Hello, everyone! Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and are ready for a brand new episode of Disney Villain Island!
Today's challenge is brought to you courtesy of binditheskunk...thank you! Enjoy!
Last time, on Disney Villain Island...the villains were put to the test to see how well they know other Disney movies. Many failed spectacularly, but none so much as our own muscleheaded hunter Gaston, who became the second baddie to take a stroll down the Dock of Shame. Who will be the next to join the list of losers? Find out now, on DISNEY...VILLAIN...ISLAND!
It was barely dawn. The villains were all asleep. Suddenly, there was a loud blast over the loudspeaker. The villains all jumped and fell out of their beds. "Good morning, villains!" Chris announced. "Head into the mess hall for breakfast and to get your next challenge!"
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Hades: Seriously? Just, SERIOUSLY? Does this McLean putz have somethin' against gettin' a good night's sleep or what?
The villains all gathered in the mess hall for the usual nauseating cuisine. After a bit, Chris went to the front of the hall. "Today's challenge is all about getting in touch with your inner softies...or preventing yourself from that. It's the crying challenge!"
"The crying challenge?" Scar repeated the name. "That sounds like the name of a ridiculously girly reality show!"
"That's the basic idea, my feline friend," Chris replied. "Your challenge is to go as long as you can without crying. The one who makes it the longest without shedding a single tear wins invincibility. The rest will have to pick who's going home."
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Maleficent: Chris DOES know that we're VILLAINS, right? By nature, we don't cry.
Gothel: This is going to be easy! I've never cried a day in my life!
"To start off the crying challenge, I thought it would be nice to have a little mood music while you enjoy your breakfast," Chris announced. With that, he put a CD into a nearby CD player and turned it on. Immediately, the song "Baby Mine" from Dumbo started playing.
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Tremaine: THAT IS UNFAIR! Playing the world's saddest song while we eat! McLean, you are one dirty snake!
By the end of the song, both Tremaine and Gothel were blubbering like babies. Everyone else, amazingly, had remained completely dry-eyed throughout the entire song. "Looks like Tremaine and Gothel are both out," Chris announced.
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Jafar: Women. So typically emotional.
Tremaine: (still crying) I can't help it! That stupid song reminds me too much of Anastasia and Drizella! Girls, if you're watching this, Mommy loves you both so much!
Gothel: Oh, why did it have to be THAT song? Rapunzel, I hope you can forgive me! I love you, my little flower!
Later on, the remaining villains were ushered to the ampitheater. Chris was waiting for them.
"What's this all about, McLean?" Ratigan asked.
Chris grinned. "I thought since you guys survived the "Baby Mine" round, you deserved a little movie time. Roll it, Chef!" Chef nodded and turned on the movie projector. The title flashed onscreen: SADDEST SCENES IN DISNEY HISTORY.
"Oh crap," came the unified response from the villains.
The first scene was from The Lion King, after Scar pushed Mufasa off the cliff and into the wildebeest herd. Upon watching little Simba discover his father's dead body, a few of the villains began to cry.
"Oh God, that is so sad!" Facilier wept.
"Scar, you bastard!" Jafar yelled at the lion. "How could you do something so horrible to your own nephew?!" Scar just rolled his eyes.
"Big deal, make his corpse into a coat," Cruella sighed. That earned her a slap from Grimhilde, who was too choked up to talk. "WHAT?"
The next scene was from Bambi, in which Bambi's mother was shot by human hunters and he was looking for her. Both Ratigan and Scar started crying at the same time.
"Poor little Bambi! All alone without his mother!" Scar howled.
"Why do humans have to be such bastards?!" Ratigan asked hysterically.
"HEY!" came the response from Chris, Chef and all the human villains.
"Well, you ARE!" Ratigan defended his previous statement. "Hunting animals just for sport! At least we animals only hunt because we need to eat!"
The humans all looked at one another. "Yeah, rodent dude's got a point," Chef finally spoke up.
The final scene was from Beauty and the Beast, where Beast was dying in Belle's arms. By the end of the scene, all the villains except for Cruella, Maleficent and Frollo were crying.
"How exactly is watching a bunch of animals dying supposed to make us sad?" Cruella asked. "I say just make them all into coats! That way, you're not wasting such beautiful fur!"
