Chapter 4 – The Loudest Voice in the Room

"Living with anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all your insecurities and uses them against you. It gets to the point when it's the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear."

~Hayley Greenwood

Benji knocked softly on the door and received no answer. He shifted uncomfortably on his feet, trying to decide what to do. Chloe appeared then, walking out of the bathroom. "Hi, Benji," she said, smiling brightly at him.

"Hey – hi," he said, looking between her and the door.

"Oh," Chloe said, understanding. "You should just go in," she said, before pursing her lips. He reached for the handle and then pulled back. Chloe opened the door and gave Benji a slight shove, propelling him inside. He stumbled, then turned to look at her almost gratefully.

"Thanks," he said.

Chloe nodded and continued walking toward the stairs. Benji gently closed the door and turned back to the room where Emily was curled up in her bed.

"Emily?" He said softly. She jumped at hearing his voice, sitting up quickly.

"You shouldn't be here," she stammered, eyes wide.

He stepped back, face falling. "I'll go. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know how sorry I am about your mom –"

"No!" Emily cried, stopping him as he turned to go. "No, it's not that I don't want you here," she said, eyes filling with tears. "You just shouldn't be here. You have your own life. And work. And – other people." She folded into herself, bringing her knees up and resting her head against them.

Benji sat next to her and patted her on the back. "I don't need to be anywhere else but here," he said sincerely. She cried harder, but allowed him to pull her closer. She crumpled into his lap, sobbing hard. He rubbed her back and smoothed her hair, trying to think of something decent to say. There was nothing. So he was quiet and kept up his ministrations. Eventually, she was calmer. She sat up and blew her nose and went to the bathroom to wash her face. When she returned, she looked him in the eye.

"You're still here."

"I'm not going anywhere," he promised. She nodded, biting her lip.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," she said, shaking her head and moving her hands to rub her temples.

"Do you want me to go so you can sleep? I'll come back first thing – "

"No." She sat on the bed again.

"We can just sit here," he said calmly. She reached toward her nightstand and picked up a book. She handed him The Hobbit and his eyes lit up.

"You read it?"

"Started," Emily told him.

"You want to read?" She nodded. Benji kicked off his shoes and moved to the head of the bed. Emily situated herself beside him, leaning against his side. He picked up where she and Beca had left off. He read to her for almost two hours until he realized she was asleep. He nudged her gently and realized that she was completely zonked out. Marking their page, he carefully lay her under the covers and edged himself out. Softly pressing a kiss to her forehead, he picked up his shoes before moving to the door.

Downstairs, he walked into a living room occupied by Beca, Stacie, Chloe, and Jesse. Benji set his shoes by the door and walked over to the sofa, taking a seat next to Stacie.

"How's she doing?" Beca asked, her head resting against her hand. He saw his own concern mirrored in her navy blue eyes.

"Sleeping," Benji said. "I think for the night."

"It was good that you came," Chloe told him with a soft smile.

"I wasn't sure," Benji admitted. "I'm breaking my own rules."

"For an exceedingly good reason," Jesse said, roughly patting him on the back as he walked into the kitchen. He returned with his own coffee cup refilled, a cup for Benji, and the teapot to refill Beca's cup. Benji accepted his cup of coffee.

He looked around the room slowly. "Other than this, how is everyone?"

"Almost finished with my residency!" Stacie told him with a grin. Then it faded. "Then I need to do my internship."

"What's that entail?" Jesse asked.

"Same as residency," she said with a sigh. "But with more responsibility. But within the next two years, I will be officially able to practice without supervision."

"That seems quick," Jesse said, frowning at her. "Isn't there, like more time involved?"

"I was working on my medical degree at Emory while I was here at Barton," Stacie told him. "I went a thoroughly non-traditional route." She offered him a wink.

"Where are you going to practice?" Chloe asked.

"Not sure yet," Stacie said, picking lint from her yoga pants. "LA is nice."

"You will soon have quality company there," Beca informed her with knowing smirk.

"I know! If the hunter wasn't so active, I would so invite you to room with me," she responded with her own sultry smile.

"I think it's safer if I have my own place," Beca assured her. She looked at Chloe. "And I may not have my own place. We haven't really talked about it yet," she said, her voice trailing off.

