He'd nearly got away with it, nearly been able to draw the discussion to a close without subjecting his own musical abilities to cold, clinical analysis... but now they were all looking at him, expecting an answer. Squall glanced around the room, trying to read the varying expressions on his friends' faces. Rinoa wore a cheeky, mischievous look, but Zell and Quistis weren't expecting this to lead anywhere. They'd known Squall longer than the others and had no knowledge of any musical inclinations their commander might have had. Quistis, as a self described "expert Squall observer", unconsciously assumed she'd have been aware of any musical talent Squall might have been able to bring to their current discussion - and if she'd known of any, she'd have spoken up as soon as Selphie first voiced the idea. Consequently, she was pretty sure this was a dead end. Still... she was enjoying the sight of Squall put on the spot and given the same grilling she and all the others had just received from him. Judging by Irvine's body language, he was carrying a sense of profound disappointment that he no longer had his arm around Selphie. In any case Squall couldn't read Irvine's facial expression in the shadow of his stetson. Selphie by contrast was the only one who displayed any real visible sign of anticipation at Squall's answer. And the question was still looming in the air. The longer he left it the more awkward it would get. No way around it. Just spit it out.
He exhaled hard, then said; "I can... play the guitar…" Rinoa and Selphie looked at each other, eyes wide and respective jaws dropped open. Not wanting them to get carried away, Squall quickly applied a caveat; "...a bit. I mean, sort of." A shocked Quistis silently mouthed "Did you know about that?" to Zell, who raised his hands slightly and shook his head in disbelief back at her. With her hands on her hips, Rinoa turned around to face Squall, wearing an expression that conveyed exactly what she was thinking. She protested; "I can't believe you didn't tell us! You were gonna let us walk outta here without saying anything, weren't you!" Squall's inner monologue couldn't resist the draw of the sarcastic; That was the plan, yeah. Thanks for dropping me in it.
Next to Rinoa, Selphie had her open mouth covered with both hands. On the first day she'd met Squall, she'd chased him around the quad in Balamb Garden trying to cajole him into helping with the Garden festival. He hadn't said a word when she'd asked him outright if he played an instrument. He'd stayed silent and kept on walking in the hope that someone else would quickly find themselves at the epicentre of Selphie's garden festival hurricane. Well, now she knew the answer to that question. They all did. Once she'd worked through the initial, overpowering rush of excitement, Selphie pointed at Squall and yelped "I knew it! I knew you had to play something! You were sizing up Irvine's hand to see if he could play the bass weren't you!" Squall exhaled again, then offered a single nod of confirmation and a defeated, despondent "Yeah."
Selphie's mad idea had been clobbered and battered from all manner of different angles. It was scratched, bruised and bleeding, and just when she thought Squall had succeeded in kicking it to death, it inhaled once again. It still lived. The idea stubbornly remained, given shape and form in Squall's mind as an imaginary stage, showcasing a theoretical, thus far entirely silent, rock 'n' roll band. Off to the far corner of that stage, Squall reluctantly added an imaginary version of himself to the scene, gaze fixed firmly on his black boots, guitar draped awkwardly over his frame. In his mind's eye, a critical voice echoed around the imaginary hall and stage as Squall rebuked himself; You absolute idiot… he thought. How the fuck did you allow yourself to get roped into this?
The giddy, sickly-sweet enthusiasm filling the room began to press down on Squall like a bad hangover. Rubbing his forehead with his left hand in an attempt to hold back a stress-induced headache, he voiced his concerns; "Look… don't get too excited." His hand parted company with his forehead as he gestured first towards Rinoa, then toward Selphie, explaining; "We've got two people who've played the guitar for a few months..." He pointed towards Zell "...someone who's never played the drums…" And finally, Squall pointed towards Irvine, continuing his summary of their situation; "...and someone who might be able to play the bass... assuming they even want to learn." Keenly aware of how eager Selphie was for this idea to get off the ground, Irvine jumped straight in and answered that before Squall could get another word in edgeways; "I do."
For a split second, Irvine had the chance to feel a little pleased with himself. He'd taken something of a risk in putting his arm around Selphie earlier, particularly in front of everyone like that; and now he started to wonder if he'd managed to ingratiate himself further into Selphie's good books by agreeing to go along with her idea at the first opportunity. That ought to… "Gmphrh!" Irvine didn't have time to finish his thought as Selphie jumped into him and momentarily crushed him in a short but forceful bear hug. She let go and returned just as quickly to the spot where she'd been bouncing up and down with excitement. The guttural sound Irvine involuntarily released when she barrelled into him raised a few smiles of amusement. Recomposing himself, he straightened his hat as he thought; I'm gonna be feelin' that tomorrow morning.
