Chapter Four

The ride back, most of which was along the river and the remainder along the Wall Rose, was tense, and not without more casualties, but ultimately proved to be a great success for Erwin as a commander. We lost forty-three all together, four less than Erwin's threshold. It was the best live return ratio in the history of the Survey Corps. And for me, in many ways an annoying turning point in my relationship with other soldiers.

One evening a few days after the mission, I was heading back to my room after training and really didn't want to speak to anyone. At least not until I'd bathed. And then I caught sight of a group of my superiors, though it was starting to seem like the other way around these days.

"Hey, here comes mankind's greatest warrior!" cried Thomas. A girl called Petra and that easily frustrated guy, Auruo, were close behind him, seeming to want to talk to me.

I gave them my best irritable scowl in an attempt to rid myself of them, simply turning away.

"Wait, Levi, I want to ask you something!"

"Could you tell us how you change direction so quickly?"

"What's that weird…er…interesting grip you have?"

"Give us some tips!"

I barely answered them and tried my best to be inhospitable about it so they'd leave me alone. In the end, they continued to tag along as I walked until I eventually had to shake them off at the door to my room.

One girl who I hadn't noticed before, with long brown hair pulled back in a no-nonsense bun, was the last to leave. I wasn't even sure she'd been together with the rest of that group. And when they left, she hung back for a moment and met my gaze. I didn't see admiration there, as with the others, but I wasn't sure what was actually there. Regardless, after only a slightly awkward moment, she followed the others.

I realized through overheard conversations over the next couple of days that she was a new recruit called Elise Kohler. A former resident of Wall Sina, if you can believe that. And also one of the few to openly support Erwin's tactics before anyone else had. The way she seemed to pay unusual attention to me without deep emotion stuck in my mind a little, possibly because it activated some of my old instincts. People who hated you were usually open about it. But people who were actively planning to kill you could hide it quite well. Still, she made no attempt to even speak to me, so I had no reason to think very deeply about it. And then something…rather surprising happened.

I quickly got into the habit of entering Erwin's office without knocking. He'd never objected to it. But on this day, this habit got me a look at something I definitely wasn't supposed to see. As I opened the door, still perusing a mission statement that had a stupidly confusing diagram on it, the room's two occupants didn't even notice me at first. As soon as I looked up and realized what was happening, I stopped. And I stayed where I was, struck frozen where I stood.

Elise Kohler was standing over Erwin as he sat at his desk. The recruit's left hand cupped Erwin's chin gently, her lips parted, and I realized her knee was resting between Erwin's legs on his chair. His eyes were level with hers and he seemed deeply engaged watching her. Before they noticed me, their faces drew just minimally closer than they already were. A few seconds later, they both looked up at me.

And then we all looked at each other for a while.

I raised an incredulous brow. "Bad time?" I queried eventually.

Erwin stood, forcing Elise to take a few steps back. "Levi. Would you step outside? I just need a moment with Private Kohler."

I felt my jaw tighten. I glanced at Kohler, who as always, stared back at me with no expression. That was a good face for a killer, I thought. But eventually, I shrugged. I turned away and walked outside to lean outside the door.

From inside Erwin's voice came, "Close the door, please."

My eyebrow twitched. I hooked my foot under the door and jerked it closed, then folded my arms and waited. I frowned darkly up at the ceiling, effectively distracting myself for a moment with the unacceptable amount of cobwebs up there. I tried to deny it briefly, but the longer I waited, the more I felt a surge of hot anger when I thought about seeing her leg between his. I wasn't even sure who I was angry at, just anger. But then when their faces drew closer together, a cold, empty feeling ran through my stomach and made me want to run away. I knew why, deep down. It pissed me the hell off.

After a couple of minutes, Kohler emerged alone. She didn't look at me, but stood for a moment as if acknowledging that I had seen what I wasn't supposed to, and telling me she didn't care.

But eventually, she muttered, "Hello. Levi."

Still without looking at me, she walked away. I watched her until she was out of sight. Once she was gone, I politely kicked the door open again.

Erwin glanced with mild disapproval at the door lip and then at me. He rested both hands on his desk as he organized his thoughts. We both stood for a moment in the heavy silence left by Private Kohler's absence. Erwin eventually closed his eyes and lowered his head. Clearly, he was making an effort with this one.

"Levi…about what you just saw…"

"I don't give a shit." I walked forward to the desk and slapped the diagram onto it. "Whoever drew this for you is two-dimensionally challenged. I talked to a few grunts in my unit, nobody knows what this weird snake biting a sandwich is supposed to mean."

