A/N: Here is the next installment for these boys. Thank you so much to BeCullen for buying me and giving these boys a chance.
Thank you to OnTheTurningAway for fixing my messes, I love you more than ever!
Thank you to Zigster for talking it out with me and FarDareisMai2 for telling me I was on the right path.
Thank you all for reading and reviewing! I know I have been fail at updating, but the holidays are freaking crazy at my house.
Disclaimer: I own nothing...SM makes all the money from the names used here.
I lay in the woods until well into mid-morning of the following day. I have cried until there is nothing left inside of me. The dead leaves are crunching as my fingers trail through them, crushing a few along their path. The minute fragments surround me, like tiny remnants of the dreams I have been holding onto, destroyed with a few simple words from Jasper's mouth.
It is almost too painful to think about the look in his eye when he bid me to leave in his own way.
Had I been on the flip side of the coin, I don't think I would have had the heart to send Jasper away without listening to a word he had to say.
But then, Jasper has always been a stronger man than me.
He loves me, or at least he truly did, so it must not have been an easy thing to do, sending me away as if I were just a stranger to him, but he pulled it off flawlessly.
To him, I am now nothing He spoke to me with little more regard than a customer, even they probably get warmer greetings than I did.
The ache in my heart is tremendous, wide and gaping. It will be a long time before it is healed and ready to attempt allowing anyone else in.
When hunger and thirst finally get the best of me, I get up from my bed on the damp ground and slowly walk back to where I left my car.
It is just before lunch when I make it to the main street in town and I see the sign for the coffee shop, Jasper's shop.
Not just Jasper, you idiot, let's not forget the man whose initial accompanies Jasper's on that sign.
I grab onto my stomach, feeling as if the wind has been knocked out of me when my mind flashes back to the kiss they shared in front of me. It was so innocent, so sweet, so familiar. They have a history, a relationship and a future. Jasper obviously feels like they have a forever, he did go into business with him.
This Jake, the one who has my love's heart now, stepped into my life. He has my man, lives in a quaint little town and gets to freely express his love for Jasper without fear or cowardice. It's so unfair, so gut-wrenching.
It is everything that Jasper deserves and more.
Why do I feel that I have the right to step in and take it all away?
That is the thought that plagues me as I get into my car and drive off with the sign fading into the distance.
I know the answer.
Because in my heart, I know that Jasper and I belong together and until he tells me that he doesn't love me anymore, I am not giving up. Now I need sleep, so I can figure out what my next move is with a clear head.
The next few days are agonizing, all I want to do is see him again. There is a voice in the back of my head nattering on, feeding me ideas, telling me that it was all a mistake. Jasper was just in shock and now that he has had time to think about it, he wants to see me. But I know if this is true, he would be on my front porch. It isn't hard to find out where I live, it is a small town after all.
It is on the third day, when I open up my email to a tentative acceptance on the novel I sent in, that things start to look up. For the first time since I saw Jasper, there is a smile on my face and I decide one thing.
Screw it!
Screw right and wrong, screw waiting for Jasper and screw Jake. There is only one way I am ever going to get back what I lost, I need to go after it. It is almost unfair to Jasper, that I have come back to disrupt his life, but if he feels at all like I feel, in the long run, it will all be okay. He deserves to be loved, cherished, adored and the center of someone's world and I want to be the one to do that for him. Jake may think he loves Jasper and Jasper may believe he loves him back, but there is just no way.
We all have one soul mate out there and no one should settle for second best.
That is what they are doing with each other, it has to be. Otherwise, what Jasper felt for me was all in my head. If he thinks Jake is the love of his life, then it will be I who then settles for second best. But after what I felt with Jasper, I don't know that I can ever do that.
I decide to head over to the coffee shop and wait.
For what, I don't yet know. I may get there and get thrown out on my ass by Jasper's boyf... No! I refuse to think of him in those terms, by Jasper's business partner.
Jasper could tell me to go away and never come back, but I won't. I never will. Until I hear the words, "Edward, I don't love you anymore," out of his mouth, I am going to keep trying to get him listen to me. I hope he will let me explain why I did what I did and why I decided to leave it all behind. It doesn't matter to me how many days it takes, how long I have to keep trying, how many times he pushes me away; I won't quit.
Until he says those dreaded words, I will keep trying to show him how much he means to me and make him understand that he is the other half of me.
