Once more unto the breach, dear friends...

Max is, of course, Max Tomos, author of the excellent 'Love Cuffs'.

.

.

.

...up against the wall of the janitor's closet, her lips crashing into the other girl's, causing her to cry out in-

"Ow!" Tori pulled away, nursing her lip. "Do you have to keep doing that?"

"Sorry," Jade said, with a shrug. "But that's what it says here. 'Lips crashing'. It's pretty specific."

"Yeah, well, I suspect whoever wrote that never 'crashed their lips' into anything more exciting than a burrito. I think I'm going to need a stitch."

"Don't be such a baby. Here, let me have a look."

"I don't even see why we have to do this anyway."

"Because that's how it works," Jade said, patiently. "They write them, we have to do them."

"Why?"

"Because otherwise we don't exist, dumbass." She leaned forward and gently kissed Tori's injured lip. "That better?"

"I guess," Tori said, grudgingly. She sank down on the bed. "But how will they even know we're doing it? What if we just stopped?"

"Do you really want to risk it and find out?"

"Well, no, but... it's just so hard. We've been everywhere, done everything. I had to dig myself out of my own grave last week because you guys forgot about me after the eulogy."

"Well it's not my fault they didn't flag the story as 'complete', is it? I thought you were supposed to come back from the dead. Anyway, you had a week off while my eternal soul was perishing in an epic, intergalactic ghost war between the Nether Dimensions and... I don't know, some guys in hats."

"That wasn't a week off!" Tori said, indignantly. "There were three earthquakes, the worst storm in living memory and my whole family died. Twice."

"Well-"

"And," she said, "And, I had to talk to Robbie about 'World of Warcraft'. For three whole chapters."

"Ok, I'm sorry. I feel your pain."

"Thank you."

"Still love me?"

"I guess. Okay, what's next? Ooh, let's do this one."

"What is it?"

"I'm an awesomely famous pop star, surrounded by the trapping of fame. But not, you know, drugs and stuff. Anyway, I miss my old school friends, so I come home."

"Uh huh." Jade had a feeling she knew where this was going. "And what am I?"

"You're..." Tori scrolled down and peered at the screen. "A downtrodden single mom with issues."

"Of course I am," Jade sighed in resignation. "What kind of issues? Wait - they're not the 'getting hit by a car' kind of issues are they? Please tell me I don't get hit by a car again."

"Um... no."

"Thank God for that. I've only just got out of that damned wheelchair."

"But I do land on you in my private helicopter."

"What?"

"Just kidding."

"You'd better be. So, where do we start?"

"I'm... Oh, here we go, I'm on a transatlantic flight from L.A. to New York."

"Right... Wait, how does that work? Does it go around the globe or something?"

"I don't know, I didn't write it. I think the writer's foreign or something."

"Well hadn't you better go pack?"

"I guess so..." Tori's shoulders sagged. "I'm so tired, Jade. Can't we just take a break? Who's going to know? It's not as if we're ever going to catch up, there are thousands of these things."

Jade looked at her for a moment. "I've got an idea," she said. She pulled out her phone.

"Who are you calling?"

"I know a guy." She dialled and paced up and down, waiting for an answer. "Come on, come on, pick up, you... Oh, hey, it's me. Look, I... don't give me that velly solly, chinese laundry crap, I know it's you, you little ratbag. Right, listen, I need a favor... What? You're damned right you owe me a favor, after that awful Power Play fiasco you put us through, I couldn't sit down for weeks... What? What happy ending? I'll give you a happy ending in a minute... no, not like that, you filthy... don't make me come over there! Right. Well? I'm waiting."

Tori and Jade sat peacefully with their feet up for the next hour in their cosy little apartment, doing absolutely nothing.

"It's a start. But why is our apartment so small?"

Tori and Jade sat peacefully with their feet up for the next hour or so in their medium-sized, modestly furnished apartment, doing nothing...

"Boring."

...Except maybe kissing. And stuff.

"Wow, thank you, Anais Nin."

Tori and Jade spent the next two hours making out in their rather nicely appointed apartment, which they found quite affordable even though neither of them ever worked a day in their lives.

"Be still, my beating heart. Is that the best you can do?"

Tori and Jade spent the next four hours going at it like rabbits in the wrought-iron king-sized bed of their unrealistically expensive apartment.

"I can't do four hours," Tori piped up. "I'll need to pee."

Right. Fine. Tori and Jade spent the next six hours in their fabulous luxury mansion, doing whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, including, but not limited to, making mad passionate love in a bed the size of a football field and peeing in a bathroom made entirely of gold and unicorn feathers. How's that? Happy now?

"Unicorns don't have feathers."

Don't push it, West. Or I'll have Max put you in his dungeon for real.

Jade grinned and killed the call. "So," she said. "How was it for you?"

"Mmmmm," Tori purred from the gigantic bed as she stretched, "that was amazing. Although the unicorn feathers were a bit itchy." She pulled back the black satin sheets. "Are you coming back to bed?" she said, seductively.

"You bet I am." Jade let her robe fall to the floor. "I'm... wait a minute... Where's the bed gone? And what are all these mops and buckets doing here? No, he wouldn't, would he? That little-"

Tori and Jade awoke from the strangest dream, and found themselves still in the janitor's closet. Jade pushed the Latina roughly up against the wall, her lips crashing extra hard into the other girl's, causing her to cry out in-

"Damn it, Sev!"