Erwin's lips parted as he frowned at me, almost in shock. After a moment, he closed his eyes again. "Levi…I want to talk to you. Can't we-"

"No," I said.

His eyes widened at me. I looked away, unable to face what looked to me to be genuine emotion. But of course, that was precisely the problem.

"I figured it out. I can't talk to you," I said, with what for me was a gentle tone. I might have every reason to hate this man, but I knew by now my true feelings were far from what they should be. And the only thing I could think to do was distance myself from the cause. "I trust my instincts," I continued, "but they don't work on you. I can't tell the truth from the bullshit. So talking isn't really a fair way for us to communicate."

I expected Erwin to agree with that statement, with his usual self-assured charm. I expected him to be flattered that he was so skilled at his strong suit, which of course was deceiving people and hiding his emotion. But he didn't respond at all. When I eventually glanced up at him, he was staring at the diagram on his desk with a blank, empty expression. I'd never seen him make that face before. To my disbelief, for almost a minute, he didn't move at all. The tension continued to rise and I started to get chills up the back of my spine, imagining him bursting into violence at any moment.

Eventually, though still looking blank and moving very slowly, he glanced away and straightened his back. "Yes…" he said at length. "It's not fair."

I frowned; this wasn't the usual Erwin. Something in what I'd just said had upset him or caught him by surprise. I couldn't tell which because he wasn't even trying to fake emotion right now. There was nothing in him at all. Was this part of his beast? Did it have different functions, killing and cold nothingness? Mike might know, I thought, but damned if I was ever going to willingly ask him for help.

"Diagram?" I persisted.

Erwin blinked, focusing his vision down at it. He revolved the page a little so it was facing him. "A snake with a sandwich…I see," he murmured, his voice still softer and a little slower than usual. "It's an arrow, Levi. It's the predicted path an attacking titan will take if the tactic succeeds. It continues in the next figure. Here."

He showed me the next page and what he said made sense. I nodded.

"Is that clear?"

I took the papers back from his desk. "More or less."

"Good," Erwin said, straightening again, still without looking at me.

I turned to leave. I jerked back when I realized my wrist was caught. I rolled a glare up at Erwin, whose bear-sized hand was enveloping half my forearm with clearly no intention of letting go.

"What the fuck?" I asked him, feeling dread sinking into my stomach but keeping it from my face.

It was a tense few moments before Erwin even took a breath to reply. His eyes were still emotionless, staring a hole straight through my chest. "If it's not talking, then you don't mind communicating with me?"

My eyebrows snapped together in annoyance. "Speak words other people can understand," I barked back.

At that moment, his eyes met mine and I realized it had never been nothingness in them. It was pure, impenetrable, unforgiving ice. It was a cold so deep it burned. The blue of his eyes at that moment held an intensity that made me unable to look away in spite of my fear.

"You said you wanted something from me before. It's something I can give you any time," he said with soft danger in his voice. I shivered. "Come to my room later. I'll wait for you."

I managed to recover my senses a couple of seconds later, at least enough to say, "Fuck you," softly. I yanked my wrist from his grasp and walked out.

With my face feeling oddly hot, I stalked out of his office toward anywhere else. This was the whole problem, I kept telling myself. Erwin's greatest gift was his ability to strategize, to read people. Even that display just now, strange as it was, may all have been designed and carefully planned to get my attention, make me doubt my assessment of him. I couldn't trust myself around him. And the empty feeling that came when I thought I'd never be important to him and never would be, I pushed aside. It wouldn't help.

Besides, it was starting to feel like I didn't need Erwin's approval anymore. Little by little, as word of the last mission's success spread and training started back up, people stopped being afraid of me, no matter how much I wished they would be. Some came and sat with me during meals, others continually asked me for help with training, some even followed me around asking if I needed anything. That stupid nickname, "Mankind's Greatest Warrior" became a regular thing. Mike never let me forget it.

Strangely, I got a notification that I was to accompany Erwin and a couple of other privates on a trip to the Interior. It didn't say why. When I met the others to board the carriage on a crisp, fall morning, Erwin was there but barely looked at me. He greeted me normally and gestured inside the carriage. Me and the two other privates boarded the carriage, Erwin got in last. He folded one leg over the other, propped his chin on his hand and looked out the window without a word.

It was actually hard to concentrate on what Erwin was planning because the other two privates were beaming distractingly. Like they'd both just taken a huge dump and were over the moon about it. They kept grinning at me as if expecting me to join in their enthusiasm which of course had the exact opposite effect they wanted it to.

"Are you excited?" one of them asked me.

I gave my best impression of a potted plant.

