Bard was putting his books back into his locker. When he closed it Smaug was there, glaring at him.
"When I pay you fifty dollars, I expect results." Smaug said.
"I'm working on it." Bard replied.
"Yeah right. Watching that bastard wreck my car doesn't count as a date." Smaug said. "If you don't get any, then I don't get any, so I would start trying harder."
Bard grinned, "I would be willing to try harder, for another fifty."
"What?"
"Yeah, hundred dollars. Per week"
"Forget it"
"Then you can forget his sister." Bard smirked.
Smaug growled and took out his wallet, handing Bard another fifty. "You better hope you're as good as you seem to think you are."
Bard took the money with an overly bright smile.
/
Kili and Bilbo took a seat across from Bard at lunch. The boy looked up and groaned, "You two again. What do you want?"
"To help you, I thought we said that last time?" Bilbo answered, looking at Kili who nodded.
"Look, I went to the park, but it was just as much of a bust as the last attempt was."
"Well we're here to give you another chance." Kili took out a flier, "There is this party Friday night and we think it would be a perfect time to take Thranduil out."
Bard looked at the flier, "I'll think about it"
Kili and Bilbo nodded and left.
"Do you think it will work?" Kili asked.
"Of course, we'll just make some adjustments to the flier and circulate them. It will be easy." Bilbo replied.
After making some modifications like 'bring your own booze', Bilbo and Kili went to the top of each main stairwell and dropped the papers. Soon, everyone knew about it.
/
"So are you going to the big party on Friday?" Kili asked. He and Tauriel were walking around a park. Something to occupy their time instead of study French.
"I wish I could, but you know the rule…I can't unless my brother does."
"Yeah, I'm working on that. He's being a little difficult, not really going for the guy I picked out." Kili said. "Can you give me anything on the type of guy he likes?"
"He once said he wouldn't dare date a guy who didn't know what personal hygiene was."
"Okay, so they need to be clean. Anything else?"
"Well, I did find a picture of a Calvin Klein model stashed in his desk drawer." Tauriel shrugged.
"So…pretty guys?"
"I don't know. You're asking me to delve into my cold-hearted brother's mind?"
"Nothing else has worked. We need behind the scenes information."
Tauriel looked thoughtful, "Well, he won't be home for another few hours."
Kili smiled, "Then let's get started."
/
Kili pulled up to Tauriel's house and followed her inside. She led him upstairs and into Thranduil's room. It was large, a queen-size bed sat adjacent to the window seat and a desk across from that. The walls were painted a pale green with a mural of trees. "Wow" Kili stared. "That's some mural" He walked towards the large wall.
"My brother painted it. He did my younger brother's room as well." Tauriel said as she rifled through his desk. "Okay, here we go." She walked over to Kili and handed him a few things, "His schedule, some fashion show tickets, and his playlist."
While Tauriel continued to go through Thranduil's things, Kili wandered the room. "Who is this?"
Tauriel looked up to find Kili looking at a picture of two people. "That's my mom and Thranduil when he was younger." She smiled.
"You look a lot like her." Kili said.
"Yeah" She smiled sadly.
"Why isn't she in the picture with everyone?" Kili pointed to another picture further down the wall.
"She died when Legolas was born. She got sick and the pregnancy was too much for her."
"I'm so sorry" Kili replied.
"It's alright. It was years ago." Tauriel gave him a small smile.
"Were you close?"
"Very. She always knew how to cheer me up." She sighed, "I miss her so much. I can't even look at Legolas without thinking about her."
Kili nodded.
/
"Why are we here?" Bilbo asked. He and Kili stood outside a bar downtown.
"This is where Bard hangs out. We have information to give him." Kili replied. He steeled himself and walked inside.
"Why does it have to be a bar though?" Bilbo asked himself and followed Kili in.
Inside there were several pool tables and bar seats. The lighting was dim and the air was filled with smoke. Kili and Bilbo walked to the back where Bard was playing darts.
Bard leaned against a post when he saw the two approach, "So, any more news?"