Even though I am prepared to handle whatever he throws at me, my heart is still thundering and my palms are sweating as I make the short drive to his shop. I pull up to the same spot as I did before, then decide to move. I do not want to repeat much of the last time I was here, it didn't bode well for me. When I walk up the path to his shop, I smile and prepare myself for the battle ahead.
It is obvious Jasper isn't going to just surrender to me and I am going to have to work hard to make him see we belong together. Thinking about what our life can be now, there is no keeping the grin off my face. We are going to be so happy, we have to be, if I can make him see reason.
Stepping into the cafe is like a slap to the face. Jasper and Jake are standing behind the counter. Jake is whispering in Jasper's ear and Jasper is smiling and rolling his eyes. It is an expression I know all too well. He looks up just as I take a seat at the table nearest to the door and the beautiful smile that has always lit up my world falls from his face. His eyes narrow and I see the storm clouds brewing behind the calm, blue waters.
I grab the menu off the table and block my face, taking deep breaths as my heart beats out of control. I close my eyes as wave after dizzying wave engulfs me. All the confidence I had walking in here has dissipated and I feel my soul shatter all over again at the way he looks at me compared to the way he looks at Jake.
It's so unfair but I know I did it to myself. I just feel after all I have been through that something should have happened a little easier for me, but Jasper is not going to be that thing.
My knee is bouncing under the table and I wonder if I should stay or go, maybe his work place is not the best place to talk to him. Then I remember, it is the only place we can do this, I have no idea where he lives and I refuse to go the home he ostensibly shares with another man. My eyes stare at the words in the menu, registering nothing but the fact that Jasper is in the same room as I am and all I want is to look at him.
I don't know how much time passes before a shadow looms over me and I don't even have to lift my eyes to know it is Jasper. I can feel him, smell him. Goosebumps erupt all over my skin as I wait for him to speak. I can almost hear the maniacal cadence thundering behind my rib cage as I bite hard into my lower lip to keep from jumping up, grabbing him in my arms and running out the door.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
I freeze, his words bringing the familiar sting to my eyes. I look down at the table top before carefully folding the menu and laying it down. Jasper is standing in front of me, his shaking fingers over the order pad the only indication that he is just as affected as I am.
"I had to see you," I tell him. It is the truth.
Jasper's mouth trembles slightly, eyes flood with emotion that he is blinking back and I know he is hurting just as bad, if not worse, than I am. He glances over to the tall man behind the counter, looking at us both with an odd expression on his face, and nods his head once before looking down at me.
"I want you to go," he whispers as a lone tear escapes from his eyes. He wipes it quickly.
Staring intently into the face that has been burned in my memory since the I walked out I say, "I can't."
Jasper swallows once, a shiver passes through his body and he walks away. My eyes stay on him until he walks through the door to the back room and Jake follows, but not before sending me a death glare.
Getting up from the table, I make my way hastily to the bathroom, lock the door and press my forehead into the cool tile of the wall. The anguish of being this close to him and not being able to even touch him has made me feel worse than I have in months. I splash my face with water and open the door.
I sit back down at my table and not ten minutes later Jasper's partner, or whatever the hell he is, comes up to me.
"What do you want?" he asks, his voice laden with contempt and pen over the pad.
"Coffee, black," I answer.
He turns on his heel and is back in less than a minute, setting the mug down in front of me.
"He doesn't want you here," he tells me.
I look up at the man. "Last time I checked you were open to the public and I am doing nothing wrong."
"Why now?" he growls. "Why show up when he finally has his life back and is happy?"
Those are questions I refuse to answer unless Jasper asks them.
I look up at Jake, whose obsidian eyes are cool yet simmering with rage.
"Is he really happy?" I ask, watching the muscle tick in his cheek.
Jake turns and walks away towards the counter where I can see Jasper has been watching the exchange. I drink my coffee slowly and Jake begrudgingly comes to refill it every time I finish. I sit in the cafe until it is closing time. I guess in small towns, people don't drink java after 7:00 PM or they enjoy it at home.
Jasper finally comes back over and says, "Edward, you need to leave now."
"I want to talk to you," I tell him.
"We have nothing to say that wasn't already said. Please, leave me alone."
"Please, Jasper, just give me a chance. All I want is a few minutes alone."
"Fuck you, Edward," he hisses through clenched teeth. "You had your chance."
"I know," I say, cringing at the language he used. "Just ten minutes and then after that if you want me to leave, I will, I won't come back."
