it has been months. months since my life has had meaning
heartbreak. there are many definitions in the dictionary and not a single one of them is true.
none of them describe how you feel hollow. how it hurts even to breath. how it seems pointless to talk to anybody because no-on can aptly understand the concept of how your heart can still hurt even when it is gone, still left with the one you love.
I understand.
I understand that clearly, because that is all I felt. every second that passed was empty and meaningless without him by my side. time shouldn't have passed but pass it did. speeding up and slowing down in sudden lurches and almost gentle lulls.
everything was meaningless.
I had spent the entire time in my room, never moving, never thinking of any-thing except him. flashes of him playing through my head like an unending movie reel.
no-one had disturbed me the entire time. though I knew that was about to change when I heard footsteps walking the corridor to my door and caught onto the two sets of thoughts getting steadily louder.
Alice and Ariana. my sister and my best friend. I felt a small tremor of guilt buried deep underneath everything else for not speaking a word to either of them the whole time.
"Bella, you need to hunt. you've gone too long." I heard Alice's tentative voice call through the door. "come on Bella, you need to go."
I knew she was right. my eyes had been becoming blacker and blacker. I could feel the lack of blood and the burn in my throat. but I had had no desire to move.
the sound of a key in a lock made me raise my head. I looked around to the doorway and saw the two of them enter the darkened room. I turned my head away from them, not wanting them to see me.
I felt the bed dip as they both sat down and Ariana's hands begin to stroke through my hair. for once I felt like a small child being comforted by their mother.
"Bells, you can't do this to yourself. you've got to be in pain. you need to hunt." she whispered coaxingly.
I sat up and turned to face them. for an instant, instead of topaz eyes, I saw brilliant emerald ones, but I shook my head quickly to dispel the image. as if I wasn't hurting enough.
I heard Alice's thoughts, mindlessly singing old folk songs, and I was for once glad that Alice was the best at concealing her thoughts. she was the one who would no doubt think about him the most.
I saw my own coal eyes stare back at me blankly from their topaz eyes. I needed to hunt. as I became more aware of this the burn in the back of my throat got hotter and hotter, as though in revenge for being ignored while my mind was ...occupied.
"okay... hunt." I said. even to my own ears, my voice sounded flat and numbed. they both smiled tentatively at me and I stood, heading for the window.
a flash of a very different window crossed my vision, the peeling white paint falling softly to the ground as I lifted the latch, hearing the heartbeats...
I froze as another gash seemed to tear itself into me. instinctively, I wrapped my arms around myself an turned away from the window, towards the door. I saw Ariana give Alice a questioning glance but Alice only shook her head. she knew why.
luckily for me, most of my family and Ariana's coven were out at the moment, that was why the two of them had decided to confront me now. when there was no-one to stop me on my way out.
as soon as I was out of the front door, I ran to the east, trying to find an appetizing scent. I took in a deep breath, breathing in the delectable perfume of mountain lion. I quickly changed my course and followed the fragrance to my meal.
I felt my human mind being over-shadowed by the predator. focused on only one thing. the hunt. I let my body do what felt natural and ran after my kill.
my eyes zeroed in on the big cat, laying down in the middle of a clearing. too easy. I pounced and sunk my teeth into the beating pulse, feeling the thirst ebb and fade away with every gulp I took.
I drank the scarlet liquid until the body had dried up, I threw it to one side and set about hiding it, in case any human travelers were to happen upon it.
my thoughts slowly became released from the creature. from the simpleness of easy problems resolved by easy solutions. thirsty, feed. if only my life could be that simple all the time.
as I began to come back to human, the pain I had managed to keep away during the hunt came back. in small darts rebounding again and again through my body. I paused for a second and clutched my arms around me, but carried on. not being exposed was more important.
I could hear Alice and Ariana's thoughts as they watched me move, but I paid no attention to them until my task was complete. after I could postpone it no longer, I faced them.
I saw Alice open her mouth to speak, when her eyes glazed over and I was swept up into her vision.
flame red hair blew in the wind. the trees bending fiercely from the hill on which they stood, to the town that the woman looked upon. the night sky was dark, the only illumination was the stars and the rapidly decreasing houselights. the woman fell into a hunting crouch, baring her teeth and threw herself off the hill, her feet landing lightly on the topmost branch of a tree at the foot of a garden.
below her, a human woman stood, hanging her washing on a line and two small children, a boy and a girl, ran out to her.
an vicious smile arrived on the flame-haired womans face and she jumped off the tree, landing in front of the family, her red eyes blazing. she moved in for the kill. a flash of brown hair and amber eyes crossed the vision before black smoke clouded Alice's eyes.
Alice unfroze and I growled slightly. I recognized the vampire. Victoria.
"Alice, why are you seeing her?" I asked, through gritted teeth. she blinked a few times, coming to her senses before answering me.
"ever since...that time...I was concentrating on her so hard then, that she comes more clearly now...but normally only when I'm looking..." she trailed off, trying to reason it to herself as much as to me.
