''Your love sneaks gently on my arms,
opens my heart
and leaves me cold
if you're not there
to hold me close.'' - cooliset

At first I felt cold.
I felt cold all around me. My toes were so frozen I could barely move them, my fingers as well were so frozen that I couldn't touch nor move them, if I did, at least I didn't feel much. Except the pain.
The small tingling pain when you're so frozen after a fun skiing trip or something. When your nose is so ice cold the snot almost freezes. It hurts, because it tingles unpleasantly but it also burns badly whenever you try moving them or melting them with the heat by rubbing your hands together.
I saw steam every time I exhaled and whenever I inhaled, I could feel the ice cold air slice straight through my throat and it hurt. I tried breathing in as slightly as I could.
I felt the ice cold ground underneath me, gray and sort of glittery frost had invaded the area.

I didn't see much sun nor the sky.

''Bee'' I mumbled under my breath as I tried to move. Then the aching pain hit once again, this time it wasn't my frozen body parts, but instead the wounds I had, the deep cuts that run through my body. I groaned. How unpleasant. I noticed my jacket totally ripped beside me, and that's when I realized I was no longer in a open area, but instead I had dragged myself under some sort of rock or something. A small cave perhaps?
And then the flashback came crushing in.

Starscream had taken me in his cold and cruel hands when Bee had to transform and I came flying out. He had choked me, squeezed me so tightly I could barely breathe and he had cut his fingers through my skin, leaving deep, deep cuts. I had thought it had been Bee, and had not struggled against him in any way. But after I realized it wasn't Bee, I had started kicking as hard as I could, but nothing would help.
Starscream had crashed into the wall of the deep gulley that now surrounded us. The sudden jerk loosened his grip and I started to fall as his grasp let me. I yelped when the pain hit me, his deep cut fingers shred my skin as he let his grasp loose and the numb me was let rapidly fall to the bottom of the gulley.
After falling for a few seconds, which felt more like minutes, someone grabbed me once again and this time I knew from the second the hand grasped me, who it was. It wasn't Bee, the hand was way too rough, way too worn off and way too rusty. The humming gears sound was too loud as the cogwheels screeched against each other and the hand was yet again choking and squeezing me roughly.

Then I saw Bee.

I saw the deep sadness and anger in his eyes and body language as he speeded towards Starscream, and slammed him against the wall. He said something I couldn't understand, but it seemed that Starscream could as he squeezed and squeezed, bit by bit tightening the grip.
I gasped in pain, as Starscream defended himself with the arm he was holding me, leaving Bee completely frozen, as he did not want to hurt me.
But I was fine.
He could just hit him, I didn't care, as long as Bee would survive this.
''Just-'' I gasped, when the pain hit my backbone, ''shoot him.'' I huffed, clearly stating that I was rather not being able to breathe yet alone move.
Then my eyes met with Bee's.
And then my heart sank.
His eyes, so full of sadness, hurt, as if he was on the edge of losing something very, very precious to him. So desperate, joyless and rather hopeless.

And then Starscream aimed and loaded his gun towards Bee.
''GET AWAY BEE!'' I gasped and yelled through my pain, started kicking violently Starscreams hand, shouting, hitting, kicking, raged towards his heartlessness.
And I gasped in ache, huffed and tried to exhale and inhale, yet I barely could and I gave up on breathing completely.
Then the sudden jerk, when he shot at Bee, missing him fortunately and meeting with the bottom of the gulley.

''You bastard!'' I cursed at Starscream and he noticed my existence once again.
''Ah, so you're still alive, boy?'' He looked at me in amusement, but clearly had disgust in his eyes.
''You are so much trouble for me, I should just finish you right after I've finished your little yellow friend here, right in front of your eyes.'' He smirked and grinned maliciously as he turned his head to search for the helpless yellow Autobot.

The yellow autobot that was now nowhere to be seen.