With the awkward silence that followed, the other two eventually concluded I wasn't up for whatever they were so excited about. After a couple of minutes, they resumed beaming, fidgeting and looking out the windows now and then. We slowed down to pass through Wall Sina's exterior gate, entering the city of Stohess. As soon as we had, the cobbled road became smooth as silk and we hardly bounced. Pigs here must have delicate asses, I thought. After another ten minutes, the carriage eventually slowed to a stop. I glanced out the window, during a gap when the privates were beaming at each other instead of trying to get a look outside. I realized this was a place I'd been before. It was the headquarters of the Military Police.

As we exited the carriage, suddenly in the bright light and open space of the interior of Wall Sina, and started walking over the smooth stones among sneering MPs, I had a sudden sinking feeling. Was that why these privates were so excited? Was that why Erwin wouldn't look at me? Were we being transferred to the MPs?

We entered the building, all the while earning condescending stares, even from the lowest-ranking MPs. A couple of them approached Erwin and saluted, but still didn't manage to look pleased about our presence. Erwin nodded in return and they wordlessly led us deeper into the building. Eventually we were led to a room with four pigs in noble's outfits sitting at a table, along with Nile Dawk and a few other high-ranking officers.

Nile let out an irritable sigh. "All right, Erwin. Let's get this over with," he said, slapping open a file that had been set on the table. He perused it as Erwin saluted and addressed the room.

Erwin began in a firm, loud voice, "Respected Council Members, Officers of the Interior Military. I, Commander Erwin Smith of the Survey Corps, hereby present my recommendations for immediate promotion. Dita Ness," Ness saluted, "Darius Baer-Varbrun," Darius saluted, "and Levi Ackerman."

I glanced at Erwin in disbelief. He was looking straight ahead, obviously aware that I wasn't saluting and that everyone else in the room was currently staring at me, waiting for me to do so. I locked eyes with Nile Dawk, whose expression slowly clouded over with anger and incredulity at my inaction. When I still failed to make a move, he picked up a pen, and with gusto, made a note on an official-looking form. Finished, he set down his pen, folded his hands and glared back up at me.

"Private Ness," said a tired and bitter-looking council member from the main table. "Step forward. State your case for promotion."

"Yes, sir!"

One by one, the council and MPs interviewed each of us. When they got to me, and asked me to state my case for promotion, they didn't seem impressed with my answer, "I don't know exactly what you want to hear. I don't really care about rank. But I do like the idea of less pigs to have to listen to."

I saw Erwin glance at the ceiling in what, for him, was a gesture of exasperation. But when they were about to finish with me, he asked for a chance to speak on my behalf.

Erwin stepped forward. He opened his mouth and kind and beautiful words tumbled out like flower petals falling on a windy day. He said a lot of things. Most of which I thought were overstatements, like that I was the greatest warrior mankind had ever seen, or that the Survey Corps couldn't exist in the future without me. I didn't expect to hear any of that, and whether he believed what he was saying or not, I can't deny it didn't feel bad to hear him say he needed me. On the other hand, he'd never made a secret about wanting me to stay in the Survey Cops, the problem was the way he was trying to manipulate me into doing it. On top of that, the fact that he was having to bow down to these pigs just because I had a mouth I couldn't close brought a special kind of rage and humiliation. But there was really nothing I could do to prevent it, so I clenched my jaw and waited for this to be over.

The meeting ended with the council saying they would review our applications and notify us of the results sometime in the next week. Erwin and the other two saluted, and the same two MPs who'd brought us here opened the door so we could leave. Ness and Darius maintained their dignity up until we were out of sight of the council, then roughly hugged each other and bounced around. Clearly they felt the interview had gone well.

I was still mulling it over, still utterly no idea what Erwin was thinking by recommending me for a promotion. I looked up at him. But for a slight tension between his brows, his expression was calm as ever. Of course, that meant nothing. As ever, I had no ability to read him even a little. I glanced at the ground as we walked together, quickly falling behind the excited privates who had already bounded off toward the carriage.

"What's your angle?" I asked him softly, in case MPs might overhear.

"Angle?" Erwin asked, a bit too innocently.

I narrowed my eyes up at him. "You promote me without a word. No, more importantly, you promote me. Are you still trying to use me to-"

Erwin's hand grabbed my wrist and the next moment I found my back hitting the wall of a corridor off the main route. Erwin towered over me, his cold blue eyes boring unyielding into mine. He seemed to need to gather himself before he said anything, and for a moment we stood like this in silence.

"I waited for you. You didn't come to my room."

I glared up at him. "Huh?!"

"I put you up for promotion weeks ago, it only took this long to go through. I knew you would come through for us spectacularly," Erwin continued, his tone softening a little. "And of course, you did. I'm doing everything I can to keep you with us, and keep you happy."

