I don't own these characters; Disney/ABC does.
A/N: Emma is still dealing with some stuff. Or not dealing with it. However you look at it.
4: Cold Outside and In
A week went by and Regina knew Emma was avoiding her. Emma would not make eye contact with her whenever they happened to see each other and Emma always rapidly left the area when she was there. Regina was not sure why Emma did not want to be around her like that, but it did not seem like it was changing. She thought Emma would eventually talk to her, but that did not seem like it was in the cards. She tried to carry on as best she could, but the pain inside spread with each glance that went unacknowledged.
She felt hollowed out, yet still filled with agony. The rejection of her beloved was more than she expected of this. Yes, they both had problems in the past and pushed each other away, but it was nothing like this. It seemed like the more time that went by, the less likely Emma was to come home, return to her. Emma did not want to be in her presence, not even in their home.
It hurt when she realized Emma had been in the house and taken her clothes. This was the biggest indicator that this was not something that would not be over anytime soon. Her insides burned to ash at the thought. Above her pain was the utter torment and anguish Emma had to be in. She felt helpless for not being able to be there for Emma, to assist Emma, to pull her out of whatever she was falling into that kept her from coming home. She reached out, but got nothing in return. No, she got beyond nothing. There were haunted glances and occasional glares when Emma accidentally met her eyes. There had to be a way to get Emma back to her, to help Emma through her troubles, and to ease the pain, but she had not figured it out.
The first couple of days after she realized Emma might not be back, Regina baked for Emma, but David was the one who got her to stop. Apparently, Emma threw the pastries in the garbage. She did not even give them away. She threw them in the trash, like Regina's gifts to her, her attempts to help her were worthless, were garbage.
She wished she could wrap Emma up in a hug, but Emma would not let her near her. Emma would not take her calls or answer her texts. She was screaming into the void with each attempt she made to reach out. Nothing she could do would help Emma even feel better. The very idea pushed her into an abyss inside of herself.
"Damn!" Regina hissed, finding she had sliced right through her hand while cutting up an apple. She was in the kitchen, trying to make apple turnovers for whatever reason. The urge had just overcome her and she needed to bake.
"Mom, you okay?" Henry called from the living room.
"Fine!" Her blood dripped onto the kitchen floor before she had a chance to heal the wound. Moving to get a paper towel to clean that up, she forgot to heal the wound and dripped more blood on the floor. "Oh… Fuck!" She stomped her foot to quell her urge to punch something.
"Fine, huh?" Henry stood at the kitchen entrance, arms folded over his stomach and a scowl on his face. Funny enough, Emma thought he looked like her when he put this stern expression on. Regina was flattered by the idea, but not sure if it was true.
"I'm fine." Regina growled under her breath and then waved her hand, fixing the whole mess. The slice in her hand was gone and the blood on the floor cleared. She turned to look at her son and he did not look much better off than she did. She swallowed. "Henry, I'm sorry."
She was supposed to fix this as much for him as for Emma. They had always agreed, even before they became partners, that they would do their best to give Henry the best life possible. They wanted to make sure he did not have the traumas or even bad memories they had. So, they tried not to argue around him, show they were having problems, or even let him know when they were going through traumas. They were failing, but it felt like it was just her.
He shook his head, sorrowful eyes focused on her. "It's not your fault."
"It might be." Emma being gone was probably her fault, so she had ruined their family. She had ruined all of them. Typical.
Henry stepped closer. "No, it's not. Emma's made the decision to not come back and not talk to us about it. That's not your fault."
Regina blinked. "She hasn't talked to you?" While she was not totally surprised Emma cut off all communication with her, she never expected Emma to stop talking to their son. How deep was this wound for Emma? Part of her wish she never removed this scab, but other parts of her knew this was something Emma had to deal with or it could manifest in an even more problematic manner.
Henry sighed and his shoulders dropped. "Whenever I go by the station, she's always on her way out for some BS job. Gramps doesn't know what's going on. He just knows Emma goes to work and doesn't do much and then goes to the loft and tries to pretend everything is fine, but spends a lot of time on the couch, staring at the ceiling or in her room or roughhousing with Neal." He never referred to Neal as "uncle." It was too weird, even for his life, he often said.
