Somehow he didn't put his pants back on that night; the blanket had ridden low, exposing a naked hipbone of his.

"I didn't know you are sleeping naked when kids are in the house," Addison said with a smile, Lillian already in the playpen, Oliver on her hip, only wearing silk. Did she just make fun of him? She placed hot steaming coffee in front of him and laid the boy on his chest. Derek wasn't able to reply because his mind was busy with the nightdress or what it wasn't hiding. Oliver stared at him in this amazingly beautiful baby way and said "Dada".

She came back with a smile and two bottles in hand. "He kept saying it all morning." "He has?" It was a new state of roundness, happiness. Derek got himself into a sitting position which was far away from easy, the baby in one hand, trying to arrange the sheets around him. She nodded taking out Lillian, handing Derek a bottle. She sat down on the sofa, hair loose, her red curls falling down on her shoulders. They were shorter than in the Seattle but she not really short at all. No afford yet to straighten or get more curls into them. The nightdress wasn't short, neither long. Lillian sitting on her lap, something between sitting on her own and being hold in the cradle of her arm, she nursed her bottle, giving Derek a chance to admire her..." Addison said playfully, while holding the bottle in position.

Meanwhile Derek did the same with Oliver knowing that his naked chest didn't make things much easier. It's not like he hasn't seen her this way a million times before, braless and covered in silk but it was different, very different.
While being married the first years she wouldn't have survived sitting like this on the sofa for more than five minutes. He would have ravished her. Now, she didn't seem to be uncomfortable but not looking at him at all, his bare chest, knowing that he was naked under the covers. It seemed like she would only concentrate on feeding Lillian, nothing more. But how could he know what was going on in her head?

"When do we need to be at the city hall?" She asked softly before heading upstairs to change Lillian.

"11:15, it's not that far anyway."

"I know Derek."

"Do you want late night flights or some early in the morning?" He had to change the topic, look at Oliver and not at her cleavage, the nearly naked breasts, the little of thigh he could see or the well tanned skin of her shoulders.
When he picked her up from Los Angeles he had seen her naked and he really tried to remember it, knowing that it was wrong, very wrong, but he couldn't. Being that vulnerable in front of him, he didn't take the time to study her. He noticed that she had well toned upper arms and a flat stomach, but next to that her body hasn't changed over all those years. It was still able to make him get huge troubles.

He went upstairs too after searching for the lost garments. He wasn't yet able to be around her a week without forgetting who he was and what the goal of this whole experiment was, and that she seemed to be completely unaware of what she was doing to him.

Derek tried to forget what he had seen this morning, silk, flesh. He washed and changed Oliver, hearing the shower run from the other side.
"Do not think of it, to not think of her, don't imagine her body, don't dare to imagine ," he tried to talk to himself but as soon as those words were said, he did what he didn't want to do at all. Derek pictured her body all coated with vanilla scented foam, her hands wandering over her body. He felt guilty knowing that she didn't feel the same and knowing that there was a girlfriend waiting at home. His women who couldn't be compared – one boyish, like a teenager and inexperienced in so many ways and the other, very female, knowing which button to press to get what she wanted from men, sexually adventurous … and again he had reached the point of remembering what they had done during their year of dating and the early year of marriage. He wanted to ban those memories, hide them in the very, very back of his brain, but somehow it wasn't working. He heard the hairdryer starting and put Oliver to Lillian in the playpen before heading for a shower himself, to help himself forget.

But seeing her in this midnight blue silk wrap-style dress with floral pattern over the hems didn't make the things easier at all. But this was Addison, always looking like out of a prêt-a-porter show. Were all her dresses in New York colored in shades of green or blue?

"Is this one new?" Derek asked not remembering it in any way.

"No, but I guess you weren't attending the gala night I purchased it for. It's a Roberto Cavalla, probably four years old." He only nodded in reply, knowing that she was most likely right. About six years ago he stopped focusing on their marriage but he couldn't remember a reason for it, it just happened. Late night shifts, staying in on call rooms, letting her wait at home for dinner, birthdays, anniversaries, celebration with her family. When he asked her to attend something with him, she usually did – weddings, christenings, Thanksgiving dinners; she had always been able to reschedule her surgeries.

