A/N: Hi. Thanks for the feedback, glad you like it so far guys, it means a lot! Back with next chapter, hope you enjoy reading this.
Doctor's point of view, no real whouffle in this chapter, sorry, this one is more about what went through the Doctor's head.
Side note: Did anyone see the interview with Matt at Comic Con at San Diego? When asked why he's leaving, he put his head in his hands and said: "I don't know, I don't know, I've made a mistake!"
SO DON'T MAKE THAT MISTAKE MATT, DON'T LEAVE YET, NO ONE WILL BLAME IF YOU IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND NOW!
Seriously, I'm still hoping that the BBC is cruelly teasing us and that Matt will stay in series 8, I just can't bear it that he's probably leaving.
Anyway, here's the chapter, enjoy.
The Doctor was pacing nervously around the console room. He took off his waistcoat, and his hands were sweating. He was circling around the controls, his facial features were peaceful, but inside his own head he was having a heated discussion. His eyes were flickering around the room like he was in the middle of a dream. He was trying to control the voices, and they all seemed to be conspired against him. The voices weren't of foreign origin, not to him.
He was talking with himself, as usual. Only now, he wasn't really talking, he was in the middle of a battle with his own thoughts and personalities that went rogue, now refusing to follow his ideas and commands. He started pacing faster and tried to cover his ears with his hands, hoping that would stop the noise that was driving him mad.
'Come on, do it. Let it go, it's easy.' a voice said.
'No.' the Doctor thought.
'Why not?' another voice said.
'Be silent. All of you.' he commanded.
'We ARE you. We're trying to help you.' they all replied in unison.
'This won't help, don't you see, these things never help me!' He was suddenly highly annoyed by the fact that he was 1251 years old and couldn't even control his brain. He held back the urge to slap himself.
'You're wrong, let us prove it to you. Let yourself go.' replied the first voice.
Similar scenarios kept repeating in his mind, and he couldn't seem to win.
These voices have become so loud today he could barely stay in the present. They all started out as a whisper in the back of his head, back on the soviet submarine. But gradually, they became louder and louder, becoming like a conference room full of angry politicians.
The voices had reached a crescendo and became unbearable after the Doctor and Clara spent a wonderful day at the forests of Miolnar, a day they both seemed to put aside, never mentioning it, acting like it they didn't spend the day holding hands and making each other smile. They were both confused by how much they enjoyed each others company, that it seemed easier to simply stay at square one and act like it never happened. Not that the Doctor forgot it, of course, he couldn't get his mind off it.
'Do it. You know you will, eventually. You can't hold back. Even if you try, you'll still be close to her, it's already completely natural to you, isn't it?'
"Leave me ALONE!" the Doctor shouted out loud.
'You are alone. And if you don't listen to us, you'll always be alone. Forever. And do we have to remind you what you force yourself to become when you're alone? A lifeless husk, a shell. Or even worse' they said as the Doctor remembered the Valeyard. 'So don't let that happen. Let yourself go. There's no need to hide anymore.'
They were all urging him to let his guard down.
"But it's not that simple." he whispered. His mind was a mess. His brain was tortured by the images that raced through his head: Amy and Rory smiling at him, then Clara hugging him, then the butterflies on his hands, then Clara falling to her death in Victorian London, then her grave where he promised Clara that he would find her, then River dying, then Rory dying in front of him... Random images were spinning through his head, making him feel dizzy.
He spent such a long time holding back, isolating and pushing himself away from everyone he could care about, because otherwise, it would always happen. It would always end, and he hated endings. He couldn't stand them.
He was now shouting as the voices in his head became louder.
"So if I can't stand people saying goodbye to me, why should I be allowed to even say hello to them? It's easier, can't you see? Imagine the attachment I would form if I did as you instructed. And then imagine the feeling, that debilitating, poisonous feeling you feel pulsing through your hearts as you can do nothing but OBSERVE as people, all the people around you DIE! Imagine that!" he shouted.
