(This is an edited version of this chapter - I recently found out that ffnet deleted some of my italic and underlineds -.-)
So, this is the last chapter. Certainly not the best I've ever written…
Well.
I hope it still works for you.
Find My Way Back Home
Part IV: I'll never find my way back home
In a way, X-Mansion looks like it always did – huge, elegant, aloof.
In a way, it also looks so terribly different from what it used to look like for Erik – cosy, welcoming, a home.
He asked Vanisher to drop them off a little outside of what should be the reach of Charles' telepathy (or rather, what the scientists thought to be the reach), not wanting to drop in on the younger one, and with such a heavy burden at that.
The folder in his arms feels as if it weighs tons.
Every step he takes closer to the building is almost difficult, and he can see Raven – Mystique – fighting the same demons as she is walking next to him.
He is waiting for the familiar brush of Charles' mind against his, counting on the telepath to find out why they are here.
When the sensation fails to set in he grows nervous – even more than he already is.
"Did he… contact you?"
Mystique, it appears, is having similar thoughts as she worries her bottom lip, for she does not need to ask whether he is talking about the last weeks in general, or about right now.
Worried, she shakes her head. "No. I… not even a slight touch."
They exchange an alarmed glance, and then begin to run.
Logically, Erik knows that Charles' mind approached his just once during their flight to Paris, and only one more time in DC, when he controlled Erik after Mystique had taken him out. Logically, he realizes that Charles stayed away on purpose, most likely due to the many times Erik told him to stay out of his head.
This visit is not about logic, though, and both of them are way too worried already.
The telepath approaches neither of the two as they rush towards the large wooden door.
He is, however, waiting behind it; letting them in after Erik's sharp, frantic knock.
Mystique – Raven – arggh! – throws herself into his arms the moment she sees him, sobbing quietly as she clings to him, face hidden in his shirt.
Charles has wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.
His terribly, terribly blue eyes, however, are focused on something else-
…
They found the folder in Erik's hands.
The folder, which carries the logos of all three Projects.
He stares for a few moments, before averting his eyes and concentrating on his devastated sister instead.
The carefully blank mask Erik has almost gotten used to (and wishes never to see again) is firmly in place.
In an attempt to mitigate the heavy atmosphere he gulps, before asking: "Could we… go to your study?"
After a seemingly infinite moment of hesitation Charles nods, and – carefully – coaxes Raven (Mystique, goddamnit!) into letting go for moment, before making for said room; as they follow like puppies.
Hank catches up with them halfway there, apparently having been called telepathically.
It hurts Erik in ways he could not even explain that Charles is staying clear of his mind, but approaching Hank's. (This is, of course, his own fault – which does not make the damn thing any easier.)
The young man's eyes are dark with mistrust; however, he does not question their presence, or Charles' decision to let them in.
Quietly accepting the situation he reaches for Charles' wheelchair and pushes, so that the telepath can open the door.
The professor does not move to sit behind his desk, as Erik would have expected, but motions for them to join him around a small, elegant coffee table.
Silence falls then, and Hank is the one to speak up in the end.
"What're you doing here?"
Searching Charles' face for clues on what the younger one might want him to tell, and finding nothing, Erik sighs before putting the folder onto the table.
"We… spent the last year mixing up some facilities the locations of which I remembered. All were abandoned – all but the one in Cardiff."
Hank's eyes widen, alarmed.
Judging by the pain in them he knows very well what was done to Charles.
"What did you do?"
"We killed every human, took the mutants to a hideout, sacked good evidence, and burned the rest," Mystique explains aggressively.
To his complete and utter surprise, Erik sees no disappointment in Charles' still very guarded eyes.
No disapproval.
Only something that might be… satisfaction?
Peace?
"What do you know?" Hank disrupts the quiet moment, and Erik in turn breaks the intense eye contact.
