"Hey girl, that performance was amazing! I hope you'll get big one day, then I can say, I saw her very first performance." With a laugh and a slap on my back the stranger goes away. The tenth guy tonight. I sit at the bar and stare at my fourth beer. I feel weird. I had the awkward feeling of her presence during my performance, but I couldn't see her, there were too many people. Oh and yeah right, she wasn't there obviously, cause she doesn't want to see me. I lay my head down on the counter. "I'm seriously considering to hire you a few more times, but if you're always that miserable after a performance I really need to rethink my plan." I look up to a smiling Stiles who dries a glass while glaring at me. I frown at him and lay my head back down. "He's right Karma, don't make such a long face, you were amazing." Paula normally gets me and I can always talk to her, but today I really don't feel like anybody's company. I growl and try to sign them to shut up, but they just ignore it. "Hey look darling, if you're not happy with your performance, we can give you tough love if you want, or we could try and make you laugh or something?" She's so sweet when she tries to cheer me up, just like in college when I had a break down because of .. her. She was my room mate back then and helped me through the toughest time of my life. We really bonded over helping each other. "That's really sweet of you guys, but I really just want to sit here and get drunk and try to get along with my pathetic life." I look up, just to take a sip of my beer and see their concerned looks on their faces. "Seriously Karma, what's wrong? Everything was how you imagined." I look at her with a raised eyebrow. "You know I wanted to be famous by this time. And I told you I met Amy yesterday. She's successful and I'm a big fat loser." I let my head fall on the counter again and groan in disappointment of myself. "You're not a loser, and what if she's successful, you're going to be famous one day, and rich and you'll have a huge mansion and a beautiful husband and.." I interrupt her. "You know I don't want a husband, I'm not capable of love. And I dreamed to be famous with her by my side." I know exactly that she frowns at me right now. "We both know that you are capable of love and that that's one of your biggest issues. And please stop talking about her, you're so in pain when you do." "I just wish she would've been here tonight, I would've loved to see her face and to be with her." After I don't get an answer to my statement, I look up again to catch Stiles and Paula look at each other suspicious and shy. When they see me looking, they look caught and start to blush. "Guys? What's going on here? What aren't you telling me?" They both look at each other for the others support but no one speaks for a minute or so. Paula is the first to talk. "Well we actually didn't want to tell you, but to be honest, I saw her here. She's been here Karma, and she listened to your performance." I look at her is disbelieve with my eyes and mouth wide open. "Are you sure it was her? Like seriously? I mean you never saw her in real life, it could have been someone who looks like her. How did she look like, can you explain?" "Whoa Karma, chill." Paula throws her hands up in defence. "Yes, I'm sure it was her, pretty sure, you described her to me with every detail in freshman year, remember? And I saw the pictures on your phone, I'm sure it was her." I try to think but I can't and the next question just blurts out. "How did she react to my song choice and especially to the last song?" Paula starts smiling and my body releases some tension. "Look, she was smiling through the whole performance, well not the part when you started to cry, but other than that she seemed pretty happy to be there and to hear you sing." I let out a deep breathe. "Did she notice you looking at her?" She chuckled a bit and answered. "Well I stared at her confused, because I couldn't believe she was there, it felt like royalty was present." I chuckled along with her. "But yes, one time she looked directly at me, and I just couldn't look away. Bet she thinks I'm a complete creep, but who cares." She looks at Stiles and I follow her gaze. He stands behind the counter with a mischievous smile on his lips. They exchange this weird look and I look confused from one to the other. "There is this look again. Can you please explain what's going on?" I ask hopefully. "Well there was this young, somehow familiar woman on the bar, who asked me to pass you this note." He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and hands it to me with a knowing smile. What's going on? Who's this note from? I take the piece of paper with a frown and open it. I recognize the handwriting instantly and my eyes widen. This can't be real.
Dear Karma
It was really nice seeing you perform again, you were amazing.
This is really something you should do for a living. I kept my promise
from back then and I'm happy that I did. I felt like I owed it to you after
everything that happened. I wasn't sure you wanted to see me, so I left
right after your last song. I might have a few questions considering your
performance, though. So if you don't mind please contact me. But do it
as soon as you can, because I'll be leaving for LA on Monday.