"And then, tell me, I dare you all, tell me again that I should let myself fall!" he screamed out in Gallifreyan, practically spitting out the last sentence.
His breaths were now quickened as he tried to calm down. He face palmed. I'm actually properly talking to myself, aren't I? He sighed.
Although he was fiercely opposed to their constant arguing that grew louder and louder, unfazed by his outburst, they did seem to have a point. He was running out of reasons to stay isolated – he had known that since Miolnar. He knew his willpower was weakening, and that he had to talk to someone about this. Someone who he could really talk to about things like these, someone who could relate to him. Someone with similar experiences. Someone who could fix this.
Then he smacked his forehead – of course!
Who else? Why didn't he think of this sooner? He knew it would be weird, but he was desperate, he needed advice from an expert.
He addressed the voices in his head: "Alright, alright. You got me. But, I'm just considering this. No decision has been made yet. Now, if you will all shut up now, I'm going for a stroll and then for a very interesting conversation."
His mind was then promptly filled with silence, as he felt his thoughts meld back into his own self, back into the complex web of his mind. He sighed in relief as he felt his sanity had been brought back. He hastily flew the TARDIS through the time vortex, and walked out of Sexy, before the voices returned. He was ready to have one of the weirdest conversations in his life.
He entered a large hall that resembled a cafe. There was at least thirty people in the room. The walls were dark, and there was barely any noise apart from the music. Everyone was very quiet.
Good.
After a minute or two of observing the men at the bar, he had found him. The only man in the universe who could talk to him about this. The Doctor walked up next to the man in the black coat who was leaning against the bar, probably thinking about something. He sat next to him, looking at his face.
He still looked young, he would always look young. However, there was a certain look in his eyes that clearly said the man wasn't young. He was old, very old. He didn't appear to notice the Doctor, but he probably did. He takes a sip of his drink exactly every 9.6 seconds, the Doctor observed. Then the man turned to face the Doctor, already knowing someone was there.
"You have a weird dress sense, pal." said the American after observing the Doctor's clothes.
The Doctor just smiled and nodded, waiting for the former time agent to recognize him, but trying to keep focused. He knew that this man could talk about anything for hours, so he had to keep focused to the matter at hand. The man observed his face and frowned slightly, dropping his cheerful demeanor.
"The look in your eyes, I remember only one man who had that look."
"Did you? Who was he?" the Doctor replied, feigning ignorance.
The man's eyebrows narrowed for a few seconds, like he was making sure of something. Then his eyes widened and his frown turned into a grin as Jack pulled the Time Lord into a bear hug.
"Doctor!"
"Ha-ha! The one and only, Jack Harkness!" the Doctor said after escaping Jack's grip.
Jack put the drink aside and was glowing that he could meet his old friend again. They immediately started talking about everything they could. They spent at least twenty minutes rambling about anything they could think of, until they got to his new regeneration.
"So, how old were you last time?"
"Well, I was 907. And now I'm 1251. So, it's really been a while."
Jack nodded. "Yeah, it has. To me as well." He gestured towards the Doctor. "New face, I see."
The Doctor nodded. "Yes, what do you think? People never actually told me do I look fine."
Jack observed him. "Well, you're alright, bit peeky, funny hair, but the chin-"
"Oh, the chin, always the chin." the Doctor interrupted him, rolling his eyes.
Jack laughed, but soon frowned.
"Doctor, what are you doing here?"
The Doctor's smile faltered. "What do you mean, I'm visiting an old friend, speaking of that, how old are you now?" he tried to direct the conversation into a different way, but Jack wouldn't back down.
"572, but that's not important. I know you good enough to know that you never really visit, Doctor. So tell me, what's wrong?"
"I never visit? Me? I-" the Doctor sighed, giving in. "Fine."
"I need to talk to someone who can help me, and to my knowledge, you're the only person that can do that." he said lamely.
Jack smirked. "If you needed someone for that kind of thing, Doctor, why didn't you just say, we can-"
The Doctor remained stern, intent on solving this problem. "That's not what I meant, Jack. You're the only man I know that has enough experience, and who has probably been in a similar situation."
