmelita.
"you see Carmelita?" Sly stated to her. "Murray is completely fine. His chute is puffy and floaty."
Bentley could no longer take the pressure. He pulled his goggles over his eyes, and without his conciseness, he yelled, "That's it, I'm jumping." He ran to the side of the bridge. When he had one leg over the bar, Bentley fully realized what he was about to do. He shocked himself. There was no way in hell that Bentley would Jump. So, using his wits, he faked a leg cramp, and told Sly to go first.
Sly was very eager to Jump. The anticipation was pumping through his system so fast that he could feel his body move without his consistence. It was automatic. Grab the chute, strap it on, pull yourself over the rails, and Jump. The only thing that stopped his systematic timing was his one and only true love, Carmelita. She grabbed him by the arm, while he started to lift both of his feet over the rail. He stood there' both feet on the side and one arm in Carmelita's palm, when she said those words.
"Sly!" she yelled with a fiery burning passion. "If you jump off this bridge, I. Will. Leave. You!"
The Ringtail stopped. He tried replaying the words in his mind, trying to find a way around it. Leave him? Never in a million years did he think that Carmelita would say those words. He slowly backed away from the ledge. Still, however he didn't move his legs back onto the bridge. He stared at Carmelita, surprised, while she continued.
"If you jump off this bridge," She yelled like a preacher. "I will pack my things….and I'll move back in with my dad...And I promise that I'll never see you Again!"
Sly's eyes were rounded to the point that they reflected light. He couldn't believe it. Carmelita loved him so much that she'd leave him if he ever put himself in danger.
But then it dawned on him. Maybe she loved him so much that she couldn't leave him. She never could resist his charm. That why she lied to him when he faked amnesia. She loved him too much. So maybe, it was just possible, that she never meant anything that she said. Maybe she was lying.
"no you won't." He guffawed. He then, threw on his safety goggles, as he put himself in the diving position, ready to jump.
"SLY!" she yelled.
Too late. In no later than a second, Sly sprang free into the air and free fall 10 hundred feet.
"I'm airborne!" he declared as he fell.
Adrenaline is the perfect drug. Forget cocaine, and forget marijuana, Adrenaline is where it's at. It's made free right in your body. All you have to do is jump off a bridge where the right equipment. Or ride a rollercoaster strapped in the right equipment.
Or
You can sleep with Carmelita Montoya Fox.
Wearing the right "equipment"
As Murray and Cooper got right back on the bridge, they met up with Bentley. Both the Raccoon and the Hippo described the Jump in vivid detail. Both in the end said, it was the greatest experience in their lives. Bentley however, could only follow up on their story with an experience with a truck passing him while they were climbing up the mountain.
When Sly and Murray finally stopped laughing at Bentley's pathetic excuses for a follow story, Cooper finally noticed that someone was missing on the bridge.
"Where's Carmelita?" Sly asked.
"She left for the van immediately after you jumped." Bentley stated. "I have no clue what she's doing."
As if on cue, Carmelita ran on to the bridge from wherever she came. She had a weird spring to her step, and moved like a hyper jitterbug. She still had on her regular clothes, but equipped on her back, was a parachute. She was going to jump. When she spoke, she sounded like a high school cheerleader.
"Alright, let's jump this bitch!" she declared.
"w-what!" Sly yelled.
"Yeah, I'm going to rip into life, pull this chord, and then buy 15 pairs of shoes. It will be a double rush. But you probably can't wrap your mind around that."
At first, Sly was very surprised. But, as her motives dawned on him, he began to laugh. He knew what she was doing. She had a habit of doing this. Whenever Sly did something very stupid, or very evil, she would impersonate him. It was to show a reflection of either how stupid or how ungrateful he was acting. Sometimes, Sly got the hint.
Other times, however, Sly just played along. So, with a loud cough, he began to do his impression of Carmelita.
"You're not serious are you? A man died here today. D-ied." He impersonated.
Carmelita rolled her eyes, and then turned to Murray.
"Murray? Do you push you self off, or do you just let yourself fall?" she asked.
"Murray, don't answer that." Sly said. the hippo didn't listen.
"You just jump, and the falling, just sorta happens." Murray stated.
