Not for Now, but for Eternity: Chapter 4, Baby, baby, baby...
Thanks to my lovely Beta, fuzzyltlwingedthing.
After finishing my work for the day, I left my office and headed home, but before going home, I stopped at Walgreens and bought a pregnancy test. I was almost positive that I was pregnant, but I needed the test to know for sure.
If it was positive, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I knew what Edward would want me to do. But I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.
I walked around Walgreens for a while, adding some other things, stuff I probably didn't need, to my basket. Buying a pregnancy test was like buying tampons or condoms, you always added other things to the order, to distract the cashier from the fact that you were buying condoms or tampons.
Not that it really works, but it's worth a try.
I grabbed my bags and headed out to my Prius, a few minutes later I arrived at my apartment and grabbed my bags yet again. I dropped them at the front door and walked straight to the bathroom.
I tore the box open and started reading the directions.
And then I stopped. I can't do this alone. I can't sit in a bathroom, by myself, and pee on a stick. I can't watch my future change, or not change, in a bathroom, by myself. I just can't do it.
I walked back out to my living room and grabbed my phone out of my purse.
I scrolled through my contacts, looking for who I needed and pushed call.
"Hey," I heard my sister-in-law, Rose say.
"Hey," I replied. I opened my refrigerator door to look for something for dinner.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Are you busy tomorrow?" I pulled open my crisper drawer to get lettuce, carrots and cucumbers.
"Not really," she replied. I could hear the TV in the background and thought I heard sizzling, but I wasn't sure.
"Are you cooking?" I asked.
"Yeah, we're having Tacos for dinner. It was EJ's night to pick."
"That's sounds good," I replied. "Can I come over tomorrow?" I asked. Rose would hold my hand through this, I knew that she would.
"Sure, or you could come over now and have tacos with me and your nephews," and then I heard a crinkling sound and her yell, 'EJ stop bouncing on the couch.'
"Ok," I replied. "I'd love to come over. Rose and I chatted for a few more minutes and then I hung up, collected the test, shoved it into my purse and grabbed my keys to head to Rose's house, 20 minutes away.
"Aunt Bella," I heard my nephews scream after parking my car and getting out. They clobbered me in the driveway, before I even made it into the house.
"Hey guys," I said, a smiling filling my face, and hugged and kissed each of them.
"Wanna see my Kindergarten work?" EJ asked.
"Sure baby," I replied. He grabbed me by the hand and led me into the house, excited to show off his school work.
After thumbing through paper bag puppets, stop signs and letters of the alphabets drawn repeatedly, Rose finally announced it was time for dinner. We sat at the table and talked some more about school. After dinner was over, I helped Rose wash the boys and put them down for bed. I went downstairs to sit on the couch. I was tired from the day, and I knew that the conversation ahead of us was going to be a long one.
"Here," I heard Rose say, handing me a glass of red wine.
"I'll pass," I replied.
"Are you sick?" Rose asked, looking at me concerned.
"No," I replied. "Why?"
"I've never known you to refuse wine before," she replied, taking my glass and sitting it down next to me.
"Yeah, I'm not in the mood," I replied, trying to blow off her comment like it was unimportant.
"So," Rose sat down next to me on the couch and put her feet on the end table in front of her. "What's up?"
"Do you regret having kids with Emmett?" I asked, quickly looking down to my cuticles for a place to chew.
"No," Rose replies.
"Really?" I ask, looking up at her crystal blue eyes.
"Not at all. I love my boys. And Emmett would've too," she replies.
"Don't you feel cheated that he's missing everything?" I ask. I don't want to make Rose mad, or upset her.
"No, I think that he's watching every move those boys of ours are making," she replies.
"But don't you wish he was here, raising them with you, instead of dead?"
"Absolutely, I do. But I had no control over that and you know it." She picks up her wine glass and takes a big gulp before continuing.
"What's this about Bella?" she asks looking at me pointedly.
"I think I'm pregnant," I replied, pushing my finger further into my mouth, annihilating my cuticle.
October 2001
Staunton, VA
"I love you," he whispered into my ear before nibbling on it.
"I love you too," I replied. "So much," I moved my head so that I could kiss him on the lips and as soon as our lips met the now familiar bolt of electricity surged through my body. I was basking in post-coital bliss and loving it.
"How much?" He asked.
"A lot," I replied.