The twins were dressed in dark blue jumpers with matching jackets and hats. "We have to buy some stuff for them as soon as possible; they are outgrowing mostly everything they have." Were her last words before getting into her coat, grabbing a matching scarf and headed out towards the cap which was waiting for them.
Too many times lately he didn't know what to reply to her statements. Most of those moments she was right, just mentioning something, he had never thought about.

He was wearing one of the very classic black Hugo Boss suits he once bought somewhere in Europe. Those were always right.

The ride was rather silent except for the kids babbling. People at the city hall were staring at them – two elegant creatures with small kids and now getting married. Derek noticed the glances and took Addison's hand in his.

There were things she didn't know yet. Yesterday while being on a walk with the kids he had purchased their wedding bands, simply gold for him and hers existed of three bands – the one in the middle was gold with a simple diamond on it, the other two were only diamonds. He didn't care about the expenses; he liked them and knew she would like them too. Her taste had always been exquisite.
Derek had asked a young couple in the waiting area to be their witnesses and they agreed. The ceremony was far away from spectacular. The witnesses had the twins in their laps while Derek and Addison took the vows. Finally the moment of the ring exchange came. Addison was speechless when she saw the rings.

"God … Derek…" Were her only words while he slowly pushed the three bands over her ring finger! With shaky hands she did the same with his golden band.

Now they were again officially Dr. Shepherd again.

~*~

For being their wedding day most of the afternoon was about packing boxes, playing with the kids brought complete exhaustion with it as soon as the moon was shining.

"For this being our wedding night I can't wait what special seduction you have in mind for later," Derek playfully said, trying to make a joke. But somehow she seemed to have gotten it into the wrong throat. Her look could kill people and in the very moment she was aiming him. "Addison, I didn't … "

"Just shut up." She closed another box, writing 'books' on it with her magnificent handwriting. It was so untypical for a doctor to have such a wonderful even and readable handwriting.

To change the topic he asked her which books she put into this box. "Oh …," she seemed to blush a little bit, "just my favorites, you know. The classical ones…." He acted like he wouldn't know and opened it after she left for the kitchen to get some tea. On top she had put Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters and of course her absolute favorite writer – Walt Whitman. He opened the book at the page with the bookmark and read out loud:

You sea! I resign myself to you also … I guess what you mean,
I behold from the beach your crooked inviting fingers,
I believe you refuse to go back without feeling of me;
We must have a turn together … I undress … hurry me out of sight of the land,
Cushion ne soft … rock me in billowy drowse,
Dash me with amorous wet …. I can repay you.

Without saying something she took the book out of his hands, closed it and put it back into the box. This poem wasn't about the sea, about waves. It was a metaphor, lyric language. It was erotic from another millennium.

This was the last time he saw her this night. After taking the book from his she had taken her tea and went upstairs. Derek wasn't sure if she was mad or just uncomfortable.

There had been years, while med school, they could spend a whole winter afternoon reading poems to each other or short stories. Addison had went through classical education, spent her summers in Europe, learning foreign languages. She had often teased him with Italian, French or some words in German but the most erotic language had always been Latin for him.

~*~

September 18

Sometimes I really would like to know what's going on in this brain of his. Being a brain surgeon doesn't make think easier in this department.

Where to start? I would lie if I'd say that I never liked his chest, his broad shoulders but was it the right time to sleep naked? Not just me being around but also the kids? On the one hand it feels naturally and on the other just awkward.
Stepping under the shower I really had to tell myself that I hadn't been much better, not caring to take a robe or anything to hide a little bit. He didn't even look and why should he? He has a young, teenage version at home waiting nervously – eventually.
I rarely complain about my body but living in Los Angeles has done wonderful things to it- more sports, sun and just feeling comfortable, nevertheless some wrinkles started to show around my eyes and sooner or later some body parts will give in to gravity.
On the other side it's not like he is getting any younger, especially the grey strands becoming more and more and this time not because of me.