"We have plenty of time for that," Chloe assured her, reaching for her hand. Jesse and Benji both looked surprised at the move, but said nothing. "Beca received a recording contract with DJ Khaled's label."

"I'm aware of that amazing fact," Jesse said with a grin. "And I've filled in Benji, obviously."

"That's exciting," Benji said.

"It's terrifying," Beca responded with a laugh. "But I'm looking forward to it." They spoke well into the night about their current lives – all in flux, all with limitless potential. Eventually, the yawning started.

"Do you need help with anything tomorrow?" Benji asked. Beca shook her head.

"No, thanks. The plans are all made. People are traveling tomorrow – if they need to travel. The viewings are Thursday – 1-4 and 6-9."

"That's a long day," Jesse remarked.

"One long crappy day seemed better than two shorter crappy days."

"You're not wrong," he said. "We're gonna go to the hotel. But call if you need anything – and we'll stop by tomorrow to check in." They hugged goodbye – Beca even allowed it willingly, which was unusual for her. She clung to Jesse for just a moment longer than was normal.

"We need to talk," he whispered to her. She nodded. Once they were gone, Chloe, Beca, and Stacie said their goodnights and went to bed. Beca checked on Emily first and then got ready for bed. When she crawled under the covers, Chloe flipped out the light.

She scooted close to Beca and put an arm around her. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay," she answered honestly. "You?"

"I'm good," Chloe promised. She kissed Beca's forehead and allowed her fingers to wander. She felt Beca stiffen when she gently grazed the size of her breast and stopped. "Come here," she said, physically flipping Beca so she was the little spoon, pulled firmly against Chloe's front. The smaller woman's heart fluttered, then she calmed down.

"You are seriously too strong for my own good," Beca informed her in a whisper.

"Noticing that?" Chloe whispered teasingly into her ear. She felt the smaller woman shiver. "I promise to only use it for good." She pressed a kiss at the nape of Beca's neck and relaxed. "Good night, Becs.

"Good night, Chloe." Despite her racing mind, Beca found herself lulled to sleep fairly quickly. It helped that she had no option but to remain where she was.

Wednesday crawled. No one knew what to do. The current Bellas went to class and even had a practice – but the visiting Bellas were going stir crazy. Until around one when Beca received a text message from one of the women who had gone with them to Copenhagen. She showed it to Chloe and Stacie, who smiled. Benji stayed with Emily while they rounded up the Bellas – new and old – and handed out a few sheets of music. They planned for two hours before parting ways.

They didn't need to be awake early on Thursday, but they were. When Beca went to check on Emily before 8AM, the younger woman was already awake and crying. Beca sat next to her and rubbed her back. "Oh, honey," she said softly, not knowing that to do. "I'm so sorry." The morning crept along. It took much longer than usual to get everyone ready. Girls running around looking for tights, stockings, sweaters, necklaces. Beca focused on herself and Emily.

Around eleven, Beca finished deftly crafting a waterfall braid and curled the rest of Emily's hair. The younger woman allowed her to do it, but did not speak with her. She hadn't spoken much that morning. Beca was finishing with the last curl when someone knocked on the door. She spritzed Emily's hair with finishing spray and walked over to open the door. Tears threatened when she saw Benji standing on the other side. He was just always so sincere that his emotions were almost painful. He was so, so sad for Emily and worried about her. Beca offered him a small, sad smile. He returned it with one of his own. Beca stepped aside, letting him in.

"We need her downstairs in thirty minutes," Beca whispered to him. He nodded and she left, closing the door. In her own borrowed room, she wiped away tears before changing into her black dress and slipping into silk stockings. Chloe, who had returned from the bathroom, appreciated that show a bit too much. Beca looked up to realize that the redhead was staring at her and blushed. "Don't you have anything else to do but stare?"

"This is much better," Chloe informed her. "You look beautiful."

Beca blushed, then shook her head slightly. "I look like a raccoon," she informed her, going to the mirror and gently touching the bags under her eyes. She could fix them well enough – but with makeup that might run if she cried. She did the best she could with what she had in waterproof versions. Eyeliner, mascara, light foundation and blush. After she finished her lipstick, she turned to see that Chloe had also finished her makeup. It was subtle, as it should be for the occasion, but it made her eyes pop.