"I read most of it," he admits, still feeling guilty about that. "I know, I shouldn't have. I just… I realized it was you Charles, you who meant so much to me and who I'd been such an asshole to, and I- … I wanted to know what they did, without ever really considering you might not want me to find out."
There is a tiny glint of understanding in the terribly blue eyes.
A little more certain, Erik continues: "Raven only saw the first page, then I stopped her. But… I told her about the… vocal chords." Raven (did he just call her that, too?) looks vaguely sick again, and he thinks that his own pallor might rival hers. "I figured that'd be easier for you… if you didn't have to tell her yourself."
There is definitely gratitude now.
Hank sighs, and his hands are clenched to angry fists.
"You probably know more than me, then."
Erik's expression must be murderous as he answers.
"You should be grateful for that."
"Believe me – I am," the young mutant immediately retorts. "It's just that… sometimes… I wish… I wish I knew better how to help Charles." The last words are barely more than a whisper, as if he did not want the telepath to know. (Which is, of course, completely futile.)
A tiny smile makes it onto Charles' lips as he reaches for Hank's fingers, and whatever he tells his friends must have been the right thing, for Hank relaxes a little.
Erik watches their silent exchange, and suddenly it hurts him even more that Charles' mind is still staying away from his.
"I'm sorry," he blurts out, then, and he realizes that now, finally, is the time to say all those things he has been burying all those years. "I'm sorry for so much – for shooting you, for paralyzing you, for dropping the stadium on you, for saying those terrible things about your students, and the Mutant Genome Project, and your not talking. I'm sorry for leaving you – twice. But, most of all I'm sorry for telling you to stay out of my head." He sinks to his knees then, in front of Charles' chair, and slowly – hesitantly – reaches for the younger one's hands.
When the telepath does not pull them away, but instead grips his own tightly, Erik feels himself grow more courageous.
"Please get into my head, Charles. Please talk to me. I… I had no idea I was telling you not to communicate at all when I said that. But even if you still had your vocal chords… even then I'd tell you to contact me. I… I didn't want you to look into my head, I was afraid of… of what you might find there. What you'd think of that. But… but I know now, that you'd never pry, that you'd never see things I didn't want you to. I trust you, Charles. Also… frankly, I don't care any longer if you learn those things."
Charles' smile, which has been growing during his monolog, is wide and quite dazzling now.
His terribly, beautifully blue eyes are wide open, and shining with unshed tears.
The telepath is staring at him, happiness unbound in his fine features, and then finally, finally Erik feels the younger one's mind approach his once again.
Thank you, my friend.
"This is nothing you should thank me for," Erik objects gravely, voice hoarse, but suspects his own smile might lighten up the room along with Charles'.
Indeed, there is nothing Charles should thank him for… but there are so many things he wishes the younger one might forgive him for.
I would say there is nothing to forgive, suddenly resounds in his mind, and he is quite startled but that, of course, would be a lie. You know me so very well, Erik… what you apologized the most profusely for, was really what hurt me most. You are, however, forgiven. I wish you would not have found out, though.
"I'm very happy I found out, although it's gruesome," Erik basically growls. After all, it made me come here – finally. "They deserved to be killed!"
When Charles offers no disagreement he is surprised indeed, but thinks he should have expected that.
Pacifist or no, they tortured the telepath, and while the younger one certainly is soft and sweet and peace-loving he is also fierce, burning with fires many others could never imagine.
Thank you, vibrates against his mind, and it sounds almost amused.
Erik realizes then that the younger one is still rather withdrawn – that he had to lock up his emotions in order to make it through the labs, and what must have come afterwards, even remotely sane.
It will be his pleasure, Erik thinks, to make Charles an emotional, outgoing man once more.
What trickles into his mind then, is clearly – however weak – anticipation.
The afternoon passes quickly after that.
Charles takes turns conversing with Hank, Raven and Erik, who all take care to give their answers aloud. They manage to make him offer ghosts of smiles, and sometimes even reals ones, multiple times, and all of them are quite proud of that accomplishment.
