Chapter 4.
Regina walked into the house out of the afternoon sun and looked around, not seeing the teenager she was now accustomed to seeing on the couch watching television. She called out, but received no answer. Frowning, she put her bag down and opened the fridge; she noticed there had been juice in the fridge earlier, now there wasn't. Perhaps Emma was in her room, she thought, and made her way there.
Knocking on the door, she still received no answer, but cracked it open anyway. There was Emma asleep in her bed, but Regina's face crinkled with worry as she opened the door further and spotted the whiskey bottle on the bedside drawers. She sighed; admittedly, she hadn't even thought to be concerned with alcohol, but it seemed obvious – she was a teenager after all.
Emma groaned and slowly opened her eyes, seeing the older woman looking at the whiskey bottle.
Regina heard the groan and looked at her, "Oh, dear…"
Emma smiled clumsily, "You're pretty" she slurred, turning onto her side to look at her teacher.
Regina sighed, "And you're drunk."
"Mm," Emma agreed, reaching out a hand to hold Regina's and pull her closer, "But you're more pretty than I am drunk," she claimed.
Regina shook her head, "No, dear, I think not. Did you have this whole bottle to yourself?"
Emma nodded somewhat proudly, "Yep, sorry, I should have left you some, huh?"
Regina rolled her eyes at the drunk teenager, "Why don't you get some sleep? We'll talk later."
Emma shrugged, "I like talking to you," she said as her eyelids grew heavy.
The older woman sighed, "I like talking to you too," she smiled as she put a hand through the teenagers hair as her eyes started to close, "That's it, sleep," she whispered before kissing her on the forehead.
"You kissed me," Emma mumbled, "That's nice."
Regina shook her head as she left the room. She knew this wasn't typical teenage drinking. She also knew Emma was drunk enough to say a thousand more embarrassing things if she stayed in the room with her; the best thing to do was wait for her to sleep it off so they could have a proper conversation.
She replaced the whiskey bottle with a glass of water and settled on the couch as she did some marking in front of the television, waiting for Emma to wake up.
Emma groaned as she woke up and yawned, rubbing her eyes as her head throbbed. Ugh, she thought, it had been so long since she'd turned to drink, but one stupid session with her psychiatrist and in a moment of weakness she'd ruined things…again. She pulled the pillow over her head, clenching her teeth and trying to block the pain from her head, which, of course, never worked.
She threw the pillow to the end of the bed and it was then that she realised the whiskey bottle had been replaced with a glass of water and the memory of Regina finding her still drunk flooded back. Groaning again, she swore. She hadn't meant to sleep so long, she'd meant to get up before Regina got home and clean up. She'd gotten used to it in the group homes; she'd just hide the bottles in a neighbours bin or under a pile of other recyclables and getting sober by the time anyone else got home…then waiting for them to leave again so she could pull the bottles back out.
She wondered about the conversation that would take place when she left her room. A lecture, she supposed. She'd wondered if she'd pushed things too far. That made her angry and she put her head in her hands, she'd only been here a few days and she'd probably already screwed things up. Truth was, she enjoyed living with Regina, it was nice having an adult around who actually listened and who actually cared and she wasn't ready to go back to being on her own.
She sighed and sculled the water down before standing up and opening the door, making her way to the kitchen. Regina was concentrated on her marking and didn't hear her come down the stairs. Emma stood awkwardly in the kitchen for a moment, before getting another glass of water. The noise attracted Regina's attention and she made her way over to the kitchen, where Emma was sculling another glass of water.
"You know, it works better if you sip it," Regina stated with a raised eyebrow.
Emma stopped sculling and nodded, "Okay," she said meekly, "I'm sorry – "
Regina shook her head, "Is this a regular thing, dear? Getting drunk in the middle of the day?"
Emma looked at her feet, ashamed, "No, it's not. I swear, it won't happen again."