First of all those wedding bands … I thought we'd go for no bands this time and then he adds those to the ceremony. They are not simple … they are amazing. I already caught myself playing with it. I didn't want to be stared at but people will, thanks to those.

Before all that he asked about the dress … no, it's not new, it's Roberto Cavalla. We bought it together on a trip to Milano; Via Spigot … we got him handmade shoes and a suit he never wore.
I think it was the blue phase; most of my cloths had been blue when I purchased it. And Cavalla is such an amazing designer. This soft arrangement of flowers on the hems, the deep blue of the silk, the …

Now we are married and this is our wedding night…..the second one. Two years ago I would have given everything for another wedding, a night together, even having this arrangement but now? Being the wife again, in a formal catholic way he is cheating again on me … probably I am not the right person to get into catholic point of views but this whole situation is just weird.

Us being married again …

I needed to stop him reading Walt Whitman … Whitman had been the first book he had given to me, a signed first edition. And this poem … God … I know it word by word because I have read it to him a million times, an act of foreplay. And now, today he is reading it out loud. What was he thinking?

~*~

The following morning Derek was on the phone with a moving company. He arranged them to come by noon. He hadn't seen Addison a lot, having the kids in her bedroom she went through the walk-in-closet to decide which stuff to ship and which to stay. She wasn't going to sell the brownstone at all but there was stuff she wanted to take with her this time, so she has told him.

After discussing the safe combination, Derek needed to make some calls on the first floor before helping to pack boxes. Addison had made a save escape to the walk-in-closet. In the middle of the phone call with McGregor the kids started to wine and scream and Derek couldn't just get off the phone but walked towards the private fashion boutique and pointed towards Addison that he was would be on the phone. With a soft growl Addison changed the room and let Derek stay in a room, where piles of cloths were shattered everywhere. A few already filled boxes, some old ones opened and then he noticed this one, read leather box. A thick "p" was drawn in front.
While McGregor told him about the adoption process he sat down on the floor, back against the huge mirror.

He opened the box in the second Addison came into the room with both of the kids pressed to her chest to let them crawl a little bit over the floor. With an unknown urgent Addison shook her head, putting the kids on the floor, heading towards Derek to close the box again but it was too late. Her cheeks, neck and cleavage turned into different shades of red. Derek only stared at the contest of the box – sex toys.

Absolutely embarrassed she took the kids downstairs. He wanted to run after her but with the attorney on the phone it was an unmanageable goal to talk to her about this, about a box they had established together more than ten years ago. He hadn't thought of it for many years and honestly he couldn't believe now that she had maintained it.

~*~

When he came downstairs later he heard Addison talking to the kids, telling them the tale of Cinderella while sitting on a woolen blanket in front of the fire place. She didn't notice him while moving on in the story about the stepmother, the stepsisters and the prince in shining armor. He was standing in the door frame observing this situation till Oliver lifted his head and babbled something quite loud into his direction.

Derek and Addison were just staring at each other for a couple of seconds. "I didn't mean to go through your stuff," he tried to apologize. "It's not my stuff exactly." She said with a slight amusement in her voice. "I didn't think that you kept it," he tried to talk himself out of it again. "I haven't thought of it in ages, I couldn't remember putting it there at all." He only nodded in response. What to say more? They had bought those things years ago together after many discussions and arguments about her being from Connecticut and that there is no need for toys, sex alone would be fine. In the end she liked it, enjoyed the games of teasing. Both of them did.

He didn't even try to mention it again. Their flight would leave New York something after 8pm and on the airport Derek was calm, knowing, that the following days would be hell, for both of them – answering millions of questions, pretending to be the happy re-wed couple they aren't.

The flight was in some parts uncomplicated, till Lillian refused to sleep and fuss all the time. Since Addison was asleep Derek tried to calm her down but it wasn't working, in the end he had to wake "his wife", not to wake all the other passengers.