Zell was next to confirm his intentions. "Yeah count me in too." Not wanting to be blindsided by an ecstatic yellow blur, he raised his right hand into the air as he finished his sentence, inviting a high five. *SMACK* Owww….. damn... maybe I should have just let her bear-hug me…. Moving his fingers, partly to make sure they weren't broken, Zell explained his reasoning to the others; "I've wanted to learn the drums for years and this mission is the best excuse I'm ever gonna get to actually do it." With a wide grin spreading across his face and his clenched fists shaking with adrenaline, he followed up with; "This is going to be a total blast!"
Standing between a pumped-up Zell and a deflated Squall, Quistis' thoughts had turned back to the assessment of their situation Squall had offered up a few seconds ago. Selphie and Rinoa had confessed to having some level of musical ability or experience but it sounded like Zell and Irvine would be starting out as absolute beginners… well... depending on how good Irvine was with that weird one string diddley-bow thing of his. She tried to piece it all together in her mind, running back over what they'd discussed. Sounds like Zell would be behind the drum kit… Irvine's going to try the bass… and… And then it got complicated. In theory both Selphie and Rinoa could play either the keyboard or guitar, and Squall could also play the guitar. At that point it dawned on Quistis that a key piece of information was still unknown at this point. How good was Squall? Selphie and Rinoa both claimed only to have a couple of months experience with the guitar, but Squall hadn't shared his level of familiarity with the instrument. He'd just said he could play "a bit".
They'd need more detail than that if they were going to figure this thing out. "Squall..." He looked over at Quistis, with a look of resignation and dread at the direction this discussion was going. "How long have you played the guitar for?" He took a deep breath and did the math in his head, answering; "Four... four and a half years." From the other side of the table, Irvine smiled and looked up at Squall, then let loose a low cackle; "He he he… Looks like you're on guitar buddy!" Squall involuntarily raised his palm to his forehead in response to Irvine's observation. Fucking hell. Quistis exhaled long and slow, leaning back against the wall. She was still a little dumbfounded that Squall had kept the fact that he could play the guitar to himself for such a long time. Yes, he was a private person by nature, but surely she'd have clued in to the fact that he played an instrument at some point, wouldn't she? After all, this would have been all through the peak of her infatuation with Squall. She'd thought about him a lot. With the information now common knowledge to all in the room, it did seem as though she hadn't been particularly observant.
She looked over at him, mid facepalm, and shot him a look of incredulity. "Four and a half years… and you can play a bit? I know deflection when I see it Squall... particularly when you're the one doing the deflecting. I reckon you can play a lot." Underlining her sense of shock, she proceeded to throw in a further comment; "I can't believe I didn't know." As Squall's hand slowly slumped back to his side, he let out a sigh of exasperation. If he was being completely honest, Quistis' last comment annoyed him a little. He found himself thinking; What right does she have to know what I do in my own time anyway? Wearing a slight frown, he protested; "Is it so hard to believe that you wouldn't know everything about me? It's not like I shouted it from the rooftops or anything. I didn't want people to know. I never wanted to play in front of an audience or be in a band or anything like that. And if people knew, I'd just get harassed about it all the time. Particularly by…" A momentary flashback of Seifer's gunblade glinting across Squall's peripheral vision shot through his mind. "...you know who."
There was a little more to it than that though, but Squall hesitated. He'd never felt comfortable talking about himself, on the rare occasions he was compelled to, it inevitably generated feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment. He knew things were different now though, after everything that had happened. Come on… he told himself. These are your friends and the love of your life. You can just say what you think. The liberty he felt, the opportunity to genuinely be himself without a choking concern of how others would perceive him, without the looming fear of unwanted social consequences, all that was still very new. But he had to admit, among this tight-knit group, that freedom was there where it hadn't been before... and it was inherently inviting. Tentatively, cautiously, he continued; "I… I pick up the guitar when I just want to zone out and stop thinking... It's one of the few things I've found that helps me do that."