"And if I refuse?" he says, pulling carelessly at the long, blond locks.
"I will keep coming back," I say. "I have nothing else to lose."
His eyes look down at my ring finger and then flash back up to mine. A million questions are on the tip of his tongue but I nod my head in answer to the only one that matters. After all this time, I still know what he is trying to say without the words to back it up.
Jasper leaves the table and walks over to Jake. They are arguing quietly, I can tell, and then Jacob tears off his apron, throws it over the counter before yanking Jasper against him and talking softly into his ear. He kisses him once on the cheek and storms out the door. I look away, acting like I didn't see anything until I hear the flip of the lock on the front door. It startles me and I jump slightly in my chair.
Jasper is standing by the door, quiet, but his face is anything but calm. I have loved him for nearly a decade, I know his faces and he is just as apprehensive as I am. He rests his head against the door and closes his eyes. My eyes follow the slender line of his throat, remembering how his pulse felt under my tongue, against my lips as I tasted his salty skin. His neck was always damp when I kissed it. Jasper is so passionate, so responsive and he burned hot under my touch.
It is stunning to watch him fall apart and I yearn to see that expression on his face again. I want him to go to that place where he lets everything go, screaming he loves me as he presses his mouth to mine and comes inside of me. My throat burns as I swallow back the emotions, pushing the image to the back of my mind where it has been locked away. I only pull it out when I need him the most.
Jasper's voice breaks through my reverie.
"You promised," he says softly. "You made us both promise not to contact one another after you left."
I can not say a word, he is right and I am at a loss.
"Why now? Why come at all?"
"I had to see you, to talk to you, to explain..."
"Explain what?" he snaps. "How you fucking left me while I watched the clock, waiting for you to come back? How you chose to marry someone else when you said you loved me? How I spent months praying for my life to just end because without you it wasn't worth living and you went on to have a happy, married life? What, you fucker?"
I am slowly backing up until I feel a wall behind me and slump down to the floor. My head drops to my knees and I let the tears flow. There is no holding them back now that he is in front of me, talking to me, even in anger. Knowing he wished for his own death breaks my spirit in ways that it hadn't hurt since I left him.
Jasper walks over to me, pulls my hands away from my face and yells, "You don't get to hide, Edward. You want to talk, so talk. Tell me what is so important that you have to come disrupt my life to tell me. What is so imperative that you feel it necessary to break me all over again? What!"
He is huffing and his fingers are digging painfully into my wrist and I pull him towards me and he crouches in front of me.
"I love you," I whisper. "That is what I came to tell you."
Jasper grips me tighter before letting go altogether. He looks like he is on the verge of crying too. He stands up and walks toward the back room. I scramble to get on my feet, knowing I just screwed it all up.
"Don't follow me your heartless bastard," he hisses, throwing me a venomous look before walking through the swinging door.
I push through it, not heeding his order, needing him to understand.
"I am not heartless, Jasper. I have a heart, albeit a broken one, but it is there, it has known love."
I hear his breath catch as he leans over the counter.
I walk up behind him slowly, "It still does."
Jasper snorts then turns around to face me, his eyes rimmed in red.
"You never loved me, there is no way." His voice is incredulous, eyes wild, body agitated. "If you loved me, how did you walk away? If you loved me nearly as much as I loved you, you never would have been able to walk away from me."
Jasper's voice breaks on the last word and it is more than I can bear. I walk over to him, pull him into my arms and hug him with everything I am.
"It was the hardest thing I ever did," I confess, taking in the scent of his hair. Jasper is rigid in my arms, I can feel him ready to pull away from me. I hold him tighter and whisper in his ear," It was harder then walking away from my wife, my home and my job. Most of all though, it was harder then telling my father I am gay and in love with someone who is not my wife."
I shudder against his warmth as I remember the hateful words my father said to me before I left the house.
"What?" Jasper says softly. "You did what?"
He slowly pulls himself from my embrace, looking at me with trepidation.
"I did it, for you."
Jasper squeezes his eyes, letting the words sink in. He wipes furiously at the tears running down his face, turning so I don't see.
I never wanted to make him cry, his beautiful face was made to smile. I want to see him smile at me like he used to when we were happy. When love was enough.
"No," he mumbles, shaking his head. "No!" His voice is strong and echoes in the room.
"It's too late for this, Edward. You made your choice when you walked away. You made me a promise."
Jasper walks right up to me, pulls me close and whispers in my ear, "Keep it."
