Hopeful

Part 4

Spoiler: A scene from A bullet runs through it.

This story's a sequel to 'Hope', which was written before 'Dead Doll'. In my story, it's Sara's leg that gets hurt, not her arm.

In the preceding days, Sara had often wondered what Gil's reaction would be. Unfortunately, the only scenarios she could image were those she'd learned from the TV movies she'd watched as a child.

She tried to picture Gil saying something like, 'how could you let that happen?' thus putting the blame on her, but she refused to believe he'd do that. On the other hand, she couldn't imagine him smiling beatifically at her and saying this was all he ever wanted, either. And she couldn't imagine Gil being goofy-eyed at the news that his little soldiers had scored.

As she waited for his reaction, the only thing Sara was pretty sure of was that Gil would be shocked by the news. He would probably push her away at arm's length and look at her, eyes big with incredulity…

But he didn't do any of this.

This was Gil Grissom, after all; the only thing one could expect from him was the unexpected.

Instead of pushing Sara away, Gil sighed as if in relief, and then held her even tighter.

A sudden realization hit her.

"You knew," she said breathlessly.

She pushed him at arms' length, her eyes big with surprise.

Gil only smiled faintly.

"You knew!" she said, and this time there was an implied accusation. "How -" then her eyes narrowed, "Did Catherine tell you?"

"Did you tell Catherine?" he asked, in surprise.

"How did you know?" Sara insisted.

"Well... Let's see. In the last couple of weeks, your breasts have became slightly swollen and sensitive," he said matter-of-factly, "You can't stand the scent of vanilla candles, and you've suddenly developed an aversion to asparagus soup, which used to be your favorite -"

Sara gaped. As Gil continued the list of symptoms, she realized that he may have known even before she did.

"Greg is right," she blurted out, "You're a little freaky, sometimes."

But there was admiration rather than criticism behind those words, and Grissom must have known, because he suddenly looked very proud of himself.

Sara smiled despite herself.

"Oh, you..." she said, shaking her head. "I don't believe this. How long have you known?" she asked, "Why didn't you say something?"

Grissom only smiled.

"Come on," he said, motioning her to come with him.

With his arm around her waist, he helped back into the living room.

Sara sat and looked at him, wondering what lay behind that quiet demeanor. He was too quiet –too composed. Not that she was complaining. This wasn't the reaction she'd been expecting, but it was a good reaction –the best, probably.

Gil sat beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.

"Were you ever going to say anything?" she asked.

His smile faded. He shook his head.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because I needed to hear it from you," he said softly. "It was your decision, Sara."

Those words sobered her up.

"But I could have decided anything," she said softly. That was the truth.

"I know," he said. He caressed her cheek. "I know."

Sara touched his face, too.

"How long have you known?" she asked.

"About a week, I suppose."

"And you kept it to yourself," she said in disbelief.

"Well, I didn't really believe it, at first," he said.

"Me, neither," she admitted. "We were always so careful -" she sighed. "We really were."

"Well," he shrugged slightly, "You know there's a small percentage of failure in contraceptive methods."

"Yeah, but… even so. I mean, we're not two teens who got careless -"

"Just two adults who did," he said sheepishly.

"It's embarrassing," she said.

He smiled, in genuine amusement. She smiled back.

"Listen to me, talking about being embarrassed." She smiled, then looked down. She put her hand on top of his. "I wanted to tell you," she said, more serious now.

He nodded.

"I kept hoping you would." He said softly, "One way or the other, I was hoping you would count on me. I believe you tried to tell me, a couple of times. But you ended up saying something else."

"I chickened out every time," she admitted.

Grissom frowned.

"Were you afraid of what my reaction would be?"

"It was complicated," she said. "It is complicated. This relationship was meant to be your solace, Gil. That's what I said, remember? That there would be no compromises between us… That we would be free to leave, whenever we wanted…"

"I know what we said," he nodded. "But I'm committed to you, Sara. The minute we got involved, I considered myself married to you. I'm free to leave but I don't want to."

Her lips trembled a little at this. She pressed them together, then smiled.

"It's wonderful to hear you say that. I wish I'd realized that sooner. I…" she paused for a minute. "I didn't immediately decide on having the baby," she admitted softly. "But I don't think I could have, you know -" she couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence. "I was scared, that's all. Still am."

"Scared?"

"I mean, what if I can't be a good parent?" she said. "What if I can't be nurturing enough?"

"Sara, do you remember when Greg said he wanted to be a CSI? Remember that I asked you to help him? I asked you because I knew you'd be nice to him. I knew you'd be there through good and bad. You are a nurturing person."

She smiled widely. She was silent for a moment, enjoying the fact that he felt like this about her.

"To tell you the truth," Grissom said, then, "Deep down, I didn't doubt you'd want this child. What I didn't know was whether you'd want me around."

"Oh, Griss," she sighed, "I'm sorry you felt that way. I did want you around. I was just afraid that you would say yes just because I wanted it too much. I was hoping you'd want a child because you believed it was right."

He paused for a moment, thinking this over.

"I didn't believe it at first," he said truthfully. "But then I thought, maybe I should wait for you to decide. I mean, eight years ago you believed I could be in a relationship and I didn't. But now I see you were right; I love being in a relationship. If you believed I could be a father, then you would tell me."

"So… You knew, all along -"

He shrugged slightly. "All I could do was wait. All I could do was -" he paused, looking for the right word. "-love you."

Her heart beat faster at the sound of that word. Her face must have shown some emotion, because he smiled faintly. "I've never said it, have I?"

Sara shook her head.

"I do," he said. "It's just -I don't know." He paused, then frowned at a new thought, "I guess I've always been afraid that I'll jinx this relationship if I say it out loud."

She smiled with genuine amusement.

"What?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Nothing. I've just realized that I've felt the same all this time."

"Amazing, isn't it? Two scientists yielding to superstition." His gaze shifted away for a moment, then returned to her, "I love you."

She stared into his eyes for a moment.

"I love you, too," she said. "It's so good to be able to say it," she sighed, leaning against him.

They were silent for a moment, simply holding each other.

"Parents," she said suddenly. "A lot is going to change now."

"For good," he added.

"I don't want us to change too much, though," she said thoughtfully.

"Ok."

She rubbed his cheek.

"Are you happy?"

He leant into her open palm for a moment. Then he looked at her and smiled faintly.

"Yes," he said simply.

She smiled. It wasn't the word but the way he said it that convinced her that it was true; he was happy.

"Aren't you a bit scared of this?" she asked softly.

"Very," he admitted. "There is no way to be really prepared for parenthood. But you know something? Since met you, anything seems possible."

THE END.

There's a story of mine that might be considered a companion piece for this: "No regrets," where there's a mention of Sara's and Gil's baby.