''Where did that damn thing hide off to? Coward.'' He mumbled and I glared at him.
''You are the coward here, you piece of metal junk! You are such waste in metal, we could make a dozen of nails from you!'' I breathed heavily in and yelped once again in pain when he moved his hand closer to his face, so that he could take a good look at me.
''Silent you disgusting earthling.'' He shouted at me, pissed and annoyed, ''Your little friend here ran off, so you are my joy to kill now.'' He stated laughing at me, yet I gave him such gloomy and dark glare that he stopped.

He threw me against the wall, but not with all force he had, but so that it hurt like hell yet I would not die. He knew exactly how he would torture me and as a matter of fact, I didn't care. Bee had escaped, the one I absolutely never wanted to have such face as he had while back. Never had I seen his face like that.
I dropped to the ground letting out a small whimper, miserably started to crawl towards the small hole that was on the great wall of rock. Starscream gave a laughter as I reached the hole and crawled in.
His laughter ended when he realized he could not reach me anymore, without actually putting an effort trying to brake the granite wall.

Then I heard a gunshot and then came the rumble that filled the opening I had crawled in from and I had to back up a bit as the hard rocks came in flying and hitting my sore limbs.
Then another gunshot, though I did not see anything anymore, only the darkness that surrounded me. But I heard everything, I heard the curses and shots and the metal hitting, and I heard Bee's quiet whimper.
And the battle went on and on, as my mind started to drift off, gradually losing it.

I shivered.
The one who shot must've been Bee. He had not ran away as I had hoped. He had came back, he had actually taken one on one with Starscream.
And now it was completely silent.
I tried moving my stiff arm that tried to fight back with all the sore muscles and deep wounds that reminded me of their existence.
How long had it been? Was I out for ten minutes? Hours? Days?
Probably not days, as my wounds we're still open, some still bleeding. Every bone in me ached as I grimaced and tried to move my arms, as I tried rubbing them against each other to produce some of that warmth I had completely lost.
It was so cold.

I had nothing on my upper body, except for the shirt pieces that we're now more like pieces of fabric scattered over my body. I searched around me with my gaze, as my eyes had now gotten used to the darkness. Somewhere came light, a faint, dim light, but it was from the small hole that the air entered and the light helped me see.
It gave me hope and I grasped that hope, starting to move, to act, to do something.
There was not much space to move. It was some kind of animal's den, it had just the space for me to move while lying, but for an animal like a fox, it was more than enough. The chills ran once again as my teeth clattered against each other, leaving me a little of joy from the ache and warmth that the moving generated.

I sighed.
If Bee was alive, as I from the bottom of my heart hoped so, he should need a backup. He could use a diversion, so that while I annoy Starscream, he could attack and then run away when things seemed to be on that state. I remember one time, when I had been out on a patrol with Bee, and he had said something I couldn't remember, but it had something to do with me being weak.
He had laughed at me and I had started sulking, and he had apologized, but had worryingly added,

''You are going to stick with me right?'' and I had gritted my teeth, but softly then added
''Yes Bee. I will run for your rescue if you get stuck.'' and then I had laughed softly and Bee seemed to be happy that I had lightened up, and happily accepted that answer, because his reply was,
''Please run fast then.'' And I had felt so warm inside. My heart was left pounding in the chest like crazy for the happiness he gave me with his loving reply.

But the present me was now waking up to the devastation, freezing my heart, as I realized I was on the edge of the uncertainty in the future. The loving Bee might not be there, when I get out.
He might never again turn his face towards me as I spoke.
He might never caress me, hold me or pat me.
He might never again shuffle through his channels as he searched for the right words.
He might never hold me close when I was drifting in my thoughts.

Or then he might be out there. His body might be only few hundred feet from me, I didn't know.
I couldn't possibly know.
Yet I was scared that it might be true, it might be. His blue optics blurry, broken and sad as he searched for me.
I didn't know.

Then I realized..
I might never be able to talk to him again.
I might never be able to hold his hand as he spoke of the past he felt weighed his spark.
I might never be able to laugh at his misunderstandings.
I might never be able to tell him not to Google everything off the net.
I might never be able to fall asleep to the silent hum his gears made.
I might never be able to .. To tell him that I loved him.

