Based on kmeme prompt -OP asked for an established relationship where Zevran decides he doesn't want to sleep with his partner any more, and not only because of all the 'Crows-and-feelings' stuff, but also because he feels uncomfortable mixing sex and feelings together because of past abuse in the brothel... Takes place some time between their first failed attempt and first successful attempt. :)

Thanks to lovely Brelaina for beta reading this!

Strange Thing Mystifying

"You... don't want... I, I see. I know I wasn't - I... well. Well, I, ah, won't - bother you... sorry."

Airam's voice was barely audible, but the hurt and disappointment were only too clear. He had to do something, explain it somehow. He must not let him leave like this, thinking it was his fault. But what should he say? How to explain something he himself didn't really understand?

"Amore, wait. It is not-"

"You don't have to apologize, Zev. I understand. I knew this was inevitable, I'm no good-"

Zevran closed the distance between them and hugged him tightly. He could feel Airam trembling, his heart beating wildly, and hated himself more than ever for doing this to him.

"No. It is the opposite, in fact. You are too good. And pure. If you stay with me, I will only soil you, the monster as I am..."

Airam looked at him, confused. "Me, pure? Ridiculous. And you're the last person I'd call a monster. So what are you talking about?"

He chuckled softly in Airam's hair. He almost forgot how impossible this boy was. "I love you."

"Interesting way to show it, you know." Airam relaxed a little bit, burrowing his head in the crook of Zevran's neck.

"I thought the correct reply was 'I love you too', no?"

"Zevvie. Tell me what's wrong. Please. Is it something I've said or done? I'm sorry! Tell me what it is and I swear I will -"

"I already told you... It's not you, it's me. Let me try to explain." He steered them to the armchair and sat down, with Airam in his lap.

"So why are you suddenly a monster?" asked Airam, when the silence lasted bit too long.

"Not suddenly. I always was a monster. You're the only one who refuses to see it. I am a murderer and a whore, Air. Those don't sound as fancy as 'the Crow', but they are true. This is what I was ever since I can remember myself. The Crow started to train the apprentices in the 'art of pleasure', as they called it, when they were twelve or thirteen. They didn't want to destroy us, but to teach us to enjoy it. To enjoy being taken by anyone who wanted us, Masters, clients, or even fellow Crows, as a reward for successful mission, if they fancied young meat."

Airam didn't say anything, just hugged him more tightly.

"And in a whorehouse, they don't care if the whores enjoy it or not. Those who lived under their roof and ate their food had to work their keep and bring some extra profit. The age mattered little. I knew at least five different words for 'cock' before I could pronounce my own name properly, and I knew how to suck it before I could lace my shoes. Still, at least I could hate it. The Crows took even that away."

"That makes them monsters. Not you." Airam kissed away the tears he wasn't aware he had spilt.

"But I enjoyed it, Air. I was taken by people I hated, and I liked it. Or the people I knew I would kill the moment they fell asleep in my arms. I told myself I was doing it to give them pleasure, during their last hours, but I enjoyed it. The sex, but also the power I had over them. I had their life in my hands, I could make them scream in terror and pain, or in pleasure. I used sex as a weapon, to destroy people, or to manipulate them. Pleasure was a bonus – for me, not them."

Every time I had sex with someone, it was for my pleasure or profit; they ended either dead, or devastated, manipulated and used. How can I ever... what if I do it again, to you... if we continue, I will, even if I don't want to, because that's what I am. And I can't let that happen. I care about you like I never cared for anyone. You... embody everything that the Crows say is weakness - you are trusting, friendly, caring, selfless - and yet, you are not weak. In fact, I think you're the strongest man I've ever met. And purest. That is why, I cannot..."

He stopped when he felt Airam trembling, but the boy wasn't crying, as he thought - he was laughing.

"We're both the same fools, Zev. You and I, we were destined to be together, it seems."

Airam shifted, turning so he could see Zevran's face, and kissed him - just a quick, chaste kiss, barely brushing their lips together.

"Now listen carefully, my silly assassin. You say I'm pure? I don't know anything about it. If the Templar hadn't taken me to the Tower, if they had sold me to the Crows instead, I bet I would have been ten times worse than you. Pure! Remember what I told you about Taranis?"

"The guy in the Tower who made the bet to seduce you?"

"Yes. I sold myself for few cheap compliments. I knew it wasn't true, but I wanted to believe it. If he hadn't bragged about it so openly to his friends, I would probably have let him... do those other things."

"That's different."

"It is, I agree. My life was not in danger if I refused. Nobody forced me, besides my own weak mind. No, don't interrupt me. You say I'm strong. Maker, you really are the silliest of all assassins.

