I hide away until at least mid morning with my guilt churning inside me. I wish Glorfindel was here. I would confess to my bad behaviour and he would listen, quietly, then he would tell me what to do. All I want to know is what to do. But he is not here, he is far away in Imladris and I am on my own.
I know I am better than this, better than my behaviour last night suggests. I will not give in to this, I will not let it define me. I must find Legolas and apologise once again, attempt to explain myself if he will hear me. I have my doubts about that and I am uncertain how to explain what I do not understand myself. So I go to his room although it takes a considerable amount of willpower to do so, but he is not there.
I go straight to Arwen in a panic, a panic that trebles when I discover he is not with her either. She has not seen him since breakfast. Strangely she is all lightness and calm towards me when I had expected her disapproval at the least, a fury at worst, Arwen is a frightening sight when angry. From this I can only conclude Legolas has not told her of my treatment of him. I wonder why?
We begin to search the palace and then when we have no luck, the surroundings. Luckily for us a blonde elf prince in a city of Men is noticeable and it is not long until I am told he has been sighted on the training fields. Why is he there...of all places?
He is alone at the targets with his bow, attempting and failing to shoot. By Legolas's standards it is an appalling display of archery. He looks ferocious, no wonder the men steer clear of him. I am not that keen to approach him myself, but still I must. I swallow my irritation at having been dragged out here. He is ruining the hours of work I have spent on his shoulder and that annoys me but I must keep my cool at all costs and I divert myself by concentrating on removing all animosity from my voice as I draw near. I will not let it show I tell myself, I will keep it all inside. My voice when I speak is light, at least I hope it is.
"I do not remember your healer telling you this was appropriate exercise Legolas!" I call.
He turns to face me and I brace myself for the onslaught.
It does not come.
"I cannot do it." He says simply and drops his bow to the ground. He is forlorn.
The sight of his dejection tears at my heart. I need to give comfort, a reassuring touch at least but that would be unwelcome and inappropriate after last night. I end up hovering and uncertain. I will have to use words and as far as Legolas is concerned my words always let me down.
"It is too soon," I say gently. "Much too soon for this Legolas, give yourself a chance."
"I was restless," he runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "Usually the bow will relax me, give me focus but..." He trails off and turns away from me, stalking down towards the targets to collect the wild scattering of arrows strewn across the ground.
I follow. I have come here to make things right, to apologise, and I am determined to see it through.
"I need to speak with you about last night...my words..." I begin. This is so hard, I must consider every word I speak and as a result I sound halting and unsure.
He turns to me once again and briefly I see a glimpse of pain in his eyes before he lowers them to the ground. He doesn't look at me.
"I needed to hear that." He says, "It was helpful." It is an almost grudging thanks and I am confused.
"I have always had a problem with my pride." He continues, his back to me now. "It is my weakness. I have thought long and hard about what you had to say and I will act on it."
I stand there completely bewildered. This is not right, it is not how things should be and not what I wanted, certainly not what I expected. What do I do now? I try again to put this right.
"But I..."
The words are hardly out of my mouth when he turns on me, eyes flashing with sudden anger. This is more like it. This is more what I expected to face today.
"What is it you want? Do I need to get down on my knees before you? I HEARD you Elladan. I have wronged Aragorn and I know it. I will attempt to make it up to him, you have my word. I understand I am not perfect...I understand..." He takes a breath to calm himself before he continues,
"I understand I had lost control...of my mind. This is not easy. Can you not just LEAVE it! Leave it alone for once. How many more points must you score?"
I am aghast, and completely at a loss. I can think of no way to fix this, no way to communicate my distress to him without making it all so much worse.
He has walked away from me, back to his bow and I stand and watch while my head spins, trying to make sense of my options. What should I do next? I remember he said he was restless and with a flash of inspiration I know where I should take him. We have spent long years together, albeit reluctantly, in my brothers company and I am not totally devoid of any understanding of him.
He turns away from me as I approach but I persist.
"Legolas, I know something that will ease your mind, come with me, come into the city with me."
I reach out and grab hold of his arm so he cannot walk away yet again. Suddenly I am filled with the crystal clear knowledge this is exactly the right thing to do. Such a relief after days of doubting myself and my decisions.
He attempts to pull away but I hold firm.
"I am not welcome there." He snaps at me.
But under my fingers which rest upon his wrist I can feel the racing of his pulse and I know...he is terrified, this is just an excuse.
I drop my voice low for I know he will not wish this to be overheard, not that there is any chance of that, the overawed Men give us a wide berth.
