Okay, for anyone who watches General Hospital or Toddlers and Tiaras, I'm terribly sorry if I offended you or totally butchered what the shows mean to you, or what actually happens in them. I don't watch either and their basically just fodder for this chapter.

On an unrelated note, I once had to read an essay on Toddlers and Tiaras for a class, and it talked about how reality TV wasn't all that bad, and is actually quite insightful to our views of America and blah blah blah it didn't convince me any reality tv show was worth watching. So yeah, that might've made its way into this chapter, but I have no personal stakes in the meaning of soap operas or reality TV. They just...exist.

Anyways, enjoy!

Chapter Four

SHIELD Helicarrier

9:41 AM

Jake always wondered what it was like to get eaten alive. He didn't actually think he'd get firsthand experience.

He knew the situation was bad as soon as he lost his lucky hat. It was all downhill from there – quite literally, since he fell into Nova's bowl of chips. He was so small that he just bounced off the potato slices, giant golden boards that provided a strong fixture to hold onto. Jake's weight didn't even crack their surface.

He looked around as Nova carried the bowl away, shouting to his friends, "Help! Help!"

But even if they could hear him in the loud room, there was nothing else the other four could do. They just watched, powerlessly, as Nova carried the bowl and Jake in it out of the kitchen. At first, Jake wasn't too worried – he could find a way out of here, just as soon as Nova set down the bowl on a surface. Jake could just climb out and make his way back to the kitchen.

When Nova started eating from the bowl of chips, it finally occurred to Jake that he might be in greater trouble than he originally thought. He tried catching the super-kid's attention, but his cries went unheard. How could no one hear the tiny screams of any individual his size? It seemed as though fate was getting back at him for all those times he stuck gum to the underside of desks, or talked back to a teacher with some snide remark. Or all the times he never did his homework and cheated on a test.

Really, there was a whole list of things Jake was guilty of, any one of them could be the reason for this karmic retribution.

(Although, Jake thought to himself, this was a bit disproportionate. Who get killed over some wads of gum and unfinished math problems?)

Nova carried the bowl to what looked like a break room. For a second, Jake was envious – why did the superheroes get all the cool toys? Jake certainly never owned his own arcade machine or candy bar. What would Jake do for a Klondike Bar?

This totally made risking your life everyday fighting homicidal, super-powered maniacs worth it.

But his brief moment of jealousy was over as soon as Nova flopped onto the couch and turned on the TV to some cruddy reality TV show. Jake scrambled back and forth across the flat forms of golden chips, trying to avoid the ginourmous hand that reached down and grabbed fistfuls of salty, potatoey goodness.

Jake had been to several summer camps over the course of his pitiful teenaged life. His father, in an attempt to instill some discipline in his idiot of a son, sent Jake to a Junior Boot Camp in preparation for joining the army (since Jake was more than likely going to wash out of college before his first year was over). Jake didn't particularly enjoy Boot Camp, but he had to admit the training through obstacle courses had finally come in handy.

Never before had he run so hard, jumped so high, successfully completed a perfect somersault – like an action hero in the movies, yeah! – until he tripped and fell flat on his face.

That move would be his doom.

Jake wasn't fast enough getting up when Nova reached down again and grabbed another handful of chips. This time, he took Jake with him, and Jake could only wince and squeeze his eyes shut as he was launched straight into Nova's mouth.

Miraculously, that was not the end of Jake as we know it. Somehow, perhaps through sheer luck, Jake was not ground up into tiny Jake bits, but rather managed to avoid the grim death between Nova's teeth and merely surfed the waves of his saliva and chunks of potato chips before getting trapped in the back of Nova's mouth.

When eating chips, one is likely to get some of it stuck in the back of the mouth, behind the teeth where the tongue had difficulty reaching. This was where Jake ended up, stuck and unable to move, as Nova continued eating chips.

When Nova spoke, it was like being in a really gross wind tunnel. Someone else was in the break room, but obviously Jake couldn't see or hear who it was.

Whoever it was, Nova didn't seem to like him, if the annoyed tone and shouting were anything to go by. Jake had quite trying to call for help at this point, since not only could he not be heard, but the smell in here was quite atrocious.

Then Nova started to get up and move around, which made Jake feel sick to his stomach. It was bad enough being trapped in this ugly dark cavern with nowhere to go and constantly choking on the air, but now Jake felt like he was so sliding closer and closer to the back of Nova's throat. That was the last place he ever wanted to be.

Whatever was going on, Nova was having a discussion, and argument of some sort. Jake was pleading to whatever deity that would listen to help him out of this situation, to get him out of here. Just please, please, please, anything, anything at all that would help – he didn't want to die, he wanted to see his friends again. He didn't care what it took. He'd scrape off every piece of gum he stuck under tables, he'd do all the homework he never did, retake all the tests he cheated on, go join the Army like his dad wanted him to. Anything, so long as he got of here.

Then, of course, Nova had to burp.

That was even worse than the breathing, the chewing, the swallowing. Jake let out a strangled cry as he was suddenly dislodged from his spot and went tumbling down into Nova's dark, endless gullet.

