Hello everyone! Welcome to chapter 4 of The Tears I Shed! I'm really excited for this chapter... please let me know what you think!
Of course, thank you for your reviews, favorites, and alerts. Thank you so much and enjoy this next installment of TTIS!
Disclaimer: Vampire Academy and all related works belongs to Richelle Mead. The song used is Alive written by Danielle Brisebois, Leona Lewis, and John Shanks and performed by Leona Lewis. No profit is being made from this publication. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter 4
Alan and Minya were playing with Adrian and Mikhail when I entered the living room, but all of a sudden, Adrian dropped the toy horse he was playing with, his eyes glazing over and I knew he had been sucked into Vicki's head. Alan and Minya, unable to keep waiting for him, took Mikhail's hands and led him to what I assumed would be their room.
Focusing my attention on Adrian, I shook him, "Is she alright?" I asked as he stepped out of his daze.
"She just told him… he didn't seem like he could think straight, but wow he seems ecstatic," Adrian told me, "he's kissing her and wow… things are… heating up quite fast."
I smacked Adrian on the head. "Let them be happy, you pervert!"
"Of course I can do that." he smirked, "But what about the babies who are upstairs, innocently playing with Mikhail?"
The Guardian's rooms weren't soundproof, which was a good thing if there was a Strigoi attack, but not a good thing when you were trying to get some sleep or keep your children innocent.
Bolting up the stairs, I found them happily playing with their Legos and stuffed animals, making Mikhail put various pieces together.
"Alan, Minya, lets go and play some music and let Mikky rest for a while," I said.
"But mommy, Mikky wants to play with us!" Alan replied looking up at me with those chocolate brown eyes I couldn't say no to.
"But Mikky was driving all night so he could be here on your birthday! He's tired Alan," I replied.
"Mikky will play with you later okay?" Mikhail promised, getting up from his place on the floor.
"Come, lets let Mikky sleep. We can go to the music room," I said, holding out my hand for Minya who was still trying to take apart her Lego stick.
"Ok Mommy. Can you take this out for me?" she asked holding out the Legos she had stacked on top of each other, "I was making a princess wand."
"Of course, baby," I replied, taking apart the legos as Mikhail waved goodbye.
"Thanks Rose." he yawed, and walked over to the room that had been his when he had come with Tasha to Lissa and Christian's wedding.
Before the wedding, Mikhail Tanner was someone I vaguely remembered. He had been a respected guardian who used to guard St. Vladimir's. Later, I had learned that he had left to hunt down his lover, who happened to be a Moroi woman crazy enough to kill someone in order to become Strigoi. Sonya Karp had been a spirit user like Lissa and Adrian, but never had a shadow-kissed guardian to keep her sane.
So Mikhail had left his post at the Academy to chase her down, but he never found her. He'd returned but no one wanted him as a guardian knowing he had left his post to go hunt down a Strigoi, so he'd been assigned to Tasha because she was Christian's only family and Christian was married to Lissa, who had been most likely to become queen after Tatiana.
"Momma, you have to do everything we say today okay?" Minya said, skipping ahead towards the stairs. I laughed. "Not everything! Mommy's old. What if she gets tired?"
"Don't say that Mommy!" Alan exclaimed.
"You fight for hours and still don't get tired!" Minya finished.
"Hours is a long time," I told them, as we walked down the stairs, thankfully avoiding Eddie and Vicki, "I don't think anyone could fight for that long."
"Joanne called you a goddess on Friday." Minya reported. "So she's been really nice to me cuz she thinks you'll beat her up if she's not."
"She's probably afraid you'll beat her up if she says anything bad about Momma," Alan muttered.
"Nuh- uh!" Minya began, and I knew there was no stopping this fight.
"Yuh- uh!"
"Nuh- uh!"
"Yuh- uh!"
"Minya, I hope you're not getting into fights. You're only five for heaven's sake!"
"I'm not," she replied sounding disappointed.
"Why are you saying it like it's a bad thing?"
"Because Alan won't let me!" she exclaimed, shooting him a mad look before stomping down the stairs to Adrian.
"Trouble in paradise Little Dhampir?" Adrian called from the couch as we neared the living room. He was sprawled onto the couch, flipping channels for the umpteenth time while Minya had claimed the armrest and was attempting to clip the bow that had been in her hair onto his head.
