Oops
Belongs to JKR
"Silence" Dumbledore thundered
The room wisely obeyed him,
"Severus has confessed his mistakes to us in good faith something he could have very well hid from all the people present. It took great courage to reveal those secrets, I would ask all of you to look deep within to find the same courage to accept his confession"
Black looked like he was going to burst.
"Albus ? Accept ? He hasn't even apologized to us for his crimes, he should be in the Wizengamot"
"I didn't know you were a judge Black, they must be getting desperate and I owe you nothing" Severus sneered
"Don't push me Snivellus" Black growled
"Enough both of you" Dumbledore said firmly.
He turned to Severus.
"Severus would you kindly leave the room for a moment, I think it's best if we discuss this without risk of….any more outbursts"
Though Severus deeply resented the idea he was getting sent off like a child he knew that Dumbledore was his best last hope of getting them to accept his actions without being thrown out.
"Of course" He said with as much cordiality as possible.
He went upstairs and the various rooms before finding an empty one with four beds he took a seat and tried to relax, however a jolt of pain from his Dark Mark told him that wasn't in the cards tonight. He rolled up his sleeve and massaged it, even though that had no effect. He wanted to take a swig from his flask but he'd divided his doses up in three hour intervals and he couldn't have one until six thirty.
"I hope it hurts" a voice said hoarsely from the doorway.
Severus looked up to see Alice Longbottom staring at him with angry red rimmed eyes. He thought about telling her off, but considering the facts he'd just revealed about himself thought better of it.
"Don't worry it does" Severus said quietly
He waited for her to leave but instead she stood at the door obviously waiting for him to say something to her.
She wants an apology ? Too bad I don't owe her one. I only owe Lily one, she was the reason I've done all of this anyways though as of now she probably hates me more than before. But it couldn't hurt to make my case to one of the Order members.
"I didn't know what the Prophecy meant at the time Mrs. Longbottom. I just needed something to give to the Dark Lord"
So my son's life could be at risk right now because you wanted to please your master ?" She spit back harshly
"I didn't even take it seriously, how many prophecies do you hear crouched outside a door ?. I didn't expect him to believe it anymore than I did" Severus shouted.
"What did you expect him to do ?" Alice said with trepidation
"I have no idea, I thought perhaps nothing. Maybe some research into it, I certainly never expected him to take it to heart so easily. And I did not think he would even consider murdering your child"
Alice barked a harsh unladylike laugh.
"Wait ? You want me to believe you actually thought a monster like him would a spare a child ? After what he's done ?"
That gave Severus thought about what he'd been ordered to do and what kind of things he'd done for the sake of his former master. But they were against adults who had a chance of fighting against him not a child.
"I thought we were better than that" Severus muttered
"Better than that ?!" Alice shrieked. "Don't you know what your group does to human beings ? Oh wait of course you do cause you're a murderer as well"
That hit a nerve against Severus. He hadn't joined just for murder and death. He joined because he was a Slytherin and he wanted knowledge and power. But the biggest reason (Though Severus would never admit it to himself) was that he wanted to belong to something that offered him kinship. Something he'd had with Lily, than lost and something he'd never had at home.
"No! We were supposed to be better than that, we were supposed to change to the world." Severus said weakly. Distinctly remembering his reasons for joining and the ideas that Rosier, Mulciber and Avery prodded him with.
"Into this ?" Alice waved her hand around
"No into something better, something worthwhile a place where Wizards would be judged by their skill, not by some corrupt Ministry. A place where people like Potter and his Marauders wouldn't be able to bully with impunity while people like me got swept under the rug"
"Oh spare me your self pity, I remember you fought back against James and Sirius, You were no defenseless victim. I remember you started just as many fights with them as they did with you"
"Oh yes two against one how very fair" Sev said drily
"Ok, let's forget that. What about the Muggleborns, where did they fit into your grand new order ? Where did Lily fit ?"
"I-"
"Or the ones at school ? The ones you, the poor helpless boy, watched get bullied by your friends ?"
"That was different ! They were-"
"They were what ? Muggleborns ?"
"Just-"
But Alice wouldn't give up she pressed on with her tirade, now nose to nose with Severus.
"You were no better than James and Sirius so stop pretending otherwise."
Severus quivered with rage, briefly contemplating pushing the woman away and leaving. But she had gotten under his skin for some reason and now he for some reason felt an undeniable urge to defend himself.
I'm nothing like Potter and Black, I never tried to kill one of them though I contemplated it. And those kids I bullied…..Well they were just…Mudbloods ?. Merlin I never really believed any of the stuff they said about Muggleborns well maybe one or two things I just… played along.
When he said nothing Alice smiled nastily
"Exactly" And turned to leave, however before she left Severus called out.
"Wait, You are right" Those words stopped Alice for a moment she turned back to look at him.