Rinoa looked at him with a reassuring smile. "It helps you relax?" Squall looked at her, considering her question, then a few seconds later replied; "Kind of... yeah." Crap… he thought to himself, is that what's at the root of it all? Escapism...? Rinoa didn't seem daunted by his answer. She followed up sympathetically; "I think I know what you mean. Music can take you off somewhere else. I guess we've all wanted to be somewhere else at some point… I know I have." Deep in thought now, he contemplated Rinoa's words. I guess she's right… There were plenty of times I shut the door, told my roommate to fuck off, and played and played and played… God… It can't just be something as stupid and childish as that… Can it? There were plenty of other vehicles available to escape reality if he'd wanted to use them; films, books, video games, drugs and alcohol to name but a few. Squall grasped frantically around his memory, looking for the behavioural pattern that drew him back to the guitar again and again. His face changed slightly as he pieced it together and the stark realisation hit him. I think… until Rinoa came along... it was the only thing that could make me feel anything close to joy.
Unable to recognise the expression Squall wore as he stared right through the meeting room wall, Rinoa softly asked; "You okay...?" The question snapped Squall's attention back to the present. He looked over at Rinoa again, answering; "Uh… yeah…" He tried to pick up the conversation where he'd left it; "I thought that if people knew I played, they'd just give me shit about it, expecting me to.. well.. I don't even know what... strum like an idiot around a campfire maybe. I didn't want it to change into something else. That release valve got me through a lot... and I didn't want to risk losing it." Rinoa squeezed his hand and smiled at him, replying "I understand" in an empathetic tone. She lent a little closer and quietly added; "You know you don't have to do this if you don't want to." Alarm spread through Squall's mind as he instinctively balked at the suggestion. There's no way I'm letting everyone down. Although he was appreciative of Rinoa's concern, he replied; "No, I'll do it…" before adding a qualifier to his answer; "...If this is the cover story we end up choosing, that is."
Irvine neatly summed up their situation with; "I'm not hearing any better ideas." Squall let out a long sigh of frustration and shook his head. "It's a ridiculous idea… and it probably won't work… but… Irvine's right… it's the best idea we've got." Selphie clasped her hands together in delight and inwardly screamed; Oh my god! We're actually gonna try this! Squall looked around the room, then asked; "Is everyone prepared to give this a go?" Nods of confirmation were received from Rinoa, Selphie, Zell and Irvine. Quistis was the only one to hesitate. A couple of seconds elapsed, then she voiced her concerns; "What about me? I don't think I'd pass for a roadie… and before any of you even think of suggesting it, I am not pretending to be a groupie." A few of the group had to stifle a laugh at that suggestion. Trying to put Quistis' mind at rest, Squall answered; "We'll think of something. Manager... sound engineer… I don't know yet but we'll work something out. We're not leaving you behind in Balamb. We need you for this mission." With her concerns at least partly allayed, reluctantly Quistis nodded, confirming her agreement with a simple "Alright."
Just as Quistis had done a minute ago, Rinoa attempted to run through the potential pairings of people and instruments in her mind - and she quickly reached the same impasse. Explaining the gap in her understanding, Rinoa said; "I'm still confused about who's going to be playing what." She looked at Squall, then at Selphie. It was Selphie who answered first; "We need to try out all the options and see what works… like we did in Fisherman's Horizon." Squall followed up; "Selphie's right. At the moment this is all theoretical. We won't know what works… or if anything works at all… until we try it out. So before we go any further with this, we need to find somewhere we can try this idea out in private." Squall was still unconvinced this would actually work and was keenly aware that it could prove to be a massive waste of time. And time mattered. The situation in Timber was currently very fragile and fast moving. They needed to know as soon as possible whether Selphie's idea stood a realistic chance of working, as they could be using up valuable time which might be better spent preparing for a different cover story or strategy.
Squall explained; "We should run this idea by someone who can give an independent view of whether it'll be a believable cover story or not. I don't wanna spend weeks on this if we can say in a couple of days that it's not going to work." Quistis turned to face Squall. "Have you got someone in mind?" As a matter of fact, he did; "Instructor White." Quistis had to think for a moment; Instructor… White? Oh… of course! She's the music teacher on the academic staff. Quistis nodded back at Squall in understanding. Come to think of it, Quistis had barely exchanged more than a few words with Instructor White in the twelve months she'd been an instructor herself. There was an operational division in the Gardens between the military and academic instructors on staff, with different reporting lines and accountabilities. Occasionally there would be crossover in certain areas where the two sets of instructors had cause to collaborate, but the two groups did remain largely independent of each other on a day-to-day basis. The other long-term student of Balamb in the group, Zell, could only claim scant knowledge of Instructor White as well. He hadn't chosen to pursue music as an academic subject, so only really knew her by sight from the occasional passing encounter in the Garden's numerous corridors.