I needed to get out.

I started to crawl up to the dim light that was shining through the small notch from the high above. My hands and back and arms ached, my head felt heavy as did my other body parts, but I didn't need to care about that. I had an adrenaline rush as I thought of Bee being in trouble, my loving Bee that for once needed my help.
I huffed and gasped as the cold air once again sliced through my lungs,

aching and burning, coughing as I tasted the blood in my throat and I kept on going up and up and up, , yet it seemed that I would never reach the small hole that the cold air entered from. It felt that I would not be able to get to him in time, no matter how hard I tried. I just kept going and going, but nothing helped, I was weak and barely moved at all.
My muscles we're tight and as I grabbed the huge piece of rock, it started to roll down and I started to fall back to the bottom with it.

As my back hit the bottom, I cursed and whimpered in the sudden pain that doubled with the sore and sensitive wounds. I sniffed as the tears I kept holding back choked me, and the thought of never seeing Bee again left my heart cold and the burning tears came flowing down.
And then I saw that the small grumble opened the hole a bit more and it lightened me up, as I knew I would now better fit out from it.
I turned myself over and started to crawl back up to the light, fighting against the tears of sadness, the aching heart that felt like it was going to burst open with the agonizing worry and sorrow.

My arms felt heavy and with every movement they grew heavier, with every grab they turned into steel and started to weigh me down even more.
And it was so cold.
I knew I had lost the upper fabric that I had had on with me this morning when I had happily entered the garage. I knew my wounds we're still bleeding and my blood loss would be quite severe, and I might have to go to the hospital.
But none of that mattered.
I just needed to get out, I needed to know if Bee was okay, if the one I loved the most, cared for, longed for, if the one that I would die for was okay.
Whether he was alive, breathing and unharmed.

For a second, I felt like this was all a bad nightmare, one of the horrible nightmares I had been seeing recently, but this was more than the nightmares I had seen all together.
None of the dreams had been this sad, nor this painful. They we're usually dark, gloomy flashbacks of the incidents happened before, like Bee getting captured by S7, Optimus dying, Bee almost getting slaughtered by those shitty decepticons just because of the fucking bastard Dylan Gouldiin that told them 'No hostages'.
I mean what kind of guy would tell decepticons that? Of course they we're going to get killed, slaughtered brutally! What an idiot!

But no, this was not a nightmare, because if it was, I would have woken up already. I would have woken up to the fall, let alone Starscream choking me, but the least I would have woken up to was the face Bee had made. For sure if this had been a nightmare, I would not have tolerated that kind of face, I would have woken up with a yell, sweat and terror, because I did not wish that kind of expression on anyone.
Yet alone Bee.
It cut my heart and was the biggest pain I had ever felt.
Why would he look at me with such eyes?

It pained me, hurt me, gave me discomfort.
It ate my heart off, left my mind blank and in anguish.
How could I let him down like that.
How could I give him such pain.
How could I ever face him again, without his hum the gears made making me cry.
How could I ever look him in the eyes.
And the tears I had kept came flowing once again.

I had let everyone down. Why was I so selfish? Even now I was just thinking about myself when the love of my life, my best friend was off getting killed?
I didn't have much to give Bee, I couldn't offer him the necessities he needed, I couldn't unite with his spark, all I could do was make sure he was safe. I could give him my scarred heart, all my loving, remains of my dreams, I had nothing else to offer, but that I would give him. That I could offer him.

I was merely a human.

Bee was an autobot, he had lived over thousands of years, and after I died, he would live another thousand.

I was merely a human.

I would refer myself as a pet to him, as that was all I could see myself in his eyes. After I would die, he would, maybe, be sad about it for few days. Maybe few weeks, but he had seen friends die, and I wasn't his friend. I was completely different species. I was fragile, organic and small.

I was merely a human.

