(AN: So this chapter will be more of a filler thing to check on what's happening to the other residents of the mansion in the week where Ness and Lucas ate all the food – I doubt my mother ever had that sentence in her mind when she envisioned my future as a baby – and yes ohkaylasun, that does mean the sleeping situation. Read on to find out more! Also, the Wolf/Pit section (the first one, for people who can't read the "MEANWHILE" headers) has Wolf in it, so that alone might bump the rating up a bit. If you're a slash fic reader who doesn't like sexy times or proto-sexy times, you can just skip that.)
CHAPTER THREE: IN WHICH VARIOUS PLOT THREADS CONTINUE TO BE UNRAVELED. FINALLY, MY FIRST SHORT CHAPTER TITLE THAT DOESN'T RAMBLE ON LIKE AN IDIOT – SHIT, DID I JUST RUIN IT?
MEANWHILE, IN PIT AND SAMUS'S ROOM, AT APPROXIMATELY MIDNIGHT
The last man awake was lying in his bed. There was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" called the angel, who couldn't quite muster his angelic voice because he'd shouted himself hoarse during that day's brawl. "It's me, honey. I brought you flowers and the promise of casual sex with no strings attached – this is sex with five-time Star Wolf Magazine Sexiest Wolf Alive Championship Winner, by the way, so you know you're in for a ride."
"Wolf, it's midnight, Pitty Pat has to sleepy sleep." grumbled Pit, rolling over in bed but careful not to disturb Samus. "Can't you go find some other guy to hit on?"
"Aw, but Pit, your room is right across the hall and your cock looks ideal for sucking. I'm doing puppy dog eyes right now, in case you don't have X-ray vision too." pleaded Wolf. "Also if I don't have sex with you by the end of the month, I owe Falco fifty bucks."
Pit pondered this turn of events, covering himself with the blanket to avoid the space pirate's gaze through the door. "Fine, then, you can come in." The door opened to reveal Wolf O'Donnell, naked and erect, holding a dozen roses in his left hand and a bottle of lubricant in his right. "Oh, yeah, I brought this. Wouldn't want to hurt when my massive cock penetrates your fine-looking ass." He put the roses down and began to masturbate in the doorway, stroking his left hand up and down his shaft as Pit watched, both weirded out and strangely transfixed – "No, Pit! We talked about this! No watching guys masturbate unless you've treated them to a nice dinner first and you intend to have sex afterwards."
"…Did you just say that out loud?" asked Wolf quizzically. "Because I don't care about the dinner part." He began to wink at the angel as he started to apply the lube. "By the way, I have condoms if you want – it was very hard to find them in my size without store employees kicking me out. You know how it is with public locations and taking your dick out."
"OK, first off, you sound like an idiot, and second off, I just texted my boyfriend and Lady Palutena this nude picture of you, so I think I hold all the cards. Now scurry off with your tail between your legs and go to sleep." retorted Pit.
"Oh, this is a feisty one. Maybe Mr. Cub can help cool you down…or heat things up. It all depends on what you want, Pitty Pat." said Wolf in his sexy voice, bringing his penis, now dripping with precum, up close to Pit's face. "You know you'll enjoy the feel when he rams right into your asshole, hitting your prostate so hard you'll come ten times in the first five minutes – it doesn't seem possible, and yet it happens all the time with my…consorts. I have the testimonials to prove it."
At this Pit had had enough. He lunged forward with his jaws open and bit deep into Wolf's shaft, leaving a bloody cut where his teeth had been.
Wolf's eye began to twitch as he dropped the lube, his erection immediately wilting.
"You know what? Fuck you, Pit Icarus. Fuck you and fuck your goddamn boyfriend – who, by the way, probably doesn't exist! If it's all the same to you, I'll just leave these flowers here (which I grew myself, thank you very much) and go nurse my war wound. Good day, sir!"
As the door slammed, the angel relaxed back into his bed, confident that those noise-canceling headphones all the young'uns had would protect Samus from that awkward situation, and began to stroke his own erection, because while (and this is a tip for all you potential suitors) he was rather turned off by talking dirty, Pit had to admit he did enjoy it when nude men appeared before him unbidden.
