Chapter Four
I woke up in a stir. Everything had gone black, but my mind was working, churning every thought and moment I had seen in the last year…It came back.
Lynne. She had left me.
Edward had loved me
And left me.
Finn had died because of me.
I was in the car with the very man who had ripped out my heart and placed it on a silver platter.
I woke up in the seat, still strapped in, but speeding down the freeway at nearly one hundred miles an hour.
"You…" I tried to sum together a sentence. But the emotions were surging. I let them flow.
"You left me. I was distraught because of you. I DIED because of you. WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME??" I screamed with as much possible persuasion as I could muster. I needed to get out of this car. I remember his driving. Even behind the blindfold of last time, I had known he was speeding beyond any limit.
He pulled over as I started crying and shaking. He turned his perfect face towards mine, "Bella, calm down. I'm bringing us somewhere where I thought I could help you remember." He paused, and placed his hands on either side of my face in attempt to quiet me. His hands were ice cold, and sent shivers through my body. I remembered his touch, so cold, so electric. And then he started again, "Can you trust me?"
How I wanted to say yes. But in truth, I couldn't. I wanted to, so badly. But he had left me, and I didn't know how I could possibly trust he wouldn't leave me again, within the blink of an eye.
"I…don't…know if…I can…Edward." I looked up at him, having put my head down from crying. His face was hurt, and he looked as if I had disappointed him. Or he had disappointed me. Oh, how I wanted to trust him, but I didn't know if I could. I truly didn't.
"Please take me home." I cried some more.
We drove from there in silence, back towards Forks. While I was unconscious, he had made it all the way to Seattle, and so now I had to endure the ride back. Every so often, I would release a tear or two, but I composed myself the best I could in the given situation.
We arrived back at my house about 20 minutes later, due to his rapid driving. Charlie was home, I could tell from the lights on at home. My truck stood next to the cruiser, like I had driven myself home. I just then realized, I had missed the entire day of school. Edward must have stopped for something along the way, seeing our driving time had only added up to about an hour. I didn't even want to know, and it would bring up unhappy conversation. (A/n: He went on a brief hunting trip, leaving Bella in the car wtf was he thinking?, because her smell was too overwhelming. He ran FAR away and did some conscious hunting. Good thing she didn't ask)
Edward pulled into our driveway, and turned off the car. He stared at the steering wheel, and spoke up to me, "Bella, before you go, can I do one more thing?"
Depends on what it is. "Depends on what it is." I had to justify. He couldn't have me forgive him. I forgave, but I didn't forget. Forgetting was saying something never happened, and that was just lying to yourself.
"You won't mind this." He paused again, "I just need this to close the part of my heart, the most predominant part, the part that is you."
Oh, why couldn't I forgive him?
He took my face back in his hands, and pulled it real close. His lips were then on mine, hard with passion, close with the same stance as I now remembered. The last year, I wanted nothing more than this. But now it was too much. It took everything I had, but I had to push him away. He couldn't pull me into his trap. Not again. I slid out of the kiss, and stared back at him.
"I closed the part of my heart, the most predominant part, the part that is you, a long time ago. I can't do this to myself, I can't get involved again."
I then picked myself out of the car and ran into the house. He wanted me back, but I wasn't sure if I could trust him back into my life.
You want back
What we had
But we had it
And lost it
So what should we do now?
If we lost it
We can't find it
It was lost for a reason
And reasons reason again
So what should we do now?
Past is past
That's what we are too
And as much as we both want
I can't run back to you
It wasn't a song, but a poem. As a moving gift, Renee had taken some rose petals from our "garden" and crafted them onto a blank book, so the cover looked like a bunch of fallen pink rose petals. The first page held Finn's song, you found that a lot throughout my things, his unfinished song, and then there was a page of Shakespeare quotes, mostly about love and life. This is what I had done on the plane, just written my thoughts out as poetry into the book. Some were trite poems, off of spontaneous inspiration, while others were deep, and often accompanied by tears. I still had a bunch of pages to fill, and believe me, now it wouldn't be as hard.
