Chapter 4

Diary

A new day is coming!

It's still dark outside, but I'm awake. You didn't have a good night, did you? You two cried some rivers this night. So I fed you, I carried you around, I changed your diapers. But you continued to bawl out your souls. Then I took you both in my arms and took a seat on the rocking chair. And I sang our song. "I can't give you anything but love". When you heard that you two became silent and you looked at me with your wonderful eyes and you listened. That moment was so beautiful. I don't want to forget that for my whole life. I sang along and then you both fell asleep.

And because you're still sleeping now I will tell you the story of your birth. I'll call it

Happy Thanksgiving!

It was November 25, Thanksgiving. And your mum looked like a big whale, I mean, there were two babies in my stomach. When I woke up this morning I didn't feel anything but my back hurt like hell. I took a shower, put on my clothes and then made my way to County. I had to bring a cake for the Thanksgiving party and I had to show Lydia how to write our schedules. I lost the cake on the way to the hospital and Lydia wasn't there. So I went back home.

When I was sitting in the El I recognized that my water broke. I panicked. I was scared and nervous. And then the contractions began. It hurt badly. Anyhow I managed to get out of the El and I took a seat on a bench. So I was sitting there with contractions and not able to go on. God, I was so scared and I had to think about your daddy. I wished that he was there with me. But instead of him Luka came. He brought me back to County. I was glad he was there because I collapsed on the way to there. So he carried your mommy to County!

And in the ER I delivered my first baby. Tess. My daughter. I've chosen this name because your daddy wanted to give this name our first daughter. When we talked about getting a baby for the first time he told me that, if we get a daughter, he wants to name her Tess. I've chosen his name.

You were so little, so cute and so beautiful. I was in love with you from the very beginning. If just your daddy would've been there to see this...

The second baby still needed some time. But when it was its turn everything was hectic and complicated. The baby in my stomach didn't feel well. I had to have a c-section. And that had to be done very quickly. I was so scared, little ones. I prayed to god to save my baby. I creid. I just wanted that this baby is alive. I'm so glad that Mark was there. He helped me so much.

My second daughter was born. She was blue like a plum. I was so scared. I just wanted to hold that baby, just like Tess earlier. But the little, helpless girl had to examined first. It was horrible not to have you by my side. Then I collapsed again.

Later I woke up in my room. Uncle Mark was holding Tess in his arms and in the little bed there was lying my second, healthy, beautiful baby girl. I was so happy! And I knew right away that you little bee would be a fighter. That baby girl was so small, so cute and so beautiful!

I gave you the name of Mark's mother's middle name. Kate.

Tess and Kate, the fighters! This year's Thanksgiving I won't forget my whole life.

Uncle Mark and aunt Lizzy are your godparents. We had a little party for you, when you had your christening. I think you liked that party, it was very nice.

Of course I called your daddy when you were born. He was so happy and he said that he wanted to be there. I wanted him to be there too. He cried and I cried and he said that he's proud of us. And I asked him to come visit you.

Tess and Kate Ross, my daughters, my fighters, welcome on earth!"

Hey sweeties!

How nice that you two are here. Do you know how much I love you? I can't tell you how much. I want to thank you that you're here with me. Every breath you take makes my heart jump. I'm so thankful that you two are healthy. My little ones, every one of you is an individual although you look the same.

In your first months I could watch you quite easy. The sleepyhead of you both is Tess. You're sleeping so much like you're thinking that there isn't anything to miss on earth. I think you're coming after me with that habit. The only problem is that you're then sleeping when Kate is awake. I think you two planned that just to annoy your mum, am I right?

When you're awake I always think you're starving. When I don't give you the bottle immediately, you're screaming your lungs out of you. I think you want to become big as soon as possible. You're a very friendly baby.

My little Katie is quite the opposite of you. You're sleeping a lot too but not so much like Tess. And you need a lot of room while you're sleeping. Your sleeping position is changing very often.

When you're awake, you want to rule the world. You're so curious and you're looking around so you don't miss anything. When there is nothing happening around you, you get bored and you give a sign, like "Hey, where is the action today?"

You don't seem to be afraid of anything. You like it when it is loud around you. I can imagine that you'll have some great adventures when you're older. You'll discover the world as soon as possible.

That's you my little ones and I love all your sides you have. You mean everything to me. And I want to thank you both. Thank you that you're here with me and that you two are like you are.

I want to be there for you forever, help you and have fun with you. No matter if you'll get older, you two can always come to me and talk with me. I'll be there for you.

Even if I have to go to work tomorrow, if you need me, I'll be there. I'll miss you babes!

Good evening little sweetie pies!

I'm at home. Thank god. As you can see I survived my first day after the break. And as I can see, your grandmother did a good job with you. She even washed your pajamas! Isn't that funny?

My day wasn't funny at all. I was excited to go back to work again but it was totally different today. I missed you, every inch of you! I was thinking about you all the time!

Of course I was totally slowly today...I mean, I wasn't working for weeks. But everybody was a pain in the neck. All the time they were saying, get another day off, or this is missing and this has to be done. Half of the day we didn't have water to drink.

My little ones, I'm rusted in. Maybe it wasn't time to go back. I cried like a baby in the hospital, just like you two do sometimes. No, more than you two cry together. Aunt Lizzy and aunt Chuny saw me crying. That was so awkward! You two have an awkward, crazy mum! I'm so sorry babies!

But sometimes it's just good to cry. I'm thinking about so many things. About my life. About your life. If I'm doing everything right. How we should go on.

Sometimes I think that I can't go on anymore. Then I want to surrender. And I look at you. You're so little but so strong. I feel that you're strong. You look at me like you want to say: "Pull yourself together and be strong!" Then I think that I can do it and I go on. I'm fighting, I'm crying, I'm thinking about you and everything is okay again.

I couldn't believe how much I could miss you. Did you two miss me?

Now we're together again. My little Tess is sleeping and Katie is wide awake. Your squeezing my right index finger very hard and I think you're smiling! Yes you are smiling! That is so sweet baby! I love seeing you two smiling! I'm smiling with you Katie! Let's smile together!

Do you know how much I love you and your sister? I love you sooooooo much. I thank god for giving me such beautiful, wonderful babies. Even if I'm missing something very much – I'm happy. I give you a smile!