I had to bite back a physical pain that struck my chest as he said this. Stop it, I barked inside my own head. You knew this. Mike said it, and Erwin confirmed it. This guy would sell his soul to defeat the titans, of course he'd give his body. That's not what I want.

Erwin's grip on my wrist loosened a little, so now it felt like he was holding it, rather than forcefully pressing me into the wall. "I thought you would come to my room after we spoke," he murmured, looking hard into my eyes. "Why didn't you?"

I sighed. "Maybe I can ask you, then. Won't Private Murder-eyes have something to say?"

"Private Kohler?" Erwin murmured in surprise. "Levi, I tried to explain, that was…" But at that point he glanced aside and trailed off. Either he found it difficult to say, or he was in the middle of thinking of the most useful lie.

"Go on. You've kept me in suspense, it should be good."

Erwin sighed. "Nothing you need to worry about."

"Worth the wait. Thanks," I said. I attempted to break free but Erwin's hand holding my wrist wasn't moving an inch. I glared up at him, more and more determined to get out of this situation where I felt he could see right through me. I was losing the ability to even defend myself from his skillful usage.

"I don't know what's making you hold back," Erwin murmured gently, lowering his head a little to speak nearer to my ear. "But you don't need to."

I gritted my teeth. "You can relax," I muttered. "I'm not going anywhere."

Erwin's grip on my wrist tightened. In his low, soft voice, he said, "Does this mean I misread you? You don't want what I have to offer?"

I felt my cheeks growing hot and prayed I wasn't blushing visibly as I thought about what he was implying. Once again, I clenched my jaw and attempted to pull my wrist free. But no matter how many times I tried, it was going anywhere. I hid my face from him.

"I don't give a shit either way," I barked, though even I felt it lacked any bite. "Let me go," I said, lowering my head so he couldn't see my face.

"You don't care…which means you don't dislike it either."

I pulled pointlessly against his grip, wanting to be anywhere else at that moment. "Fuck off."

"Levi. Look at me."

I refused, until Erwin's other hand tilted my chin back. I gasped in a breath before his mouth met mine. He wrapped one hand around my waist, drawing my body against his. I melted into his touch, overpowered at that moment by desire that I'd been holding back. The forceful movement of his warm lips against mine, his smell, the strength of his large hand crawling up the small of my back. I gasped again as his tongue slipped between my parted lips and teased mine.

Out of a brief desire to see what kind of face he was making, I let my eyes open. A jolt ran through my body as Erwin's flickered open too and met mine. With our lips gently pressed together and his hot tongue inside my mouth, he held my gaze and continued softly kissing me. Those intense, cold blue eyes kindly yet passionately staring into me as his lips claimed mine was overpowering. Shocking pleasure ran like a fire through my body and I may have let out a small noise. At that moment, Erwin's leg slipped between mine and he pressed his hip into my groin.

I finally closed my eyes and unconsciously bit down on his tongue, which made him flinch and then shiver. After pressing another firm kiss against my lips and rolling his hips against mine, he gently pulled away. We stood sharing one another's breath in silence for a moment. Then we heard boots on the floor. Quickly, we stepped apart as an MP passed.

When the coast was clear, Erwin took a slow breath in and sighed. He took my hand and held it for a moment, causing a flutter to run through my chest. He took a step closer to me and murmured softly, "Will you come tonight?"

I tried to hide the embarrassment and excitement on my face. How stupid was I? Getting all worked up over every single thing he did. "Fuck off," I murmured, with about the least conviction I have ever had upon using those words.

"I'll wait," he said, and squeezed my hand.

We both stepped out (me a little shakily) and headed back to the carriage. We didn't look at each other on the ride back, but I was far more conscious of Erwin's presence nearby than I was during the ride there. As if I could feel his desire from the seat across from me.

Unfortunately, the trip into the interior had only taken up about half the day. So we still had a normal day of training and chores to get through until evening. I wasn't even fighting with myself about what I wanted to do. I knew very well that, once again, Erwin had said and done exactly the right things to get me to do as he wanted. But if I thought about it another way, someone who knew people as well as Erwin did should have been able to tell that I wasn't going anywhere. And if he wanted to be sure, there were probably many ways he could have tried to tie me down and ensure my loyalty. But he chose this one. He wanted this too. Was it all right to be happy about that?

As the hours passed until sundown, my enthusiasm started to dwindle as guilt and insecurity rose. As training ended, it started to rain. It was the worst possible timing. The depressing weather made my feet feel heavy as I headed for my quarters. I walked through the bailey, my hood up to block the thick droplets falling quickly now, the moist smell of the air bringing me back to the day less than two months ago when my life fell apart.