MEANWHILE, AT THE LAW OFFICES OF IKE AND MARTH
It was another slow day for Ike: no murders, no robberies, not even a little private property violation. All was peaceful in the world after that case with the magic kids had been settled, and that was exactly what was wrong.
"You know what I wish, Marth?" Ike asked his partner (in law, you fools, they're not gay!). "I wish some hot blonde would come into this here office and tell me to prosecute her breasts or something." Marth replied in Japanese. "Well of course the cherry blossom flowers in spring! Also, it would be hot, duh." The blue-haired royal raised an eyebrow and offered up some more Japanese sentences. "You already said that, Marth, and yeah, I know I could ask, but this way is much cooler. Do you think I went through all those years of law school just to put criminals in jail and make money? I mean, that was part of it, but I was kinda assuming I'd get laid more. I mean, how cool would it be if, say, Peach were to burst through the door and tell me we needed to work intimately together to find King Dedede's missing hammer or whatever?"
At this, the door flew open and Ike assumed the happiest expression he'd had on his face since…well, yesterday, actually, because he was on TV yesterday and he won a case and all that, but the expression soon turned into an emoticon-esque L as the person in the doorway was revealed to be that weird reporter who always talked about how soft Democrats were or something. "Hi, Sonic." said the attorney, although said might not be the right word, as the two words sort of just fell out of his mouth and hung in the air like the fools they were.
"Hey, Mr. Eisenhower, sir. I just wanted to give you this – I know you like Hot Pockets." offered the Blue Blur, laying a Hot Pocket down on Ike's desk. "Bye now." Sonic began to do that cartoon thing where people run in place really fast and then they speed off at a billion miles per hour until Ike stopped him.
"Wait, hold on. Why do you keep calling me Mr. Eisenhower? Is that like an inside joke I don't know about?" asked Ike. Marth simply shrugged. "Well, uh, Ike," Sonic began, "it's your name, isn't it? Dwight David Eisenhower?" He pulled up Wikipedia on Ike's laptop.
"You must have some other guy. That photo looks nothing like me. Besides, I probably would've voted for Stevenson, according to this article." responded Ike. The hedgehog looked crestfallen. "Huh. Now that I look at you guys side by side, there is a difference – his hair isn't that exact shade of blue that you have. Guess I'll go cry alone in my room now." He began to trudge towards the door with a dejected look on his face.
"Wait, Sonic, you don't have to go!" exclaimed Ike. "It's no use; it's not like you can go back to 1952 and tell him to dump Nixon."
"Oh, really, Sonic? Isn't it?" queried the lawyer. "No, it isn't. Have a nice day, Ike." replied Sonic, closing the door behind him. "Shit, I thought that would work. Well, at least it was worth a try." Marth nodded and spoke in Japanese again. "I'm well aware of that, Marth."
MEANWHILE, IN THE ROOM NOW SHARED BY TOON LINK AND THE ICE CLIMBERS
"No, you're wrong! You guys don't need a whole bunk bed thing all to yourselves – look at you, you're practically one person as it is!" exclaimed Toon Link, who was presently annoyed by the fact that the Ice Climbers only had one bunk bed and he would have to sleep on the couch for the next ten years – either that or build a bed from scratch.
"Look, Toony, it's not like we can sleep on the same bed. Our combined parka weight would crush the poor thing to smithereens, and then where would we be? We'd just have two mattresses, and sleeping on just a mattress is for poor people." chided Popo. "Since you're new around here, you take the couch
"How about no?" retorted TL. "How about I fucking beat you to death?" agitated Popo, waving his hammer about menacingly before Nana stepped in. "Boys, please, let's not get too hasty. TL, sleep on the couch – I can ask the Hands for some extra blankets."
TL pondered this new turn of events until steam started rising from his body, and a lightbulb appeared above his head. "Wait! Couldn't you guys just take off your parkas and stuff, and then we could all fit on the bunk bed without weighing it down too much? Oh, yeah, TL's a fuckin' genius! Look at me now, Grandma! You said I could never succeed! What now? What fucking now?"
"Calm down, TL, I'm not going to remove my parka. Nana, you stop that! TL is going to sleep on the – "
All (male) eyes turned to Nana, or at least, the person that used to call herself Nana until she removed the aforementioned parka. Popo and TL's eyes widened in shock as they said in unison:
"Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence? What are you doing here and what have you done with Nana?"