"Mommy, she's mad at me," Alan whispered, watching his sister who was trying to ignore him.
"Minya, you're not supposed to be picking fights with your classmates. Alan was right to stop you," I said quietly, walking up to her as Alan began cleaning up the mess they had made earlier.
"But Mommy, she was making me mad!"
"I know," I replied, "but your teacher would have given you a time-out again. Would you want that every time you were mean to your classmates?"
"No. I hate time outs."
"Exactly! So you should say thank you to your brother, right?"
"Yes Mommy," she grumbled, walking over to Alan and apologizing before helping him clean.
"You know Little Dhampir, that seems like something you would do," Adrian smirked.
I rolled my eyes before taking the bow out of his hair. "She's too much like you it seems."
"She's gonna be a handful," I murmured, watching the two of them put away toys together.
"Lissa and Christian went out to get stuff." Adrian said, sneaking a peek at the twins. "Lissa wants you to keep them away from this room after lunch."
"We'll be in the music room," I replied.
Alan came up to me then, and with pleading eyes, begged, "Mommy, let's go now and play music! I've been practicing really really hard."
Minya came up behind him. "Me too!"
"I wanna show her me playing 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!"
"Well, I wanna show her I can play "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."
So they led me to the music room, a small, simple room with a piano in the corner and a bookshelf filled with sheet music, and I listened to Alan and Minya play the songs they had worked so hard to learn.
"Momma…" Alan hesitated, staying silent for a long time. He had played his song beautifully and I could have been prouder.
I kissed him on the forehead. "What's wrong, baby?"
"Bobby was making fun of me and Minya cuz we don't have a daddy. Minya almost punched him in the face and I told him we have a daddy who's far away."
There were tears streaming down his tiny cheeks, and Minya wiped them away. "Don't cry," she told him hugging him.
"Is Seth our daddy?" Minya asked.
Seth had played a fatherly role in the kids' life since they had been born. He was patient and understanding with the kids because he had helped me raise them, so it wasn't hard to understand where the kids were coming from. But he wasn't biologically their father, and I didn't know what to do now that Dimitri was here.
"No," I replied instead, "he's not. But he loves you just as much as Daddy does."
Alan showed me a teary smile, and I instinctively hugged the two of them after wiping away his tears. I hadn't realized that I had tears streaming down my face as well until Minya wiped them away.
"Mommy, can you play the song you sang for last year's karaoke thingie?" Minya asked.
Alan moved off of my lap and look at me expectantly. "What do you mean?" I asked her.
She scrunched up her face as if she was trying to remember. "The one you wrote with Seth!" she finally said.
After the twins had been born, Seth had taught me how to play the piano. After the fight with the two Strigoi outside of Omsk, I began having nightmares, and nothing could stop them from tormenting me. It had been hard - it was still hard to deal with those nightmares, but over time, like with all things, I had gotten better. Nightmares still plagued me - there was no doubt about that - but they could never be as bad as they had used to.
Seth had understood when I asked him to teach me. He always understood. He had been there for me when I had no one else to turn to in Russia, and in many ways, he understood me almost as well as Lissa did.
"You said it was the first one," Alan said, excitedly.
"Of course. Because you asked," I winked at Alan.
After Dimitri left, I had plunged into sort of depression that fighting couldn't fully cure. Confused and resentful, I'd given up all hope I ever had of returning to being the same Rose I had been before he left. But Seth had realized, and taught me how to play the piano when I dreamt of killing a Strigoi Dimitri in order to protect our children - a dream that still occurred more than I would admit.
We ran on human schedule in Japan, just like we had done in Baia, and during the day I learned to fight while at night I learned to play. The more I did things to forget about Dimitri, the easier it became for me to forget him. Even though Alan seemed to be a perfect replica of Dimitri's habits - from his love for Woody from Toy Story to his calm disposition – I gradually learned to let go of Dimitri. I had my twins, and I had Lissa and my family, and it was more than enough for me.
"Are you sure you want me to play that song?" I asked.
"Yes!" they both replied, giving me a puppy dog face that I couldn't resist.
