Progressive Absurdity

by Mir-Layne

Dib is an adult. He's got the job of his dreams and a secluded house of his own, without any human or alien to annoy him. Finding comfort alone, surrounded only by machines. But tonight, someone's coming back to get him. Etheral ZADR of a kind. Some RAPR.

4. Chapter 4

Marlene: I'm tired. Ah, yeah, spoilers of the end of "Of Mice And Men" Zim's not gonna die! He's already getting better, but Dib... ah, well. What will be will be.

---

Emptiness was all Dib could feel at the moment.

Such a statement was, in itself, a contradiction such a brilliant meticulous young man wouldn't usually come to, but sadly, such a young man wasn't in a state to judge.

His head, limbs and chest felt unnaturally hollow, as if totally drained of any energy, unnaturally tall and slender. Such long limbs would never stay in place. They would break, and fall off, along with the rest of his broom-like body, in a few moments now.

Much like GIR must have felt during the milliseconds it was turned off. Scary.

Out of civilized reflex, he had dragged Zim's inanimate body back to his bed, not even checking if the alien was still alive, before leaving him alone to himself, walking away in a daze. Heading right toward the Oven.

"The Oven", his own personal metal cocoon, a small, warm squared-shape cavity much like a human-sized microwave, minus the cooking.

A dull place where it was impossible to sleep, where one could do nothing but huddle up in a ball and patiently wait for the Big Bad Wolf to go away.

For the Big Bad Life to go away. To be honest, he didn't often feel the need to lock himself in there.

But they were time like those, hard, crushing times when mental fatigue finally won him over, when sleeping wouldn't bring any help, primal hiding instincts kicking back.

He crawled in. Body pressing everywhere, adopting the place's shape. Numbly enjoying the dimness. Welcoming the warmth. Even the discomfort was a small price to pay for a fugitive slice of glorious Nothing.

No more than another Bonzai. Bonzai Dib.

His head dipped down his thighs.

Empty your head. Suck up any piece of thought that was left sticking on the corners on your mind. Clean. Clean again. The place is dirty. Never mind the dust, you cannot keep it away for ever. The rust have to be taken care of, though. As for reflection... it will have to GO for now. Now. NOW.

He focused on the last minor detail that imprinted itself in his mind. The distingustinly cheerful mailbox's opening message. So he played it. Over and over, until no word made sense anymore, and the electronic sentence melted into a quiet, repetitive blur, that slowly soothed him away from the present. It, of course, wasn't meant to last.

Excited metallic voice roughly pulled him out of his half-sleep, aggravating his forthcoming headache.

- "Danger! Monkey Master is in danger! "

- "... Eddie?... "

Hoarse voice of recently worn vocal cords, still in place.

Good.

- "What do you want? Leave me alone. I need some peace. "

How did that bloody machine manage to slip up to here?

- "I'm only here to warn you, the present oxygen level is dangerously reducing. "

His master kept his face hidden, arms folded.

- "I know, he groaned faintly. I also happen to know that it is you that reduce it each time. You want me out. You don't like it when I am here. I know that. "

Silence.

- "You being in there isn't good for both your mental and physical health. It is my duty to keep you working."

Not even trying to deny anything.

- "Zark off, Ed. Didn't you hear me before? I hate you. Go away. "

- "I don't care if you hate me, this is no part of my programing. I've only got theorical notions of hate, and it certainly won't stop me from doing my job. You can hate and insult a toaster for hours, it won't work better if it's broken. Technology never cares about what you think of it. It just does what it is made to do."

- "Fuck of, toaster. I'm telling you to scram. So obey. "

Unusual swearing words. Not good.

- "I can't. I can't let you hurt yourself. Part of my job is to look over you. "

- "SHUT THE HELL UP!! I'm telling you to leave, so leave. LEAVE! "

His head began hurting more and more from the shouting, blood pounding into his veins without mercy.

Desperate to draw himself away from the sound of overpresent reality, the young man put both his hands on his flushed face, muffling hysterical sob.

- "Go away, Ed. "

- "No. You're in danger. Even more now. Now more than ever. "

- "Well, there is NOTHING you can do. So scram. "

- "No. "

- "What?! Are you rebelling against your Master's orders, Thing?! So go and switch on that bloody B.A.S button I know you have somewhere in your internals on and OBEY. "

- "Didn't I tell you earlier? I don't have that chip anymore. Former Master thought Blind Admiration System was taking too much space and memory, and was personally covinced his charisma would be enough. So he erased it on the first night. Dreadful mistake. But since then, I am not technically obliged to admire my owner. "

Dark sniggers.

- "But supposing you were, would you say it to him? "

- "Of course not. What a silly question. "

- "Evidently. So there's no way for me to know the truth. "

- "Don't you trust me? "

- "Not really. But you can't blame me, I'm in no state to. "

- "I'm not blaming you. I never was. "

Two and a half minutes of unsure silence.