"Is she eating?" Regina asked.
He scratched his head, mussing his already wild hair. He was trying to grow it long and his mothers did not have a problem with it. It was better than him running out and getting a tattoo. Emma talked him out of trying to grow a mustache a couple of months ago. To think that was once the biggest problem they had as a family.
Henry hunched up his shoulders. "I dunno. Gramps said she sits down to dinner with them every night, but mostly just moves the food around on her plate. Why isn't she trying to be normal with us? She can come home and not eat!" He threw his hands up in the air, a dull red flush in his face now.
Regina bit her lip to keep her from agreeing with that statement. Why did Emma not come home? Was she running from the problem? How long would she run if that was the case? How long would she ignore her family? Why was she ignoring her family? How was that helping?
"Emma needs time, Henry," Regina said with as much sympathy as she could put in her voice without letting her pain seep in. She did not want to make things worse for Henry or color his outlook on things. "There's always so much going on in her life and she hasn't had the time to sort everything out." But, she knows talking about it is the easiest way to work through it. We've done this so many times.
"What the hell does that even mean, Mom?" He glared at her, blame in his stare.
She had to take a deep breath to keep from crumbling under his hard gaze or losing her patience with him. "It means Emma has gone through a lot and sometimes she doesn't know how to deal with it. And, you watch your language. I'm not one of your little friends." In the past, she might have let him get away with it, but they had build a nice, strong family unit. One where she and Emma could discipline Henry and not worry about him running away and she never feared hearing "you're not my real mom" anymore.
Henry twisted his mouth up and looked at the ceiling. He took a deep breath now and slowly let released it. "Why can't she deal with it with us?" His voice cracked, as if he was trying to hold back tears. "We deal with stuff with her all the time."
"Some things are heavier than others." She could not imagine the weight on Emma's shoulders right now, even though she had gone through her own things with Leopold. But, she had made it through those things with Emma at her side. Why would Emma not let her be there for her? Why would Emma not lean on her after insisting Regina learn to lean on her to make it through? Am I not good enough? Obviously.
Henry sucked his teeth. "So, is Ma just never coming back?"
Regina sighed and rubbed her eyes with one hand. "I don't know." She did not know what Emma's next move might be. But, she texted Emma as soon as she got a free moment, telling Emma to talk to their son. Emma did not respond.
-8-8-8-8-
Emma read the text from Regina and scowled. How dare Regina order her to do anything? She would talk to Henry when she was ready. And then the very thought of Henry made her stomach drop, as he had not been on her mind lately. Shit, should you have left Henry alone with Regina? She had already determined Regina was a monster, above even Selena. Was it responsible to leave her son with that monster? Henry had run away once, years ago, seeking her out because his mother was the Evil Queen. What had Regina done to make him start considering she was evil?
"Shit!" Emma shot to her feet from her parents' sofa.
Neal snickered from in between their parents, also on the couch. "Emma said a bad word!"
"Emma!" David huffed.
"Shit, sorry." Emma winced. "Sorry!" She held up her hands in apology. She had learned to watch her language around Neal from when he first started talking. He repeated a lot of what she said and yeah, it was cute to hear him saying "fuck," but he had to go to daycare eventually and it would not look good for Snow White's son to like saying, "fuck," even though she was certain people would understand since he was her little brother.
"Are you okay?" Snow asked, which was her favorite question it seemed. She asked Emma that question at least once every hour.
"Yes!" Emma groaned, tired of the question. "I gotta go check on something, though." She was out of the door before they could respond.
In the week-plus she had been home, she had not interacted much with her parents. She tried. She tried with them and with Neal. This was her family. But, all she could think about was how this had been ripped from her by Selena… wait, no Regina. By Regina and then she was left to the whims of Selena, who was no better than Regina. And how they were both such monsters they even looked the same and acted the same. She needed to go save her son from a monster.
"How the fuck did you just forget about Henry, you idiot?" Emma slapped herself in the head several times.
She forgot Henry because she looked beyond him, looked beyond the world, but back in time. Whenever he stood before her, she rushed off, not sure where they stood anymore. She felt too broken to even stand next to him, but she was his mother. She needed to protect him, especially from monsters that already consumed her and danced on her grave. I won't let you have Henry, Selena. Regina. Whoever.