Jack's face became serious as well.
"Then talk, old man, what is it?"
The Doctor sighed, preparing himself. He picked out every word carefully, knowing that he's about to tell someone what's been dormant in his head for a long time.
"Captain... I've gotten myself into a difficult situation."
"You always do, but keep going."
"You know that I travel, don't you? Travel with people. And, a while ago, I lost my closest friends, and it was my fault. Then I... retired. For about 50 years. And recently, I had been forced out of retirement, back into adventuring. And right now, I'm travelling with... someone." he said, trying to keep Clara out of this.
"Sulking for 50 years? Wow. Still, keep going."
"Not sulking, I-. Let's just stay focused. So... you know our situation, Jack, we don't grow old. We... remain. There's nothing we can do about that. Now, I don't know how you deal with this, but I run. I run and run as fast as I can, and I made that part of my rules."
"Rules?" he asked, taking a sip of his drink and waiting for the man to continue.
"Yes. Rules that protect me, and by extension, the people around me. Don't. Get. Too. Involved." he punctuated every word with a snap of his fingers.
"Don't get too close. I usually have no problem with these rules, they help, they really do. But right now, I..." He didn't know how to continue.
"Doctor, if you're gonna give me the half the story, I'm not telling you anything."
The Doctor sighed. Looks like I have to tell him.
"Okay. I met someone, and I'm travelling with that someone, and I... I can't help but start to doubt my rules. That someone made me feel... different. Like I haven't felt for a really, really long time... and I think I..." he stopped himself, trying to approach the problem in a different way. "If I give in and abandon those rules, it will end anyway, and it will be... hell."
"So, I came here to ask you something." he added.
"Then ask."
The Doctor frowned for a few seconds, trying to find the right question that would, when answered, solve this problem. His hearts started beating faster, knowing that Jack's answer would probably have a huge impact on the Doctor's future actions.
"Is it worth it?" he asked and looked Jack in the eye.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what I said. If I give in and let that person enter my life completely, knowing that they will one day perish, will it be worth it?" he said, his gaze locked onto Jack's eyes, waiting for the answer.
Jack frowned, probably understanding the Doctor's problem. Neither of them spoke for a minute, before Jack responded, talking very slowly, like he was trying to channel all of his experience into his words.
"You're right. This is how we live, we're forced to outlive everyone. That's how it works." he stopped for a few seconds, trying to find the right words. "From my experience... those rules won't help you for long. Eventually, you'll become so alone that you'll start breaking your rules subconsiously, against your own will.
I know that it hurts losing someone like that, but it will happen again eventually, there's nothing you can do about it."
The Doctor smiled sadly. He knew Jack would tell him this, and he did a small victory dance inside his head, mocking the voices he had argued with previously.
However, Jack continued.
"So my advice... is... yes. It's most definitely worth it."
The Doctor tensed. What? WHAT? He expected Jack to say completely the opposite.
"What?" he blurted out.
"It's worth it, it is."
"How?" he asked, bewildered.
"You will never forget that someone."
The Doctor scoffed. This made no sense. "And that's a good thing?"
"Yes."
"How so?"
"It's simple, you know it."
The Doctor frowned.
"Is it simple? Really? After that person fades away, everything I look at will remind me of them. Almost everything. I know, there are ways of forgetting, but I will never forget. Not really. When I look at a planet, when I hear someone talking like we used to talk, when I look at some rooms in the TARDIS, when I see a person who looks like they did... everything will remind me of them. I'll miss them too much, it doesn't matter if I lose them, or they get left behind, or they're killed or die of old age...it's just..." he sighed and buried his head in his hands.
Jack smiled warmly and put a comforting hand on the Doctor's shoulder.
"Yeah, you will miss them."
He kept talking. "But you're looking at this the wrong way. When you remember them, yes, you will be sad, you will be heartbroken."
The Doctor nodded. He knew this better than anyone.