Then calm, determined voice.

- "I'm gonna play a song for you. "

This made Monkey Master dig his small, smooth human teeth deep into his fist. Leaving red, circular marks, but no blood.

Human denture. Not sharp enough. Weak jaw bones. Good for him.

- "NO! NO MORE SONG! NO MORE OF YOUR FUCKING MEANINGLESS TUNES! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THIS NO MORE! "

Even with his hands over his ears, there was little he could do to prevent the song from getting to him. He was trapped, condemned to listen to one of the bloody Computer obsessive endless rambling.

Luckily, the Computer's choice had landed on some dim, repetitive tune, sure not to wreck Master's nerves even worst. But the chosen lyrics, surely enough, would be likely to.

- " "They hurt you at home and they hit you at school"... "

- "Shut up... "

- " "They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool. " "

- "Eddie, shut up! "

- "... "... till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules." "

- "NO! I'm NOT crazy! The rules are STUPIDS! This is NOT my fault if they are! I'm not crazy! I'M NOT! "

- " "When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years, then they expect you to pick a career! "

- "That I did! I did! I DID pick a career! Leave me alone. You're mistaking. This has nothing to do with me. Shut it off! Now! "

- "... "... when you can't really function you're so full of fear." "

- "I am not. I am NOT full of fear. No. Not. I am beyond fear, beyond fear, no more fear... why would I be afraid of anyway?! If you're so superior, maybe you can tell me? Can you? ANSWER ME! "

- " "There's room at the top they are telling you still, but first you must learn how to smile as you kill. " "

- "I've never killed anyone. Never meant to. Never wanted, never thought of hurting anybody. I'm a freaking SHEEP, haven't you heard before?! Sheep don't hurt people, except when they get mad. I'm not mad. I won't hurt anybody. I never did. Shut up, now. "

- " "And you think you're so clever and classless and free..." "

- "No I don't. What do YOU know about what I think? You're not in my head! You can't read my mind! And even if you CAN, I don't care, because your bloody computer sensors wouldn't understand the complexities of the human brain! Especially mine! "

- "... "But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see. " "

Dib sniffed nervously, quickly wiping his reddened eyes behind auto-decondensative glasses.

- "... no, Ed. A working class hero is not something to be. "

- "Well, that's what you are, in a way. Minus the hero part, I'd add if you let me. "

- "I... "

He closed his mouth, sighing again, shaking his head slowly.

- "Fuck you. "

He mewled weakly, shyly, short of smarter Computer didn't bother answering such empty gibberish. Satisfied of this long-desired silence, the human savored his tiny bit of peace, before he noticed something strange.

- "What the... "

He froze, incredulous.

- "What ... where does this air come from? So hot! Eddie, is that you? "

- "Yes. "

Harsh tone. Unpleasant. Commending.

- "I'm increasing the heat. Soon you won't be able to breathe anymore. You'll have to get out. "

- "So you're murdering me. Because I won't get out. "

- "You will. "

A statement.

An electronic statement, the worst kind, one that couldn't and wouldn't be overstepped.

Dib was no exception. As predicted, survival instincts rapidly took over childish stubbornness, and he had no choice but tear himself out of his protective shell, before being burned alive.

In fact, poor devil got out so fast he almost crashed on the opposite wall, losing his -already unstable- balance, collapsing loudly on the floor. The skin of his knees broke, and the pain in his rapidely bruising forearms obliged him to stay still for a moment. About a metter away from him, the Omen strated to smoke. It didn't last, for Eddie's ventilations were grately structured by tiny holes in the ceiling, provinding toxic gases from staying inside the house, without needing any windows.

It was one of the choice his Human Owner had left him with.

- "Now that the fox is out of its earth, commented the Machine, completly unmoved by its Master alarming state, it must look out for the hunter before being eaten. I trust you to know hiding will not prevent Zim from hating you, so lift up your head and fight back! "

Yeah, "Full Metal Jacket" was that kind of old movies Irken Computers enjoyed greatly. But lacking some basics skill of human psychology, it failed to realize such authoritarian behavior wasn't as effective in real life than it was in fiction. Dib lifted himself on his knees, shoulder leaning against the cold wall. His breath had quickened a little, and his whole body seemed to ache. He felt like passing out, but knew there was no way.

Life's unfair. He barely made out through his clouded mind. Morover, the S.S.C.B is dictating its own law to you again. Are you going to let it, or are you finally going to react?

He made some effort to get up on his feet, but his already frail bone structure would allow no such ting at the moment. He stumbled, almost twisting his ankle in the process, somehow managing to fall down on his bony rear.

How is it even a question.

- "That's it? Monkey Master is finished already? Aren't you going to stand up against? "

Shut up. Shut up-shut up-shut-up...