"but why now?" I asked, my voice filled with emotion. anger. I hadn't experienced anything other than pain, grief and loss for months.
"some decision...I need to see again." and she froze again. this time, I didn't watch with her. I quickly filled in Ariana on the vision. she had already been told about ... before.
"NO!" Alice yelled as she came to. immediately, Ariana and I were at her side.
"what did you see?" Ariana asked, frantically. I stopped, hearing her thoughts already. this was interesting.
"Bella, you can't!" I heard Alice call, but I wasn't listening.
me hunting Victoria? hmmm. hadn't I just been thinking about how the only time I didn't think about him was when I was more vampire than human. easy problems resolved by easy solutions. danger, kill.
a grin spread across my face before I could stop it. the action was difficult and unused, but I managed a watered-down version of it.
Alice jumped in front of me.
"Bella, no! it's dangerous. why would you want to do this?" she pleaded, her topaz eyes over-bright with worry.
"why?! what does she want to do?!" Ariana asked, looking between me and Alice, her silver-blonde curls flying as she moved.
"she's going to follow Victoria herself." Alice told her, not moving her eyes from my face.
the more I considered it, the more I liked the idea. I was deaf to Ariana's and Alice's protests, as I thought about it. I would be away from any thoughts that would revolve around me and...and him. and this way, I wouldn't have to distance my mind from my family and their time with their other half.
Carlisle. I would need to talk to him about it. I wouldn't necessarily need his permission, but I would feel better with his approval of what I was doing.
without a word, I ran back to these house, hoping that Carlisle would be back. luck wasn't with me. he and Esme were still out hunting, though the rest of them were all in the living room. they all froze upon seeing me but I ignored them, pacing up and down the long room, waiting for Carlisle's return.
no-one tried to speak to me as I moved. I could hear it in their thoughts. they thought that a single word from them could send me back to the depression I had spent the last two months in.
the front door flew open, revealing Alice and Ariana. Alice dashed towards me while Ariana sat with the rest of her coven. I could feel all pairs of eyes on me as I walked, Alice shadowing my footsteps.
"Bella!" she eventually screeched at me, after five minutes of ignoring her. I stopped and faced her, already knowing what she was about to say. "this is dangerous!" her hands formed restraints around my wrists, preventing me from turning away.
"what's dangerous?" I heard Carlisle say as he walked through the still open front door, his hand intertwined with Esme's and his face cautious.
before I could say a word, Alice began to explain to every-one her visions and my plan. Carlisle's brow furrowed as he listened. as soon as she had finished Carlisle turned to me, a concerned look on his face. when he spoke, his voice was soft.
"Bella...?" he asked, cocking his head slightly to one side.
"I want to go." I announced, looking at my feet. my voice, though quiet, rang with determination.
"why?" was all he asked. I sighed and brought my arms up around me, not realizing I had done so until I saw myself in his thoughts.
"Carlisle,,,when I'm hunting...it's the only time that I don't think about him." I whispered, keeping my eyes trained on the floor. "is it so bad to want an escape?"
"it's unsafe." Esme spoke up, for the first time since walking in.
"not such a bad thing." I murmured. "win/win situation really." the thought jumped into my head and out of my mouth unbidden. I winced mentally and looked up, hoping no-one had caught that. it was too much to hope for.
"what?" Alice hissed.
"I didn't mean that!" I protested under her fierce stare. she had seen a future from that small unconscious decision and it had terrified her.
"then why say it?" she asked, baring her teeth slightly.
I held up my hands, taking a step back.
"it just came out! I didn't think!" though it was true. one less threat in the world if I succeeded...no more grief for me if I failed. but I wasn't that bad. I wasn't about to go looking for death.
"Alice." Carlisle saved me, causing Alice to turn and face him. "keep to the task at hand." he told her.
"but Carlisle-"
"later Alice!" Alice huffed, but went to sit down next to Jasper. Carlisle
turned back to me again.
"this is what you want to do?" I nodded and he sighed. "then I can't stop you." I nodded thankfully and was about to turn when I heard another voice speak up.
"I'm going too." I spun back around to face Jasper. Alice was watching him. her face, though concerned, showed that she had obviously accepted her husbands decision.
"what?!" I asked, looking him straight in the eye.
"I'm going too." he repeated, standing up. "I'm better at tracking, better at killing, and will be able to stop you making any stupid decisions." his last few words showing that Alice hadn't been the only one to catch my slip of the tongue.
"it's too-" I was cut off.
"too what? dangerous? unsafe? life threatening? if you can disregard those things then so can I."
"and if I refuse?" I challenged him.
he smirked at me. "I'll just follow you." I growled at him.
"and you approve of this?" I asked Alice, raising an eyebrow. she nodded resolutely.
"Jasper can take care of himself."
"AND I CAN'T?!" I shouted, annoyed at how this was turning out.
"yes you can. it's just...well, he's there to make sure you stay unharmed by your own means." she said, throwing my earlier words back at me in her head as she spoke.