"You just shut up, and the quiet, just sorta happens." Sly retorted. There was no way that Sly was going to let Carmelita jump. Sure, it seemed a bit hypocritical for Sly to not give Carmelita permission to jump. But this was different. She was the girl.
I have never got Carmelita into my extreme life style. Sure, I've gotten her to follow me when we use to be cops and robbers, but she was never in the life. Even now, while we are married, she never wants to be a part of anything dangerous.
She even wrote a poem about it.
It goes. "DUNE BUDDIES. AHHH! OH WHY OH WHY! PLEASE GOD, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, DON'T LET ME DIE!"
It rhymes.
He stopped Carmelita when she had one leg over the railing. This caused her to be caught between skydiving and standing on the bridge. When Sly grabbed her arm, he made sure that he got her attention.
"Allright Carmelita," Sly smiled. "I'll play your game." Then his expression immediately changed, from sarcasm, to fear and sadness. "Please Carmelita, I love you and I've seen what I've put you through. I'll never do it again. Oh god please don't jump." Then he cried. Immediately after, his expression changed back into his normal devious state, as he smiled. "See Carm. That's exactly what you sound like."
Carmelita just stared at him in the eyes. She wasn't going to give up that easy. If she did, then her decision to put on the chute would have been a waste. And if Sly could survive, so could she.
"Count to five and pull the chute" she stated. "I think I got this."
She then threw her other leg over the railing.
Sly was persistent. He knew that women always won the arguments, but it was in his nature as the man to win as many arguments as possible. And if Carmelita jumped and survived, he would lose, thus, making him never to jump off another bridge again. When Carmelita leaned over the railing for free fall, she was immediately caught by Sly's hand. With all his strength, he pulled her back.
"All right, we get it." He replied. "You've read the manual. Let's go home."
"In your dreams." She replied. Again she leaned forward, and yet again, Sly pulled her back. This time however, he was furious.
"Carmelita, you may not, you will not, you shall not jump off this bridge." Sly statted.
Murray gasped.
"Carmelita just got whipped." Murray proclaimed. "And she's the girl. That contradicts the laws of physics man."
When Sly wasn't looking, Carmelita again leaned forward. Luckily, Sly's hand kept her from falling off the bridge, and once more, he pulled her up. The whole situation was frustrating. All he wanted to do was to have Carmelita listening to him. This probably caused him to lose his cool.
"CARMELITA!" he yelled. "WE ARE HEADING HOME!"
Carmelita wasn't frightened. As a matter of fact, she was annoyed. Her eyes rolled so far back into her skull, for a second there, she thought she saw her brain. When Carm's eyes rolled back into position, she talked with frustration.
"Or what?" she replied snarky. "Are you going to leave me?"
"Yeah. I'll pack my bags and I'll move in with your dad." He stated.
"Ha." She laughed. "You're such a horrible liar."
That's when she did it. She didn't even mean anything about it. All she did was poke Sly's chest. In response he did something that grabbed Carmelita's attention immediately. He giggled. She cocked an eyebrow. She decided to poke him again. Once more, a small cackle escaped his lips.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked interested.
"I'm a little ticklish." He replied shy.
"Oh you are," she sang with enthusiasm. Suddenly, her fingers went into hyper drive, and started tickling Sly. As she got faster in faster, Sly started to curl into a ball. It was involuntary. Whenever someone gets tickled, that's how they react. And that was exactly what Carmelita had in mind. When Sly was too far back to keep a hold of Carmelita, she jumped.
It was at this moment, that Carmelita accidently pulled the chute way to early. She only fell a few feet, before the Chute caught on the bridges support metal beams, and swung her under the bridge. She was now left in mid air, swinging back in forth, with her only support being a back pack.
Sly was shocked; almost crying. To the gang, it looked as if Carmelita disappeared. He ran over the bridge railing, and called out her name. "Carmelita!" he screamed.
After a few seconds of silence, Sly's heart sank to his stomach. He felt as if his whole world came crashing down. He thought that she was gone, and gone forever. But before he burst into tears, everyone in the gang heard a sound. It was almost like a mouse squeaking. It was Carmelita, under the bridge, and she uttered a very small "help."