My footing grew uneven as the water sank into the grass, loosening the earth. I couldn't help stopping for a moment and staring down at the struggling grass and mud between. I felt my knees growing weak. Rain was one of the many unpleasant phenomena of living above ground. Despite being water, it never made you feel clean. Only cold. It didn't wash away the past, it just sank into it, permeated it with cold grayness.

Nevertheless, I thought, Isabella would have liked it. Farran would complain, as I would, probably saying it just made the laundry go moldy. But Isabella would probably want to play in it. She'd dance around, laughing like a little kid, and make us both smile. And though Farran would understand what was happening to me now, my shifting loyalties, Isabella never would. She would hate me for bowing my head to Erwin. And for sleeping with him…she would never forgive me.

My feet slowly carried me inside the barracks. It had quickly turned into a heavy rain. The cold had seeped in through my cloak already. I dripped onto the slatted wood flooring, my boots slowly clinking along it. They carried me past the door to my own quarters, and on toward the officers' section. My hood still over my head, I wasn't looking at anyone or where I was going and couldn't even hear well. My steps slowed as I came near my destination.

Just down the hall from Erwin's room, a drop of warmth ran down my face. I let my weight fall against the nearest wall and stood there, shivering. Somehow, as I knew it would, I heard the door open. It slowly closed. Erwin's heavy, recognizable bootsteps came closer.

"Levi…!" I heard his hurried whisper of my name, but I bit my lip and refused to meet his gaze.

Suddenly, Erwin's hand grabbed me and yanked me around, drawing me into a tight hug against his chest. At first I was confused about the violence of this movement, but then I heard a grunt of pain. Followed by a gasp from a third person, somewhere behind Erwin. I blinked, instantly realizing what had happened but too shocked to accept it.

Though Erwin was instinctively holding me very tight, I pushed him away just enough to see Elise Kohler standing behind him, the bloody knife in her shaking hand. She looked like I felt, her face streaked with horror and confusion. She took a step back. Dropped the knife. Then she ran.

My chest was feeling so tight I could hardly draw breath. I eventually gathered the courage to look up at Erwin's face. His jaw was tightly clenched, his eyes closed. He opened them in time to meet my gaze for a moment. He looked over his shoulder at Kohler's absence, the knife on the ground. The growing drops of blood by his feet. He took me by the shoulders and pushed me back to look me over. When he saw I was uninjured, he sighed heavily.

"Thank god," he murmured.

Then Erwin's knees buckled and he crumpled to the ground in a heap. I stood staring down at him in disbelief. His back was facing me. I watched as a red flower bloomed over the blue and white wings. Dread and rage and horror flooded through my body, spreading from the tight spot in my chest. At the back of my mind, I heard voices down either end of the hallway, and another few pairs of boots rushing toward where I stood. I couldn't tear my gaze away from Erwin's back.

Hange's voice. I didn't realize they had arrived. "Erwin…can you hear me? Levi! Levi, what happened!"

As Hange's hands pressed down on the wound in Erwin's back, I moved my gaze down the corridor. It was crowded with people now, but I only saw one quickly disappearing back. Rage drowned out all other emotions. I leapt over Erwin's body and ran at full speed down the hallway.

At first a few people narrowly avoided bumping into me, then everyone moved out of the way. I burst out into the rain after Kohler. She looked over her shoulder and screamed a little when she saw me. She had longer legs, but she struggled over the wet ground. I tackled her and kneed her in the back as we landed, knocking the wind out of her.

She gasped for breath, unable to move. I grabbed the knife from my boot and raised it high, without a thought about whether this was right or wrong. In that instant, despair and horror slowed time for me. It was just like that day. The mud. The smell of blood. The cold sinking into my skin and deeper into my heart. The loss of everything I loved and even myself. Maybe that despair slowed my hand. Either way, it never fell.

I knew Mike was behind me and his hand held my wrist. "Stay calm, Levi," Mike said, softly for him. "He's not dead."

It took a moment for the meaning of his words to sink in. As Kohler coughed and gasped in a breath, I started to hear the sound of the rain again. It drowned out everything else and gradually soaked us even more. I lost the strength in my body and now Mike was all but holding me upright.

"He's all right, Levi," Mike's voice echoed oddly in my mind. There was something wrong with my ears.

As much as I wanted to believe him anyway, the guilt that I had gotten someone hurt and possibly killed again was robbing me of all my will to stay positive. And if I had killed Erwin, I wasn't sure I wanted to live. Cold and warmth dripped down my face as Mike and I stood motionless in the rain while Erwin's blood drained onto the floor of the barracks.