"Enough to marry me," he asked, pushing his face into my armpit. I loved being here. Naked and wrapped in Edward's arms. Comfort and security surrounded me.
"What?" I asked, I thought I heard him just ask for to marry him.
"Marry me," he replied and I watched as he reached behind him into his pants to retrieve a box.
"What?" I was fully alert and oriented now.
"Marry me," he asked again, popping to top of the box open to reveal a stunning diamond ring.
"Um," I said, pulling my lip into my mouth and chewing on it. Did I want to be engaged? Did I want to get married? I wasn't sure. I knew I wanted Edward forever, and I guess the only way I would get that was by marrying him.
"Um', is not an answer," he said, "Emmett gave me his blessing."
"Yes," I finally reply. I wasn't really certain about this, but Edward was giving me his puppy dog face and I couldn't resist the puppy dog face. I watched as he slipped the silver ring onto my finger and then kissed me.
"In twenty years, when we're recounting our engagement story to our children, let's leave the 'after having fantastic sex, I asked your naked mother to marry me' part out of the story." He chuckled a little and ran his hand through his hair.
"Our kids?" I replied, taking a big gulp after that statement. I wasn't so sure about this kid thing. I didn't really like children. They tended to be loud, messy and smelly. Three of my least favorite things.
"Yes, you know, the boy and girl that we are going to have," he replied, "after you're done with your internship and residency, and I'm out of the Navy. By that time, we'll be financially secure enough to give them the best of everything," he continued to talk but I tuned him out. I wasn't sure if kids were ever in my future. I couldn't see planning my life around a child. Or going through labor. That didn't strike me as something that I wanted to do. Maybe I wasn't normal. Didn't most women want children? Have a biological urge to have children? Was I broken? I didn't know.
"I'm not sure about that," I replied, interrupting him from his ramblings.
"About what? Moving to the country? We can negotiate that. I just don't want my kids in the city, with pollution and the school system; we'd have to find the perfect place for the house—"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I interrupted, getting up and flinging the sheets off the bed. I grabbed my robe off the hook by the door and pulled my hair up.
"What?" Edward asked, looking at me. "We don't have to live in the country if you don't want to. It was just a suggestion."
"I don't want children," I replied, looking down at the floor. I was almost ashamed to say that.
"How can you not want children? Every woman wants children," he stood up and pulled his boxers on.
"Not every woman. Every time I think about the future, it never has children in it. Never."
He walks over to his bag and pulls on a pair of PT's to go work out. "We don't have to have children," he blew some air out of his mouth and his bangs flew up in a wave. "I just thought," and then he stopped. "I just want you," he finished. "Kids are just a bonus." He walked out of my dorm room door and out the front door of the dorm.
I looked at my hand, the beautiful diamond sparkling on my finger. I loved Edward. But could I let him down and not give him what it seems like he wanted? I wasn't sure. Could I have a child to make him happy? No, I don't think that would be fair to the kid, or Edward, who would end up raising it.
I closed my door quietly and headed over to Alice's room, she lived across the hall from me. I knocked quietly as it was before nine, and waited patiently for her to come to the door.
"What the—"I heard a voice mumble, the door swung open and there stood Jasper in nothing but boxer shorts. "Bells," he said, pulling the door open enough for me to see him.
"I need Alice," is all I said, pushing past him and into her room.
My best friend was still lying in bed, half awake, her short dark brown hair poking in all different directions.
"Bella, it's not even—"she turns her head to look at the clock, "nine am. What the hell? On a Saturday, Bells? Really?"
"Look," is all I say, shoving my hand into her face. She grabs my hand and squints at my engagement ring.
"Nice. Platinum setting, Emerald cut, 2 carats. Good job, Edward. Look Jas," Alice says, yelling to her boyfriend, "didn't Edward do a nice job with Bella's engagement ring?" Jasper had been planning on asking Alice for a while. He just hadn't gotten up the nerve yet.
"Yes he did, I was there when he picked it out."
"Hmph," is all Alice says.
"Is that why you woke us up at nine am?" Jasper asked, looking at me pointedly.
"No, I need to talk to Alice. Why don't you go find Edward? I think that he's PTing."
"Sure, Bells. But make it fast. Alice and I were, uh, in the middle of something."
Jasper pulled on some PT's and exited the room. Alice found a shirt and pulled it on, covering her lace clad breasts.
"Spill. What's wrong? And why the hell did you bother me on a Saturday morning right before I was going to have fantastic sex with my super-hot boyfriend?"
