Fullmetal Parodies Chapter 4- Thanksgiving Madness
Disclaimer- The following is a non-profit fanfiction. I do not own anything.
Author's Note- This is an AU universe. Only because Gluttony mentions a few things about his grandmother.
"Elrics," Mustang said to the boy and suit of armor while he stood in front of a table. "As I'm sure you know, today is a special day. Thanksgiving."
"It's what?" Ed asked.
"It's an American holiday that people celebrate by eating as much food as possible," Al explained.
"Oh... Awesome! When do we eat?"
"I thought that because this is an honored tradition, it would be appropriate to recreate the spirit of that original momentous day."
"Yeah, whatever. Can we get to eating? I'm starving here."
"Unfortunately, its been a very long time since the first Thanksgiving, so some of the little details were lost in history."
"Are you ever gonna shut up?"
"However, thanks to the power of the internet, I was able to read a bunch of historical documents on the holiday. Strangely all of them were authored by first-graders accompanied by some of their favorite foods eaten on Thanksgiving."
Mustang showed them what he had brought. And it was a very disturbing sight.
"Severed human hands that have been colored and dressed to look like birds!"
"What!?" Al exclaimed.
"I... I don't think I'm hungry anymore," Ed said
"For once, I'm glad I can't eat food. Mustang, people didn't eat hands! They ate turkey! Little kids just drew turkeys by tracing their fingers!"
"Where did he get the hands?"
"What? Why? Turkeys look nothing like hands!"
"Because their kids! I don't know, their teachers probably told them to do it!"
"Seriously, where did he get the hands?"
"Alphonse, that's completely ridiculous! Why would a teacher tell them that? Hand-shaped turkeys? It's no wonder we literacy wars!"
"Where did he get the hands!?"
"I bet all the other historical documents are wrong too!"
"You mean the online fifth-grade historians might be wrong? You might want to fact-check. What did they say?"
"Well, one of them said Thanksgiving was the day the soul reapers taught the saiyans how to grow crops."
"No. Not at all. Thanksgiving's the day the Settlers and Natives sat down at a table and shared a harvest meal together. That's why I took the liberty of inviting our mortal enemies, the homunculi, to sit down with us today."
"Hi, sacrifices!" Gluttony said, appearing out of nowhere.
"Or just one homunculus, since only Gluttony agreed to come."
Mustang smirked. "Excellent plan, Alphonse. Invite him to dinner, and make him explode. Classic holiday gotcha!"
"That is not the Thanksgiving spirit Mustang... Or at least not until a few years later."
"No exploding? Well, this is gonna be one boring Thanksgiving."
"We all brought dishes of our cultures. Mustang brought his creepy hand things..."
"Oh my gosh!" Gluttony said. "I love those things!"
"Brother brought..." He watched Ed place a few things down on the table. "Individually wrapped snack cakes?"
"Al, you never told me why we were going to Mustang's house today. You only told me to bring some food. So I brought the first thing I found in the cabinet."
"Uh... Ok." Al placed something that looked like corn on the table. "I brought maize if anyone was wondering."
"Awesome. Whats maize?"
"Its like corn..."
"Yes!"
"But completely inedible."
"Damn it! Wait, inedible means uneatable right?"
"Yes."
"Damn it!"
"And Gluttony brought..." Gluttony placed something down on the table. It looked like a pie with a mustache. "Um... Gluttony, what is that?"
Gluttony smiled. "I brought my grandmother's famous hair pie!"
"Wait, what!?"
"My Grandmother said her hair pie, was a huge hit with the soldiers, so I knew that it would be perfect for today."
"That's not- what!?"
"When she was in college, she would give it to all the soldiers returning from war, and they loved it! It made her the most popular girl in town! She never told me the recipe though, so I had to make some guesstimates."
Mustang sighed. "Gluttony, I think me and you need to have a chat about culinary arts... And a few other things you should already know about."
"Oh great! I love talking!" Mustang pulled Gluttony into aside to explain to him how weird what he just said was.
If Al had a mouth, he would have smiled. "Look at that. Two people who want to kill each other setting aside their differences for a day. That, brother, is the true Thanksgiving spirit."
"I think I'm gonna go lie down... And then vomit," Ed said.
"Ah, another big part of Thanksgiving! Way to go, brother!"
And they heard Mustang and Gluttony talking.
"Grandma!? No!"
"And don't even get me started on the gobble gobble."
Happy thanksgiving, everyone!