They grabbed purses and walked together to the living room, where Stacie and many of the Bellas were already waiting. Beca saw the gathered crowd and shook her head. "Yeah, this isn't going to work," she said decisively. "This is overwhelming. You guys need to head to the funeral home now – only those of you driving with Emily need to wait – and that only includes me and Chloe." She paused, looking at the room full of people not moving. "Go," she said more forcefully, making a shooing motion. Stacie smiled and sauntered past, grabbing Jesse's arm. Once they walked out the door, everyone else did too.

Cynthia Rose, who had just arrived that morning, stopped long enough to hug Beca. Aubrey, who had also arrived that morning and spent most of it with Chloe feeding the Bellas, looking unhappy to be dismissed. She looked about to argue – but then she met Beca's eyes – and stopped. She greeted the small brunette with a hug and followed the rest. Emily descended the stairs ten minutes later, her arm in Benji's.

Emily was allowed a private viewing before the official one. And since she had no interest in seeing her mother this way for the first time in front of so many people, she took advantage. They entered the funeral home and the director caught her just inside the front door.

"Hi," she said softly. "Everything is all set. What do you need?"

Emily shook her head. There was nothing that could make this moment ok. She let go of Benji's arm and followed the funeral director through a hallway and into a small room. It would be opened to a larger room very soon – but right now, it contained little more than a few flower arrangements and a coffin. Beca and Benji both stayed back, not knowing what to do. Emily had let go and walked ahead on her own, so she might have wanted that moment. They and Chloe watched as she stopped in front of her mother's coffin.

Her expression crumpled immediately and her hand came up to cover her mouth to muffle a cry none of them had heard before. Benji caught her before she fell, lowering them both to the kneeler. Beca and Chloe stepped in closer, both kneeling as well. Beca put a hand on Emily's back and rubbed gently, feeling her eyes grow wet. The weight of the moment – of the situation – was suffocating. Emily's emotions rolled from her like boulders and Beca felt like each one was hitting her square on. She felt her breath quicken and her chest tighten. She shut her eyes and willed herself to calm down. She struggled to control her breathing and it only took Chloe a moment to realize something was wrong. She pulled Beca up and out of the small room, into the hallway. She studied her, hands clutching Beca's arms loosely.

"Honey, you're not breathing right. You need to slow down." Beca nodded. She slid down to the floor, doing breathing exercises as the tightness in her chest battled to win. She didn't realize Chloe had disappeared until there was another figure kneeling before her. Stacie was trying to get her attention. She could hear them – but it was cloudy – muffled.

"It's a panic attack," Stacie told Chloe.

"She doesn't have panic attacks," Chloe argued.

"Uh-huh," Stacie replied non-committedly. "Can you go and get an icepack? I'm sure they have them somewhere. Can't be the first panic attack in the funeral home." Chloe reluctantly left and Stacie sat next to Beca and took her hand, squeezing it gently and then releasing it again. She calmly, quietly, walked Beca through breathing exercises, squeezing her hand on the intake and letting go on the exhale. It took Beca's frazzled mind a moment to catch on, but she did – breathing when instructed. Her eyes were closed and she relaxed more heavily against the wall.

Chloe returned with two icepacks and Jesse. "Honey, you're gonna be fine," Stacie assured her. "But Emily is about to come out of this door and she can't see you like this. Jesse's going to pick you up, okay?"

Beca nodded listlessly. Jesse did as he was told, lifting her bridal style and carrying her to a room one of the employees had opened upon seeing their conundrum. It was a small carpeted office. There was no furniture other than hard chairs and a desk. At Stacie's direction, Jesse placed her carefully back on the floor, against a wall. Stacie knelt next to her again, reminding her to breathe. She looked up at Chloe.

"I've got this. I know you want to be here – but Emily needs you right now." Chloe reluctantly left with Jesse. Once the door was closed, Stacie guided Beca to lie down and placed a rolled icepack under her neck. She took the other and worked it under Beca's dress – to rest under the base of her spine. Her breathing evened out after a few more minutes of gentle reminders.

The fog began to lift soon after and Stacie watched as her friend's glazed look was replaced with a freshly panicked one. She tried to sit up quickly, but was stopped by a hand on her abdomen. Stacie was leaning over her. "Calm down," she said softly. "Do not get up yet. If you're not careful, it's going to start again." Beca remained where she was and continued breathing. After another ten minutes, she spoke.