Quistis asked; "Should we call her up here over the intercom?" Squall looked at his watch. 15:34. She'll be in the middle of teaching a class, but it'll be finished at 16:00… He shook his head, then answered; "No." He was keen to avoid attracting any kind of attention to the idea they'd been discussing, and summoning one of the academic instructors up to the bridge over the intercom would do exactly that. A different, subtler approach was required. Scratching his right forearm with his left hand, Squall said; "I'll go talk to her."
He looked around the room again at the rest of the group. They were in various states of excitement, ranging from Quistis, who exhibited a professional relief that they'd seemingly landed on a cover story that might work, all the way up to Selphie, who looked as though she might literally burst with glee at any moment. Finally… he thought ...we can get out of this room. It's like an oven in here. Indicating his intention to draw their meeting to a close, he made a suggestion to the others; "In the meantime you should go to the library, look through the music section and see if you can find anything that might help make this work." Squall looked at his watch again. "I'm not sure exactly how long I'll be, but let's all meet up again in the library at... 16:30."
With that, Squall reached for the door handle, twisted it and pulled. A gust of cool air flushed into the room from the 3rd floor atrium, refreshing everyone inside. It had gotten pretty hot in there as they'd neglected to open a window while they debated and deliberated. The outside temperature didn't help matters either. The bright summer sun had crept round the side of the garden as they'd been talking, gradually bathing the windows in more and more light, resulting in the room's temperature creeping slowly upwards. Just as he was enjoying the rush of cool air, Squall remembered; Crap, still gotta talk to Irvine. Quistis stepped out into the atrium, followed by Zell. Squall continued to hold the door as Rinoa and Selphie brushed past. As Irvine was about to make his way out of the room, Squall asked; "Irvine can I talk to you in private for a minute?" in a low, quiet tone.
Irvine was taken a little by surprise. His focus was fixed intently on a very excited Selphie who walked quickly towards the elevator ahead of the others with a spring in her step, eager to get down to the Library. He looked over at Squall, who had switched once again into official mode. Irvine nodded, thinking to himself; He's not gonna take 'no' for an answer... Through the open door, Irvine called out "I'll catch up with you guys..." to the rest of the group waiting for him. On hearing that, Quistis pressed the button for the elevator and Selphie gave a wave in Irvine's direction. The hinges squeaked slightly as Squall closed the door once again.
Looking at Squall with some apprehension, Irvine asked; "What's up?" Feeling inherently uncomfortable and avoiding direct eye contact with Irvine, Squall put a hand on his hip and answered; "There's two things I need to talk to you about." Still wearing a baffled expression, Irvine urged Squall to continue with; "Okay… shoot." Squall took a deep breath, then elaborated; "The first thing… money." Irvine's eyes narrowed a little in confusion. He wasn't expecting this. Shit… Do I owe Squall money or something? With Irvine's mind still reeling, Squall continued; "While we were out in the field... the rest of us, except Rinoa, were drawing a SeeD salary, but I think you had to get by on a G-Garden student allowance if I'm not mistaken?"
Irvine nodded; "Yeah. Didn't seem to be a problem though, you guys just bought everything we needed as we went along. I don't think I spent hardly anything in the last three months." Squall shifted his weight from one foot to the other; "Even so, it's not right that you got paid a lot less than the rest of us, despite the fact that you were just as vital to the mission… and I wanna put that right." Irvine was struggling to process this but Squall's tone was, for once, kind of reassuring. Squall continued; "As you're coming with us to Timber, I'll instruct the staff here to put you on the payroll, equivalent to SeeD rank 14." Squall paused for a second, realising he'd need to clarify something; "It doesn't mean you're a SeeD... you'd still need to pass the field exam if you wanted to become one… officially you'll be classed as a specialist contracted out to our squad for the duration of the assignment." Irvine relaxed his stance a little; adding "That's cool." This chat was going a lot better than he thought it might when Squall first raised the subject. Curiosity then got the better of Irvine, and he couldn't help asking "What does SeeD rank 14 pay?"