"Emma, I'm not asking you so I can yell at you," Regina said gently, watching the young woman almost cower in front of her, "I'm asking so I can help you. It's hard for me to know how to help you if I don't know what's going on."
Emma nodded as she looked up at the brunette sceptically; adults were never kind to her…she knew Regina was different, but she still was an adult, right?
"It's not a regular thing," Emma said, "It kinda used to be, I guess, but I stopped drinking a while ago," she shrugged.
Regina frowned, "How long ago?"
"Like a year, I guess," Emma still couldn't meet her teachers eyes.
"What made you stop?" the brunette spoke softly, trying to look into the teenager's avoiding eyes as she moved into the kitchen, removing the bench as a barrier between the two.
Emma sniffed and took another sip of water, "Um, Belle mostly," she admitted, "She was getting really worried about me…she said if I didn't stop, she was going to tell someone, some adult… ," she shrugged, "Not that adults ever cared…until you," she finally looked up.
"It must have been bad, if she was that worried about you?" Regina asked, still trying to gauge the situation.
Emma nodded, "It was for a while. I had about three months where I drank every day, I got used to functioning on it, I suppose."
That sounded very serious for someone so young, Regina thought, "What happened today? Did something happen at the doctor's?"
Emma chewed her bottom lip, "I walked out," she muttered.
Regina sighed and put a hand under the blonde's chin, raising it to look at her, "Why, honey?"
"I can't talk to him," Emma admitted, "I've tried, really, but I just can't. I've seen so many stupid doctor's and I just freeze, I suck, I just can't – "
"You do not suck," Regina said firmly, "You're scared, Emma. It's understandable that you find it hard to trust people with the way you have grown up. We can find you someone else to see, a lot of people go through many doctor's before they find one they can trust."
Emma shook her head, "It won't work."
Regina's brow furrowed as she tried to understand, "Why not? You can talk to your friends, you talk to me quite well, it's not as though you can't articulate yourself. You just need to find a psychiatrist who you connect with."
The blonde threw up her hands in exasperation, "Because around here, they're all men. I can't talk to men."
Regina hid her reaction to this little outburst, "Okay," she said calmly, "That's fine, dear. We can find a woman for you to talk to, if that's easier."
Emma felt the heat crawling up her skin, "There isn't any. I mean," she stuttered, "around here, most of them are men and the women psychiatrists always seem to work at fancy places. It's so expensive. I don't…I can't…"
Regina's eyes widened; Emma was worried about the money? It made her kind of angry at whoever it was that had given her the idea that money was more important than her health, "Emma, we will figure it out. The money doesn't matter. I mean that, okay? This is your health, dear, it is much more important than anything else," she said softly.
Emma still shook her head, "No. I don't want you to pay for it. You're not my mom," she muttered.
Regina swallowed hard as she put a hand on Emma's cheek, "No, I'm not," she said softly, "But I care very much about you and I want you to get the help you need so you can flourish and be happy. I didn't grow up with very much family either, Emma, and in the short time I've known you, I have grown to care about you as much as any family. Please, let me help you."
Emma felt her heart clench at those words and her eyes grow watery, she stepped forward and dipped her head into Regina's chest as the older woman wrapped her arms around her.
"I'll pay you back," she mumbled against Regina's body.
"The only way you will pay me back is to keep on trying," Regina whispered.
Emma listened to her friend's voice as she closed her eyes and let it wash over her.
"Are you asleep?" Belle whispered gently.
Emma cracked her eyes open, "No, I'm awake. Keep going, please."
Belle smiled at her friend lying in her lap and continued to read. She had missed these moments with her best friend. It probably sounded juvenile to anyone else; hanging out in a tree house reading to one another, but it was their thing and always had been. It was nice to reconnect like this.
Emma yawned as she sat up as Belle finished off a chapter. She'd always loved watching Belle read, she read so intensely yet her face completely relaxed when she delved into a story. Her eyes shone like nothing else Emma had ever seen.
"Thanks Belle, this has been really nice," she spoke gently, "I've missed this."