"How much did Emily see?"

"Nothing," Stacie assured her.

"Is she okay?"

"Benji and Chloe are with her. I'm sure she's as fine as she's going to get today. How are you feeling?"

"Chloe," she said in a whispered sigh, her cheeks reddening. "Oh, god—"

"It's fine," Stacie reassured her. "You have every reason to be overwhelmed today. It's surprising it hadn't happened before this."

"I'm excellent at hiding them," Beca said bleakly. "They're not usually this bad."

"I know," the other woman answered. "And that, my friend, is what we call a sign. You need to talk to someone."

"I can't talk about this right now," she said softly.

"To be continued, then," Stacie said with resigned sigh.

"I need to get up."

Stacie removed the hand that was mostly pinning Beca to the ground and instead helped her sit. Beca grimaced as her head swam. Fifteen minutes and three ibuprofen later, Beca was walking into the viewing room. It had been opened to the larger audience. Emily was sitting to the left of the coffin with Benji at her side and Chloe standing just behind her. Classmates, Bellas, Trebles, professors, community members, coworkers – dozens of people who had been touched by Katherine or Emily – or both – had gathered to pay their respects.

Beca and Stacie walked up to Jesse, who was watching from one of the corners.

"You okay?"

Beca nodded curtly. "Can we not talk about it?"

"It is what we do best," Jesse responded under his breath. But he ran a reassuring hand up and down her back. After being in the room for a few moments and acclimating herself to the fact that she was surrounded by so many overemotional people, Beca made her way to Chloe's side.

"I'm so sorry," Beca whispered.

"Are you okay?" Chloe asked. Beca nodded stiffly. "We need to talk about this later." Another nod. Beca remained next to Chloe, standing guard behind Emily and Benji. A line formed as each person viewed Katherine, prayed, whatever they needed to do, then moved to speak with Emily.

Emily nodded and offered weak smiles. She spoke occasionally. She didn't cry much. The first time was when a family she'd spent most of college babysitting for showed up. It was towards the end of the first viewing and the kids had probably just come from school. The mother was teary eyed and offered the usual condolences.

The two little girls – one about four and one about six – stood close to Emily and leaned in, almost in her lap. "I'm sorry your mom died," the six-year-old said. "It's really sad." Emily nodded. "But it's kind of cool that your mom is in heaven."

"Gracie!" Her mom said, softly but in a tone of admonishment.

"It's okay," Emily assured her. She looked at Gracie. "I guess, in a way, it is kind of cool, huh?" The little girl nodded.

"Memaw said the more people who love you from heaven, the more people there are to be angels and protect you."

"She sounds like a very smart memaw," Emily told her. "Thank you, Gracie." She hugged both little girls and they scampered away.

"I am so sorry," the mother said, clearly embarrassed.

"It's really okay," Emily said, wiping her eyes. "The way she meant it – that's all that's important. Thank you, for bringing them." The woman nodded and squeezed Emily's hand before following her girls out. Within ten minutes, the room cleared out. It was 4:30 – they had an hour and a half before the funeral home opened the doors again. Only Emily, Benji, Beca, Chloe, Jesse, and Stacie remained in the main room.

Beca broke away from them and found the nearest ladies room. She washed her face and touched up her makeup – which had done exceedingly well through a panic attack. She smoothed her curls and walked back into the hallway, where Chloe was waiting, leaning against a wall.

"Hi," Beca said softly.

"Hi," Chloe responded, moving closer. She pulled Beca into a hug and held her there for a long moment. When she let go, she still retained one of Beca's hands. "That was not your first panic attack," she said, as though informing Beca instead of asking.

"No," Beca admitted.

"That was not the first of your panic attacks that Stacie has witnessed."

"No," she agreed.

"Jesse?"

"He knew," Beca said with a nod.

"How long?"

Beca shrugged. "As long as I can remember. The panic attacks started when I was 11."

"What else don't I know?"

"A lot," Beca responded, turning to face Chloe and meet her, eye-to-eye. Her voice rose as anger edged into her exhaustion. "And I was honest about that. I told you I was a mess. I can't apologize for something I can't help."

"I don't want you to apologize," Chloe said. "I want you to tell me things," she said, drawing out the words to emphasize them. Beca cast her eyes down. "Why do you keep things from me? I am supposed to be your best friend."