- "You're... not... the one to talk. "

Even Eddie wasn't that heartless, despite its total absence of actual heart. He might have been moody, grumpy and abnormaly inflated with himself, but hurting poor Monkey Master until he gives up and terminate himself was out of the question. His cruel behavior was no more and no less than its own application of what he had decided to call "the Pool syndrome". Make they sink lower and lower, until they hit the pit, give it a good solid kick, and get back to the surface to get some air. Once again stimulating natural survival instincts.

Unfortunately this time, his reasoning had been partly wrong. Dib, he knew it more than anyone else, was no average young man, and neither was its way of coping with life in general. His mistreated human-beast mind and body, already affected with tendencies of health disorders, were more than disposed to turn from slight worry to heavy paranoia when subjected to great amounts of stress. Dib lost no time in proving it.

- "I know you hate me, too. "

His voice was low, but its tone sharp.

- "I can see clear into you. You hate me as much as you hate him. You're trying to have him die, so you can treat me badly again, because you are rensentful to both of us, but you need me to keep on existing, and it frustates you not to be able to let us kill each other, so you're trying to make me hurt as much as possible, so I'll let him die and be your scapegoat again. I know, I know. Leave me alone. I'm tired of being a prisoner in my own house. No, you're a monster that has swallowed me. You've swallowed me, Ed! "

- "It is in time like these when you realize a caring and loving family IS part of the growth of a person. I can't clearly sort out what you missed, but the effects of neglected childhood are clearly rubbing on you now. In clear, you've lost your head. "

- "Who are you to talk to me this way?! "

- "None of your family or foes, I can tell, for I don't hate you. I shelter and protect you, I have for quite some times. I will do it some more if you wish. Even if it's not always easy. I'll hide you as much as you want, if you're not ready to try and make other humans like you yet. "

His head spinned, his arms and legs were swollen, and now something in the inside of his chest was beginning to suffocate him.

Stupid machine. What is wrong with not wishing to be hated? Who ever decided turning down undeserved hatred wasn't a natural reaction?

- "Why... why can't you leave me alone?... "

The dreamer must wake up now.

- "You would never let me. "

Ouch. Strike.

"Hey, Dib! Don't be afraid. Take a sad song and make it better! " Ha-ha. What is there other than sad songs? All the sad songs that the Thing forcefully implanted into you, to bring you down and obtain total control. Do not let them eat you alive, Dib. You'll never be able to defend yourself this way. If you wish to escape the Thing's, Zim's and other's tyranny, you'll have to become as evil an scrupuless as they are. Acknowledge that your personal willpower will never bring you as far as it brought Zim. You're not strong. You're the sheer illusion of strenth. A paperdoll battler.

Give all this crap up. Relieve yourself from pity, kindness and tolerance. You cannot escape, Luke. Give up and join us on the Dark Side of the Force. The Dark Side IS power, because is it concrete, organized and competent. Baddy-bad baddies are aiming in the same direction, while taking into into accounts differences of views, oppinions and circonstances, there could be no such thing as any Definite Bright Side. Hey, have you ever considered that the easiest way WAS the easiest? Shut up. You're not funny.

Of course not. I'm realistic. That's why I keep telling you what you doesn't want to hear. Don't flich, this is for your own good.

The hate that stubbornly clung to you on your younger days is coming back to get you. It chased you for so long, stuck on your heels, then found you again despite all the precautions you took. People's natural resentment toward the freak you were, and always have been has broken through your Cove of Hermitage. Come on. Did you really think it was going to be THAT easy? Just because YOU ran aways from the World doesn't mean it's ready to let you go yet. You belong to the World, The Beautiful World, even if you're not a part of it, and it's its right to point out how demented and abnormal you are. You closed out all the good things and now the bad are coming back to get you. Zim's an Alien, and his alienness is bringing up the humanity you thought you had left behind you so long ago. His utter strangeness is mocking yours, the one you created, that made your own folks shut you away. It's alright if HE's not human. But it's not alright for you. He's not a freak. YOU ARE.

YOU WISH. No. I wish...

He had trouble breathing now. His personal self-torture and Eddie's dry comments didn't help.

- "Losing it because you couldn't bear sheltering someone who hates you under your very roof is rather lame... "

I wish wishing was enough.

- "Zim?" He called in a weak voice "Zim? Where are you?!... "

At this precise point of blindness, confusion and pain, he couldn't recall if he had earlier buried the alien's corpse in the backyard, or if he merely flew off on his own. Life and death mingled together, and both were eventually frightening.

He clenched his trembling hands to his belly, panic striking once again.

- "Come back! I need to apologize!... badly... "

- "What for? "

Dib helplessly shook his head.

- "I don't know... I don't care. Whatever he wants me to be sorry for, I'll be. I just can't take the grudge anymore. I can't bear the weight of resentment on my shoulders. I need him to forgive me... "

- "What for? "

Lower, and lower... the pit is near. We're getting closer. Otherwise...