After a few minutes of planning, Sly grabbed a rope, undid his chute on the bridge, strapped on the chute. Gave the chute to the Bentley and Murray, and started to climb down the bridge towards Carmelita with the rope in his hand. Had he been younger, he wouldn't have given the gang his chute to pull him back up in case he fell. But, now that he was older, and in a relationship with Carm, he didn't trust how well his balance skills were. Better safe than sorry people always say.
As he climbed down the bridge, he tried to give Carmelita his comfort through words. However, since he was very nervous at the thought of falling, his words didn't exactly give Carm that much reassurance.
"Don't worry honey," Sly stuttered. "This happens all the time."
"It does?" Murray asked.
"Shut up," Sly replied harshly.
He continued to climb back down. He made sure he spoke to Carmelita along the way.
"Wow," Sly stated enthusiastically, as if he were talking to a pet dog. "You really jumped hon. You showed me, huh? Girl power." Then he gave off a nervous laughter.
Carmelita just hanged there. The position she was in made her look as If she were on a swing. She actually looked almost innocent. But mostly, she looked scared.
"Honey, are you alright?" Sly asked concerened.
"Well," Carmelita replied frighten and timid. "I banged my knee up a bit when falling, but I think I'm fine. I-I have a little scrape." And then she lost her cool. "AND I'M STUCK ON A FREAKIN BRIDGE!" she screamed. "HELP ME UP, HELP ME UP, HELP ME UP RIGHT NOW! I'M SO SCARED."
Cooper interrupted her.
"Now honey," he replied. "Your chute is stuck. There is no way you are going to fall."
Murray, who was up on the bridge, could hear their conversation. He decided to add his two cents.
"Unless you move, and dislodge the chute." The pink hippo added.
Carmelita immediately gasped at the suddenly realization of something. From the tone of her gasp, Sly knew exactly what she was going to say.
"Oh my god!" she squeaked with fear. "I'm going to die!"
"No you're not." Sly replied.
"Well of course she'll die." Murray added. "If she moves and the chute dislodges she'll fall to her death."
Sly tugged on his chute with force. This caused Murray, who was holding on to the strings, to slam his head into the rail. A resounded "thump" was heard followed by the echo of the railing. As Murray gasped for breath, he spoke.
"Dude!" he shouted. "That was awesome! I never felt so much adrenaline. Can you do that again?"
"With pleasure." Cooper replied, and once more, he tugged on the chute, causing Murray to slam his head again. Sly knew that he was probably giving his friend head trama, but he didn't care. He had more important issues on his hands; such as the life of his lover, wife, and possible mother of his child, Carmelita Montoya Fox.
"Please be calm," Sly ordered his wife to be while he unraveled the rope.
"you know what my last thought Is going to be before my guts get splattered all over those rocks is?" Carm timidly whispered to Sly. Then she shouted. "I'M GOING TO DIE SINGLE!"
"At least you have love," Bentley replied from the top of the bridge.
"Oh shut up Bentley!" she shouted. When she said this, her eyes drifted to the ground below. She screamed, and then closed her eyes, wishing for this day to be a bad dream.
Cooper immediately reacted when he heard the one he loved scream. He was about to hand her the rope, but he noticed that her eyes were closed. It would be kind of hard for someone to catch something, if their eyes were closed and their hands were gripped tightly around something. He tried to get her attention.
"Honey," he stated. "You know that thing you do, when you stare at me because you're really pissed off. Do that."
"That means I have to open my eyes." She screamed.
"no duh, now grab the rope," he stated as he tossed her the line.
"But I still have to open my eyes." She screamed with her eyes wide shut.
"Honey, open your eyes. I can't reach you if you don't help me." He yelled as he wound up the rope.
"Less talking, more saving."
I can save anyone from tragedy. It's all about thinking quickly and finding the right word.
"Honey, when we get married, I want you in a black dress."
That did the trick. She immediately stared towards Sly, with her mouth gapped open and her eyes widen with surprise and anger. It was a death stare times 10. It was so powerful that it almost shot Sly right off the bridge.
"A BLACK DRESS?" she lashed out.
He suddenly smiled, realizing that his words did the trick.
"There that's the look I'm looking for!" he sang as he tossed the rope to her. Again, the rope bounced off her and Sly had to tie it back up. Carmelita spoke to herself, still amazed at what Sly said.
"What kind of pig where's a black wedding dress?" she said out loud.
"I was thinking some leather, red pumps, and some fish necks. Now please grab the rope."Sly stated.