I sighed, knowing I wouldn't win this argument. I could hear Emmett's thoughts wanting to offer his help too.
I would...but Rosalie. she'd kill me if I left now. I just promised that second honeymoon...
"it's okay Em." I murmured, looking over to him, hoping to show that I appreciated the offer. he grinned at me and tightened his arm around Rose. I turned away from the innocent display of affection and locked my knees together in case I fell. this was why I needed to go.
"when do we leave?" I asked Jasper, giving in. he smiled at me.
"Alice?"
she closed her eyes and sat frozen for a few seconds.
"tomorrow. at noon." I nodded to her and turned back to Jasper.
"be ready." I said and turned, seeking the solace of my room as the pain I had been keeping at bay while planning threatened to over-take me.
I only made it until I closed the door. I sunk against the wood hung my head.
a pair of beautiful green eyes stared at me from behind my eyelids. this was the reason I was doing it. he was. I was making the world as safe as I could. using everything in my power.
the very last of the vampire left my mind and the shards of ice thrust themselves fully through my heart again. my breathing came in short bursts as I let my earlier mask finally fall.
all of the occupants of the Denali Coven's house were gathered in the main room as Jasper and I made to leave.
I slung my virtually empty bag around my shoulder. all it held was money, phone and car keys, but I needed a bag for a prop if we had to spend too much time with humans, without arousing suspicion.
Esme threw her arms around me as her worried thoughts broke through the calm facade she had been maintaining. I tried to deafen myself to her sobs, but each one stabbed me like a needle. I knew that she hated any of us to be in danger, but this was something I had to do.
"I'm sorry Mom," I whispered, carefully wrapping my arms around her. "but this is just something I have to do. I'll be home soon." the rest of my family were also moving, though later, today. we had another house over in England and they had decided that we had stayed on the Denali Coven's hospitality too long.
I extracted myself from my mother's arms and was immediately attacked by Emmett and Alice's hugs, both gripping me tightly. "see you soon." I muttered, the maybe dying on my lips.
they released me and turned to say goodbye to Jasper. Ariana caught my hand and I found my self facing all five of the Denali Coven; Ariana, Isolde, Claudia, Louis and Samuel. all had identical solemn expressions on their faces.
"Be Safe." Claudia placed her small hands on my own and tossed her long, black hair out of her eyes. "I mean it Bella. you seem to attract trouble." she smiled at me slightly, making me feel guilty for not spending time with her while I was here. then again, I probably wasn't going to have been much company.
all five gave me a hug, Ariana holding on the longest.
"I had hoped that your next visit would be a happy one, but I am sorry that it was not to be so." she spoke her words with the same old-fashioned phrasing as most older vampires do. though I spoke the same way, she made me chuckle. "there is too much sorrow in your life Bella. one day you may be happy, but it depends on your choices." I tensed as she talked about choices. she had been talking to Alice.
"Bella, we have to go." Jasper called, referring to the time. I nodded and made for the door. I spared one last look at my family's faces before I ran outside to the car.
the roar of the engine wasn't enough to drown out my family's final calls of goodbye, however much I wanted it to. Jasper was driving the car, leaving me simply sat in the passenger seat to think.
thinking was something I had been trying very hard not to do since I had regained my composure. If I thought too much, my mind would keep circling back to painful subjects and I needed to be focused if I were to succeed at this.
Jasper's phone beeped, Alice reminding us again of Victoria's position. although she hated the plan she had decided to 'make sure the idiots don't get killed' as she so eloquently put it.
I tried to occupy myself with the passing scenery, my keen eyesight spotting small and inconsequential things that did nothing to alleviate my tenseness.
"do we need to stay in a hotel or forests?" I asked, trying to create some distraction for me.
"depends," he said, slipping into his old military skin "Alice say that she's still no-where near civilization. forests would probably be best as then we have no need to pull of the human charade." I had asked him to speak aloud the entire time, I would likely hear his thoughts any-way but silence wasn't something I was going to welcome.
it was comforting to hear Jasper speak as though he was back in the war. when he was his old self, he wasn't Jasper. he wasn't one of my family members who looked at me with pity and sadness. he was a companion to help me finish my quest. nothing more, nothing less.
my brother would come back soon and I would be pulled out of this little safe haven. but so long as he stayed with me to help...I would be fine.
it's an odd thing, heartbreak. behind the ache, there is the need to be alone to grieve because n-one else can understand you. but further behind that...there is the need to attach yourself to something that cares for you. the two desires are impossible to reconcile, like trying to push two magnets together. even if one is fulfilled, you are constantly wishing for the other and resenting the people who gave you one of them.
so I sat there, trapped in limbo, listening to the ticking of the clock count the seconds of my ... life?
wow – that chapter was reeeaaalllly difficult to write. seriously it's been over a month and it's not even all that long of a chapter. I will TRY to get the next one quicker, at least I hope. so if you are still reading this, thankyou for not giving up on me. again sorry.
hope you liked it.
xox-hattii-xox