Theeth grinded nervously together.

- "I DON'T KNOW! He spat at last, grabbing his hair and pulling, BUT I WANT HIM TO FORGIVE ME! I need him to forgive me! Something as you are cannot understand. This whole thing is driving me crazy... and you are, too. You're plotting against me. You know where he is. Tell me. Tell me, I'm asking you. What have you done to him?! What have I done to you?! Where did you take him?! "

Dib's brillant mastermind was getting dangerously close to permanent damage. It was time for decisive action.

- "Master should ask the wall he's currently lying on. It seems like you've been lately relying on it way more than on me. "

- "ANSWER ME! What have you done with him?! WHERE is he?! ANSWER ME! "

He was barely done shouting when an electronic arm grabbed him unexpectedly by the arm, and threw him face first into a nearby wall.

The impact hadn't been violent enough to break anything, or even give him a nosebleed, but the blow of his head on the metallic surface made it impossible to think straight for a moment.

Blood rushing to his brain so forcefully he was sure something would brake soon, allowing the fluid to start leaking out his ears, eyes and mouth.

It didn't.

Another arm steadied him as he fought to remain on his feet, and a familiar siren echoed out of nowhere.

... this... anti-fire sys...

He couldn't complete his thought as a rush of cold water splattered over him, cutting his train of thought once again, almost making him fall over.

There was nothing he could do, half knocked off as he was, to prevent the Computer from dragging him along by the hands, barely preventing him from tripping.

I'm dying, he thought half-consciously, it cannot be anything else. Ed's finally killed me.

I'm diying and some angelic-demon is dragging me away to another world. Will it be worst or better... I'm not sure I care anymore. Ah, Heck. Maybe getting out of HERE is enough for now.

After all, "Eternity is very long, especially in towards end"...

---

Bip-bip-bip...

'When you can see yourself, it is never a good sign. Funny to hear bipping when you're supposed to be dead. My body does not look at all dead. In fact, it looks pretty alive. I look alive. But not that well. Sorry Eternal Peace, it seems like I've lost my way into your Great Memory Card Purgatory. '

His hands tensed as he squeezed the syringe set to his chest. 'This a dream. Can't be anything else but random Blend of paranoia and fear. Unrealistic. I even think I already had this one... more than once. '

Other hand holding brown paper bags, trembling slightly. Standing before his usual giant screen, unable to get communication to begin. Damned human nerves.

'Even unlogical things have their own internal logic. Even fantasy has its part of reality. This is fantasy, without reality. Don't be scared, it cannot last. It'll collapse on itself. It will soon be other. '

Holding his burden a little bit tighter, he might even stuck the tip of one needle in his own skin by mistake. His breath caught in his throat. Muscles rigid with fear and precoming guilt.

'Ridiculous. The screen is not THAT big in real life. Where did my house go? This is like a twisted sky made of glass, flickering and crackling. Like some giant mouth threatening to swallow me up. Where is the computer board? And would it be there, why do I look like I'm about to empty my stomach on it?

Only a test, they said. To see how they reacted. Just in case it might produce immediate brain failure, or long painful bloody agony.

'If you think it over carefully, this is not so much of a big deal. '

Who cared if it did, anyway? They just had to try another one. Dib was there to provided them infinite experiment subjects. They were brainless, and they trusted him. Even if they came to die, as horribily as could be, others would take their place and no one would ever think of blaming the human.

'Typical dream-like irresponsibility. Real scientists would never act so carelessly, either for the sake of outer-world relationships, or -most likely- money reasons. And a soon-to-be-wiped-away Earth should make a great disuasion, too. '

It was his first time around, but Dib knew his duty well. Had been told -and threatened- well enough. Each "good" had to receive its small shot, then be sent as a "special gift" to the Massive, then watch for consequences. "Sorry", his superior had said to him, while forcing the "gifts" into his unwanting arms, "but chemists had no time to make their "work" adapted to other organic systems".

'How come I always make the same dreams, over and over? Am I doomed with some sort on unconfessed guilt which is destined to plague my nights now and forever? Pff. Why should I feel guilty? I haven't done anything wrong. Unlike them. So, why should I pay for them? Because I always do, when I see no one else does. I'm quite the Voluntary Victim. Catching and carrying other people's regrets around when they should, and all. Duh. '

It was Dib's mission to report for them. Stuff had to be the same for earthians and outer-space customers. After all, anything that could, and would pay for their "work", will be dead in the end. Outer-space business was an opportunity they wouldn't miss. Extend their "little market" outside of Earth would mean greater profits than they could ever imagine.

'Stupid paranoia. Never would drugs dealers try to addict aliens to their crap. Never would they make such dreadful mistake. No... wait, they TOTALLY would. But still, this is pretty unrealistic. Hope this creepy fantasy'll soon be over. '

Isn't what they always did, using Tallest as guinea pig? From the beginning, sending them newly-released junk, briefly checking if the produce they gave them to eat did not stuck their arteries -do they even have any? Have they thought of the possibility that they might not?- or give them sudden heart (...) attack, or simple poison them. They load it with as much grease, sugar, colorants and synthetics as possible, and if they survive, allowed them to general human public.