"I'm wearing white!" Carmelita exclaimed. "A white lacy sleeveless gown; elegant but understated."
Again the rope fell. Sly stayed on the topic of their wedding.
"Well what about the shoes?" he asked. Then under his breath, he commanded "grab the rope."
"The shoes? Oh yeah." Carmelita remembered; this time actually involuntarily grabbing the rope. Sly started to pull her into the bridge as she spoke. "Maybe some green colored plaids, cause you know how my arch-"
Immediately, Carmelita accidently looked down, and screamed. Sly tried calming her down as he pulled her in closer.
"Don't worry babe," Sly said to the frantic Carmelita. "I got you."
"And I got you." Murray said.
Suddenly, a small but audible ring was heard. It was obviously Murray's cell phone. The thing that wasn't obvious, however, was as soon as the ringtone was heard, Murray dropped what he was doing (which in this case, would be Sly,) and picked up his phone. Sly screamed as Murray let go. Sly clung to his girlfriend for dear life. Now Sly and Carmelita, were just swinging back and forth. If the chute slipped, the couple would fall 500 feet to their immediate deaths. And yet, here was Murray, yapping on his phone like a Chihuahua.
Murray flipped open his phone. "Hey, this is Murray who is this?"
"Murray!" the couple screamed.
"Excuse me," Murray told the person on the other line. Then he turned to the couple. "I'm on the phone," he exclaimed. Then he went back to his conversation on the phone.
"Murray!" Sly screamed.
"What! What is so important? Can't you see that I'm on the phone?"
Nothing scares Murray, except for spiders, coffins, fire, guards, drowning, Carmelita…..
Okay, scratch that, everything scares Murray now of days.
But when he was a kid, oh my god. It was like he had no fear what so ever. I remember an incident growing up in the orphanage, where he brought me and Bentley out and he struck a bee's nest with a bat. He called bee's nest "natures piñata."
He would have been a hell of a fire man. But, according to Murray's rules of logic, since he couldn't grow a mustache, he couldn't be a fire man.
Now that the motion of swinging stopped, Sly and Carmelita were stuck. That was the good news. The bad news was, in this position, they could both feel the chute getting looser and looser.
"Guys!" Sly screamed. "A little help here please. Bentley."
Bentley immediately grabbed Sly's chute. "I got it." Bentley proclaimed. Then Bentley started to go to his left, which was the opposite way of the bridge.
"Other way." Carmelita stated.
"I knew that." Bentley defended himself as he strode to his right.
The unfortunate thing was, since Bentley already walked to the left, the motion of him moving back and forth was causing the couple to swing again. Both would each try to grab on the bridge, but each time, they failed, and would start to swing out back into thin air. Sly, was still trying to ease the stress of his women, by talking about their wedding.
"What kind of flowers do you want for the wedding?" Sly asked.
"Oh shut up." Carmelita lashed. "We're going to die. I have no time to talk about this. I want 'bird's in paradise,' and if those aren't available then 'season lily's'"
While the couple spoke, Murray immediately realized what was happening in front of him, and climb back up the bridge, to join Bentley and help him pull Sly and Carmelita back to safety. Murray climb over the railing, and assisted the turtle. He grabbed the chute and started walking to the right. Both the hippo and the turtle started to pull the rope up so Sly and Carmelita could land on one of the support beams. Slowly, but surly, Sly and Carmelita got closer to a beam. They got close enough to the point that Carmelita reached out with one of her hands, and pulled both her and Sly on to the bottom of the bridge. They landed on the beam with a loud thump. They breathed so heavily.
Carmelita, once she sat down on the bottom metal parts of the bridge, started to calm down.
Cooper however, was panicking.
"Honey, are you alright!" he said.
Carmelita then looked at Sly. It wasn't a death stare, and it wasn't a blank stare. It was a strange type of stare that Cooper felt he saw before, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. The stare burned just like the death stare, but instead of anger, it burned with passion and want. Still, however, Carmelita didn't speak. This drove Sly to asking the question...
"Honey? What's wrong?"
And that's that when she said it.
"That made me so horny!"
"What!"
And before Sly could say one more word, Carmelita pulled him to her mouth, and started to undo the buttons on his shirt.