"But you will also remember all the good times, all the time you spent together, and it will make you happy long after they're gone. You're right, everything will remind you of them, but it won't just remind you that they're gone. You will see the smile on their face again, you will hear the way they laugh again. And that beautiful feeling will be much stronger than grief of guilt, and it will always remain with you. Trust me."
The Doctor thought about it. You know, I never really thought about it this way. He snapped his eyes shut, trying to stop that train of thought. "Yes, but don't you see, it's easier if I simply don't let any of that happen!"
Jack scoffed. "Yes, it's easy. But the easiest ways are not always the best ways. If you don't do it, you will never know what could have been, or how happy you could have been."
The Doctor shook his head, trying to find a way to get out of this.
"Yes, but... but what about the fact that they are so... brief? Their life is like a dream, it's beautiful, but so very... brief. As much as I care about her, she will fade, one way or the other."
"Oh, so there's a she." Jack whistled. "Yes, it is brief, and that makes the time you spend with her even more precious, doesn't it? So don't waste it." he said. "Besides, there are ways, you know. In the future. Ways of extending human lives to more than three hundred years."
The Doctor frowned. He never really thought about that, but he knew Jack was right in a way. There are some ways, some medications or machines that could slow down the aging process significantly. He grinned at the fact that he could spend three hundred years with his Clara. He felt himself weakening, very close to letting go and doing what Jack said. He ran out of reasons to let go.
"Besides, how long have you known her?"
"About a week to her."
Jack laughed. "Just a week? What is going on with you, Doctor? If I didn't know you any better, I'd say you're becoming more and more human. She must be very special." he said.
The Doctor smiled. "She is."
Jack was thinking. After a few moments, he asked a question that had a huge importance in this, and a question the Doctor managed to completely put aside.
"And does she like you?"
The Doctor looked at Jack, suddenly scared.
"You know, I... I don't have a clue." he laughed at his own stupidity: he presumed Clara would spend her life with him, but he didn't actually even know how she felt about him.
"I really have no idea."
Jack laughed. "I've never seen you like this before, Doctor. I've seen horny teenagers that are less smitten than you."
"Yes, but-but I can't do it, it's wrong, because-" he stammered, but Jack interrupted him.
"For God's sake, Doctor! If you're so stuck up in your own ways, if you're ready to keep denying the truth, why are you even here?"
"I don't know, I really don't. I think I just needed someone to show me the way." he answered truthfully.
Jack grinned. "Then I'll show it to you. Go, old man. Go to her. Enjoy her company, and stop being so afraid of having someone you care about. If it makes you happy, do it. Understood?" he asked.
The Doctor stood up. He was defeated, he now knew that. He grinned and saluted Jack. "Understood, Captain."
"Good. Now, when you leave, don't think you got away from me for good. I think I'll be needing your help about something soon, I'll see you then, and hopefully, I'll meet your lady friend." he added, winking.
The Doctor's face immediately reddened."Ah, Jack, if that happens, can I ask a favor, if you meet her, can you not be, you know, like you usually – you know, when you..." he spoke lamely as he tried to gesture something with his hands and with his face as Jack's eyebrows travelled further and further up his forehead. The Doctor just ended up looking completely insane.
Jack broke out in a fit of laughter, and after calming himself said: "Oh, someone is already jealous, are we, Doctor? Relax, buddy, she's all yours."
The Doctor sighed in relief. "Good. Well, then. 'Til the next one, Captain."
"Yeah. Bye, Doctor."
The Doctor walked out into the bar, got into the TARDIS, and realized that he made his decision. There was no talk inside his head, as he now agreed with the voices. Nothing will stop him now. Hopefully, he wouldn't be so obvious around Clara.
Even though he had no idea how Clara actually felt about him, he thought it was worth a shot. He gleefully smiled as he put in the coordinates to the Maitlands house, ready to take Clara to their next adventure.
A/N: Hope you liked this chapter, it was a bit longer, took me quite some time. If you have any suggestions for next chapter, please let me know, all kinds of feedback are highly appreciated. I really want to know what you guys think. Anyway, until the next one, bye!