Well, this was going to be a fun ride.

OoOoO

Nova let out a tremendous burp as they were walking down the halls. Spider-Man threw the kid a disgusted look, "Dude, seriously?"
"C'mon, don't tell me you're not impressed." Nova smirked, patting his stomach with his fist. "That's the sound of a happy belly."

"That's the sound of indigestion," Spider-Man muttered under his breath, turning around and continuing forward down the hall. Nova was not his first pick for help – in fact, Nova wasn't even on the list. He'd ask the Green Goblin before Nova, but Gobby was currently locked up in a cell, staring at white walls in a giant straightjacket. "Come on, we don't have a lot of time. If Nick Fury comes back on his lunch break and those kids are still missing, then we'll never get out of this perpetual hell of tourism."

"Ugh," Nova groaned, his shoulders slumping. "Great. Well, where do we look first, Webhead?"

Spider-Man explained what he had already done so far, such as searching the floor that the kids got lost on and getting Agent Larue on the job to check security feeds in case the kids popped up anywhere. But she was also threatening to rat them out as soon as Fury came around, and Spider-Man was beginning to question his judgment about involving her. Then he explained his future steps, was only one: Find five kids in the next twenty minutes or die trying.

"Are you serious?" Nova said scathingly, as soon as Spider-Man was done. "That's your plan of action?"

"Hey, I didn't say it was the best plan!" Spider-Man retorted, holding up an indignant finger and waving in Nova's face. "It was just the only one I could think of!"

"Because that makes it better!"

"Well, if you think it's so bad, come up with a better one!" Spider-Man challenged. While he had very low expectations of just what Nova could accomplish, he was secretly hoping that maybe Nova would miraculously come upon a moment of clarity and provide the both of them with a genius scheme. "Otherwise, don't complain, Buckethead."

Nova just threw Spider-Man a scowl and stomped off ahead. Clearly, that moment of clarity was never going to happen. "Forget it. Let's just find those morons and get this over with. I can't believe I'm sacrificing my afternoon for your mistake."

"My mistake?" Spider-Man said, offended. He followed Nova, determined to set this matter straight. "It was you who set fire to the kitchen, not me! If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't be dealing with this at all. No one would have to do stupid tours or trips."

On and on it went, the fire of argument restarted. Nova and Spider-Man went back and forth, not really paying attention to the direction they were heading, and almost completely blind to their surroundings as the pointed fingers and shouted in each other's faces.

Danny, who had just finished his tour, came around the corner and saw them walking by. He was about to wave and ask if either of them wanted to play Space Paranoids with him, but saw that they were in a heated discussion about blame-placement. Realizing that any involvement would lead to even worse circumstances, Danny clamped his mouth shut and backed down the way he came, going completely unnoticed by the other two.

But it wasn't until Nova and Spider-Man walked into someone else did they realize that, uh, maybe arguing wasn't the best idea.

In fact, they hit this newcomer so hard that the two of them fell back, while the third just stared down at the two teens, scowling with one eye with a sandwich in his hand.

"Director Fury!" Nova and Spider-Man shouted at the same time. Neither were sure if they should salute or not, so they just looked at each other and exchanged equal looks of terror. Or, that's what they would be if you had taken off their masks, but still.

Nick Fury just sighed and said, "I really shouldn't be surprised that it's you two that ruin my lunch break. What are you arguing about this time?"

Spider-Man was the first to get to his feet. "We were just, uh, talking about the superiority of soap operas over reality TV!"

Nova was so shocked he was speechless for a moment. When Fury turned to him for confirmation, Nova just opened and closed his mouth for a few seconds, unable to come up with a quick reply. "Uh...uh...right! Yeah, that's exactly what we're doing. But I think Toddlers and Tiaras is way better than General Hospital!"

Although this was just a charade, Spider-Man got offended nonetheless. Yeah, yeah, it was unprofessional and probably not a good idea when it was just a cover up, but he could not take that kind of insult lying down. "It is not! General Hospital has way better characters, and its plot can actually carry the season! Multiple seasons! What happening on the next episode of Toddlers and Tiaras? Oh, gee, another beauty contest, what a shock!"

"Shut up!" Nova punched Spider-Man in the shoulder. He was surprised how far the Webhead was taking this. Were they really going to have a fake-real argument in front of their boss? Well, he was totally up for it! "You just don't appreciate the reality of mothers living vicariously through their daughters and living their dream of wasting money and winning awards! It's commentary on our current society as a whole!"

"Commentary on our society? Please!" Spider-Man scoffed, tossing his head in scorn. "The only thing its commentating is killing brain cells through example! No one with half a brain would watch that schlock!"

"Yeah, it makes us feel better about ourselves as morally superior beings!" Nova snapped back. "But what does General Hospital do? Teaches you that dating multiple people is okay if you love them all equally!"

"Not true!"

Nick Fury, having been completely forgotten, sighed once more and hung his head. Without a dismissal or farewell, he just turned on his heel and walked away, letting the two duke it out on their own. That was the last thing he wanted to deal with today.

To himself, Fury muttered, "Worst idea I ever had."