"You are!" Beca cried. "And I need you to be you – cheerful and sunny and – Chloe-like. I can't deal if you start worrying about me all the time. I just – I can't be looked at like a porcelain doll."

"I have always worried about you," Chloe said gruffly. "And I have never treated you that way. So cut the crap. Why haven't you told me?"

Beca spun around, throwing her head back and sighing. She paced for a moment before stopping in front of Chloe again. "It's harder when people know. I hide it a lot better when they don't know. My dad – it's the reason he's so overbearing sometimes. It's the reason Stacie like – watches me all the time. I can't deal with you being different too. I don't want you to see the anxiety when you look at me."

"I don't," Chloe said calmly. She moved closer and lifted a hand to cup Beca's jaw. "I see someone who is incredibly strong. More than I knew before. How hard it must be – to keep this bottled up inside all the time."

"It's fine," Beca insisted, trying to cast her eyes downward.

"No, it's not," Chloe said firmly, forcing their eyes to meet. "But that's clearly a conversation for another day." They stayed together for another few minutes, standing silently in the hallway, Chloe with her arms around Beca.

After the viewing, those from out of town came to the Bella house for a dinner. Jessica and Ashley rushed around, putting out food that had been given by friends, neighbors, and professors. Sheila, who along with Beca's dad had been invited to join them, helped. She looked unsettled and Beca knew she sensed something – but Beca did what she was best at – and avoided being alone enough with her step-mother to have any type of conversation.

By ten that evening, Emily was ensconced in her bedroom with Benji. Most everyone else was gone. Those few who remained helped clean and were sitting around with drinks, talking about things that people only truly spoke about deeply when intoxicated. Jesse handed Beca a bottle and she accepted it, smiling in thanks.

She looked around her and her eyes darted to all of the people who were still surrounding them. Jesse used his own bottle of beer to point toward the side door. Beca started walking and he followed close behind. She sighed in relief as she stepped into the cool evening. "There are way too many people in there," she told him.

"Yeah," he agreed. "Kind of glad Benji and I ended up in a hotel instead of trying to crash at the Treble House."

"That, and the Treble house is probably gross," she said, wrinkling her nose.

"You're not wrong," he agreed. "It's hard to get a group of college aged guys to do chores." They wandered towards the driveway that saw between the two houses and stood under the light of the moon. "So, panic attack?"

"We're not talking about it."

"No, no," he agreed facetiously, "we wouldn't want to have a possibly productive conversation. What about you and Chloe?"

"What about it?" She asked defensively.

"How did it happen?" He asked, his voice mellowing, deescalating the tone.

Beca shrugged and shook her head slightly. "I honestly don't know what else to tell you. It just happened. Kind of weird, actually." Jesse barked out a laugh and Beca looked slightly startled.

"Becs, that is not something that just happened. It's been happening for years. You can just see it now. Welcome to the world the rest of us live in," he said, making a toast motion towards her with his beer bottle.

"It has not."

"You were in more of a relationship with Chloe senior year than you were with me," he teased.

"And you didn't think to mention it? Or be bothered by it?"

Jesse shrugged. "I'm an easy-going guy. Seriously, Becs – I'm happy for you."

"Thank you," she said in a small voice. "But I don't know what this means. I don't know what this looks like."

"It looks like the same way you've been living for the past seven years – except maybe – hopefully – minus as much Amy," he said, "and plus some bedroom action." She gave him a look of irritation and walked away a few steps, running the fingers of her free hand through her hair. "So, how do you feel about the bedroom?"

"I'm not talking to you about this," she said, shaking her head furiously and pacing back past him to the other side of the drive.

"Who are you going to talk to about this? Because, Bec, Chloe is eventually going to notice being constantly rebuffed in the bedroom."

Beca made a pained-expression. "It can take her a while to catch on sometimes, right? I should have some time. Maybe." He gave her a sympathetic grimace. "Oh god," she muttered, walking and running fingers through her hair. She stopped and let out a deep breath. "I think," she said, turning towards him, "I mean – it'll be fine – right? It can't possibly be as bad as it was. It's been years since I tried."

He offered her a sad look that made her huff. "Bec, this is the kind of thing that doesn't usually get better until you get help for it. I don't know what's going on. I'm not a doctor. Maybe you just weren't into me – and with Chloe, it will be completely different."