I'm only strong because you were always there to support me. The only one. All the others had their own ideas what the Warden should be like – nobler, more pragmatic, more direct, more I don't know what. You were the only one who accepted me for what I was, and tried to help me, without trying to change me. Without you, I would have fallen to pieces long ago.

Did you know, one of my nightmares, ever since you kissed me for the first time, till very recently, was you telling me you don't really care for me? That I was just a pathetic kid, that you deserved better and then you walked away? I'd run after you and beg, but you just laughed and left anyway. And I was left alone in the growing darkness, until I started to scream until I woke up."

Zevran's eyes widened in surprise and he hugged him more tightly. "Air, I'm so sorry –"

Airam laughed again. "What for? It wasn't your fault. But see, even now, you're protecting me, even from my own weakness. And you call yourself a monster?"

It sounded so nice, it would be easy to believe those kind words, but… he shook his head. The risk he would hurt Airam like he hurt – the risk was still too high. And that was the only thing that mattered. He would not allow it, no matter what the price. If something happened to Airam… he shivered a little, remembering those three days after the battle at Denerim, when he thought he had lost him. He would rather throw himself on a sword than go through that again.

"Do you remember the first night you joined us?"

Of course he did. It wasn't likely he would ever forget that. But to remember the time when he was willing to kill Airam was not his favourite pastime. He nodded, unwillingly.

"There you were, the monster Crow, sneaking in the tent of a royally stupid Warden who spared your life and was now sleeping peacefully, helpless and vulnerable –"

"You were none of that."

"But you didn't know that, right? I played my part quite well, I'd say. Though I was terribly nervous and I almost cast an ice spell the moment you knelt down. And when you reached out, I thought I would jump out of my skin. But do you remember what you did after that, oh greatest of all monsters? You patted my hair as if I was some two-year-old and then wanted to walk away. Quite disappointing, you know."

"What did you expect, a kiss?" It was easy to joke about it now, but back then… Airam was much closer to death than he knew, much closer than Zevran was ever willing to admit.

"Is that what the assassins normally do when they come to kill their mark, then? Well… that is a monstrosity, I agree. And ever since then, you were the voice of mercy every time it seemed the scary mage elf went too crazy… please Warden, don't kill the little girl! Don't exterminate the elves! Please show mercy to mages! Jowan deserves a second –"

"Ah, you cruel man, now my pride is crushed completely. I do not have such a squeaky voice."

Airam smirked. "If you say so. But anyway, it is true. You were the voice of sanity, when the darkness threatened to consume me, you were there with your jokes and comments, rays of light in the darkness. Without you, I would become the fearsome maleficar. You saved me, and many many others. So don't you dare call yourself a monster again."

"Hmmm yes, you are right. It seems I am holier than Divine herself. How could I not notice before? I'm a living perfection, yes? Without any flaws. No wonder you love me."

"Oh I don't know. I could name a few flaws, if you wished. Like… wallowing in self-pity."

"I assure you, amore mio, that I have never been wallowing in anything, let alone in self pity."

"Basking, then," quipped Airam.

"That's better, yes." Zevran wanted to kiss him, but the crazy kid got up, chuckling at the sight of his frustrated expression.

"What are you doing? Where are you going? Come back here, you crazy kid!"

"No no. You said you wanted to be alone, I shall not bother you any longer. Basking in self pity is demanding – "

Brasca, this crazy kid was driving him insane sometimes. Getting up as well, he wrapped his hands around Airam's waist, pressing him to his body as close as possible, and kissed him passionately.

"Zev… are you sure? You don't have to…" said Airam softly, when they finally broke the kiss.

Chuckling, Zevran scooped him in his arms, and carried him to the bed. "I have never been surer. Didn't you know? After a long, nice basking, us big wild cats need to ravish some tender meat…"

"Then do your worst, silly monster assassin."

For a brief moment, he just stood above him, enjoying the view. Airam's eyes were already sparkling with desire, no trace of doubts or worries. Always trusting, always giving himself completely.

"Just don't forget you said that, amore," he purred, leaning to kiss him again.

He still wasn't sure if he deserved this trust. But he knew he would rather die a most painful death than fail it. Because in it was everything. Hope. Life.

Love.

PS: The new chapter of Failed to Fail was supposed to be up today or tomorrow, but my notebook decided it was too tired of life and died quietly yesterday evening, taking my stories with it. I have older versions in my mail, but it will still take some time to recreate them. So please have patience with me.

Thank you for all the support, reviews and faves!