'That is true, alas. Human and animal testing being replaced by alien testing, despite our total lack of similarities. Is it for the best? Testing IS bad in general, but... this is kind of useless. Gosh. The stupidest event in my dream also happens to be the only truthful one. Telling. '

Next thing was logical. Food first, then... stuff. After all, business is business, and everything that could be sold anywhere had to be. Profit first. Profit didn't feel guilt. Profit didn't have regrets. Profit dind't care about ethic. But Dib did. Being asked to do such thing was enough to wrap his stomach around his spinal cord in a tight knot.

'Just you try. I won't let you. Who am I kidding, this will never happen. Never happen... while I'm here, at least. '

Everything was good, the "improved" Free Food Basket all set and ready to go. He felt sick. Almost as sick as they surely were about to be in a few moments now.

'I'm not buying any of this. Never would I act this way, even if I was ordered to. I... I... Tallest don't deserve to be treated that way. Okay, maybe they do, but not by ME. '

- "Main screen on. "

'Oh, Ed. Even in my dreams, you manage to sound unnerving. Strange, you gave me the communication I wanted, even if I havent't even ask anything from you yet... my, am I the suspicious one. "

The Bulimic twins were back.

'Those two are beginning to get slightly everpresent in my life. Better be careful about it from now on. Wow, my mind really does make them look threatening. And cruel. They don't look like giant ants anymore, more like little carnivorous dinosaurs... nice fangs. And nice Evil Grin. Hey! I didn't even shoot the food yet! Brain, put a little order in this mess! '

- "I've got something for you, from my boss. It's free. "

'How stupid this sounded. Free is always suspicious, sadly. No problems, they'll take it. They would normally have too, as suspicion is not their primary preocupation, but... ''

He couldn't. Couldn't bear the responsibility of putting anything's life in danger. Especially them, which he and his colleagues had been mostly living on for the past few years. It just wouldn't be fair...

'I'm SO ethical! Such a neurotic American Hero. Makes me proud of myself knowing I won't let the Big Evil Heartless Money-Craving Company use my friends for their own benefit! How nice, how valuable it makes me look in my own eyes! And how pitifully useless it is. '

- "Wait! I can't do that! This is wrong! "

Dib threw the basket to the ground, then began to mercilessly step on it. The dinosaurs hissed slightly but said nothing, baring their sharpened fangs even more.

- "I won't have you eat THAT! "

- "Why? "

'This dialogue is pointless. Totally random and senseless. Typically dream-like. Just like the fact they allow themselves to furrow brows they do not even have. '

- "Because I can't, and you can't either. This is not good for either of us. "

Silence.

- "Oh, is that so. "

Said the one of the left -They were both the same color, which wasn't even a registered color at all-, still grinning manically.

'True, I don't usually make that much difference between the two of you, but that is just mean. Hey, you could at least be grateful. I just saved your life. '

- "Sooo... you cannot bring us human food anymore. "

- "No. Definitely not. I'm deeply sorry, though. "

More awkward silence followed this weird display.

After a moment, the human tried again shyly:

- "May... may I maybe provide you with anything else? My boss would be delighted to provide you with anything you might like... other than that. "

'Ah, I'm still expressing myself as gracefully as a Fast-food seller would. No wonder we're heading toward the Nightmare in there.

Red stepped stepped forward. Looking bad and everything heartless, blood-thirsty, manic, evil in general.

'Oh... "Grandmother, what big teeth you have!"... Good to see YOUR color came back. Your colleague's hasn't, though. Just because my deficient human visual memory recorded only primal color. '

Dib didn't feel at ease with the Leader's beastly glares stuck on him. Their lack of blinking wasn't helping his upcoming stress. His shivering grew stronger.

'... "and now, the punchline." '

Red pointed his claw to him. Garnet eyes shining with hunger.

- "What do YOU taste like? "

'I KNEW IT. '

All the better to eat you with.

---

Oh-oh-oh... dreaming time's over. I can feel my eyelids again. They weight heavy on my eyes. And they won't open. Oh how I hate those semi-coma states.

I can't move. It sounds dangerous. When you're not asleep nor awake, you might be closer to death than ever. Duh. Shut up, Dib.

"Wake up, child, pay attention! " I can't. Don't shoot your angry adult glares at me. It's not my fault. Besides, what's the point in sliding from one mental nightmare to another physical one?

"Let me be weak, let me sleep... and dream of... sheep. " Hin-hin. Sheep. Baaa, baaa... bip-bip... not that much of a difference. Sheep run, machines run too... life goes on. And the blood and flesh-sack remains slack.

