Next Morning
The villa was trashed, indescribably so. Steve woke up facedown on the tile floor, his face in a little pool of blood. He groaned loudly as he stood up, his head was pounding while he took in his surroundings. Is that a chicken? Why is there a chicken in the villa? He wondered as he stared at the white hen, it's beady eyes staring right at him. Steve glanced over his own body, his shirt was bloody and sweaty, his pants ripped. What the hell, ow my head, he thought while he groaned out loud for a second time. Steve walked over to the lazy boy and collapsed into it with another groan.
Thor meanwhile was pulling himself up from behind the bar, his jeans and boxers nowhere in sight. As he tried to stand he tumbled over backwards with a crash. Steve watched him emotionlessly as the Asgardian struggled to pull himself back to his feet. Once up again, Thor walked down the hall passed where Tony lay on the floor wrapped in blankets, and went into the bathroom. Steve was focusing on trying to massage the pain out of his head when he heard the God shout as he dashed back out of the bathroom and promptly tripped over Stark's sleeping form, his foot colliding with Tony's ribs.
"Jeez, control yourself man! Clumsy alien." Tony grumbled, still half asleep lying on his chest, wrapped in blankets. "Damn, would you put on some pants."
"DO NOT GO INTO THE BATHROOM!" Thor bellowed from where he sat on the floor, he had huge bloody claw marks along his thigh.
"Just calm down, please." Tony said tiredly as he rolled over onto his back and held his head, wincing from the sound of Thor's voice.
"THERE IS AN ANGRY BEAST IN THE BATHROOM!" Thor yelled again.
"What's going on?" Steve groaned from the lazy boy, he'd only been partly listening. His head was pounding hard. Would it kill them to shut up? He thought irritably.
"THERE'S A FEROCIOUS BEAST IN THE BATHROOM!" Thor yelled for a third time.
"Okay, okay, I'll check it out." Tony grumbled as he stood up, wearing only his jeans, his arc reactor glowed gently from his chest.
"BE CAREFUL MAN OF IRON!" Thor shouted as Tony opened the bathroom door.
"OH FUCK," Tony exclaimed as he promptly slammed the door "he's not kidding there's fucking a tiger in there." He directed his statement to Steve.
"No there isn't." The super soldier groaned as he held his head. Why was he so tired, and why did his head hurt so much, wasn't the super soldier serum supposed to ward off this sort of thing. How much did I drink last night, he wondered.
"YES!" Thor yelled, "IT IS GIGANTIC."
"You okay buddy?" Tony asked as he walked over to Steve.
"Not really." He replied honestly.
"God damn, look at this place." Tony said as he glanced at the disaster around him.
"I know." Steve said.
"HOW DID THAT BEAST GET INTO THE BATHROOM!" Thor bellowed still unnerved by the creature, which was obviously only native to Midgard.
"Hey, you should really put something on those wounds. And would it kill you to put on some pants?" Tony asked "I find it a little weird I have to ask twice." Thor muttered to himself and went to find his clothing.
"What the fuck happened last night?" Tony asked as he sat down on the sofa. Steve ran his tongue around his mouth, why did his mouth feel so weird.
"Hey, Tony, am I missing a tooth?" Steve asked as he opened his mouth for Stark to look.
"Holy shit." Tony said as he started laughing. Steve quickly grabbed a mirror from the table and looked into his mouth where, sure enough, a tooth had been removed.
"Oh my God." Steve said, a mixture of shock and horror coming over his face.
"Don't worry, the look totally suits you." Tony joked through his laughter. "It's fine, don't worry about it." Tony said while Steve stared horrified by his reflection in the mirror.
"Thor! Go wake up Clint, lets get some coffee before housekeeping shows up." Tony said as Thor walked back in, fully dressed.
"The man of arrows is not here." Thor replied.
"Did you check all the rooms?" Tony asked.
"Yes, and his mattress is gone."
"He probably went to the pool to get something to eat." Stark said as he reached into his pocket for his phone. "Lets call him on his cell." A cellphone started ringing near Thor, who promptly answered it.
"Hello?" Thor said.
"Thor." Tony replied from the other line.
"Hello Man of Iron." Thor said as he hung up. "This would appear to be Clint's phone."
"No shit." Tony mumbled unenthused. The three went silent as a baby cried from the next room.
"What was that." Steve said dropping the mirror and looking at Tony with half terrified and half accusing eyes. He stood up quickly, the others following him. They walked over to a linen closet and opened the door to find a baby in a car seat.
"Who's fucking baby is that?" Tony asked.
"Thor, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in this suite?" Steve asked, putting aside his own pain for the moment, how did we end up with a kid in our closet, how does that even happen.
"I checked all the rooms, I saw no one." He replied. Steve leaned over and tried to comfort the crying child.
"We don't have time for this." Tony grumbled. "Come on, we'll go hook up with Clint and deal with the baby later."
"Tony, we're not going to leave the baby in the room. There's a tiger in the bathroom." Steve said irritably as he gently picked the baby up and held him against his chest.
"It's not our baby." Stark mumbled.
"What would Pepper think if she heard you say that?" Steve threatened, thinking of the ring Tony had shown them the night before.
"Alright, fine, we'll take it with us." Tony said, giving in as he walked back to his room to grab a new shirt.
