Almost 4
In a moment, Stevie stood as if she was torn, which she was not. Her every instinct was to run after Grace. Not so much for Grace, but so she herself could escape the questioning eyes of Regan and Tess. But for a moment she stood, thinking to herself that this was not at all how she imagined it should have been. Not that night she had come downstairs looking for Regan. She hadn't known what exactly she would have said to Regan that night, only that the words somehow would have come easier then than they seemed to now. Because then it would have been simple, or so it seemed. And now it was hard to believe she was the same person as only those few days ago. It was hard to explain the things she had done, because somehow she couldn't believe she had done them. Yet she felt somehow bound to explain something, because it really wasn't fair to let Regan be angry at Grace. Not after everything Grace had done for her in the last few days. And yet, much like Grace, it seemed so much easier to turn and run. It was all too hard. And somehow she couldn't bring herself to say anything without Grace standing by her side.
Tess bothered her more than anything. She wasn't supposed to be here. It had been a sign, Tess showing up here this week. It was meant to tell her something,. She took it the wrong way at first. She often took Tess the wrong way. She loved her dearly. But when she saw her arrive on the doorstep of Drovers, it was only fear that seized her. Only the fact she felt suddenly so small, so insignificant, so not a McLeod. And words sprang into her mind. Cruel words from long ago that Tess would doubtless not even remember. And she tried to push them aside, to remember Tess who had given her a home, Tess who gave her a stake in Drovers Run, Tess who could have sold her out to Harry Ryan, Tess who gave her hope for the future. She resented Tess most for that, giving her hope. That insidious hope that had taken hold of her heart and was so hard to shake. That hope that brought only disappointment and heart break. Something of that strange hope she had always seen in Claire, in Tess, in Regan, in Grace. That hope that somehow woke her in the early hours of that cold dreary morning.
She sat abruptly in the darkened room, having woken from a nightmare. Glancing at the clock it was 2am. She sat tapping her fingers on the bed side table for a few moments. Not really thinking. Just sitting. Just waiting. It was quiet. But not quiet enough. She wondered if she was really sitting alone in her darkened room tapping her fingers on her bedside table, or was she still dreaming? Dreaming of all the mistakes she had made, all the things she had thrown away, all the things she could have made right and chose not to. Her waking thoughts seemed no more pleasant than her bad dreams and she wondered if she would ever find any respite from the things that haunted her.
At that strange moment in her sleep deprived tormented state of mind, there seemed one way out, one way to some sort of salvation and peace. The truth. The truth might save her, might make things right. Just in a small way make some things right, which seemed all she could hope for. And with that in mind she stood to her feet uncertainly. She could not sit a minute longer, haunted by the images that filled her dreams. Haunted by words she had not spoken. The words needed to be heard.
There were things she could not fix. Most of all, she could do nothing about him. The man that filled her dreams, captured her heart and shattered it to pieces before throwing it back in her face. Nothing she could do to take back the things she had done, or the things he had done in return. Nothing she could do to make that right. But the rest of her life, and she insistently reminded herself she did indeed have a life before she had him, the rest of it could be made right. She would go on without him. She was more than just the reflection of herself she saw in his eyes. And for herself, for Rose, for Regan, Grace, Kate and Tayler, she would do her best to fix things, even thought she couldn't take them back.
She opened her bedroom door, light from the hallway filling the room suddenly, and she felt her perspective shift dramatically. The light made such a difference. And over and over and over she asked herself . "What have I done?"
Her every step was filled with uncertainly, when only hours ago she had been so sure she had done the right thing. Nothing would have changed her mind, no one would. Almost nothing, and almost no one. Her whole life has been like that. So driven by 'almost'. Almost, but not quite. Maybe next time, maybe later, maybe tomorrow. And 'almost' hadn't seemed like enough. Not enough to mean anything anymore. But suddenly, standing in the doorway in the early hours of the morning, almost seemed like more than enough. Almost seemed like too much to throw away recklessly without at least trying to make things right.
She crept out of her room not wanting to be heard by just anyone. She passed the door to Tess room and peered inside. Tess was sleeping, and that was good. Because right at that moment she told herself it had nothing whatsoever to do with Tess. She had set the ball rolling well and truly before Tess showed up unannounced. Tess was nothing to do with anything anymore. But still she couldn't shake that feeling that it meant something. Tess being here now. Of all the days to turn up, why today? But she shook her head and softly closed the door to Tess room, not wanting her to be disturbed by whatever was about to happen. Of all the things she didn't not want to be thinking about, Tess was near the top of that list. Not the very top, that spot was reserved for him. But near the top, that's for sure.
Putting thoughts of Tess behind her, she crept along the hallway to Regan's room. She stopped to wonder briefly if Regan would mind being woken in the middle of the night. She decided probably yes. But she would do it anyway. Somehow she needed some sense more than anything, to escape from all this maddening confusion, and Regan would surely bring sense. Besides, the she knew it had to be now. She would have neither the courage or the opportunity to speak later. And more than she knew anything else in that moment, she knew it was Regan whom she needed to speak the truth to.
She stood outside in the hallway, suddenly remembering strange moments from her childhood. Nights she would wake up alone and scared after dreaming some bizarre dream. Wanting to call out to her parents, to go and wake them, but she never did. Sometimes she would throw something across the room she shared with Michelle, trying to wake her sister with a loud noise so that she wouldn't be alone, in the dark, wondering if the morning would ever come. She briefly considered throwing something now to wake Regan up. And then she would act very innocent and say 'By the way Regan, since you're awake, I have something to tell you.' And it seemed somehow that would be the easiest thing to do. It wouldn't sound so big then, so important. But she wanted least of all to wake Tess, so she took a breath and knocked gently on Regan's door.
She was somehow relieved to find Regan's room empty. Perhaps it meant she wasn't meant to speak now. Perhaps it meant she could go back to her dark room and console herself that she tried. Or perhaps it meant that Regan was already awake, and that now was indeed the right time. The only time. After hearing noises downstairs she decided the latter was likely. She had come this far, and slowly descended the stairs as if she was no longer in control of her actions.