"I..I never liked Muggles or Muggleborns for….personal reasons but hate them ? No. I never hated them I just tried to fit in with my house like everybody does. The people I killed, the ones I told you about I didn't kill them because they were Muggleborns, I killed them because for the new order, not that that's better. By the time I joined, my housemates had fanned my dislike of Muggleborns into a hatred and….."
"And what ?" Questioned Alice who didn't have so much of an angry look.
" I don't know, I thought maybe that the price of a new world order was worth the death of a few…Mudbloods. But….."
"But what ?" Alice pressed on impatiently.
"Things changed" Severus said vaguely
"What kind of things ?"
"I saw that some men in my organization were far worse than any Muggleborn"
Alice looked as if she wanted to press the issue but saw something on Severus's face that made her hesitate.
Indeed Severus had seen more atrocities committed by his fellow Death Eaters than any one man should. Ironically because many of these crimes were committed against Muggleborns. Severus felt pity for them in fact it was after seeing a woman under Crucio for three hours straight that Severus began to wonder if he really belonged. He had originally planned on leaving and hiding in Spain or maybe Africa but Voldemort gave him one last job to do which led to him spying on Dumbledore and eventually the situation he was in now.
"So you already had doubts before you delivered the Prophecy ?" She asked
"Yes"
"Were you planning on coming to Dumbledore ?"
No
"Yes"
Alice looked around the room and then back at Severus as if trying to decipher something. He sighed and said.
"Mrs. Longbottom I am truly sorry for delivering that prophecy and not a day goes by that I don't regret it"
Though not for her. For Lily, only for Lily.
"And if it's any consolation if I'm not killed by my old colleagues or by your present ones I'll get a railway trial through the Wizengamot and a Dementor's Kiss"
After he finished something seemed to flicker behind Alice's eyes before she said.
"They won't kill you they're good men"
Severus resisted the urge to roll his eyes or snort.
"Hmpf" Was all he could muster
She stared at him again, this time directly into his eyes, he noticed hers were a pretty hazel color.
"You're a….trying man" She said but with weariness, this time actually walking out the door.
Severus sat there for a while attempting to digest the conversation he just had with Alice.
Either I've made an ally or a hated enemy
Eventually a cough broke him out of his funk. He turned to see Lily staring at him from the doorway. Neither of them said anything for a moment before Severus broke the silence with.
"Mrs. Potter" He said with as much dignified neutrality as he could muster.
"Severus" She glared back at him
"How long have you been listening ?" He queried tonlessly
"Long enough"
"Shouldn't you be downstairs ?" He tried changing the subject
"Shouldn't you ?" She challenged back
"I don't think I'd be welcome as you are" Severus muttered darkly which sent the conversation into a slight silence.
"Why'd you do it ?" Lily burst out.
"Do what Mrs. Potter ?" He asked respectfully
"Save James."
"Do we really have the time for this ?" Severus asked
"If what we had ever meant anything to you, the least you can give me is a few answers" Lily said in a barely controlled voice
"I always pay my debts"
"What ?" Lily said with confusion
"You asked me why I did it. I always pay my debts" Severus lied partly
"You did it for the life debt" She said disbelievingly
"Yes"
"That's all ?"
"No."
"Why else ? "
Severus paused for a moment again. Wondering how he could phrase this.
"I did it for you Mrs. Potter, for what we had"
The hardness in Lily's eyes seemed to dissipate,
"It's Lily you git" She said with a sigh.
"Of course Lily" Severus kept a straight face but inside he was jumping for joy.
"Thank you for helping him, he won't admit it, but he's grateful" Lily said quietly
Severus chose not to respond as she continued.
"But what you did with Voldemort, the Prophecy-" Severus winced at the mention of both, but mostly due to his Dark Mark. Lily evidently noticed.
"Severus ? What's wrong ?"
"It's nothing Lily. Please continue."
"It's your Dark Mark isn't it ?" She said knowingly
"Yes" He managed to choke out as another wave of pain hit him over again. He fumbled for his flask and managed to take a swig before he blacked out.
Lily's green eyes reflected her twin feelings of revulsion and pity that was felt for Severus. Something he was used to on both counts, from her and from others.
"I'm sorry" She looked like she meant it
"Don't be. I made my choices Lily."
"Severus I…..I want to say I'm grateful for what you did for James and for turning but some of your other actions I'm…..I'm not so sure I could forgive that"
The words cut him more deeply than he would ever want to or care to admit.
"I understand Lily. And I want you to know how truly sorry I am for doing this to you, if I could take it back I would."
Lily nodded her head and put her hand on his Dark Mark. And for a split second Severus could've sworn the pain went away.
"I know you would Severus, and I never said I wouldn't forgive you. I just can't do it yet" She looked back toward the door and the main hall where the arguing went on. "I'll try to put in a good word for you"
And with that she departed leaving Severus with his pain and hope. Something that seemed to be trend when it came to Lily.