"Fuck," she muttered. He couldn't hear much, but he heard the words, "when we tried," and "Stacie tried."

"You slept with Stacie?" He asked, his eyes lighting up in both amusement and curiosity.

"Kind of," Beca said, making a face and throwing her hands up in the air. "As much as I've slept with anyone. It got a little further – but then it got bad again."

Jesse stepped in her path of pacing and put his hands out, catching her shoulders gently. She looked up at him. "Hey. This is surmountable. But you've gotta be honest with Chloe. Either you need to get it checked out and figure out how to get past whatever it is – or, if you're not going to do anything – she needs to know that."

She squinted at him, pained expression fixed. "Were you miserable, when we were together?"

"No," he said, laughing at the idea. "No, Becs. I love you. And I always will. I was never miserable – I loved the time we spent together." He paused and his voice edged a bit higher. "But I also had blue balls a lot. And I mean, a lot. Because in addition to not sleeping with me, you were hot. It was a difficult state of being for a college guy. But I made it work. Lots of – alone time."

"Gross," she said, wrinkling her nose.

He laughed. "It's not like I made you watch. Seriously, Becs. It's going to be fine. But only if you're upfront about it." She groaned and finished her beer, setting the bottle on the wall next to the drive.

"I'm going to take a walk. I can't go in like this," she said, shaking her hands out.

"You actually look fine," Jesse told her. She held out her hand. It tremored. "Or maybe you should go for a walk. I'll go with—"

"I need time to clear my head."

"And it's almost midnight. So, you clear your head while I walk next to you, saying nothing."

"Fine," she muttered. Thankful for the flats Chloe had convinced her to change into, she began walking the circuit. She took them all the way around the pond – more than a half-mile. When they reached the drive again, he looked down at her.

"You okay?"

She nodded. "Thanks," she said, reaching to squeeze his hand. "You are my favorite ex-boyfriend, you know that, right?"

He smiled and brought her in for a hug. "I also believe I'm your only official ex-boyfriend," he told her. "But I'll take it. Love you, Becs."

"Love you, weirdo." She paused and smiled at him. "Hey, how's Heather?" Beca asked, trying not to intone the name in any way. She failed and it came off a little pointed.

Jesse laughed. "I never understood why you didn't like her. I knew you weren't jealous."

"She's fine," Beca said flatly. "She's just not – interesting."

"Well, we broke up," he said, smiling at her.

"Oh, dude. I'm sorry."

He shrugged. "It's no big. She was kind of a gold digger."

"A boring gold digger," Beca agreed. "Not at all subtle or imaginative." She frowned and raised her brows. "What about the cat? Was there a custody dispute?"

"I let her keep him," he said. "Because I am a gentleman." He took a sip of beer. "And I fucking hate cats," he muttered. Beca laughed and leaned on him, snuggling against his side.

"You deserve better than her. Aim higher."

"I did," he said, eyes cast down at her. "I'll have to try again with a new target."

"When I get to Hollywood, maybe I can find you someone. Actually, screw that. Chloe can find you someone. She lives for this kind of stuff." They both admitted they were freezing and decided to go in.

They walked back into the house together to find that Benji was the only remaining person who wasn't sleeping at the Bella House that night. Chloe was watching, Beca realized, as she hugged him goodbye. She bid Jesse a terse goodnight and he and Benji left together.

The small brunette smiled as she approached her girlfriend. "Being jealous of Jesse is beyond unnecessary. He's totally team Chloe." Chloe's expression softened.

"Well, he's always had good taste." Beca laughed and pecked her on the lips. "Where's Em? What up?"

"Everything is cleaned up, most of the girls are in their own rooms. Emily is pretending to sleep, I think. Benji only left her about five minutes ago. Stacie is upstairs, in bed already."

Beca nodded. Chloe picked up her hand and grimaced. "You're frozen."

"It's a little colder outside than anticipated," Beca told her. "I think I'm going to make a cup of tea. Want one?"

"I'll make it," Chloe offered. "You check on Emily and get ready for bed. It's been a long day."

"So fucking long," Beca muttered, before breaking away from her and walking to the stairs.

Thank you for reading! Please take a moment to leave a review. This was a difficult chapter to write - I would love to have feedback on it.