Amy
After her name, there is her cell phone number. I reread the note again and again until Paula starts to speak right next to my ear and made me jump. "That sounds awesome, doesn't it?" There is something wrong with this note. I'm sure this note is from her, no doubt, but if she was happy with my performance, she would've written something else. "I don't know" I say with a frown. "This sounds like a passive aggressive Amy." Stiles and Paula look at me in disbelieve. "You're kidding, right? She's basically asking you out!" I frown even more. "No, she's asking me to explain myself. When I agree to meet her, I have to confess that I had feelings for her back." Stiles and Paula both raise an eyebrow at me. "Yeah, right .. had" they said in unison. I drown my beer and ask for another one. "You sure? I think you had enough, little one." Stiles said while handing me another beer. "If you think I head enough, then why are you giving me more alcohol?" I ask with a smile on my face. "Because you're a grown up woman and I think you know your alcohol consume better than me." He turns around and starts working again. Okey, I need time to think. Would it be good to meet her, after that performance? There are old feelings creeping up again, I can feel it, is it a good idea to feed them? If I meet her and tell her about those feelings, will she be pissed or pleased? Or worse, would she not care? As I sit there fumbling with my glass of beer, I hear Paula talk again. "Look, I know what you're thinking, you're scared how she'll react when you tell her about your old feelings, but be realistic. It's so long ago, she says she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, she dated a few people after you, girls and guys. So don't you think she would handle it in a mature way?" I stare at my beer and speak my thoughts out loud. "But what if I can't handle it in a mature way? If she doesn't care that I had feelings for her back then, I'm sure I will break down in front of her. Because that means, that there is literally no chance for us in any way." "And that's a bad thing because …?" Paula asks confused, looking for some sense in my thoughts. "Because I want her to still have feelings for me." Because deep down I still have feelings for her, but I'm too fucking scared of rejection that I can't tell anybody! "You're kidding me right? Oh Karma, poor poor Karma." It's like she heard my thoughts she hugs me from the side and pets my head. "I hate to see you heartbroken." I almost start to cry when I feel my phone buzzing in my pocket. I pull it out and Paula releases me from her grip. It's Shane.
"Hey darling," he says enthusiastic. "How was your show? Such a bummer I couldn't be there."
"It was great, Stiles considers hiring me again, so maybe on day I'll be famous after all." I say with fake enthusiasm.
"Really? That's amazing! So I'll see you perform the next time! What did you sing?"
"Oh nothing special, a few old songs and two originals" I hope he doesn't ask which originals.
"And the people liked the old cover songs? Ew, I like your originals more." He says with disgust in his voice. "Did anything special happen? Some drama? And how was the meeting with Amy?"
"Oh, I didn't meet with Amy after all. I had to work as you might remember. And did anything special happen?" I look at Paula for help. She whispers "Don't tell him, he'll talk you out of it." But maybe he would be right, I mean, I', still not sure if I should meet her. Paula is right, I shouldn't be influenced by him. "No nothing special, some guys were asking for my number, so the usual pub routine."
"Did you finally get yourself a man, or did you reject all of them as always?"
"You guessed right, I don't want some guy who tries to get the barkeeper."
"Tonight you weren't the barkeeper, tonight you were the music entertainment. You should be flattered that people want to meet you." Yeah right, I roll my eyes.
"I have to go now, I'm pretty tired and I think I had a drink too much."
"Drinking while working? Karma, you learn from me after all, I'm so proud" His voice is dripping with sarcasm and I can't help but smile.
"Bye Shane, see you on Sunday."
"Bye my dear, have fun until then."
"So you're calling her?" Paula asks with hope in her eyes. "Maybe, maybe not. I'm seriously unsure." I drown my beer and stand up. "But I wasn't kidding when I said I had still something to do, so I'm going home now." Paula winks at me and hugs me goodbye. "You know you want to see her." She whispers during the hug. She's right, I do want to see her so bad, but What if everything goes wrong then? I wave at Stiles and he shouts "You'll get the weekend off, Karma!" And I blow him a kiss as a thank you. While I head home I realize that I'm really drunk. I drowned 5 beers in like an hour, maybe that was a bit too much. Okey, maybe I'm not drunk but I'm tipsy after all. Who am I kidding? I'm wasted, I normally don't drink at all. But alcohol makes me confident and I decide to call her when I'm home.