"He wants kids," I expelled through clenched teeth. "And he wants to get married, he wants ME to have HIS kids."
"So?" Alice replied. "You and Edward would have beautiful kids."
"That's not the point. I don't like children Alice. They smell. There messy. There expensive. I want a life. I want to travel. I don't want to be weighed down with children. That's like 18 years of your life, gone! And he wants more than one. I can't give him that."
"Did you tell him that?" she asked, she was going through her drawers looking for pants I assumed.
"Yes," I replied. "He backtracked and said that he just wanted me, that kids were a bonus. But I saw the look in his eyes, he wants children as much as I don't want children."
"He loves you," Alice said, pulling on her pants and pushing her feet into shoes. "Let's go smoke," she pulled me up and we headed outside to the front stoop of our dorm. Our boys know we smoke, and they don't like it, but they look the other way.
"You would never, ever, consider having children?" Alice said, taking a deep inhale of her cigarette and blowing out.
"No," I replied. "I have other things that I want to do. I want a career. I want to travel. I don't want messy, screaming children who drain the life out of you."
"There only messy and screaming for the first year or so," Alice replied, blowing another puff of smoke out. "If that's how you feel, then talk to Edward about it. But you know, Edward, would do anything for you. If you don't want children, I'm sure he wouldn't push you."
"Maybe you're right," I replied.
Present Day
Richmond, VA
"Did you take a test?" Rose asked, pouring some more wine into her glass.
I grabbed my purse and pulled the box that the test was in out of my purse, "not yet."
"What are you waiting for?" she asked, standing up and grabbing my arm to pull me up.
"I didn't want to do this by myself," I replied quietly.
"You don't have to," she said, leading me into the bathroom, "sit."
I sat down on the toilet seat and she took the directions out of the box.
"Have you missed a period?" she asked, looking at the directions.
"Yes," I replied.
"Has it been over four weeks?"
"Yes," I replied again.
"Any symptoms?" she asks.
"Morning sickness," I replied. "Tiredness. Sore breasts."
"Here," she says, handing me a stick, "pee on this." She hands me the test and I look at her.
"Really, Bells? You've seen me push a baby out of my hooha. I think I can handle you peeing on a stick." She just gave me a look, that look she had perfected for my brother, and I stood up, pulled my pants down and peed on the stick.
"Now what?" I ask, looking at her.
"Put it on the counter, it takes five minutes." I finished and pulled my pants up.
"Does Edward know?" Rose asked.
"No," I replied. "Edward is not even speaking to me right now."
"Uh huh, why now, Bella?"
"I told him to leave," I washed my hands and dried them.
"Why?"
"He signed on for two more years," I replied. "And we got in a fight. And he left. And now he's in Germany, injured and probably still mad at me."
"Wait," Rose said, putting her hand up, "Edward is injured?"
"Yeah," I replied. "The notification team came to the morgue today."
"Badly?" She asked.
"I'm not sure. They made it sound like it was minor, but they're shipping him home, so I don't know." I looked down at the test and saw it. The plus sign. The damn test was positive. Now what the hell would I do?
"You need to tell him," Rose said, picking the test up.
"I need to figure out what I'm going to do," I replied.
"What is there to do?" Rose replied. "You're having a baby," Rose said.
"I don't want a baby," I replied quietly, I looked at the carpet; I knew what Rose was going to say.
"You should've thought about that before you had unprotected sex," I knew that would be the answer. "You need to talk to Edward before you make any decisions."
"I don't want a baby," I repeated. "I don't like small children."
"You like EJ and Aaron," Rose replied.
"I can give them back," I replied.
"I'm not going to tell you what to do Bella, because truthfully, it's your decision. Yours and Edward's decision. But if you don't include Edward in this decision, he'll never forgive you."
She pulled me into her arms and gave me a hug. I loved my sister in law. I really did. I just needed to make a decision.
July 2006
Norfolk, VA
"Are you ok baby?" Edward asked, snuggling up against me. I could feel him poking my ass, but I didn't mind.
"Cramps," I replied. Edward and I had been together long enough to be able to talk about stuff like that.
"Anything that I can do to help," he asked. He was so sweet when I didn't feel good.
"Some tea, maybe?" I replied, turning towards him to try to get comfortable.
"Tea, ok, and maybe some Midol?"
"That would be nice," I replied.
A few minutes later I go up to go to the bathroom and almost passed out.