"Wait, who's Nana? Is she the owner of that parka, 'cause if so I think I have to give it back to her – I just found this on the floor." said Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence. "By the way, is meth legal here? 'Cause if it is, then name your price, am I right? Am I right?" She began elbowing TL, who started to back away in fear, drawing his sword.
"Hey, Ms. Lawrence, could you, like, not be in our room and give Nana back? Seriously." asked Popo. "I already told you, I don't know who Nana is. I just found this parka on the floor, and I assumed nobody lived here so I just took it." responded Jennifer Lawrence.
"Wait, what? You assumed nobody lived here? A room with beds, memorabilia, two goddamn fridges, and that Hugh Jackman poster Nana won't take down and you assumed no one lived here?" exclaimed Popo, raising his voice to silence TL's vain attempt to pipe up in the conversation – we all know who the true master of the house is here: his name starts with Po and ends with po.
"Calm down, brodawg. I thought this was some sort of lost and found, and that everyone around here just lost a lot of climbing gear and elf hats." said Jennifer. "And continuing on the subject of drugs, meth?"
"Nope, no meth here, despite my fervent protests. I do have some pot though, and I'm willing to share with someone of your status, Ms. Lawrence." answered TL. "And don't say brodawg. That's also illegal."
SEVERAL HOURS LATER, AFTER POPO, TL, AND JENNIFER LAWRENCE WERE COMPLETELY HIGH ON ALL THAT MARIJUANA THE YOUNG'UNS ARE SMOKING THESE DAYS
"Dude, if you say parka over and over again it just sounds like a birdcall or some shit Pikachu would say – wait oh my god if Nana and I formed a band we could call ourselves Linkin Parka and it would be the greatest band ever."
"No dude, all three of us here have to run away from the mansion and, like, steal guitars or whatever and we'd call ourselves Toony and the Climbers and Jennifer, you can pretend to be Nana."
"I'm cool with that."
"Cool beans. Popo, man, you down with that? We need to sign a blood oath."
"Yeah TL, I've got a knife."
"Hey guys I read on the internet that if you cut yourself when you're on drugs you don't feel anything and there was a guy who jumped through a window on PCP and he was totally fine."
"Damn, girlfriend, why you so cray-cray?"
"No, she's telling the truth, Popo, I read that too. See, look, I cut my hand off there and I'm fine."
"Cool. So did we all sign the blood oath? Is Toony and the Climbers ready for its inaugural tour of upstate New York?"
"Yep."
"Yeah."
"Hey, TL, speaking of cutting off your hand, how do prosthetic arms work?"
"I don't know man. I think they, like, attach a fake hand and do some electronics and your nerves connect to the hand and you control it with your mind."
"Dude, that's fucking amazing."
TEN MINUTES LATER
"Holy shit, guys, my fucking hand is on the ground! Jesus Christ, the stump is bleeding everywhere! Call the fucking ambulance, guys!" Toon Link's gaze shifted rapidly between Popo, Jennifer Lawrence, his severed hand, and the stump of his right arm.
"It's no use, TL! They keep saying it's a prank call and won't let me talk to the ambulance people! Popo, you try!" Jennifer handed the phone over to the Ice Climber and he started shouting obscenities into the receiver: "WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN YOU CAN'T REATTACH A FUCKING HAND! I CLIMBED 32 FUCKING MOUNTAINS IN A FUCKING DAY AND YOU'RE TOO INCOMPETENT TO OPERATE FUCKING DUCT TAPE? FUCK YOU AND FUCK EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR."
TL stood at the window, looking out at the sunset with Jennifer at his side. "It'll never be the same without Dexter." He wiped away a single tear with his stump-sleeve.
"Don't worry, TL, everything's going to be fine. We can build a new society from the ashes of the old. Together, we'll set things right. Also, you'll still be sleeping on the couch."
(AN: There you have it, folks, the answers to your/my questions from chapter 1. Also, is Wolf a pirate in Star Fox canon? I'm just saying he is 'cause it's more badass, but that might not be true – I think he's just a mercenary of some sort. Thirdly, my apologies to Jennifer Lawrence.)