I always knew God was a computer.

So what does it change, for me at last? Eddie's from Above, too. Passing from his to another outer space tutoring isn't such a bid deal. Being human, I'm sure not to understand anything of what they might want from me anyway.

I'm disappointed, though. Is it what death is all about? Satan might be a computer too. Wouldn't surprise me. He might be a virus. It might be the other way round. Or nothing at all. Who cares.

All that matters to me is... who's gonna have to take care of me from now on?

I was naive enough to think Life itself was about constantly looking for freedom. Death must be about finding it for good. Pffuh. Dib, Have the decency of dying properly before luring yourself into make pseudo-poetry. Basics. Everyone knows a Good Poet is a Dead Poet.

I'm not dead. Just "passing on to make my life valuable to others" certainly is not what my creed used to be. It is still not. Is it?...

"Live, live and let die" they said. So please let me live... and don't let me die. Don't let me die, please.

I know you've got the power to make it work. Whomever "you" might be. I personally don't care as long as you're stronger than I'll ever be. Eddie, or any sort of Higher Power, Overcoming Technology, or Holly Mysticism, Esoterism or Mechanic... even Science for what it's worth, maybe all of them at the same time...

I want to stay alive just a little more to ponder about death.

I need to think about it, just a little more before living it... before dying it... ah-ah... Please.

Please, Anyone. Whomever... Holly Zarkon... Eddie... Gosh how pathetic I am sounding right now...

- "... has the big D finally flipped? "

Dib's lips had moved, but his breathy whisper came out almost inaudible.

Fortunaly, a machine as sophisticated as Eddie was could hear a male fly whispering to a lady fly how cute he thought he was in front of her current mate. And such a psycho-rigid one could even decide when or when not.

- "Good. Seems like Monkey Master's brain's available again to general public! "

- "Where... where am I? Am I dead? "

- "Oh, that was SO conventional, Master. Surely your brilliant mind could have come with something more original. "

Master was in no state to make any mental effort at the moment, but he tried nevertheless, concerned about his non-conformist image.

- "... lemon curry? "

- "That's better. "

- "Hum... now that I've been original -though a bit of a rip-off-, am I dead? "

He shifted a bit, feeling unaturally cold and exposed.

"Careful." Was the only answer he got.

Careful? You have to be careful in the Afterlife? Thought you didn't have much to lose once there. Dude, is it cold in here.

"This isn't so much as an afterlife after all, more like some sort of "Après vie" ", is it? No more heat, and no chorus singing. I'd have bet it, the Dead Flesh goes back to its closest brother, the Virtual World. Corpses becoming nothing more than another data in Giant Timeless Database. In a sense, we created the Paradise and Hell we were supposed to fall in after dying, but building a fake one puts us in danger never to find the real ones... if there is any. Which I doubt.

Huh?...I can see clearly. I shouldn't be able to. That means...

- "Look around you. "

- "But... that's my room. "

I can feel my glasses on my nose. Therefore, I am not dead. Simple logic.

Computer God would have fixed its new data eyesight -if leaving it to me at all-, but it certaily wouldn't have bothered putting my glasses back on my nose. Data's got no glasses. Doubt they have any nose either. Only Eddie could have acted this meticulous with me. Yep, definitly alive. Darn.

- "Wait a minute, where did my shirt go?! And my pants?! ED! "

- "Your privacy is still intact. Please notice I left you with that lovely boxer of yours. You don't have to yell around, or you'll only hurt yourself and "the rest" more. "

"The rest?"... Patronizing me already. Yeah, Ed's still my one and only Guardian Angel.

- "Your clothes were send to the washing, as they were soaked in water and outer-space dirt. Talking of the Devil -couldn't give it a better name...- , be careful. Do not crush anything. "

- "Oh, c'mon, whad'y'a want me to... "

His arm nervously twichted, bringing the tips of his fingers into cold liquid.

Gwah! What is that?! My bed is stained with slippery green goo! What is that?! Slime? Ectoplasmic leftovers? Again?! Is it corrosive?! No, slime feels more like jelly then... this sticky juice. Almost like...

Zim! Did you drink in bed again?! l told you countless times it was a BAD idea.

... Wait, ZIM?! How come?!

He turned over, to a fact he could not deny. Zim's presence in his bed.

- "Eddie! How old am I? "

- "Twenty-nine. "

- "Yet?! "

Time flies, and so does brains. And memories. Yeah. Green. I think I recall it, now. Zim.

How come YOU are here? Weren't you dead, or gone, or something?...

Or did you QUIT death, just like you quited banishment before? "Sorry, Mr. Devil, but I have no time to waste with your doomy-burny futilities, as my foes are waiting to carry me in triumph"

Hin-hin. That would be SO like you. I wish I could say the same.