Emma jumped in her car and almost drove it on the sidewalk as she pulled away from the curb. She raced to Henry's home, parking in the driveway, hitting Regina's car while she was at it. Running to the door, she punched instead of knocked and screamed for her son. When Henry opened the door, he looked down at her like she was crazy.
"Ma, what is your problem? Why are you hitting the door like you've lost your mind?" Henry asked.
Emma grabbed Henry by the wrist and yanked him outside. "Henry, you need to come with me."
"What? Ma, you're not making any sense and it's freezing out here!" Henry was dressed in a v-neck t-shirt and shorts, perfect for inside lounging, not so much for outside early spring in Maine. He stepped back in and pulled her along with him. She was a little surprised by his strength. Even when he grew taller than she was, she could still drag him along places.
"Okay, first, where's Regina?" Emma scanned the place. She did not want to alert Regina that she was there. This needed to go as quickly as possible to get Henry someplace safe.
"In the shower. She's been a mess in the kitchen today and can't get anything right."
Emma was not sure what that meant. "Good. Then, you can grab some stuff and come with me." She could get them both to safety without Regina knowing what happened until it was all said and done, hopefully.
Henry squinted as he looked at her. "Again, Ma, you're not making any sense. You don't talk to me all week and now you're trying to what? Get me to run away with you?"
"No, I'm trying to save you!" she hissed. He should know that! He was the one who tried to save them all from this monster that was the Evil Queen in the first place.
Henry's brow wrinkled. "Save me? From what?" Emma sucked her teeth and glanced upstairs. His eyes went wide. "You're trying to save me from Mom? What the hell happened between the two of you? You're not even talking!" He held up his hands. "This is crazy to me. I've lost count of how many times I've woken up at odd hours and you two are just talking, either on the couch or in your room. I never listened, but it was so nice to know you guys were just talking and connecting with each other. How is anything ever going to get better if you don't talk to her?"
Emma scowled at him. Was he out of his mind? "I can't talk to her! You said it yourself, she's the Evil Queen. I can't trust Selena!"
Henry blinked. "Ma, Mom's name is Regina."
"That's what I said."
He shook his head and then stared at her with intense eyes. "No, you said Selena. Who's Selena?"
Emma shook her head. She had not said Selena, had she? No, why would she say Selena? She meant Regina. Regina was the problem. Regina was the one who probably hurt their son. Regina.
"Henry, it doesn't matter. Go get your stuff. We can go. It'll be fine," Emma said, her chest felt tight. She tried not to breathe hard, but she was panting before she even realized it and the world felt like it tilted. She needed to hold it together long enough to get Henry to safety. Keep it together, Swan. You gotta be there for him the way no one was there for you. You owe him that much.
He held up his hands again. "No, Ma. You need to calm down. You're bugging out and you're hyperventilating."
"Of course I am!" Her son was alone with a maniac. Why would she not be bugging out? And why the hell was there no air in the damn house anymore? Her lungs burned like they sat in the fires of Hell as she tried to take in more oxygen.
"What's all the commotion?" Regina's voice called from upstairs.
Emma could not get away fast enough to avoid Regina, but she saw her at the top of the stairs. Regina's eyes went wide. Even with such a great distance between them, Emma could see the brown on Regina's eyes. They were the color of condensed honey and sparkled like chocolate diamonds, glistening from unshed tears. Emma practically fell over herself to get away.
"Ma! Ma!" Henry screamed at the top of his lungs, following Emma out, but she was in her car before Henry made it off the porch. "Ma!" The bug could still manage speed and she knew she left tire marks behind as she fled.
-8-8-8-8-
Regina hurried down the stairs just in time to see Emma jump into her car and speed off. She grabbed Henry off of the porch, not wanting him to freeze. He let loose a frustrated grunt and slammed the door shut.
"What the hell was that?" Henry hollered and kicked the door.
"It's all right," Regina said. How could he believe that when she did not believe it? Hell, it did not look like Emma believed that either.
"No, it's not. Ma has gone completely off the rails! She's trying to get me to leave the house while you're in the shower. I mean, what the hell is that about?" Henry huffed.