"Some insight to a very complicated guy." Kili answered.
"Sounds fun" Bard smirked.
"So uh first thing, Thranduil likes a man who is clean." Kili said.
"Clean?" Bard asked.
"Yeah like, when was the last time you showered? With soap." Bilbo asked.
Bard's brow furrowed, "Last night."
"Good, well when you take him out, make sure you're not covered in grease. Or smell like it." Kili said.
Bard scoffed, "So I have to become some floozy?"
"Just for now" Bilbo assured.
"And he also likes pretty boys so…" Kili trailed off.
Bard looked between them confusedly, straightening, "What, you saying I'm not pretty?"
Kili and Bilbo exchanged an anxious look, "No of course not!" Bilbo said.
"Very pretty" Kili nodded.
Bard settled himself again. "Anything else?"
"Oh, uh yeah." Kili pulled a list from his pocket. "Thranduil's likes: Vegetarian food, archery, Shakespeare, fashion, business, and classical music." Kili listed off. "Here is a list of magazines and books he owns." Kili handed the paper to him.
"So what? I'm supposed to buy him some rabbit food and either watch a bunch of people speaking an archaic language, stick-like women walking around in ridiculous clothing, or a group of old people playing lullabies."
"Have you ever been to the archery range downtown?" Bilbo asked after a short silence.
"Thranduil is going to be there tomorrow." Kili added.
"No" Bard shook his head "I can't go there."
"But he's going to be there. He made a reservation." Kili said.
"It won't be that bad. It's just an archery range." Bilbo smiled.
Bard sighed.
/
Bard walked into the archery range. "Hey Bard, how're you doing?" The man up front asked.
"Hey Percy, I'm doing fine." Bard replied.
"Haven't seen you in a while, thought you quit?" Percy said.
"I did. I thought I'd try it again." Bard motioned to the bag on his shoulder.
"Well, there's only one person in there now so have at it."
"Thanks Perc" Bard went inside the large field. Thranduil was standing at the furthest aisle, Bard watched as he fired arrow after arrow into the middle of the target.
"Pretty good" Bard commented.
Thranduil turned to him, brow raised at the bag, "Here to improve your skills amateur?"
Bard huffed a laugh, putting his bag down and getting his things out. "I may be a little rusty, but I still have some skill." He leered at Thranduil, "Though, I wouldn't object to some private tutoring."
Thranduil snorted, "In your dreams Bowman."
Bard grinned, "You have a great aim and yet you haven't hit the 'x'." Bard observed. "Not skilled enough?"
Thranduil smirked and without taking his eyes off of Bard, nocked an arrow, aimed at the target, and fired. The arrow hit perfectly in the center of the 'x'.
Bard held up his hands, "Alright, you are truly superior."
"Of course" Thranduil sent him a smug look.
Bard smirked back.
"If you're planning on asking me out again, you should just get it over with"
"I'm just here for some practice. Not everything is about you." Bard grabbed a target and went across the field to put it on.
Thranduil followed him, giving Bard confused glances. "You're not covered in your usual coat of grease." He retrieved his arrows and put in another target.
"I do shower" Bard replied. He pinned his target and made his trek back. "I'm not always covered in oil."
"Who would have thought?" was Thranduil's sarcastic reply.
They shot a few rounds, Bard getting better with each passing round.
"Your aim is improving" Thranduil said.
"Thank you. Yours is as true as ever. How long have you been an archer?"
"Since I was three. My father was an archer and his father before him."
"Well, you're probably the sexiest archer I have ever seen."
Thranduil huffed a laugh and Bard smiled. "Come to the party with me Friday."
Thranduil cocked his head, "You just never give up do you?" He started packing his things.
"Was that a yes?" Bard asked.
Thranduil shrugged, "No" He made his way towards the exit.
"Then was that a no?" Bard called after him.
"No!" He called back.
"I'll see at nine-thirty then!"
Thranduil waved and left the range.
Bard smiled at nothing and cleaned up his things.