When I arrive at Lauren's place she looks at me confused. "It's pretty late my dear, I thought you wanted to do some research?" She was watching a rerun of Lie to me, her favourite TV show. "That's what I did, I went to the old quarter and noted a few things. I think my next book will play in Austin." She looks to the screen of her TV again and asks "So you're going to be here much longer and I have to take care of you?" I roll my eyes annoyed, why does every one think I need to be taken care of? "No, I'm leaving on Monday, I booked the flight today." She looks at me again. "When were you going to tell me that? I mean I have a right to know, right?" I sit down next to her and grab the popcorn. Salty, ew, but I'm so hungry, that I really don't care. "I thought I was just staying here and you're not interested in the stuff you do." "Yes, that's right, but I still want to know when you're leaving, that's important." I smile, I know she cares for me, she just hates to admit it. "So how was the research, found anything interesting?" Her eyes are on the screen again. "I hate talking during the show, could we please watch in silence?" I haven't changed about that, I really hate when people do that. "It's just a rerun, Amy. We've both seen this episode already." I pout, but answer her question. "Fine. I found some nice landscapes that would fit in my story, I think I'm going to use them." I have really no idea what landscapes I'm talking about, I mean I've not been to the old quarter of this city in so long, the last time I've been there with Karma and her parents. "Oh, cool. That sounds interesting" she says sarcastically, but I don't mind, I'm not really into this old stuff, too. We sat there in silence for the rest of the episode and I replay the performance in my head. I still don't get the hang of her song choice. And I clearly heard the "her" in her last song. She wrote a love song about a blonde girl with green eyes. I'm blonde. I have green eyes. And the last time I checked I was a girl. Is the song about me? And as on cue, my phone starts ringing with the theme song of Pretty Little Liars. I don't know the number, maybe it's her already.
"Hello?"
"Heey, Amy!" She sounds drunk, oh please don't let her be drunk. "I've got your note, and I'm so happy that you've been there. I just hoped you would have stayed longer."
I walk into the guest room, so that Lauren isn't bothered and of course doesn't know it's her. "Hello Karma, I'm sorry I left, but I really couldn't stay."
"Oh you're lying to me. You could've, but you didn't want you. And I don't blame you for that. I wouldn't want to meet me either if I was you." She's definitely drunk.
"No Karma, that's not true and you know it."
I heard her whisper something to herself but I couldn't make out what. I only heard the words "Yeah", "definitely" and "sex" which confused me a lot.
"Look Karma, I really want to talk to you about something, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to do it on the phone. Especially not when you're drunk."
"Whaaat? I'm not drunk! Who told you thaat?"
"Nobody had to tell me, so can we meet tomorrow? Or do you have to work again?"
"No I have the weekend off, because my performance was outstanding." She said the last word in a British accent as if she tried to mimic the Queen or something.
"Great, so how about brunch?"
She chuckles on the other line. "Brunch is such a couple thing to do"
I roll my eyes annoyed. "Meet me tomorrow at 11am at the café, you know which one." I say and hang up.
I walk into the living area where Lauren still watches Lie to me and tell her I'm going to bed. Without any questions with who I talked She said good night and I went to sleep.
The Next morning was weird. Lauren didn't stop asking me who I was meeting, she knew exactly the answer, but just wanted to hear me say it. I was too annoyed and too tired to play her game and finally just said "Karma. I'm meeting Karma, what are you gonna do about it?" She crosses her arms in front of me and just says "I'm not going to do anything but remind you that there is some body who's not gonna be happy if he hears about that." I shake my head and head out the door, but not without adding "go on and tell him, I don't mind. He trusts me, and why shouldn't he?" And I'm out the door.