Certain girls, are turned on by certain things. I realized that day that near life-death experiences make Carmelita Hooooooooooooooooooooot!
Note to self: on our honey moon, remember to dress Murray in a ski mask and tell him to car jack us. Then, let the good times roll. rawr.
After a few seconds of frantic kissing, and the dismantling of clothes, some blood finally reached Sly's brain. He had the common sense to stop the kissing, before they got any farther. His breath was hyperventilating.
"Honey, we need to stop." He stated with his shirt off his chest.
"were just getting started." She giggled with lust. Then, like a dominatrix, she commanded, "take your pants off, now."
"We're on the bridge." He stated, pushing her mouth away from his face. "We can't do it on a bridge, that's just too risky."
"Doesn't the danger make it that much more pleasurable." She lustfully told him. "And besides. Risky makes me frisky."
She pulled Sly back in for another tongue wagging, devilish French kiss. Sly's blood slowly started to leave his head and headed to "other places." his tail wagging like a dog's.
I felt like a virgin all over again. I never done it on a bridge before.
Then, yet again, my mind kicked in. I had to get us to safety.
However, I still was turned on. I tried thinking of anything; dad scratching himself with a salad fork; getting defeated at Halo. Anything to keep me down.
Then, I thought of Aunt Grace in her underwear. That did the trick.
Carmelita was very persistent. She would not take no for an answer. While Sly finally stood on the metal beam, Carmelita started using her tongue and flicked his pointy ears. Sly was very frustrated with Carmelita. It was almost like talking to a brick wall. But the ear thing was what broke the straw on the camel's back.
"Dammit Carmelita." He yelled. "If you want to have sex this bad, when we get home, I'll put the mattress on the roof."
Her eye's widen at the idea, and suddenly she submitted. "Well in that case, it's a deal." She stated. She turned to get her balance on the metal support, when her eye's darted down. Her gasp was so loud, that Sly was afraid that she "lost herself," before he even did anything. Then, she spoke.
"Oh My God, Sly" she exclaimed enthusiastically while looking down. "I totally understand you now."
Sly looked down. And for the first time in his life, he noticed something. Danger.
"oh my god, Carmelita." He stated with fear. "I totally understand you now."
"we're hanging off a bridge together." She stated plain of fact.
"yeah. We can fall 500 feet to our deaths." He stated.
"I know, isn't awesome!"
That's when Sly realized something. Carmelita had changed in front of his eyes. She became something that Sly wanted, That Sly needed. And he changed too. They changed as a couple. Now they both truly understood each other, and why one was not like the other. Maybe the old time saying was right. Opposites attract.
"you're cool." Sly said to Carm.
She felt her heart warm as he said those words. She realized that she loved him, no matter how stupid, ignorant, or annoying he was. Was he perfect, hell no. but he was hers, and she was his. Together, forever, in perfect harmony.
"You make me cool." She replied.
She's beautiful, smart, courageous, powerful, strong, firm, kind, caring, uplifting, seducing, and sexy. I got the girlfriend lottery with her. And, that day, she understood me. I never had anything to lose when I was a thieve. But now, Carmelita is my something. Carmelita makes me not want to splatter myself on the rocks. Carmelita makes me not want to blow a tire drag racing and crash into a wall. She's the reason I never steal anymore. She's the reason that I don't take any risk.
Great.
BUT NOW I'M BORRING!
He freaked. He was acting almost like a small school girl, screaming at the top of his lungs as he climbed up the bridge. Carm was the one that pulled him down.
"What's the matter with you?" she asked.
"We got too much to lose" he said frantic. "I don't want to die."
"We'll lose nothing," she replied. "Bentley will pull us up."
"No, no, no." he said quickly. "The chute could snap and we'll fall to our deaths. I could lose you." As he spoke more, he started to curl himself into a ball on the bridge. Then and Idea popped into his head. "I know!" he proclaimed. "We'll just live right her on the bridge. We'll raise our kids right on the girder."
"Aww." Carmelita stated. A dumb and scared Sly was so cute.
"We'll be bridge people." He said.
While Carmelita enjoyed this sight, she quickly realized it was her job as the girl, to comfort him. She tried to use the same tactic as Sly did, and asked him about their wedding.
"What will you be wearing to the wedding?" She asked. "A top hat and coattails to match your tail?"