Charles, of course, is well aware of their pride (and, maybe, that even convinces him to release another tiny smile).
When it grows late and neither Raven nor Erik make any moves to leave Hank goes and prepares their old rooms as if it were a given, and when Erik stays after the others go to bed Charles does not even seem to be surprised.
He does, however, offer him another real wide smile as Erik sets up the chessboard.
Just like in old times, then?
No. We're making this new times… new memories, Erik immediately corrects him, giving the younger one a tiny smile of his own as he resolves that – now that they are alone – there is no reason to keep speaking aloud.
We will, Charles agrees then, eyes a little guarded once more. Erik… what are you planning on doing?
His insecurity vibrates against Erik's mind, and the older one begins to understand why the telepath might have found it necessary to almost completely suppress his emotions.
There is no way to hide anything if your minds are touching.
Staying – if you let me, he answers calmly. Maybe I can even bring the others here? Don't get me wrong – we will keep mixing up Trask's labs. It's about time someone does that. However… we might… consider… doing things your way. At least a little.
The mixture of real amusement and relief that makes it through then is rather startling.
You are always welcome here, Charles answers warmly, eyes on Erik instead of the board. So is everyone who needs my help. Also… While I'd rather you expose those scientists than kill them, I agree with you on the matter that the government is not about to really do something about those labs. Otherwise, you wouldn't have found anything in Cardiff. That this precise facility was still active rather speaks for new funds… anyway, I do see the necessity if we want to save our brothers and sisters. No one… no one should have to suffer what I had to go through!
He looks so lost and agonized then, that Erik abandons his chair and wraps his arms around the younger one instead.
Charles buries face in the crook of Erik's neck and clings to him, shaking.
I… I feel terrible for thinking that, but in some sick way I'm really grateful that you killed them. It's just…
Even his thoughts sound like sobs.
"You couldn't move on," Erik finishes the sentence, even as he sends a forceful It's not you who's sick towards the other.
They're silent for a few minutes then, and the older one makes sure not to let go of his tormented friend even for a moment.
I… I'd even beg you to come back, and stay with me, Charles admits then, and raises his tear-stained face to look at him. So… if it's Trasks' labs you're busting, I won't even try to stop you. Just… promise me not to hurt anyone more than absolutely necessary?
I promise, Erik immediately replies, trying to supress the thought that they better never discuss what 'necessary' would entail, for they definitely have different opinions on that.
Judging by the short flash of amusement he receives Charles caught the though anyway.
He does not comment on it, though.
They focus on their game, then, only exchanging short jokes and banter.
Charles, it seems, has not lost his humour, even if he is still smiling very little, and trying very hard to keep his emotions to himself.
Erik, in the meantime, is doing the exact opposite – he almost throws his own emotions at Charles, wanting the younger one to know what he is feeling.
Also, his patience is dwindling rapidly.
"Would you… tell me about it?" he finally asks, eyes on the knight the younger one is currently moving. You don't have to of course. It's just that… I wish to know what happened; if only to be more angry on your behalf.
A strange mixture of sad amusement and resolve reaches him, and Charles fixes his eyes on the board as well.
Will you… content yourself with the short version?
If you tell me the full version some other time.
A short moment of hesitation.
Then-
I will. If you stay.
I will, Erik repeats the younger one's words, smiling a little.
He is not planning to leave again.
Ever.
I… alright. I… they captured me. I had wiped Moira's memory, but not as thoroughly as I should have – I figured no one would ask her for details. Never did I expect that they would torture her to spill what little she remembered. His eyes are shining angrily in his pale face. She was… also kept at Cardiff. Somehow, they found out what I looked like, and when I went to Oxford to give a lecture… they kidnapped me on my way home. Knocked me right out, and when I woke up I was in chains and without my powers. You saw their machines… I had no way to make them let me leave. The experiments that followed…
He gulps, and closes his eyes.