"Fight against the fear Legolas," I say. "Do not give them power over you, they are not worth it. They are not worthy of being the dust under your feet. This is Estel's city not theirs. Reclaim it for him, reclaim it for yourself."
We are locked into a stare and I see the struggle within him reflected in his eyes. Is what I am asking of him too much?
"I will be with you." I say by way of comfort even though I know it is highly unlikely he would find my presence to be comforting at all.
He mutters something under his breath that I do not catch.
"What was that?" I ask. I know it is probably something about my pedigree, something less than complimentary but I am curious nonetheless.
"I said," he says with exaggerated clarity, "Why has Elrohir never told me that you are so often right?"
Before I can stop myself I laugh and it is a complete surprise. I had not expected to be laughing today but he is funny!
"That is because," I say "Elrohir has not managed to learn that yet. You are miles ahead of him."
The smile I receive in return is a small one, barely there, but I take it as a victory.
The walk into the city is tense and silent. At first I try my hand at small talk as a way of distraction but soon give that up as Legolas at best could only be described as monosyllabic. He radiates anxiety and wariness, eyes darting constantly in every direction. He is a wood elf on alert. He sees danger on every corner. Estel's people watch us with a mixture of awe and deference but I know Legolas sees only accusation. The accusations he hurls at himself reflected in their eyes. I walk beside him so we are shoulder to shoulder. I am his shield. No one gets to him unless through me.
I take us via the markets foolishly hoping the colour and life there might interest him and relax him but I know as soon as we arrive that it is a mistake. Too many people, sometimes I am an idiot. I can sense his fear and discomfort as they jostle us from side to side. He is surrounded by a sea of Men, could I have chosen anywhere worse?
It is with relief I spot a stall laden with cakes and sweet pastries. I know he has a sweet tooth, perhaps this will distract him? I drag him over through the crowds.
"Legolas, how about something to eat?"
He looks at me as if I have lost my mind, as if to say "How on earth can I eat anything here?" But he humours me and puruses the sweet treats with care and deliberation. The old woman behind the stall stares at him silently as he does so. He takes so long I begin to feel the beginnings of irritation. How hard can it be to choose a cake? Does he do this just to annoy me? In my heart however I know this is just a delaying tactic, delaying the moment when we step back into the throng.
At last he makes a choice holding it out to the woman as he fumbles in his pocket for coin. She takes it from him almost with reverence placing it carefully in a bag but then follows it with another, and another, five, six, seven and more cakes end up in the bag. All the ones he has been paying particular attention to. She has watched him closely. He looks startled as she pushes the bag into his hands,
"For you, my Lord, for your trouble." she says and he does not understand but tries to hand her his coins and she refuses them adamantly.
"That is not necessary." And she moves away towards another customer giving him no chance to protest.
He looks at me in confusion,
"I did not ask for these, I have not paid for these"
"She does not want you to." I say gently.
He is like a child standing there staring at the bag of cakes in his hand, bewildered.
"Why did she do that?"
"Because you are loved by her King. Because her people have wronged you, she is ashamed and this is the only way she has to make recompense. It is how they all feel Legolas, I know you can not see it but it is true."
It might be my imagination but he seems a little calmer, a little less on edge as we leave and he holds that bag as if it were a trophy. In my head I thank that old woman from the bottom of my heart. I think I may have done the right thing today, I have helped him. It is a good feeling.
The stables are to be our final destination. I know enough about Legolas to know the animals will help him. He realises where we are going long before we get there and the change is dramatic.
"We head for the stables," he says to me with excitement. "I had thought of coming here but..." He doesn't finish but I know what it was he was thinking, it was too far away, to deep into the city, too much to achieve on his own. I should have done this earlier, I think to myself. I should have put more effort in to thinking how to help him.
He begins to race ahead, all eagerness, and I have to double my speed to keep pace with him. By the time we arrive he is prancing as if he was one of the animals we go to visit and heads straight to his own horse shoving his bag of cakes at me as he goes. They are forgotten in his happiness to be here.
I do not follow him. I will leave him alone, give him time away from me. We have done quite well this morning to get here without incident. I think it may well be the longest time we have ever spent together by choice. I will not push our luck.
I spend some time with the stableboys, learning the gossip and then settle down in a corner where I help myself to one of Legolas's cakes. He has so many he will not miss one surely and I am hungry. It is an hour, maybe two, when I am disturbed by a commotion and curiosity drags me outside. Two war horses have arrived and they are causing more than a little trouble to the boys responsible for their care. They are spirited and have obviously travelled far and been ridden hard. I know immediately who's horses these are. Elrohir's and Estel's and I know exactly what that means.
My brothers have returned.
My watch over Legolas is at an end.