That night I cried myself to sleep, pulling the covers over my cold body. Oh, how I hated the cold. I missed the sun on my back, my face, my feet. I missed Phoenix, but there was nothing there for me. No friends, Renee was traveling around with Phil for baseball. There was empty house to my mother's name, and nothing else. A room with nothing in it, except some summer clothes, too warm for the rain-pit I was in here. That's what was left for me in Phoenix.
The next day I really didn't want to go to school, with my newfound memories. It would be too hard not to compare my two lives together. Plus I had skipped yesterday, and that wouldn't face well with my teachers. Maybe I should just play the sick card. Either one. Say I was sick today, or that I had gotten sick yesterday. I decided if anyone asked, I would say that I got sick in my car and didn't think that the school would mind if I went home. And they wouldn't. I had a feeling that no one would really mind that I had missed all my classes the other day.
I got ready in normal fashion and stalked off into my car. The hood was wet from the previous day's downpour, and it smelled musty. But the smell was welcoming because it fit with my mood. It was a little sunny today, and the rain was starting to dry, gratefully.
I drove into school and there were flocks of students everywhere. I didn't know that Forks held this many kids. Probably since it was "sunny" (but nothing compared to Phoenix) people didn't feel the need to stay inside all day. I quickly scanned the parking lot for a certain car, to no avail, for it wasn't there.
They must not have arrived yet.
So, I picked up my books and worked all the way to my English class, where my teacher was there, unlike yesterday.
The morning passed without any major events. Jessica easily accosted me on the way to lunch, to have me sit with her. I had a feeling that her friendliness was due to the fact that I had people swarming me because I was new. But I simply went along with it for the minute, she wasn't causing me any trouble…yet.
The cafeteria was in uproar, but that was normal. I looked around and then found their table. It was noticeable because it was in the most secluded corner…and it was empty. So much for them being here today.
No one dared to sit at the Cullen's table; it was if they had staked their claim there. All of the people evaded that spot, as if it had a stench. It did have a stench, but one more glorious and more wonderful than anything on this Earth. A stench of remembering. The fountain of memory. How cliché.
I ate lunch and walked off to Biology, not really caring about what happened in that day from then on. My lab partner still hadn't shown up for all I knew, I could be working alone the rest of the year. To make the situation more evident, today was a lab day, we were doing a simple lactose s. lactase lab. Fairly simplistic and something I had done a few years back in middle school. Having no partner was a slight hindrance, but I managed.
I drudged through the end of the day. Since he wasn't there, nothing mattered. I knew I had planned to exclude him from my life, but now, knowing, it was too hard.
I sat in my truck and turned up the radio. Just perfecty to match my mood, guess what song started:
Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
Had a bad day
I'd had a bad day, I was taking one down.
I was crying.
I pulled into the driveway and trudged into the house. Only the door of my room could mask my tears, so I ran upstairs and intomy room. I was about to jump onto my bed, wailing, when I realized the bouquet of roses nestled on my pillow. They were of different colors, including purple and blue. (A/n: if you have a problem with the roses being different colors, don't tell me, I'm not changing it. And if you wonder how they're funky colors, go see your science teacher. Don't mess with my symbolism. This is all fueled by my secondary beta who started me on this. Blame her. She didn't like the purple roses.)
With it was a note.
Dearest Bella,
Each rose here symbolizes what you are to me. Blue for loyalty, because I am loyal to you. A pale yellow rose, for freshness, newness, meaning, can we start again, over? Of course a pink rose, for love. There is a purple rose, lavender if you will, for romance and nostalgia. Remember Bella, remember our times together, however short they were. They were the best times I've ever had.
With all the love one heart can hole and more,
Edward.
He loved me. That's all I needed to know.