It was an awkward elevator ride down to the main floor. Thor held the baby protectively in his big arms singing an old Asgardian lullaby to him, a bit of blood had seeped through the bandages he'd placed on his thigh and was starting to show through his pants. Steve held a piece of toilet paper to his still bleeding gums while Tony leaned against the back wall, trying to get the pounding in his head to stop.
"Why can't we remember a thing from last night?" Steve asked.
"Because we obviously had a great fucking time." Tony replied. "Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute."
"I don't know Tony, maybe it's because I'm missing a tooth." The super soldier replied irritably. "Or maybe it's because there's a tiger in our hotel room. Which, incidentally is completely destroyed. Oh, maybe it's because we found a baby, a human baby. That's it, that's definitely it." Steve didn't like to lose his cool, but this entire situation was horrible, and there was Stark treating it like some big joke.
When they arrived at the pool Thor and Tony went to get a table and order breakfast while Steve searched the area for Clint.
"I looked everywhere." Steve said as he returned to the table. "Gym, casino nobody's seen Clint, he's not here." Steve sighed as he sat at the table, his mouth still hurt and his head was still pounding, but it was more of a background noise than anything. Maybe the serum's helping numb the affects, He thought to himself.
"He's fine, he's a grown man. An assassin for crying out loud." Tony replied. "Seriously, Steve, you've gotta calm down. Here have some juice." He said as he passed the Captain a glass of orange juice. Steve promptly threw up. He'd never been hung-over before, even with the serum his body wasn't handling the experience particularly well.
"Okay, come on, let's just track this thing." Stark said, a disgusted look on his face as he handed a bunch of napkins to the Captain before taking one for himself along with a pen. "What's the last thing you remember doing last night?"
"First we were on the roof." Thor offered.
"Then we had dinner." Tony added as he started writing. "Right?"
"Yes, that is correct." Thor said.
"I don't even remember going to dinner." Steve groaned, gagging slightly at the sour taste in his mouth.
"I know, what the fuck, I don't think I've ever been this hung-over." Tony said as he leaned back into his chair.
"We remember up to 10pm, so that gives us a twelve hour window where we could have lost Clint." Tony reasoned as he looked at his small list.
"What is this?" Thor said as he grabbed something out of his pants pocket.
"Oh my God, that's my tooth!" Steve exclaimed as he reached for it. "Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets?"
"No, that's a good idea. Check your pockets." Tony said as he started fishing through his pants. After searching through their pockets for a minute Steve pulled out a receipt.
"I have an atm machine receipt. 11:05 for 800 dollars!" Steve said
"I have a valet ticket from the hotel, 5:15am" Thor offered.
"Oh, shit, we drove last night." Tony groaned as he pressed his face into his hands, Pepper was definitely going to kill him. Thor laughed slightly. Steve sighed deeply slowly massaging his forehead as he leaned back into his chair.
"What is on your arm?" Thor asked Tony, indicating a yellow band around his wrist.
"What the fuck?" Tony said as he noticed it as well.
"Tony, you were in the hospital last night." Steve said, worried.
"I guess so, yeah." Tony said still looking at the bracelet he didn't remember having.
"Are you alright?" Thor asked while he distractedly bounced the baby on his knee, the opposite leg from the tiger scratches.
"Yeah, Thor, I'm fine." Tony growled back.
"What the hell is going on." Steve wondered out loud.
"Steve, this is a good thing. We have a lead now." Tony said, indicating his wrist.
They finished breakfast then headed over to the valet, and waited for him to bring the car back.
"Guys." Steve said, as he pointed up to the roof. They all looked up to see a mattress hanging from a statue.
"Is that not the mattress from Clint's room?" Thor asked.
"What the fuck." Tony grumbled. "Hey, what's going on." Tony asked one of the other guys watching security try and remove the mattress.
"Some asshole threw it out of his hotel window last night." The man offered.
"No shit." Tony replied.
"Some guys just can't handle Vegas." The man added before walking over to his car and getting in.
"It's gonna be fine Steve." Tony said seeing the way the capsicle groaned and ran his fingers nervously through his messy blonde hair.
"How did we manage that?" Tony wondered aloud staring at the mattress. The valet returned, this time driving a cop car.
"Here's your car officers." The valet said.
"Oh God." Steve groaned.
"Alright, everybody act cool." Tony whispered, "Don't say a word, let's just get in and go." He said as he thanked the valet and slipped into the drivers seat. Steve took shotgun while Thor and the infant squeezed into the back.
"This is so illegal." Steve said as they waited in traffic. "Fury is going kill us when he finds out."
"Can't you see the fun part in anything." Tony asked as he drank his coffee from the hotel.
"Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back seat which part of this is fun?" Steve retorted.
"The cop car is certainly cool." Thor added from the back.
"Thank you, Thor, it is cool." Tony said. "Clint would love it." Tony slammed his fist down onto the horn angrily, his patience with the other drivers wearing thin. When he'd finally had enough he turned on the sirens and drove onto the sidewalk, despite the avid protesting by Steve. Tony drove the car down the sidewalk yelling at pedestrians to get out of his way while he bypassed the traffic. Steve alternated between yelling at Tony to stop and yelling his apologies to the pedestrians.