Sly took it to offense.
"I'm not introducing Clowns," he replied. "And it's a bad time to bring up wedding crap."
"Honey, we'll be fine." She stated. "We'll climb up the bridge. And even if you don't we got our parachutes on."
"Okay, honey." He said as he stood up, ready to climb the bridge. "If you do fall, you throw you pilot chute. That opens the parachute. And when you land, make sure to bend your knees. Otherwise if you don't, your femur could be jammed up into your chest, rip your heart out and kill you."
Instead of being shocked or appealed by what Cooper said, Carmelita got that glint in her eye's once more.
"Keep talking baby," she sultry told him. "You're turning me on."
"I said, not now!" he replied. He then turned to others for help. "Murray!"
That's when they hear it. Sirens. And the sirens belong to non other, that the chief of police that tried to arrest them earlier. Murray and Bentley immediately panicked, and threw the chute down. It fell onto Sly's face. Both the hippo and Bentley did something drastically different. While Sly fumed in defeat, he could hear Bentley plea to the cops.
"I didn't do anything!" Bentley screamed. "It was those two down on the bridge. And this hippo here. He sells pot."
"When I was a teenager!" the hippo replied.
"Sir," the officer stated. "Put your hands behind your back."
Murray was not going to let the law win. So instead of complying, he made sure that his chute was secure and jumped off the bridge.
Sly actually caught a Glimpse of Murray falling once he stuffed his chute pack in his pack. Then, to the left of Sly, a small rope with a yellow strap around it lowered itself.
"You two down there," the chief said, unaware that he was speaking to Sly and Carmelita. "Put the harness on and we'll pull you up."
Carmelita started to cry.
"We're busted!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah, but at least we got a ride." Sly statted.
"NO!" she shouted. "I'm jumping."
"What?"
"Sly. You know how some girl's have dreams of being movie stars or runway models? Well, my dream was to be the only one in my family not to get arrested. That's why I became a cop. My brother was sent to jail three times in his life, my sister was arrested on drug charges, and now I'm going to be arrested on a bridge."
Sly had to take pity. In a life so simple, dreams were as well. He wanted to help her in some way to achieve that dream, and that's when the light bulb went off in his head. He took off both his chute, and Carmelita's chute, and then placed her parachute on his body.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Trading chutes." He replied. "Here's my Idea. You jump before me, and then I'll go after you. Once we get to the bottom, you can trade my chutes. And when the cops come, you'll have me in cuffs, and can tell them that I tried stealing a car or something."
"You know that saying that and pleading guilty could get you up to three months in prison."
"2 with good behavior." He replied.
Her heart warmed even more.
"You'll go to the slammer, for me?"
"Anything for you babe."
She grew a smile that made him melt. Once he realized what they were about to do, he told his Girlfriend something important.
"Carm," he began. "I just want you to know, that if your chute doesn't go, I'll just fall to my death."
She was starting to feel the butterflies in her stomach. It was comforting to know that he was marring this man.
"Okay." She replied. But, before she jumped, she gave her pearl of wisdom. "Oh, and if your chute doesn't open….I'll date other people."
And with that she jumped. Sly immediately jumped after her, shouting, "You better not date Murray!"
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Doggie Thomas once said "Do not go quietly into that night. Rage against the dying of the light."
But, if you got someone at home you loves you, rage responsibly.
Oh, and if you happen to live by the Leslie Claypool Bridge spanning over the Roger Water's gap, and you decide one day that you want to jump it, I've got a simple piece of advice.
Don't tell your girlfriend.
Cause the next thing you know, she's strapping you in handcuffs and you have to spend 1 and a half months in prison with some weird dude name "Frank."
Doggie Thomas=Dillon Thomas.
Forrest Grub Worm=Forrest Gump
So what do you guys think. I know that has been a while. Sorry for the wait. Hope you enjoy.
Oh, and the name for the Gap and the bridge, they are named after my two favorite Bass Payers.
Les Claypool for Primus (this man is a freak. both with his humor and how freaking fast he can play the bass)
And Roger Water's for Pink Floyd. (lyrical genius. philosepher. you know the album The Wall. Yeah, he wrote the whole damn thing.)
Please review. 20 reviews equals the next chapter.
Preview: titus episode-Private Dave