When he goes to step back I pull him closer, "I can't."
His eyes close and he frowns. His mouth is smooth, sad and I want to taste him so badly. I need to see if his lips on mine can restart my failing heart. He holds my life in his hands and he doesn't yet realize it.
Just as I am about to touch my mouth to his he murmurs, "Why?"
"I love you," I breathe.
"You don't know what love is."
"Yes I do, love is you," I tell him, desperate for him to see that my feelings have never changed.
"You don't know love, Edward. All you know is this." Jasper closes the distance between us for one glorious moment I see the light explode behind my eyes. He joins our lips and I feel the shock to my body as my heart slowly begins to beat again. The love I have kept buried deep inside bursts forth in a loud moan from my mouth that echoes inside of his. Our mouths are open, waiting, and I am afraid to take it any further.
I feel Jasper's fingers move down my arms and twine with mine as his silky, hot tongue slides slowly over mine. It is all too much, to feel him like this against me again and I hold on for dear life as I kiss him back. The meeting of mouths is raw, angry, biting and Jasper's teeth sink into my bottom lip, causing me to cry out before he tears his mouth away.
Jasper turns me quickly, bending me over the counter and holy hell, I can feel his erection nestled in the cleft of my ass. Jasper grasps me by the hair and yanks my head back, sucking hard on my throat.
"Oh, fuck," I whimper.
"No," he says, licking my throat where he just bruised me. "No fucking, Edward."
"Jasper," I gasp, when I feel his hand slide down the front of my pants, squeezing my cock almost painfully.
"Is this what you wanted?" He growls in my ear. "For me to see you and lose control?"
"No," I rasp, pushing myself into his hand, begging with each slight thrust of my hips for more.
"You aren't worth it, Edward." His hand is moving furiously along my shaft as he pushes his cock against me over and over.
"You aren't worth the upset, you aren't worth my tears." I can feel the wetness of his cheek against my neck and he is right, I am not worth the tears.
"But most of all," he is rubbing up against me harder, his hand working me with the knowledge only an intimate lover would. "You aren't worthy of my love."
Hearing 'my love' come from was mouth is all it takes for me to let go, covering his hand with warm stickiness as I screamed his name.
"Shut up," he hisses, shoving his fingers into my mouth. The taste of myself on him is a combination I never thought I would have again and my eyes roll back in my head as I suck hard on his fingers.
"You don't get to say my name, not now," he grunts, his hips grinding into me in wild succession. "Fuck," he sighs as I felt him spasm against me, his teeth biting into my shoulder.
I imagine what his face must look like as he lets himself come and my knees falter beneath me. The entire situation hits me and I finally have a little more than hope. Jasper still loves me, still wants me and when I feel the weight of his body as he leans over me, I am almost happy, imagining that this is enough.
Slowly, our breathing returns to normal and Jasper's body is shaking slightly against mine. The choking sob that escapes him gives him away. When I try to turn, he stops me, his hands tucking me back into my pants.
Jasper lets me go and turns away, facing the opposite wall.
"Get the fuck out," he says, his voice deadly calm before he sniffs back more tears.
"What?" I feel the room closing in on me, I am dizzy, trying to make sense of his words and losing my battle with pride. "But we just..."
"What we did was a mistake."
"Jasper, no! I love you, I need you, please don't do this to me, to us," I beg, desperate and grasping at straws.
"There is no us, not anymore, you ruined that when you walked out of my life with only a kiss to say goodbye. This changes nothing, all it means is that you never should have come back because now to add to all the other things you have made me feel, I can now say shame is on that list."
Jasper goes out to the front, saying, "Go out the back door and please stay away from me," as he walks through the swinging door.
The drying slickness on my hand is the only evidence left that we have touched, have felt the fire once again. I wash my hands in the sink, feeling the flame flicker and dissipate. It has been extinguished tonight, I do not have the strength to keep it burning anymore. Jasper took it when he walked away.
This is it, it is over.
Jake won, he gets to keep my prince and I am left with nothing but another memory to bury. I would do that later. As I leave the cafe, I decide I will hold on to this memory for one more night, cry one last time for the man who will never love me again and then figure out how to live my life without Jasper.
It is a grim prospect, but it is no longer my choice to make.
It is done, Jasper does not love me or need me and I am, and will eternally be, devastated and hate myself for not holding on when I had the chance.
A/N: As always, your words are appreciated...and don't hurt me.