Kay so I realised that I haven't thanked everyone for all the favourites/alerts, so thank you so much :) it means a lot to me

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Castle's stomach was doing flips as he knocked on her door, dreading what was coming, but there was no answer. He waited a few minutes and tried again, then again. Nothing. He sunk down to the floor, his back pressed against the wall and let his head fall into his hands. A part of him thought that she knew it would be him at the door and wasn't even bothering to answer, another part told him that maybe she was out drowning her sorrows. Wherever she was, he was sure she wouldn't be in a good state and he couldn't stop the worry from gnawing at his insides.

He sat for half an hour outside her door until, finally, he heard the elevator doors open and looked up to see her stepping out. His heart sunk at the sight of her; her body soaked through with the autumn rain, her hair falling in wet clumps around her shoulders, her make up running from a mix of water and tears and her pain-filled eyes puffy and red-rimmed. He hated himself, hated that he'd done this to her. None of the pain she had ever caused him would justify this, and what pained him the most was that she looked so broken he couldn't even begin to imagine how he could fix her after this.

She stopped dead when she saw him, and he couldn't work out quite what the emotions were that were swimming in her shining eyes but he knew that he would have to face them whatever they were. He pushed himself of the floor, ignoring the pain caused from sitting still for so long, and turned towards her to face the music.

…

She wasn't really sure how she was feeling anymore. Once she'd cried herself out and the aching sorrow had begun to subside a little it was raging anger that had taken her and driven her over to Castle's loft. She'd hammered on the door again and again to no avail until she'd finally given up and stormed out, not even sure where she was going to go. Eventually she'd ended up in the cemetery, standing over her mother's grave while the rain soaked her through to the bone. She thought that talking to her mother might've helped clear her mind, but it had only deepened her confusion so she'd turned around and gone home again.

She stepped out of the elevator shivering, her wet clothes finally registering in her mind, but as her eyes travelled to her door she stopped dead in her tracks. He was here, outside her apartment, probably to gloat over his handiwork. Couldn't he just leave her in peace, let it be enough to know how this had broken her? Did he really have to see it in person?

She tipped her head down and avoided his gaze, walking straight past him to the door and shoving her key into the lock.

'Kate?' his voice was strangely quiet, apologetic even, nervous. But that didn't change anything. She didn't want to talk him, ever, preferably. He didn't deserve her attention.

'Kate?' he asked again in that voice that normally would have made her melt, 'Kate, please,' no. No. No. She was not going to talk to him. The door was open now and she would just shut it in his face like he deserved.

'Kate, I know you hate me,' well done, Einstein. She was inside but as she went to shut the door he threw himself in front of the frame 'Kate, please, I know you don't wanna talk to me. I get it, I do. But you have to let me explain, and I'm not leaving until you do,'

She was torn. She didn't want to listen to his stupid excuses, didn't even want to look at him, but maybe if she just let him get it out of his system he'd leave her alone. Not that she even really wanted that. She didn't want him to leave her and never come back, what she really wanted was the old him back. She wanted the man that she'd fallen in love with, that had brought her coffee regularly like a morning kiss, and picked her up before she even knew she was down. But he was gone, if he'd ever even really been there in the first place. Kate sighed, brushing a hand over her dripping wet face and then opened the door a fraction.

As soon as he was in he turned to her, his face desperate, and grabbed her arms, forcing her to face him 'Kate look at me, look at me, please,' he begged, oh God he was begging. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry. Really, I swear I am. I know it doesn't change anything, and that it doesn't make it better, but I need you to know. I need you to know that I hate myself, I will never stop hating myself for this,' what? Now she was confused. If he hated her, why was he apologising? Was this some ploy of his to make sure that her heart wasn't only broken but irreparable? Could he really be that cruel? She chanced a look into his blue eyes and her heart twisted. There was no hate in them, no anger, no nothing except desperation 'Kate? Please say something. Just tell me what you're thinking, what you want me to do-I swear I'll do anything. Really,'

'Castle…' she pulled herself out of his grasp and backed away 'Just…go,' her heart wasn't in it, but she needed him to go, because she couldn't forgive him and seeing him just made the betrayal sting all the more.

'No…no, Kate, I need to explain everything to you. Please, I just need you to know the truth. I'm not expecting you to forgive me, not even a little bit, but I do need you to listen to me,'

'Castle I don't want to listen to what you have to say,' she turned so that her back was to him so that he wouldn't see the treacherous tears leaking out of her eyes. Dammit, she really thought she'd finished with the crying. He wasn't worth it.

'Kate,'

'Castle, just go!' she shouted at him and pulled her door open again. He looked at her, pleading, but she dropped her gaze and turned her head away again

'Please, Kate. I know you hate me but I don't care, I just don't care. I need to explain it to you,'

'Explain what, Castle?' she snapped at him. She hadn't meant to lose her cool but she could feel herself losing it again, and she needed him out. Now. 'Explain how I hurt your feelings? How instead of talking about it with me you did everything you possibly could to hurt me back? How when that didn't seem to work well enough you did something you knew would break me beyond repair? How you betrayed my trust? How you hate me?' her voice rose as she threw the questions at him so that by the end she was almost screaming at him, and she was surprised by how good it felt.

'Hate you?' he looked incredulous 'God, Kate, I don't hate you. No matter how angry I get with you I have never hated you. I don't think I even know how to hate you, and believe me I've tried,'

'Oh you've tried to hate me? Wow, that really makes me believe that you don't,'

'Kate I don't hate you! I swear,' he was right up close to her again, only this time she was backed against a wall and she couldn't escape him 'I know you hate me and I'm not asking you not to. But I need you to know that that…that…the book, that was a mistake that I made when I was hurting, and heartbroken…and part of it happened when I was drunk even though I know that's no excuse. I couldn't even remember exactly what I'd written because I just wanted those books to be over with so that I could leave because being there with you was just too painful,'

'Wait I'm sorry…you didn't remember what you'd written? And what the hell do you mean too painful?'

'Well, I mean I knew that you remembered and it hurt enough to know that you didn't feel the same, but the fact that you were too cowardly to even come clean, god Kate that hurt more than you can even imagine. I mean why did you think I started dating again? I was heartbroken, Kate,'

'What?' What was he even talking about? Why was he doing this to her?

'Look, forget it I know you're not gonna forgive me, but I swear that's the truth. You broke my heart so I retaliated by doing something stupid, I'm not excusing myself but that's just what happened, you don't have to like it, you just needed to know it, and I'm sorry,' he pulled her to him and planted a kiss on her head and then without another word he was gone, leaving her standing frozen from the overload of information she'd just received.

Please tell me if you liked it, it would mean a lot, and if you're worried that she's just gonna forgive him-she's not, I promise