"EDWARD," I screamed, there was a large amount of blood in the toilet, with some really big clots that didn't at all look normal.
"What?" he said, pushing the door open to the bathroom and stopping in his tracks.
"I think—" I replied, "I think—I don't feel good."
"What's wrong baby?" he asked, kneeling down in front of me.
"I'm dizzy—Edward there's a lot of blood." I pointed to the toilet and watched him peek through my legs.
"That's a lot of blood, Bella. Is that—um—normal?"
"No, and my stomach feels like its ripping in two," Edward went out of the room and came back with my robe, some slippers and bed sheets.
"I'm taking you to the hospital," he said, wrapping the robe around me and putting my feet in the slippers.
"No," I replied. "I don't want to go to the hospital."
"You're going," he replied and he picked me up and carried me downstairs and placed me gently in the backseat of his car.
I could hear him talking but I wasn't sure who it was he was talking to, until we pulled up to the hospital and my brother and a very pregnant Rosalie met us at the entrance to the ED. He signed me in and then carried me over to a waiting room chair and placed me on his lap, safely ensconced in the sheets.
"Miss Swan," I heard someone yell, I tried to disentangle myself from the sheets, but was so dizzy that I tripped and landed on the floor.
"Here, Bells," Edward reached down and helped me up.
"This way," the nurse said. Edward carried me into the back of the ED and placed me on a bed indicated by the nurse.
"What's wrong today, hun?" the nurse said.
"Um, I'm having a really bad period. Horrible cramps, big clots, and lots of blood."
"Hmmm mmhh," she replied, writing continuously on a piece of paper. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six, ma'am," Edward answered for me.
"Married?" the nurse asked again, looking at me.
"Engaged," I replied.
"Any chance you could be pregnant?" she asked, still looking at me.
"No," I replied. "I'm on the pill."
"Ok, well, we'll need a urine sample. And someone will come in and draw some blood."
"Ok," I replied again, curling up into the blanket that someone had covered me with.
After a few minutes I got the urge to pee and went to the bathroom to get my sample. When I came back there was a lab technician there to draw my blood. After she was done, I laid there for a few minutes, huddled under the covers. I was freezing. It was probably the copious amounts of blood that I lost. A few minutes after that the doctor came into the room to examine me.
He looked at Emmett and Rose and then towards Edward.
"Who's the fiancé?" He asked.
"I am," Edward said, standing up to shake his hand, "Lieutenant Cullen, Navy," Edward said shaking his hand vigorously.
"Dr. Banner, Civilian," he replied, shaking Edward's hand back. "If you two," he said, nodding towards Rose and Emmett, "wouldn't mind leaving, I need to do a vaginal exam."
"Um, he doesn't have to leave?" My brother asked, looking towards Edward.
"Lieutenant, do you want to leave?" Dr. Banner asked, turning his head towards Edward.
"No, I'm staying right here with Bella," Edward said, "Em, I don't think she'd want her brother here," Edward moved up towards my head and I saw Rose tug at Emmett's hand.
"He's right," I replied. "We'll be done here in a few minutes, Em. Then we can all go to breakfast."
"Ok," he said, grabbing Rose's hand and headed out the room.
"So," Dr Banner said, looking between the two of us, "when's the big day?"
"We haven't decided yet. I just graduated from school, and well, I'm not quite settled."
"What school?" The doctor asked. I noticed that he had pulled the stirrups out from underneath the table.
"VCU Medical School," I replied. I was suddenly hot and threw the blankets and sheets off of me.
"You're a doctor?" Dr. Banner asked. The nurse from earlier had walked back into the room.
"Yup," I replied.
"What kind?" He asked, "I'm going to need you to take your underwear off, and then slide your butt all the way down to the end of the table and put your legs in the stirrups."
"Pathology," I replied, doing as he instructed.
"Did you get her test results back?" Edward asked.
"This might be a little uncomfortable, Dr. Swan, but it won't take long," I felt him pushing his fingers in and investigating the insides of my body. I disliked vaginal exams and disliked going to the gynecologist.
"Did you know you were pregnant, Dr. Swan?"
"I'm sorry?" I said, stunned. "I can't be pregnant. I'm on the pill."
"The pill is only 99% accurate, and only when used correctly. And I don't think that you are anymore. What you are experiencing is a miscarriage. From your lab levels and uterus, you were about six weeks along. I'm sorry," he said standing up and helping me take my legs out of the stirrups.