When I arrive at the café, she's already sitting in our usual booth, tapping her fingers nervously on the table. She looks to the door and back to her fingers while biting her lip. When she sees me, she jumps up with a big smile on her face, and waves at me energetically. She wears a black skirt, a pink blouse and a denim jacket. She looks great as always with her hair falling in her face. I sigh and walk in her direction. "Hey Amy, look I'm so sorry about yesterday, I usually don't drink, but I just felt so weird and .." I cut her off before she starts rambling even more. "It's fine Karma, I'm just happy that you remembered to meet me." Her face lightens up as I say the word "happy". Maybe it was a mistake to meet her here, but no take backs now. We sit down and a waiter comes to us to take our order. "Oh my god, Amy! I haven't seen you in years, how are you?" It's Tommy, Lauren's ex boyfriend. "I'm fine, thank you. So you work here now?" I ask politely. "Yeah, it's a great place. So what can I do for you guys?" Karma orders the pancake plate as always and I decide to join her on it. The smile on her face returns as I do. After we order there is an awkward silence and I try to find the right words to break it. I see her searching through the room to find a topic. After our pancakes arrived and I sigh to start the conversation she bursts out "isn't it weird how we say cheese burger and it's a patty with cheese on top and a chicken burger is a patty out of chicken?" I glance at her confused. "What?" She looks a bit relieved. "It's just that a cheese burger has a patty out of beef and cheese on top of it." "Yeah, so?" "Well a chicken burger has a patty made out of chicken, so why doesn't the cheese burger have a patty out of cheese?" I smile at her, that's a good question actually. She always finds ways to break the ice in some way. I shake my head. "Look Karma, about your performance," "please don't tell me you didn't like it, every one else did. Even Paula." I frown "Who's Paula? Anyways, look, I'm confused about your song choice, why do you feel nostalgic in the last few days and then you play only love songs." She looks at me for a long second and lets out a breath. "Well after I met you, I couldn't get you out of my head and I decided to dedicate the performance to you, I never thought you would actually see it." So does this mean she really had feelings for me back then when she broke my heart? "I don't get it. Back then you said you didn't love me in that way. And you last song, who is the person you sing about." Her look gets very serious and her eyes darken a bit. "The song is about you, I wrote it in senior year. I know what I said to you back then and I thought it was the truth. I really did, but it turns out that you were right all along. I tried to hide my feelings, but they pushed their way up until I couldn't drown them anymore." Wow, where did THAT sudden boost of confidence come from? My mouth dropped open and I couldn't close it for a solid two minutes. "I couldn't handle my feelings, Amy. They weren't supposed to be there. So I tried to get over you, but that didn't work until sophmore year in college. And my room mate Paula helped me with that." A sudden heat broke through my body and it fills up with anger. Am I really jealous? I try to hide my feelings. "So this Paula girl is your …?" She knits her eyebrows. "What? No. She was the person I told everything about my feelings. Well she is bi, but that doesn't mean anything." The tension leaves my body again. Why am I so relieved that she isn't dating .. Paula? I don't have feelings for her, right? "So why did you play the love songs yesterday Karma? It doesn't make sense to me." I get somehow impatient. "You know how when you see some one from high school you get the old feelings for the person? Well yeah, that kinda happened to me. I really can't stop thinking about you and also singing about you." Damn it, that makes everything so much more complicated than it already is. I start to smile. "I saw you played with that guitar I got you back then. Does is still have .." "The dedication? Of course, I read it out loud when I feel down. It's the best way to cheer me up." She smiles foolishly looking down at her pancakes. She ate almost all of them while I barely touched mine. I'm somehow not really hungry anymore. There is this sudden feeling of guilt in my body that eats all the hunger. "Enough talking of feelings" I say. "Let's talk about you life." She looks at me. She looks so cute when she doesn't know what to say. "I reckon you studied music in the state university. Did you like it?" She frowned. "Did you like studying English Literature at the NYU?" I raise an eyebrow at her. "What are you doing Karma?" "It's just, that my life is so much less interesting than yours, so why bother talking about my failure that is called a life?" I frown, how could she say that? "My life isn't really that exciting, and I would love to hear from yours." "Fine." she says with a sigh "I'm gonna bore you to death with my amazing life. Well university was fine, after that I applied to recording studios and agencies to try to get me a record deal. That didn't go that well as you can see. I ended up at Stiles pub where I begged him for years to let me perform until I finally performed there yesterday. That's basically it. Great huh?" She looks down at her plate and eats the last of her pancakes. I feel so bad for her. "I mean it's not like your life. You studied at the NYU and after that, you travelled through Europe where you wrote your first novel that is now published and you live in LA, the city of stars and angles and you live in a mansion and and and." "You forgot, that I have a doctor and that I'm a college professor." I mumble in my pancakes. She frowns at me. "You know exactly that you'll be famous one day." I say laying my hand on hers. She blushes by the touch and stares at my hand, I think about withdrawing it, but I decide to leave it there. "Yeah right, but it's not gonna be worth it without you." She whispers the last part, but I can hear it loud and clear. "Who says it's going to be without me?" I smile at her. Why did I just say that? I take my hand off hers and delete the smile from my face. How stupid can a person be, I just gave her hope, I can see it in her eyes, the hopeful look of someone who's world is gonna be crushed in a second. I hate myself. "Do you think that we could make it work?" There is the question, and I know the answer. I can't talk, I really can't. "Hey, I know the question is a bit out of line, but do you want to go out with me tonight? Or tomorrow? Just one date before you leave?" The hopeful look remains on her face. I shut my eyes hard and hope that it's gone when I open them again. But of course it's not. I take a deep breathe. "Karma, I think I have to tell you something I've kept from you." The hope slightly fades and is replaced by confusion. It takes all the courage in my body to form the next sentence. "I kinda have a boyfriend."