I laughed to myself at their enthusiasm. "All right, here goes nothing!" I said, and I began singing, my fingers sliding along the keys of the piano I'd long since memorized:
I breathe, I hear
But I don't believe it
My heart, it beats
But inside I'm freezing
This song always made me feel the things I'd always tried so hard to push away. I'd told myself that letting Dimitri go was what was best for me, but doing so left me unable to ever look at anyone else again.
My hands, they shake
They've lost all their feeling
No air to take
You say that you're leaving
To this day, I was only filled with questions. Why did he leave the way he did? Why couldn't he have told me? Why hadn't he ever given any indication of what he was about to do? Seth always told me to stop blaming myself for a decision that I had no say in, but I couldn't help myself.
And there's no turning back this time
Gotta stay alive
Where do I go when I'm so alone?
Where do I turn when we were so close?
We try not to crash but we still collide
I can't help but wonder why he picked now to show up. What is he doing here? Why did he finally decide to come with Tasha after five years?
Tears I've cried, I'll survive
I'm alive
I'm stripped, I'm bare
I'm left here with nothing
I had nowhere to go after he left. There was nowhere I could go without reliving memories of him.
I hold the wheel
Don't know where I'm going
Even with the money Adrian had given me, I knew I could go anywhere I wanted to, but the problem was I didn't know what I wanted.
Your face, I see, in every reflection
No time, no space
I've lost all direction
Every time I closed my eyes, he'd be there, sometimes as the man I had let take me in the cabin, sometimes as a Strigoi going after my unborn children.
And there's no turning back this time
Gotta stay alive
So I chose not to sleep.
Where do I go when I'm so alone?
Where do I turn when we were so close?
We try not to crash but we still collide
Tears I've cried, I'll survive
I'm alive
I'm gonna get there some way
I'll forget him eventually. You don't remember things forever.
Through all the tears and the rain
And any road I can take
Just to get me some place
Where all the scars on my heart
And all the lies in the dark
Disappear in the headlights
So bright, tonight
Gonna drive them away
I'll forget everything one day, as if he never existed to begin with.
Where do I go when I'm so alone?
I have Seth and Lissa, and their confidence in me is what keeps me grounded.
Where do I turn when we were so close?
We try not to crash but we still collide
Why did he have to come back?
Tears I've cried, I'll survive
I'm alive
Alive, but barely hanging on.
I woke up from the music that put me in a sort of trance I couldn't escape from until I'd finished. The twins clapped, hugged me, and then wiped away the tears I hadn't even realized were streaming down my face. Then, from behind me, I heard more clapping.
I turned around to face the icy blue eyes of Christian Ozera. Behind him stood Dimitri, who watched me with a look I couldn't place. Hastily, I wiped away what was left of my tears.
"What do you want Sparky?" I managed to get out as sassily as I could.
"It was really good, Rose!" he exclaimed, overenthusiastically.
"You're a great singer Rose," Dimitri added, walking closer to where the twins and I were sitting on the piano bench. "I never knew you could sing that well."
I shrugged. What did he know about me? "There are many things you don't know about me, Guardian Belikov," I finally managed as politely as I could with the twins sitting next to me.
He glanced at the twins before looking into my eyes. "I suppose you're right, Rose," he said. I could see the sadness flicker in his deep brown eyes before he put up his guardian mask.
Alan stood up from the bench and walked over towards Dimitri. All of a sudden, I couldn't breathe. I don't know what Dimitri saw in the little boy who looked nothing like me, but as I watched Alan get closer to Dimitri, I saw them looking at a reflection of each other.
Christian looked over at me, panic written all over his face. I returned his look with a helpless one of my own. I couldn't stop this. My heart was beating so fast: I couldn't believe this was happening. Minya must have sensed my distress because she put her tiny hand over mine as if to reassure me everything would be all right. Except it wouldn't.
Dimitri knelt in front of Alan so they were the same height.
"I don't know you so you can't get any closer to Mommy and Minya."
Dimitri's eyes softened as he looked at him, and then, he held out his hand for Alan to shake, "Hello, I am Guardian Dimitri Belikov."
So... how was it? There's something heart-wrenching about the way Dimitri introduced himself to Alan... it's a scene that wrote itself and I hated myself for it. Let me know what you thought! -iago