Erik reaches for his hands, the game long forgotten.
Clinging to the older one, Charles finds the strength to continue.
It was all more or less bearable… until they took out my vocal chords. They didn't even… drug me. I felt everything.
Eyes fixed on the crude scar at Charles neck – and why is it he sees it only now? – Erik fights the urge to jump to his feet and be sick, and then storm off and kill someone, slowly and painfully, before declaring war on human kind.
In that order.
I was… made go through a lot of tests, then. They still had Moira, and they threatened to kill her if I did not do what they told me. So… they allowed me use of a tiny portion of my powers, and made me communicate with them. I… I learned how to communicate with barely any of my abilities at my disposal, how to link the minds of a group of people so that they could hear what the others said, and how to keep my emotions from coming through the link. In a way, they were to me who Shaw was to you. They tortured me, but I learned so much from them.
The comparison makes Erik want to scream with rage.
There is no one he would wish to meet someone to do to them what Shaw did to him.
In the end, that was their mistake. My control… became finer and finer, and then I managed to grab hold of all of my powers as they were regulating them when I woke up from unconsciousness. It was raw and brutal and hurt like hell, but I managed to force my mind into the scientist's before he could supress it strongly enough, and then made him free me and Moira. We made it out with the help of my powers, and I made an old Lady living close by call Hank and tell him to pick me up in Dublin. Then I wiped Moira's memories once again – all of them this time – and dropped her off at a local hospital, before sneaking on board of a ferry that took me to Ireland. I couldn't… I wasn't strong enough to look after both of us, he immediately explains, trying to defend himself.
Of course not, Erik replies. That was probably for the best, anyway… nothing she can tell now.
Charles' wonderful blue eyes are filled with guilt, but he nods anyway.
Erik stares at him for a few whole moments, the younger one being lost in his cruel memories, before making a snap decision.
"You told me this, no matter how hard it was for you," he thus says quickly, to keep himself from changing his mind again. "It's my turn to be honest. I… Charles, I think it's time you properly got into my head, and looked into what I was trying to keep you away from all this time."
Deep blue eyes are shining with surprise as Charles looks at Erik, the former pain almost gone.
Are you sure?
Very much so.
His trepidation, Erik is convinced, makes it through. But so does his wish for Charles to finally know.
The younger one's now open eyes drill into his own as his mind approaches Erik's who suddenly realizes that Charles does no longer raise his fingers to his temples.
Then-
…
Charles smiling at me – bliss… Charles' arms wrapped around me, his mind against mine for the first time as he makes me let go of the submarine – warmth… Charles sitting in a wheelchair – guilt… I miss Charles – sadness… Charles buried underneath half a stadium – more guilt… I'm never going to hear Charles' voice again – pain… a bullet in Charles' back – even more guilt… Charles' name on a page in a folder – shock… details of the experiments performed on Charles – fury, agony, hatred… I wish I could see Charles again – sadness… I have to see Charles again – fear… Charles' beautifully terribly blue eyes locked with mine – love… Charles' first real smile since I turned up here – love… Charles' face hidden in my shirt, my arms around him – love… Charles feeling bad for getting into my head to communicate – pain, love… Charles telling me about his time in the lab – hurt, anger pain furyagonyhatredlove-
Charles' beautifully, terribly blue eyes are wide when he slowly re-emerges from Erik's mind.
I… had no idea…
Erik's smile is rather lopsided.
That was the plan.
Charles is looking a little lost then, and Erik thinks it might have been a mistake – not telling him in general, but telling him already. It might be too much to handle after everything that happened-
The younger one, however, proves once again that he is stronger than everyone thinks him to be.
You… promise to stay?
"I do." I'm never letting you go again. Not after you forgave me for all the mistakes I made… not after I finally admitted to myself what you mean to me, he adds silently.
Charles' smile is honest then – honest and wide and real and happy.
I'll hold you to that.
FIN