But to me, that didn't change a thing. I still loved Bee the most, only recently finding out my feelings, becoming too fully aware of them.
Now I was stuck, without being able to help the friend in need, as he was a friend indeed.
If I had the power to punch myself I would. But I didn't have any of my strength left, all of it went to my hands and legs that tried so desperately climb off of that dark place to the friend that needed the help.
He needed me, yet I wasn't there for him.
I was such bastard myself. I was worse than any decepticon, than any Dylan, than any Sentinal or Megatron.
I was the worst of them all.

Then I finally reached the top, the hole that the light came from, only realizing that the hole had looked so much bigger from down there. Now that I had actually reached it, I could barely put my hand through it.
''Shit!'' I punched the hole and started to dig it, I desperately threw the rocks, moved anything that I could get my hands on to.
''Bee.'' I whimpered and get on going. Every muscle, every wound, every bone in me burned and ached along with my throbbing heart. I could no longer bear the pain, the heavy arms flopped from the sides of my head and I gasped for the cold air, huffed and sneezed and let my arms rest for a minute before continuing fiercely.

I know my heart is persistent.
Bee had once played me this weird song, which lyrics went something along the lines
'- There's a light in you, a night in you - You have a persistent heart that beats - tirelessly sparks to the wind - to lighten up the dark road '

I remembered that song, because he played it on and on as I didn't understand the lyrics but the lyrics we're actually really catchy - so I had sang along the lines after a few replays, and then he had translated the song for me. I was surprised but glad. He seemed to be interested in different cultures, as he had played for me Japanese, Spanish, Danish, Norwegian and Finnish songs, but this particular song had stuck in me, and Bee had told me that it was Finnish, a small country in Europe, which had long cold winters and they referred their persistence in one word 'guts'. Though, in Finnish it apparently had a lot deeper and stronger meaning, but the song had stuck in me, and he had played it for me many times before. The Japanese songs lightened me up, let alone the crazy Spanish songs that I struggled to even sing along, for they had 'Rrrrio'! - sorta feeling, but the Finnish song, which I could hardly pronounce had its way within me.

Now I thought about Bee and those lyrics as I got a new strength and started to tirelessly dig my way out of the hole. I started to think more deeply on the 'guts' -quote as I dug the ground with my sore hands that were going numb from the sharp rocks that scratched and shred my skin, and the cold breeze freezing and numbing my hands.
Also the temperature had gone down quite a lot and it was at least three times colder than it was in the morning.
I shivered vigorously and I heard my teeth clattering against each other and I saw steam rising up whenever I exhaled.
But I kept on digging.

Then I finally got the hole big enough to crawl out of the dark gulch I had been trapped into. Then I realized just how long up I had been crawling and also was left devastated and speechless towards the area, which now reminded me of a nuclear testing military area. The whole place was just.. Black! Black from the charcoal that was obviously left from the shooting, but that it was actually a bit on fire too, and the thing that worried me the most, was there was so much pieces of metal left behind.

Just what on earthhad happened here?

Also the thing that I heard absolutely nothing, only the humming sound the wind made and the quiet crackle that came from the logs burning softly.
I was at a loss of words.
I weakly stumbled up and tried leaning on the rock pile that had created from Starscream's shot, but as it was loose rock, it started to fall down, slowly and traitorously rolled and I noticed it only barely and flinched when the huge rock actually hit me, but nonetheless I was about to get down anyway, so a small speedup didn't matter.
I tried climbing down the rock pile as quietly and softly as I possibly could, but there we're a few grumbles, which once hit my leg so badly I had staggered and fell down and whimpered quietly.

If only Bee was here..

But I couldn't rely on Bee the whole time. Bee had his problems and Sam wasn't priority number 1 on his list right now, as I shouldn't even be.
He should just kill that damn Starscream and I would then kiss his wounds better..
..Okay, that sounded a bit too weird, even for my thoughts that were completely insane. Loving an autobot.
What a mess.

I have become way too conscious about these feelings I have for the yellow autobot, and sure as hell I couldn't possibly tell him about my feelings.
First of all, the love between us wouldn't be possible - he's an autobot, 17 and half feet tall pile of metal and feelings and love, and then there was me, a fragile, organic Sam. That Sam who's gonna die way sooner than my best friend/secret love, and he was going to have to live with that for the next decades. Of course he was not going to remember me nor pay too much attention to the fact that I was just simply not by his side anymore.