Belle smiled, "I have too, Swan," she pulled her friend close and embraced her, "I'd forgotten how fun this is."
Emma chuckled, "It is fun. I miss reading so much," her face fell slightly.
Belle nodded, "I can't imagine what it would be like not to be able to read," she frowned, "But hey, I can read to you any time. I mean it."
The blonde teenager smiled, "Thanks, Belle," she bit her lip as she wiped the smile from her face, "Hey, um… I drank last night," she said nervously, watching her friend's face closely, trying to gauge her reaction.
Belle's face fell and she sighed, "Oh, Em. What happened?"
Emma shrugged, "I don't know," she hesitated briefly before looking into her friend's worried eyes, "I saw Dr Hopper again… I thought I could talk…but…same old, same old."
Belle put her hands over Emma's, "Em, it's okay not to be able to talk to him. Just because he's a doctor doesn't mean you'll automatically trust him. I really think you should try and find a woman to talk to, it makes sense you don't trust men, Em," she squeezed her friend's hands as Emma broke eye contact, "I can help you pay, really."
Emma sighed and closed her eyes for a moment before she opened them and looked at her friend guiltily, "I don't want you to pay, Belle," she mumbled, "Anyway, Regina, Miss Mills says she'll pay…but I don't know, I don't want that either."
"Swan, it is okay to accept help," Belle said firmly, "You're my family, you know that and family helps each other out at tough times."
"Yeah, but I'm always in tough times," Emma muttered, eyes downcast.
Belle put a hand on Emma's cheek, "You won't always be. Plus it's not like you've never helped me, Em. Remember what I was like when we were kids? I wouldn't speak a single word, and then we became friends… "
"You still don't talk much," Emma smiled.
Belle blushed, "But compared to before… You made me feel better about myself. I don't think I'd have self confidence if it wasn't for you, Em."
Emma shrugged, "Yeah you would. You're amazing, Belle."
Belle smiled, still rosy-cheeked, "I never knew that anyone thought that though, until you came along. Plus, you showed me new things, made me less…"
"Sheltered?" Emma suggested before biting her lip but her friend nodded, "New things, huh? Like smoking? Drinking?"
"Kisising," Belle said quietly before breaking eye contact.
Emma blushed too, "Well, if anyone was gonna be my first kiss, I'm glad it was you."
Belle nibbled her bottom lip, "Yeah, me too."
"Does Ruby know?" Emma suddenly asked.
Belle shook her head, "No, I guess not. It never came up. I mean, it's not like we were together or anything, we were just…"
"Experimenting?" Emma suggested.
Belle shrugged, "I guess."
Emma smiled, reminiscing, "You said you were fifteen and you still hadn't been kissed. You said nobody would ever want to kiss you."
"Yeah and you grabbed me and kissed me and said shut up, anybody who didn't want to kiss you was a total idiot," Belle shook her head.
Emma laughed, "Well, it's true," she yawned, checking her watch, "It's getting late. We should head back, your parents don't need any more reason to hate me."
Belle nodded as she packed her bag full of books and slung it over her shoulder, "So how is it with Miss Mills? Does she know about the drinking?"
Emma groaned, "Yeah, she found me drunk. I think I tried to tell her she was pretty or something," she shook her head, "I'm such an idiot."
Belle smiled sympathetically, "No, you're not. You just have a crush. But Em?"
Emma raised her eyebrows, "What?"
"Please don't drink… You know what that stuff does to you," Belle's eyes were wide and it made Emma feel guilty as all hell.
With her throat constricted, she nodded, "I know."
"Have you told Miss Mills about – "
"No," Emma answered sharply, before sighing, "You know I can't talk about it."
Belle pulled a face, "You talked about it to me."
Emma nodded, "Yeah…the only person ever," she mumbled, looking up, "Hey, maybe… never mind," she muttered.
Belle tilted her head, "What is it, Em?"
"Maybe...if I do see a woman psych…could you come with me?" she asked me meekly.