Regina shook her head. "I'm not sure." Why would Emma try to take Henry from her? What the hell was happening with Emma, with her mind, with everything?
"Well, I'm gonna find out." Henry stomped off, going back to the couch. He yanked up his cell phone and marched upstairs with the phone to his ear. "Damn it, Ma, pick up!"
Regina was not sure what was going on, but she did not want Henry to speak to Emma while so clearly angry. She chased after him and caught him by the hand while he was halfway up the stairs. He turned and looked at her.
"And now she's not answering the phone!" Henry snarled, eyes burning with fury. "You've got a lot of nerve, Ma! You can't ignore us for over a week and then burst in here like a crazy person trying to do what? I mean, what was the plan here?" He screamed as he ended the call.
"Henry, what's wrong?" Regina asked. What had Emma said or done to get him so riled up?
"She's not answering the phone now. I don't get it. She comes in here, totally bugging out, trying to get me to leave and now she's not even answering my calls. What is this all about? She said you were evil!" Henry stomped, his bare foot making a hollow thump on the step.
Regina frowned. "She called me evil? Why?" She did not understand. Yes, she had been the one to bring up bad memories for Emma and maybe even to blame for them, but that made her evil now? Was she evil when she helped Emma work through her fear of being abandoned by them, her fear of screwing up Henry, her fear of commitment, her low self-esteem, and a number of other issues? Now, all of a sudden because Emma had to face an issue she managed to repress, Regina was evil?
"I don't know why. I don't know what the hell is going on! I just know my mothers are out of their minds again!" Henry made a gesture to his own head.
"We're not! She's not doing this to hurt you. Emma is just in pain and dealing with it wrong."
Henry snarled and punched the wall with the side of his fist. "When are we going to get to the point where we can deal with pain right?"
"Well, one, you shouldn't be punching the wall to deal with your anger. We have dealt with several painful issues correctly. We have dealt with things you don't even know about because we've made an effort to shield you from our troubles because they shouldn't be your troubles. This one might just be too much for Emma. You know she's had a hard life."
Henry took a deep breath and released it through his nose. He took a moment, eyes on the ceiling before looking at her. "Is this because of someone named Selena?"
Regina blinked. "How do you know that?" Had Emma spoken to their son about this? What was she doing if she had?
"She said it. By accident more than likely."
Regina nodded. Emma had to be very out of sorts. "That person hurt her a lot when she was little."
"Oh." Henry's eyes drifted. "Okay." And just like that he was calm. It was odd. Regina was not sure what to make of that. She did not know what to make of any of this.
"What did she tell you about Selena?" Regina asked.
Henry shook her head. "Nothing. She just said the name." He turned, looking upstairs. "I need to go get some stuff from my room."
Regina nodded and he was gone. She was not sure what to make of any of that, but Emma definitely seemed to be unraveling. She would not be able to live with herself if something happened to Emma or Emma did something to herself and she was not there to help because she was giving Emma space. So, she took a breath and felt for Emma's magic. Emma was always so easy to find.
-8-8-8-8-
Emma parked her car on a little hill that overlooked a small, glistening lake in Storybrooke. Moonlight reflected off of the dark water with silent, bald trees watching. The scene was so serene and beautiful, she felt like it mocked her. She felt so messed up and confused inside, guts shaking, soul shredded, and mind gone. Nothing made sense anymore.
The world had flipped upside down, she was sure of that. She had felt it tilt while she was with Henry, but it was already slanted before that. This shift was something bigger, something to knock her off her feet, something to let her know there was no logic left on Earth.
Why would Henry not come with her? She was trying to rescue him. Why had she called Regina "Selena" when Regina was the bigger monster between the two? And why had Regina's eyes looked so much different than she remembered? They were not the right shade, did not hold the right look. It did not make sense and the world tilted even more.
"Emma," Regina said, appearing in the passenger seat.
Emma gasped and jumped in her seat. "Regina!" Her heart was in her throat and beating a mile a minute, which went great with the fact that she could hardly breathe as it was.
"What are you doing sitting in the car with it off at this time of year? You're going to freeze. You don't even have on your proper coat or your gloves," Regina fussed. "What is all this madness about? You tried to take Henry from the house. You called me evil. You told him about Selena."