I finally reached the ground and the shaky pile-running was now finally over. I still felt few of my wounds bleed, and the sun that was so high up it didn't warm me at all, the beach-like heating sun had became a cold and distance piece of sky, and it felt like it did not want any interaction with healing my body with it's warmth.

I sighed.

It was not a sigh of relief nor sadness, but more like a sigh of weakness. My body had by now gone totally numb, my lips were blue and my teeth were clattering and I had to rub my arms as I kept moving to increase the blood rush in my body to heat me up a bit more.
And then I started to run, I ran towards the most awful traces of the battle that had continued, it seemed, for quite a while. I saw pieces of yellow, but also blue and red, as well as black and gray.
More decepticons? Or had Optimus Prime actually found them and rescued Bee from the terrible decepticons hands?
Dear Primus, I hope Optimus didn't lose his hand or something, I really wish I won't see any bigger, or actually whole body parts lying around.
For that, my heart lightened up a bit, and the adrenaline rush I had just awhile ago, seemed to slow down.
I breathed heavily and my feet staggered and I struggled to stay on my feet. I took one step at a time, gazing around dumbly, not actually really seeing anything anymore.

Bee was fine. I kept telling myself and took a step forth,
Bee's going to be okay. I kept saying and took another step forth,
Bee survived. I reassured myself, as I staggered one step back,
Bee lives. I laughed and took two steps forth,
Bee is fine.I staggered,

and then the darkness and cold surrounded me, as I fell on to cold, hard ground that caught me not so softly. I curled up to myself, trying to refrain the little left warmth I had. It was so unbearably cold, I thought I was going to freeze and then someone would melt me after few thousand years.
Maybe it would be Bee, I laughed softly and then closed my eyes.
I stayed completely still, still dimly aware of my surroundings.

''He's here - ! '' I heard someone shout.
''Oh dear Primus, is he dead - ?'' I heard the noise come closer.
''Bee don't - !''

A sad whimper, I immediately identified as Bee. I felt like laughing in relief, if my mouth had just listened to my command, yet it didn't function as I wanted it to.
''He is not dead, his heart is beating lightly, but is - '' I heard Ratchet reasoning.

Another sad whimper and metal hit metal as I think Ironhide stopped Bee from coming over to me.

''It's fine Bee, he's going to be fine, you did good - '' I heard Ratchet's voice again as I tried opening my eyes.

I still heard Bee's panicking gears going overload and his whimpers and cries as he tried to push through Ironhide.

''Bee don't - ''

More uproar my ears couldn't detect correctly.

''He's going to survive, he's having a hypothermia - ''

I felt like smiling. Why we're they all so worried? Bee had survived, that's all they should worry.

''Why is he not having his upper - ''
''Starscream had - ''
''He's having a sever blood loss - ''
''Quick a helicopter - ''
''I could - ''
''Look at his head - ''
''His hands, dear Primus what - ''
''Look at those deep cuts, that bastard - '' I felt something warm and gentle slightly touch my head, and then I felt pressure on my lower hip
''Someone come push this - ''
''The bleeding, oh my dear Primus - ''
''Ratchet - ''
And then Bee's yet another whimper.

I wanted to hold him, tell him thing's we're going to be alright, he had survived, I wanted to reassure that now panicking autobot that seemed so sad.
I wanted to hold him, caress his chest as he would hum silently. I tried smiling and tried opening my eyes, yet my body wouldn't function properly, it would not do what I told it to do.
I parted my lips just slightly, and uttered noiselessly,

''Bee''

and then gradually drifted in the darkness.

Song: Juha Tapio – Sitkeä Sydän (''Persistent heart'')

I struggled with this chapter, as I feel I didn't get out all of the feelings I wanted in the words, as English is not my native language..

But nevertheless I hope you enjoyed it. :)