Belle's eyes misted up, "Of course," her voice cracked slightly, "Anything," she added as she wrapped her arms around her friend.
"Hey," Emma greeted Regina as she closed the door behind her, shivering, "It's freezing out there."
"Hello, dear. Did you have a nice time with Belle?" Regina asked as she turned the stove off and began to dish up dinner.
Emma nodded, "Yeah, it was great," she smiled, rubbing her arms trying to get herself warm.
Regina nodded, offering a small smile of her own, "So…" she stopped mid-thought and shook her head.
Emma frowned, tilting her head and watching the awkward brunette, "Hm? What?"
"Belle is going out with Ruby, right?" the teacher asked.
Emma nodded, "Yep."
"So you and Belle…" Regina hesitated once again.
Emma squinted, "Me and Belle… Oh, no. We're best friends. I've known her since forever, in and out of all these stupid foster home's we managed to stay in contact… she's basically the only family I have," she finished quietly.
Regina nodded, "That's why you seem so close," she concluded.
Emma shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. I mean…there was something… I mean, last year, she told me she had feelings for me," she stopped, frowning.
"And you didn't return those feelings?" Regina asked, curiously.
"Actually, I did," Emma replied quietly, "But I was so messed up… I'd only just stopped drinking. I just thought that she deserved better than me."
Regina shook her head, "Oh, dear. You think far too lowly of yourself."
Emma bit her tongue before saying, "That's what Belle said too, but I refused to put her through any more than I already had in just being her friend."
Regina frowned, "But you seem to have gotten over all that? That show's true strength of your friendship."
"We always said our friendship came first, so yeah, we got over it, and now she's with Ruby so," she shrugged.
"And you're okay with that?" the brunette watched the teenager closely.
Emma nodded, "Ruby's great and Belle really likes her so I'm happy for her. She deserves someone who can treat her right."
"So do you, dear," Regina spoke softly, "Now today, I called around and I have made you an appointment for next week. Please do not fret about the costs involved, Emma, I will take care of it and no protesting," she said firmly.
Emma bit down on her lip and nodded, "Okay… thanks, Regina. I mean it, I'm not used to having someone do so much for me…"
Regina smiled, "I know, and I plan on changing that."
"Um, I asked Belle if she'd come with me to the appointment…there's something I've only talked about with her and I think it's pretty important so," she shrugged.
The teacher nodded, deciding not to push the subject, "Of course, honey. Whatever makes you feel the most comfortable."
Emma stared at the ceiling until her eyes blurred and everything merged together. She sighed; this was ridiculous, she thought, she'd been trying to sleep for hours. She climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom, splashing water on her face and taking a deep breath.
Regina woke up with a start and rubbed her eyes quickly before she noticed the blonde teenager standing in her doorway. She sat up.
"Emma? Are you okay?" she asked concernedly.
Emma shifted on her feet anxiously, "I can't sleep. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have woken you – "
Regina rolled her eyes as her lips curled upwards, "It's okay, dear. Come here," she beckoned to Emma.
Emma approached cautiously and sat on the bed next to her teacher. Regina put a hand on her shoulder and looked at her quizzically.
"Is there something on your mind?" Regina asked.
Emma bit her lip, nodding but not speaking.
Regina frowned and put a hand in the young woman's hair, "Honey, you can't keep everything to yourself, you're allowed to need other people."
Emma was chewing the inside of cheek viciously, "I know," she muttered, "Some things are just hard to talk about."
"I know, sweetheart," the older woman said gently, "But if something is keeping you up at night, maybe it needs to be spoken about. You don't have to talk to me, just talk to someone."
"I want to talk to you, though," Emma mumbled quietly, head ducked low.
Regina's eyes softened at the sight of the deflated teenager and she put her arms around her and felt Emma nuzzle into her chest as she placed a hand in blonde hair.
"Shh, it's okay, honey," Regina comforted, "You'll talk when you're ready."