"He told you I called you Selena?" Emma asked. The little traitor.
Regina scowled. "That's not what I said."
Emma blinked. Oh. She misheard, just as she misspoke, and she gave herself away. Or had she given herself away first? Giving herself away before Regina could throw her away. What? Her head hurt, her chest hurt, and the world felt like it was upside down, backwards, and inside out all at the same time. What was going on? What was anything anymore?
Regina licked her lips. "You called me Selena?"
"I… I…" Emma shook her head. She did not have any words. She did not know what was going on. The world blurred before her and her entire head throbbed with insanity. Regina was evil. Selena was evil. But, Regina was not Selena… right? Looking into those eyes, no, Regina was not Selena.
Regina took a deep breath and rubbed her palms together. Her eyes looked like they were the very definition of sorrow. "Did you come to take our son because you thought I touched him?" her voice was a whisper, as if she was too scared to ask any louder than that, as if Henry would hear.
Emma was not expecting her to be so blunt. "I just… I mean… I…" There still were no words.
Regina snarled and her eyes went from sad to furious, the flames of Hell burning in her soul. "Are you kidding me? You actually thought I was touching Henry!"
For some reason, the raised voice helped Emma find her own voice. "How am I supposed to know that's not why he ran away in the first place? How am I supposed to know that you didn't do things like that when you were evil?" Emma had the nerve to scream back.
Regina looked at Emma like she was out of her mind. She held up one finger. "You think… you think… you think I sat around molesting children in my spare time?"
Emma snorted. "Oh, you're insulted over that? Like you didn't personally kill hundreds of people and order the deaths of thousands more? Like you didn't lord over people and use your powers to rape them?"
Regina flinched and a lone tear slid down her cheek. "I see. So, you've woken up to how horrible I am and that's why you called me Selena? Is that what you think has happened?"
"You're no better than her." Emma pounded her fist against the steering wheel. "You hurt all those people! You didn't care about what you did to them!" She hit the wheel again. "You didn't care about what you did to me!"
Regina's chin trembled and her mouth twisted to the side. "So, that's what this has been about? Why you're avoiding me, why you're not coming home, why you're angry? You're actually angry at me for everything that happened."
Tears tracked down Emma's face and she could not stop crying, even though she wanted to. She did not want to show any weakness in front of this woman. "It's all your fault! You did this, Selena!"
And with that, Regina was gone. Emma let loose an ungodly scream, holding herself. Tears poured down her face along with snot drizzling from her nose. She could not explain the hollow feeling inside of her. Beyond hollow, it was like the second Regina left, she took everything that made Emma who she was with her. She felt truly alone in the world, alone and wrong. She was not sure how long she sat there and cried, feeling shattered and dead, but then a note appeared on the steering wheel. Go home before you freeze to death. She listened.
-8-8-8-8-
Regina appeared in her study had to resist the urge to overturn the whole place. She was not like that anymore. But, she paced and growled and raged to herself. Emma thought literally the worst of her. Part of her could understand. After all, she had done horrific things in the past, but she had laid everything out on the line to Emma when they officially got together, so Emma could understand what she was getting into. Emma had then made it her mission to help Regina deal with all of the issues her deeds brought.
Regina had learned to trust Emma, to trust herself to Emma. She never expected those sins would be thrown back at her. They never did that to each other. Now, she understood Emma was suffering, but this was too much for her. Never had their pain been this great, to willfully destroy the other, and that said a lot since that was almost second-nature to Regina.
Worse than that, though, was Emma putting her on the level of this woman who touched her as a child. That woman clearly traumatized Emma and Emma made it seem like she had traumatized her the same way. She was equally horrible. How could they ever come back from that? In the morning, she would have to sit down with Henry and explain to him that Emma was not coming back. That their family would never be the same and, yes, she was the one who broke them. And, he would have to hear that while worrying over colleges and graduation.
"We never should've started this. It was always too much and I will never be worthy. I shouldn't have put that on her or on him," Regina sighed. Even if she had never done what Emma thought, this was her fault.
-8-8-8-8-
Next time: the end.