SPLAT! Ratigan responded to Cruella's comment by pushing her into a nearby mud puddle. Cruella screamed when she saw she was covered in thick slippery muck. "You wretched sewer rat! Just look what you've done to my beautiful new coat! You...you BEAST!" She burst out crying, earning herself several stares from the others.
"Well, looks like Cruella's out of the game now, too," Chris commented. He shook his head. "Sad. Just sad."
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Cruella: That stupid Ratigan is going to pay for ruining my coat! I ought to poison him, drown him, AND bash him in the head and make his pelt into a coat...but rat fur is just so DISGUSTING! (cries)
"Well, we're down to our final two non-criers," Chris announced, indicating Maleficent and Frollo. "And to celebrate, I thought I'd do a little dramatic reading." He took out his laptop.
"What are you reading that requires a computer?" Frollo asked.
Chris smirked. "Oh, I'll be reading a little fanfic entitled...My Little Dashie."
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Hades: Oh ho ho, McLean you sly dog!
And so Chris began to read the infamous My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfic about a man adopting a young Rainbow Dash and their times together. By the end, Maleficent was sobbing like a baby...and Frollo was completely stonefaced.
"For God's sake, woman, it's a fictitious story!" Frollo scolded the crying fairy.
"BUT IT'S SO SAD!" Maleficent wept.
Frollo shook his head. "I'll never understand what it is about females and ponies."
"And with that, Frollo wins the crying challenge!" Chris announced. "As part of winning, you get invincibility AND...a brand new Corvette!" The judge's face lit up. "Nah, kidding, you win a lifetime's supply of Kleenex!"
"What a stupid prize," Frollo mumbled to himself.
"The rest of you, go vote for who you want to see take a cruise on the Boat of Losers!" Chris told the losing villains.
That night, the eleven villains gathered at the Losers' Circle. Chris stood in front of them with a bowl of black licorice.
"Ten pieces of black licorice...ten villains who are safe tonight. When I call your name, come and get your licorice. Scar...Grimhilde...Ursula...Jafar...Ratigan...Hades...Gothel...Maleficent...Facilier." The called villains received their licorice. All that was left was Tremaine and Cruella, who was still a mess of mud.
"You two are the last contestants left on the chopping block. I have one last piece of licorice. Tonight's final licorice goes to...Tremaine. Cruella, you're out of here."
"WHAT?!" Cruella exploded. "WHY?!"
"Because crying over a muddy coat is just plain lame," Chris replied. "Now off with you!"
Cruella growled and shot an angry glance at Ratigan. "This is YOUR fault, you disgusting animal! I'm going to MURDER you!" She lunged at the rodent professor, but was grabbed by Chef and dragged down the Dock of Shame and tossed onto the Boat of Losers. "Don't think this is over! I WILL GET YOU, YOU STUPID VERMIN!"
Hades chuckled and patted Ratigan's shoulder. "Way to go, Ratti, you just pissed off one of the biggest psychos in Disney history. If I were you, I'd start sleepin' with one eye open." Ratigan gulped.
Chris smiled at the camera. "And so ends another exciting day here at Camp Wawanakwa! Is Frollo a horrible monster for not crying once? Will Cruella get revenge on Ratigan for getting her coat dirty? Find out next time, on DISNEY...VILLAIN...ISLAND!"
And so we say goodbye to the fiendish fashionista. While I think that Cruella is a great villain, as a proud dog owner myself I can't help but hate that bitch's guts...IF YOU EVER COME NEAR MY PUPPY, I'LL FREAKING KILL YOU, YOU HEINOUS BROAD!
When I wrote the part where Cruella called Ratigan a "beast," I just chuckled my butt off (for those of you who don't get the joke, Ratigan's supervising animator, Glen Keane, also acted as supervising animator for the Beast, as well as for such classic Disney characters as Ariel from The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas, Tarzan, and most recently Rapunzel from Tangled.) Hats off to you, Mr. Keane!
Well, folks, this is the point where no matter who I kick off, I'm going to end up pissing at least one reader off, but PLEASE no hater comments! All hater comments will be deleted ASAP!
Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for the next episode!
All my best, DiscordantPrincess.