"12,000 gil." Squall replied in a matter-of-fact tone. Irvine returned to his earlier puzzled state. Something didn't add up here. Cautiously, he protested; "I don't wanna sound ungrateful Squall, but that seems like a pretty low salary for the kind of dangerous work we're doing here. The entry-level positions on the academic staff start at about 25,000 a year don't they?" Unfazed, Squall clarified; "Per week." Irvine's eyes widened at that information. "Per week?" God damn! That's a huge chunk of money! With a cheeky grin, Irvine glibly responded; "I withdraw my objection." Irvine hadn't known that SeeD salaries were normally calculated on weekly rates - although he had inadvertently hit on the reason why: it was dangerous work. In too many cases, an annual salary would have been a grossly optimistic prospect weighed up against the typical life expectancy of a newly qualified SeeD.
Squall continued; "...and you're owed some back-pay. I've told the payroll guys to make a payment into your account… a 'thank you' for helping to save the world." Irvine wasn't really sure what to say. This was one of the most generous things anyone had ever done for him. In fact, from a strictly financial point of view, it was definitely the most generous. And he'd not expected Squall, of all people, to be the one to do it. The only response he could muster at that point was; "Thanks, man." Squall nodded, then looked away again as he moved towards a potentially more sensitive topic. "The second thing I need to talk to you about…" Squall shifted awkwardly "...Selphie." Irvine could sense his discomfort, but Squall persisted as tactfully as he could; "I don't like to pry into other people's personal lives, but if something's happening between you two... as squad leader... I need to know."
Irvine nodded, and wondered how to even start answering that one. He didn't resent the question, he was well aware of Squall's responsibilities and the potential complications he had to grapple with. Letting Squall know that he didn't hold the question against him, Irvine said; "I get it, it's fine… just wish I could give you a clear answer." Squall was slightly puzzled by that. He looked at Irvine and asked; "How d'you mean?" Irvine scratched the back of his neck as he thought about how best to explain things as he saw them. He tried to elaborate; "Well... as far as I'm concerned... I sure hope there's something going on. That ain't a big secret. As for what she'd say… you'd have to ask her." Hands in his pockets, Irvine frowned as he pondered the nature of the relationship between them; "Sometimes I think she's keen, sometimes she holds back."
Gesturing towards the spot on the other side of the meeting room where Irvine had squeezed Selphie in an attempt to console her, Squall offered his take on what he'd observed; "She seemed pretty comfortable just now." Irvine cut a broad smile, replying; "Yeah... she did, didn't she..." as he remembered the warm feeling of his arm wrapped around her waist. As Irvine's thoughts drifted, Squall's focused on what he'd heard; Sounds like what happens next is all down to her. Sensing that there probably wasn't much point digging any further, Squall resolved to wrap this up and finally get out of this swelteringly hot meeting room, concluding; "Alright… I think we're done here..." as he reached for the doorknob and twisted it. Irvine smiled as he walked through the door. In a teasing tone, he said; "Hey, I bet you just can't wait for the inevitable guitar recital you're gonna have to put on for us now." Closing the door behind him, a disconsolate Squall could only reply; "Ugh… Don't."
They walked across the third floor atrium towards the elevator. Irvine pressed the button and they waited for a few seconds in silence as the elevator made its way back up to the third floor. The doors slid open and they stepped inside. Irvine reached for the control panel and pressed the button for the ground floor, followed by Squall who pressed the button for the second floor. "Ah, right…" Irvine said; "You're going to see that Instructor lady… I nearly forgot." Irvine's thoughts wandered back to the subject of Selphie as the doors closed. While he had Squall's undivided attention, he thought he'd better check where he stood, just to be sure he was on safe ground. As the elevator began to descend, he queried his colleague; "Squall…" Squall looked up from the floor and met Irvine's stare head on. With a hint of nervousness, Irvine asked; "As far as the mission goes… Is it a problem if something does happen with Selphie?" Squall shook his head; "No." The elevator stopped as it reached the second floor and a soft ping accompanied the sound of the doors opening once again. Before the two parted ways to their respective destinations, Squall thought it best to offer Irvine a note of caution; "But…" He stepped out of the elevator, continuing; "...if you break that girl's heart…" A few steps clear now, he turned back to face Irvine, wearing an expression that somehow managed to be both jovial and terrifying. As the elevator doors started to close, he concluded his warning; "...I'll rip yours out with my bare hands."