"Hey little girl …" she said softly, placing soft kisses on the Lillian's face. "You should be tired and be sleeping honey… come here …"She said, placing the girl over her chest, the head under her chin and made small circles on the baby's back. After a few minutes the girl started to relax and fell back to sleep and so did Addison.
This was a new picture to him, one he had to learn to deal with. He placed the blanket over both of them, tucked a strand of curls behind Addison's ear and stared at them for a little while longer. How had she been able to fit into this mother role so quickly after being against it in the beginning? The major priority now was to make things work, somehow.

~*~

Derek walked out of the controlled sector with two suitcases in hand and the big baby bag, filled with dirty jumpers and empty bottles. Addison was behind him with the kids.
The first thing he noticed when he entered the hall after the security controls was Meredith's face, smiling at him, nearly throwing himself towards him. He just glared at her for a second and she stopped in the middle of the way. Probably this was the second she noticed Addison with the twins behind him, trying to control the stroller while balancing one baby on her hip who was whining nervously.

Meredith glanced at Derek and Addison excused herself towards the Coffee Shop with the twins, he noticed that she was uncomfortable.

"Derek …"

"This isn't the right place to talk Meredith."

"I know, it was just … they are really small …

"Shortly over ten months … "His hand was pushing through his hair nervously. "Can we talk later tonight?" These last words made her smile, not knowing what he had to tell her. "Sure."

"Want to know something funny?"

"Tell me …," he replied being nerved.

"Callie and Arizona broke up because of Mark."

"What? I mean I am gone for a few days and the whole world changes?" Derek joked with slight sarcasm in his voice.

Derek and Meredith went; not holding hands, towards Starbuck's to pick up Addison which was feeding Lillian and Oliver some pap out of a glass. "Are you ready to go?" He asked when she looked up at him. "Give me a second; we are nearly ready, aren't we?" She said towards the kids, swapping pap from around their mouths.

They headed for a cap and he told Meredith that he would come over tonight; he wouldn't want to let Addison do the whole work with the twins.

What Derek didn't notice was that Meredith had seen the rings on Addison's finger, reminding her lot of their former weddings bands, somehow. He also didn't notice that she saw how he helped her with the kids, their closeness which wasn't familiar to her at all.

~*~

The house was amazing but not all the furniture had arrived yet. Some of the boxes from Los Angeles were already stored in the hallway; the constructors were already painting the nursery and the other rooms, only the color, a fresh white, in the living room was already dry.

"Wow", Addison said while walking through the huge entry hall towards the kitchen and the attached terrace. It was just huge. Downstairs was a study, a dining room and the kitchen; between study and living room was a small library with high bookshelves and an open fire place. Upstairs were four bedrooms and three bathrooms. The master bedroom was huge, exactly like on the online profile with a whirlpool and an enormous balcony.
During their way home the babies had fallen asleep and slept now in the stroller in the hall. Derek had walked up behind Addison. "I could get used to this view," she said, knowing that he was behind her. It was just amazing, the open see, the backyard. It was amazing, even in the middle of the night, but with the moon up it even looked a little bit mysterious.

"Look Addison …" he stared, elbows on the balustrade, face in his hands, studying the few. "… I probably won't sleep over here this night; I need to talk to Meredith and everything …"

"I know, I guessed so, no problem." This came out a little too quick in his opinion. She had told him more than clearly twice since they were married, that this was only a tactical marriage nothing more or less. It wouldn't be about feelings or pride. Though they weren't actually actors so they would have to go through all nevertheless before doing it. Even remembering those words he could feel the pain in her voice, at least he thought he did.

"I will help you with the sofa in the living room, so you can crash there."

"No need Derek, I know how to handle a studio couch, remember, I got used to this during med school."

"Are you sure that you do not need any help with the kids or anything else?"

"Sure, go, I have seen the box with the sheets and the twins are already asleep. The playpen is already set up and they will sleep the night in it, till their beds arrive, tomorrow or the day after. I can handle it; nevertheless, those are my profession."

"However …" he replied while turning around and leaving the house.

~*~

Arriving at Meredith's place felt awkward at the very moment because all the cars, which usually were parked in front, were missing. The house was mostly dark except the kitchen and living room. He didn't knock but used his key.