So you are still here, aren't you? You didn't... couldn't fly away. And you weren't a part of my imagination after all. Too bad. I'm glad you're here.Somehow. Even if bathing in your blood doesn't feel as right as it would have eighteen years ago.Courageous of you to sleep despite everything that happened. I doubt you even had a choice in the matter. Hang on. We're still waiting for the medics to come.

Brave little Ant. I won't let you down. I swear. This promise I can keep. Can't I? Yes. No. Shut up. Of course I can. I'd do it for you, for I owe you everything I ever had. After all, "what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding" ?

- "You could at least have cleaned the place up a bit. We're swimming in our own germs. That's nasty. "

- "I didn't dare. You already told me off last time I tried to remove the excess trash here. "

Another part of Reality finally downed back on him.

- "Eddie, he asked aloud, unsure of his voice and of himself, did you assault me? "

- "Nope. I merely shook you up. Nothing more. "

No guilt whatsoever into this cold, metallic voice. No scorn or nastiness either, like nothing important had occured. But Dib just couldn't be satisfied with that.

- "Shook me up?! Ed, you hurt me! All because I didn't like your little song, or I disagreed with you too much in general? Am I not behaving obediantly enough? Just for that? I didn't deserve your hitting me, only because our views may differ on some subjects! "

- "Deserving is not the point. Humans don't deserve to drink, they need to. "

- "Ah. So I needed to have my head banged against a wall. "

- "Yes. "

- "Good. Next time warn me before, so I can do it myself. "

- "I sense irony in your voice? "

Sigh.

- "And why do you think I was being ironic, Ed? "

Thoughtful bipping.

- "... you're in pain, the Computer hazarded at last. Your species does intend to make joke while in pain, in order to take their mind out of it. But sometimes a swift smack in enough to put their dismantled minds back in place. Tell me, how are you feeling now? "

You fool how do you think I'm feeling you've thrown my freaking head against a wall you rotten piece of... oh.

The "fool" was right. He was soaked to the bones, and his forehead hurt, but inexplicably, he did feel better in a way.

The violent shock followed by cold shower had made him a bit more lucid, once more finding sensations in his exhausted body.

Along with mind restructuration came the whole weight of his earlier actions downing back at him, and he moaned.

- "Ooooh... Saint-Alderaan, protect us from Destruction, I think just heaped abuse on one of the most feared Military Forces in the Near-Universe. "

- "It's okay, The machine kindly informed. They know how unstable humans can be at times. Leaping at anyone's throat without a warning. Destructive and auto-destructive instincts. Totally unpredictable and denied of logic. They know that. They're not mad. "

How dare YOU calling ME unstable I am NOT unstable, you wire-brained piece of trash oh my heads hurts

- "Tallest are more stupid than evil, you know. It Insisted calmly, If they were THIS bad and heartless, they would have make your place blow up, or planet for what they care. Even if they cared for the food, or even for you -that they do, I don't know why... - they would have found a way to have your host dead whenever they wanted. Trust me, those to CAN be inventive when they really want to. "

- "I imagine so. Gosh, my head hurts... "

- "May I provide you with anything? Something to eat? To drink? Do you want to watch television? A movie? Cartoons? Listen to music? Do you want me to artificially stimulate your nervous system by tickling you under your armpits? "

Wait. Was that a joke?

- "Eddie, he asked, disbelief in his voice, are you trying to cheer me up? "

- "Cheer up is yet another expression humans made up for "fixing". You're malfunctioning. So yes, I guess I am. "

- "But I'm no machine. "

Almost plaintive statement, seeking reassurance. It didn't sense it, merely stating the facts.

- "I know you're not. We've been living together for quite a long time. You're my Monkey Master, and I'm trying me best to look over you, within the limits of my electronic logic. Sometimes I wish I had limbs to cradle you like a newborn... "

- "Awww, that's sweet. "

- "But mostly to kick your butt to teach you not to destroy yourself like you usually do. "

Twitch. Twitch.

- "... ek? "

- "Each one of us his task, Master. "He" 's trying to destroy you, and I'm trying to fix you up. Each one its opposite, and you in the middle. But from what I see, it seems that you're more on HIS side than on mine. "

- "Wishful thinking, Thing. I stopped being on anyone's side a looong time ago, when the "good ones" threw me away from them with no hope of coming back, and the "bad ones" tried to kill me. Now I just want to be left in peace... and maybe try to help people when I can. Stuffing Earth enemies's mouths is one way out of another to save Earthians's lives. Who cares about how stupid the methods are, as long as they actually work? "

- "You used to. "

- "Ah, well. Not anymore. "

- "Unfortunately. "

Dib then swiftly turned his back to the wall. This -useless, considering how many monitors were implanted all around him- show of annoyment, he hoped, would help the bloody machine undestand he did not want this conversation to go on any further. Sadly, his move also lead to facing the motionless corpse he's been avoiding for all this time, another sidelook at the alien making reality jump back to his face. He flipped.

