Warnings: Spoilers for Croatoan and Hunted. MILD Wincest. VERY mild.

Author's Note: The big talk! Finally!

Disclaimer: The boys and everything involving them belongs (sadly...*snif* ) to the godlike Kripke... or Chuck...well you get the drift.

Playlist: none

Reviews are highly desired ^^

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Chapter 4: Deer in the headlights

After that little 'incident' Deans worried eyes were practically glued to his brother. No outsider would have picked up on it, probably not even Bobby but Sam had him figured out in a matter of seconds.
With a sigh he rested his head against to cool window of the Impala and tried to ignore it as they drove towards the next motel to crash for the night.

He loved his brother for his protectiveness over him, especially when he turned into a complete mess like today. He was embarrassed by his freak-out, his inability to look after himself. No wonder Dean seemed to think he couldn't leave him by himself for just one minute.

Back in Rivergrove he secretly had been glad, that his brother stayed by his side. How selfish was that? If he really had turned, Dean could be dead now.

A visible shudder ran through him at the thought.

Out of the corner of his eye he could see his older brother cranking up the heat a little further without even taking his eyes off the road. Sam had to smile.

With Dean everything seemed to come naturally and out of instinct, no words needed.

But exactly that instinct had complicated things between them even further, he realised with a frown.

They still hadn't talked about the kiss, or whatever it had been. Dean probably would have preferred to simply forget about it, pretend like it never happened and go back to their normal routine, but he couldn't. The moment Deans lips had crashed against his, his mind had gone completely blank. Shocked out of his wits. He should have felt disgusted, after all, he was talking about kissing his brother here. His own brother! But disgust had had nothing to do with him pulling back. Only surprise and confusion.
There had been this one second, just before Dr. Lee had knocked them out of their bubble, where every fibre in him had screamed for Dean to get closer again, to grab him and pull him in for another kiss. And that scared the crap out of Sam.

"Home, crappy home." Dean mocked as his duffel landed with a loud creak on the bed.

Sam had followed close behind, still a little wobbly on his feed, but at least the color had returned to his face.

The room wasn't that bad, actually. Besides a TV they even had a little kitchen including a coffee machine with free coffee powder and tea bags sitting on the counter.

Dean was already busy spooning coffee into the machine and heating up some water as Sam wandered out of the bathroom showered and in a fresh set of clothes a couple of minutes later. He had practically been drenched in sweat after his breakdown and was happy to get rid of the damp fabric, clinging to him.

"What's the water for? Machine broken?" he wondered as he stuffed the dirty pile into his duffel. They would need to do laundry soon if he kept going at this rate.

"Nah, that's for you. You're not getting any caffeine tonight, you need your rest."

"And you don't?" Sam asked in a taunting tone.

"I wasn't the one fainting earlier." Dean shot back in a calm voice, not even looking up.

"I didn't faint! I..."

One perk of Dean's eyebrows was enough to shut his little brother up. Sam gave his best bitchface, causing a grin to spread on the older ones face, before he turned back to his task.

"You hungry? Let's order pizza. I'm starving." he called out over his shoulder while he got a tea bag out of the small kitchen cabinet.

"Hey Dean." was all that came back, completely disregarding the question. If Sam would have looked up at his brother instead of staring down his duffel, he would have noticed the slight cringe in his movements.

He knew that undertone in Sam's voice. Every time his brother started a conversation like that, they would either end up in a chick-flick moment or he was about to reveal something Dean wasn't sure he wanted to know about. He wasn't really in the mood for any of them. However, when Sam wanted to get something off his chest the only way to avoid bloodshed was to listen.

Composing his face into a mask of innocence he turned around and looked towards his brother.

"Hm?"

Sam's shoulders were slumped but tense. Dean had never understood how the boy was able to radiate such a level of uncertainty and confusion without even looking up.

"I...ehm...I just wanted to talk to you about something." Figured.

"I'm listening." Dean said as he turned back to get the drinks ready, since Sam didn't seem to be up for eye contact anyway, dreading the things to come.

The boy's need to get everything out in the open could be a curse sometimes. No matter how much time they had spend together on the road, Dean just couldn't get comfortable with it. But at the same time it was so Sam, that he couldn't help but go along with it. Most of the time, at least.

"Have you...I mean...did you..." Sam really had no idea how to say this. He already felt stupid for even bringing it up, not to mention his idiotic stuttering, but he just couldn't get it out of his head anymore and it was driving him insane.

Taking a deep breath he lifted his head, eyes pinched close, as he burst out: "Why did you kiss me?"

The silence that followed was deafening. He stared at his older brothers wide eyes, regretting his decision as he noticed the trapped look on his face, like a deer in the headlights.

A few seconds past before Dean was able to straighten his expression, his mind blank.
What do you say to that? How the hell was he supposed to explain a knee-jerk reaction even he didn't understand?

"I..." his voice was barely more than a whisper. "I don't know." Desperation and confusion colouring his words.

The air in the room was sizzling with tension.

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I don't know, alright? What do you want me to say, Sam?" he was getting angry now, defensive.

Sam had to swallow at that. What did he want to hear? Where was he going with all of this? He had absolutely no idea. His mind was wheeling, but he needed answers, any answer, because he didn't have any.

"Dean, I..it's just, one minute I think I am dying and in the next all I know is that you kiss me. I'm just confused, man!"

"And you think I don't? I never wanted any of this to happen, alright! Not the frigging virus thing, not this! I was overwhelmed, man, I thought I was gonna loose you. My mind just went right out of the window!"

He was pretty close to shouting at this point, wanting nothing more than to grab his stuff and run. Sam already had enough crap to deal with, he didn't need more issues by his stupid-ass brother who seemed to have lost his mind. He was supposed to protect the kid, not put him under even more pressure. 'Well done, Dean...screw up of the century...'

With a defeated moan he dropped onto the nearby chair and buried his head in his hands.

"I really don't know, Sam. If I could, I would take it all back, but I can't. I'm sorry."

His voice was quivering and so quiet that Sam nearly would have missed the end.

"I'm sorry, Sammy..."

He felt like shit. He had done this to Dean. He had been the one who couldn't let it go and now his brother was sitting across the room, desperately trying to stifle the sobs that were threatening to break through. He had never seen his brother look so small, so lost. And it was his fault.

He wanted to walk over there, lay a hand on Deans back and tell him that everything was gonna be ok, like his brother had done for him so many times. However his feet felt as if someone had nailed them to the floor. His body wasn't reacting no matter how loud his mind screamed for him to get his ass over there.

His fault...all of it.

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tbc

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So, what do you think? Will the boys be able to jump back from that?