"Hey," he said softly while she came towards him, only wearing a Snoopy nightdress and hilarious booths.

"Hey you, I missed you." She said and put her hands around his neck to kiss him.
But the kiss wasn't the same as those a week earlier, it was passionless.

"Want a glass of wine?"

"Actually Meredith, I'd go with a coffee or some tea."

Together they headed to the living room area which was only illuminated by the fireplace and some candles.

They chatted lightly about what happened in hospital the last days, Callie and Arizona's break up, sitting near each other on the sofa, his hand trapped over her shoulder, her head against his chest.

"Meredith, I need to tell you a few things and you won't be happy. You'll probably hate me but those things don't change anything between us, remember that all the time." Her only reply was to position herself the way that she could look into his face.

"I told you that Savanna and Weiss were killed in a car accident and they …. Let's say … left us the kids. There is only Addison and me or foster care. But we only get custody and adoption if we pass the conditions." Meredith nodded, so far things sounded simple. "So … after arguments and small fights," he made up some story to make it sounds more complicated, "we agreed to try to work things out, to take the kids. But like I said, there are conditions." He sighed. He didn't like Meredith's face. "First of all, Addison … how should I tell you? … We got married again."

Meredith jumped from the sofa heading towards the open fire place. "You did what?" She screamed, tears in her voice. "You married the adulterous bitch? " The Prada-whore?" "Satan"? He nearly had to laugh about all the names they had made up for Addison.

"Meredith," he said softly while walking towards her, "It's just a paper we signed, nothing more. But we have to play the perfect couple because only being a couple, being family we can keep the twins. It's like a role play, like a Hollywood movie …"

"Are you sure that it's only that? That it isn't …."

"No, it's nothing more and don't make some interpretation. It's like I said. We play the couple at work, in front of the family but us – Addison and me – both know that I belong to you." He finished before he tried to hug her. But she pushed him away.

"It isn't that easy Derek. What am I telling my friends? What will you tell our colleagues?" She asked during sobs.

"Well, we probably will tell them that we decided to be together again. Actually Meredith, we haven't thought that far yet but you have to play your role too." He tried to pull her towards him, kiss her. "I missed you too …"

"Will you have to sleep in the same bed with her?"

"Well, if family is around like at Christmas, probably but we have a guestroom so I will sleep there. I don't think that Addison plans on letting me stay in her bed."

For another hour he tried to explain things to her. They agreed to tell people that they officially broke up that night after him telling her the truth. She made him swear that he would not stand her up, wouldn't leave her. He did. But he couldn't believe himself anymore.

Cristina and Alex would come home within the next hour so, after officially breaking up, he would have to leave. This came unplanned. The kiss had a lot of passion in it, her hands roaming over his chest, his back, his face. But in the end she told him to leave.

What to do now?

The car ride back to the house was filled with Derek's thoughts and the jazz music from the radio. He never had spoken with himself but this time it seemed like this was the best way of thinking.

For half an hour he was sitting in the car, staring at his cell phone. He should call Addison to let her know that he would be coming "home".

The house was completely dark when he walked towards it only the moon made him see the way. Without making too much sound he unlocked the door, got out of his shoes and walked towards the living room, knowing that there was the only possibility to sleep in her at all.

The kids were asleep, Lillian softly snoring; Oliver had the thumb in his mouth. He made his way towards the bed, their bed.

He knew that sleeping here wasn't part of their arrangement. That crawling in, sharing a bed should have been discussed. More than once he thought about sleeping in the hotel but what if somebody would see him there? Somebody was always living in the hotel, if not Mark or Callie it was Richard.

He stripped down to his boxers, arranging everything carefully on the floor and slowly sat down on the bed, hoping that he wouldn't wake her. Bit by bit he moved towards her, curled under her blanket, snuggled towards her back. Was he doing the right thing? Was he an egoist? Her body was warm, her blanket was warm. Without thinking any more he fell asleep.

End part 4

Walt Whitman: Sea of Grass; Song of myself, 22