"I'm—wait—the baby—miscarriage?" I could feel the tears starting in the corners of my eyes.
"I'm very sorry," the doctor said again, leaving the room with the nurse. "We'll give you a prescription for pain medication, and you'll have to see your regular doctor in a week to make sure that you expelled everything completely."
"Ok," I said, the tears slowly starting to trickle down my face. As soon as the doctor and nurse left the room, Edward gathered me into his arms and held me while I cried.
I was pregnant, and didn't even know it. I had been growing a baby inside of me, and now, it was, gone. I was still crying when the nurse came in with a prescription and discharge papers. Edward carried me out to his car and placed me in the back seat. A few minutes later, we were back at the BOQ and he carried me in, still wrapped in a robe and sheets.
"I'm sorry, baby." Edward whispered into my ear after putting me on his bed. "I'm sorry," he kissed my head and left me there, a minute later the doorbell rang and I could feel Emmett's booming voice.
"What the hell, Cullen?" I could hear him shout through the closed door.
"You knocked up my sister," I heard Emmett yell.
"She's on the pill, Em."
And then I heard Rose's voice, clear as day. "Both of you, shut up. Bella is sick and upset. Yes, she was pregnant. But she's not anymore. Yes, Emmett, your sister has sex with Edward.-You've known that for years. Stop treating her like she's fifteen, and be the sensitive, loving brother that Bella needs you to be."
It was quiet for a few second until the door was pushed open.
"Bella," it was Rose again.
"Yeah," I replied.
"You want some pain medicine," she asked, shaking the white pharmacy bag back and forth.
"Yeah," I said, pushing my hand out from underneath the blanket.
"Here's some orange juice," she handed me two pills and a glass of OJ and I swallowed them both at once.
"Thanks," I said.
She turned around and walked out the door, back to the living room. I laid there quietly, waiting for the medication to kick in, silently crying to myself.
I woke up a few hours later, with Edward spooning behind me, I attempted to move, but his arm was pinning me to the bed.
"Edward," I said, poking his arm.
"Hmmm," he replied.
"Edward," I said again, poking his arm.
"What?"
"I have to pee, move your arm."
"I'll help you," he said, getting up and coming over to the other side of the bed before I could even sit up.
"I can pee by myself," I replied.
"The doc said you might be dizzy, just let me help you."
I gave in and let him help me. He stood with me while I went to the bathroom, and then helped me back to bed.
"I'm sorry, Edward," I said, not able to look at him.
"Why?" he asked, again kneeling down in front of me.
"I know you wanted kids, and I'm sorry," I started to cry again, the tears pouring out of my eyes.
"It's ok, Bella. In a little while, after we get married, we'll talk about it. Maybe try."
"Ok," I replied. "I changed my mind Edward. I do want your baby," I was blowing my nose on toilet paper, the tears flowing freely from my eyes.
"I want yours too," Edward replied. He helped me up and back to bed and then snuggled with me for the rest of the day.
"I love you, Bella."
"I love you, Edward," and I was fast asleep.
Present Day
Richmond, VA
I woke up the next day a little dazed and confused. I wasn't really sure where I was.
"Aunt Bella," I heard the loudest voice in the universe screech into my ear. "You're still here," I peeled back one eyelid to find my nephew, Aaron, standing about two inches from my face.
"Leave Aunt Bella alone, Aaron. She's tired and needs sleep."
"He's just excited to see me," I replied, sitting up and stretching. I walked over to Rose and grabbed a coffee mug and reached for the coffee pot.
"Ow," I said as Rose smacked my hand away. "Yours is over there. I made you decaf."
"Ew," I replied. "I hate decaf."
"It's the best thing for you, in your 'condition'," she wiggled her eye brows at me when she said that.
"Whatever," I decided to forgo my coffee and reached for OJ instead.
"Well?" Rose asked.
"Well, what Rose?"
"Did you decide?"
"Do you remember the miscarriage?" I asked.
"Of course. I had EJ a month later. Emmett was pissed at Edward."
"I promised Edward we'd have children. I just remembered last night. I dreamed about that day. About us. About how upset Edward was. He would be happy for me. And I want this. I want this with Edward. I have a career, Edward has a career. We can afford children. It's the right decision.
Rose pulled me into her arms and gave me a big hug.
I was going to have a baby.
Now I'd have to tell Edward. And Esme.