Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. A few lines are adapted or taken from the Buffy episode "After Life", as well.
Author's Notes: Woah, the fourth chapter already! I'm moving pretty quickly, haha. Anyway, enjoy, and please review!
"Nothing's changed," said Dean in the morning. Sam looked up, startled.
"Changed with what?" Dean sort of gave a half-shrug, not looking at Sam.
"Everything changed for me." Sam looked down at the floor, unsure whether to bring the issue up or not. He decided to throw caution to the winds and ask.
"You…you remember what it was like?" Dean nodded.
"Every single second," he whispered. There was a wistful look in his eyes that Sam would have identified as longing, had he not known better.
"Was it horrible?" Sam asked. Dean didn't respond, and Sam realized that he had pushed it too far. "I'm sorry, if…if you don't want to talk about it." There was no answer from Dean.
"Where's Bobby?"
"He, uh, left. Because you were, you know…" Sam trailed off. Dean seemed to have no reaction his words. "He—he'll come right back, I'll call him." Dean frowned.
"What…"
"What?" asked Sam. Dean seemed to be drifting in and out of attention. He gave a little shudder and snapped out of it again.
"Oh…What, um…will you say to him?" Sam shook his head.
"I don't know."
It turned out that Sam didn't really have a need to figure out what to say to Bobby—he showed up unexpectedly at the motel a few hours later.He stopped dead upon seeing Dean, but then considering what John had done for Dean and what in turn Dean had done for Sam, he realized that he shouldn't have been surprised. The Winchesters just couldn't live without each other. Sam explained about the mystical death rule, of which Bobby was a bit skeptical, but he didn't argue. Bobby had been doing a lot of non-arguing since Dean's death. He did notice that Dean was pretty out of it, however, and he questioned Sam about this when Dean was out of the room.
"Did you screw it up?" he fired at Sam. Sam swallowed.
"No!"
"He's broken, Sam." Sam shook his head violently, refusing to believe that his always stable older brother was anything but strong.
"He's not broken. He's probably disoriented from being in Hell. I mean it's like…we don't even know how much time has passed for him! Probably years. That's just not something you get over." He paused, realizing something else. "Oh, my God. What if he never gets over it?" Bobby narrowed his eyes.
"And you think of this now."
"What are you saying? That maybe he's not right, or—or dangerous?" asked Sam, unable to hide the worry in his voice. Bobby shook his head.
"I don't know, Sam. That's something we're going to have to find out. When Dean brought you back, he was worried that you might not be a hundred percent…you. But I'm pretty sure you turned out okay."
"This was different! This was a spell, this was…" Sam collapsed onto the bed, putting his head in his hands. "I hope I didn't screw this up."
"Me too," said Bobby. But then Dean came out of the bathroom, and they stopped talking.
---
"Sam, would you excuse us? I want to talk to Dean. Alone." Sam frowned.
"No problem," he said nervously, and exited the room with a worried glance back at his brother. Once Sam was gone, Bobby sat in front of Dean on the bed.
"Are you all right?" he asked. Dean nodded.
"Doing better."
"Good. Look, Dean, if you're in pain, or if there's anything I can do for you, you just let me know, all right?" Dean looked down at his lap.
"You can't."
"Well I haven't been to hell as of late, but…"
"I was happy," interrupted Dean. Bobby looked at him in confusion.
"What?"
"Wherever I was. I was happy. At peace." Bobby continued to stare at him, shocked.
"I knew that Sammy was all right, I knew it," Dean continued. "Time…didn't mean anything, nothing had form…but I was still me, you know?" He glanced at Bobby, and then back at the ground. "And I was warm, and I was loved, and, and I was finished. Complete. I served my purpose on this earth. I don't know anything about theology or dimensions, or any of it really, but…" He looked up, tears in his eyes. "I think I was in heaven."
"Oh, my God," Bobby intoned.
"And now I'm not." Dean's voice was beginning to break, and it was becoming difficult to keep the tears at bay. "I was torn out of there. Pulled out, by my brother." He swallowed and let a single tear trickle down his cheek. "Everything here is harsh, and bright, and violent. Everything I see, everything I touch…this is hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that…knowing what I've lost…" He blinked, seeming to realize that Bobby was still there, and then he stood up. "He can never know, Bobby. Never."