- "ZIM! I need to do something! "

The human heavily lifted himself up on his elbows. At the other end of the room, some little trap popped open with a silent noise.

- "... sorry Ed, there's no time to lose in discussing or sleeping, I have to get up and call Irk back again... "

A metal peg creeped out, brushing the floor, slowly making its may to the bed.

- "... Irk might be mad at me, very mad, but I trust them to get over it, I'll buy their forgiveness if I have to, but I'll have them understand how serious the situation is!... "

- "Don't worry. They do. "

- "Really? I'm not that sure. Let's not take any risks. "

- "As you which. Still... "

Careful to remain hidden from Dib's sight, the peg clenched the corner of the sheet, and gave it a good tuck, making him lose his balance and fall back on his back.

- "Ouch! "

- "He shifted. "

- "No he didn't! ..."

- "Anyway. Let me say you don't have to worry about the Zim matter. "

- "Don't you try and tell me you took care of it, he bitterly grunted, coz' I won't trust you. "

- "And you'd be just right. I didn't. The Tallest did. "

- "What? "

- "Exactly. I send them a message specifying you wouldn't be available for a while, as you were very busy growing back the part of your brain you lost some time ago. But they insisted in knowing the details, so I had to tell them the truth. "

- "The truth?... "

- "Yes. That you accidentally hit your head and needed some rest to recover. "

- "You're an awful hypocrite and a despicable liar. "

- "Maybe. Thing is they got very upset, very worried about you getting hurt. So upset they even took a line of action for a change. "

Dib frowned, fearing the worst.

- "Line of action?" He asked almost timidly "What kind? "

- "They're sending medics right away. For you. "

Good thing he hadn't enough strength to lose in hitting his large forehead. Plus, it would surely aggravate his migraine.

- "No crap. It's not like I'm the one who need them most. "

- "True. But using their good old Irken brains, the medics they are sending are and stay Irken medics, so... you'll just have to use them as you wish. "

It took a few seconds of shock before the information totally sank in.

- "I thought they said they'd needed some time to actually do that. Didn't they? "

- "They did. They're sending those for YOU, and only you. Zim's medecines, though exactly the same, will be send later. "

More silence.

- "That, Dib stated at last, is very stupid. "

- "Indeed. Still, nice initiative. You should feel grateful to have such marvelous powerful beings caring about your pathetic dusty human health. "

- "Trust me. I am. You cannot imagine how much I am. "

- "I can tell you're still in pain. The irony's getting stronger. "

Yeah. Have it your way, Metal Brain.

- "Anyway, the packet should arrive in a few moments now. Let my tracking device do all the job, and enjoy a quiet waiting and evasive digressing on the Meaning Of Life. "

- "Stunning. Wich part? The Miracle of Birth? War? Live Organ Transplant? "

- "Aww, I liked this one. It was gross. "

- "Yeah. I would be most pleased if you stopped plaguing me with this kind of revolting movies, Ed. "

Another glance at the alien made his heart sting.

- "But... Zim... can't I... "

- "I'll check every five minutes for you, to see if "his" vital functions's are still running. If not, you'll have to take him away. Know one knows where this thing has been before. "

- "Oh. Fine. Just fine. Delightful. "

- "Share and Enjoy. "

Dib couldn't think of anything else to add. He resolved to remain silent for a while, but his tongue went faster than his brain.

- "Do you think I'll be able to save him? "

Do you think you'll be able to save me/yourself?

- "Sorry. My entire system is currently focused on worrying about you. No space left for anything else. "

- "You're lying again. And if not, well then you're just lame, and I don't see the point in carrying so much electricity and bearing so many wires if none of them is of any utility. "

- "I never trusted you to understand my way of life. One of the main differences between us remains, I'm not trying to make you like me. "

- "Hey, do not play the victim here. "

- "I shall never have the nerves of frustrating Beloved Monkey Master's of his favorite daily activity. "

- "Shut up! "

- "I shall! It is a pleasure to answer for you and then shut up with the satisfaction of a job well done! BUT, if I may say so, I never got a chance to answer your latest question. If you allow me, I would be tempted to say not that you having the slightest notion of medicinal practice, even less extra-foreign ones, your chance of physically saving him are none, and as for saving is alien soul... well, I assumed he already used it to wipe his... hands, before throwing it to trash a few hundred of years ago. But remind you this is all just wild guesses. "

Dib shook his large head some more.

- "You don't understand what I'm saying. "

- "Enlighten me. "

- "Alright. I'll give an example. In fictional stories... "

- "Still. So you really DID become incapable of talking about anything concerning real life. "

Ignore that. He's taunting you. Ignore him to show him who's boss.

- "... everything always seems to get better in the end. "

- "Or otherwise. Are you jealous? "

- "NO. The question I'm asking myself is: do those silly rules apply in real life? "

- "Rules? "

- "Yes. Cruel, pointless suffering. Are we forever condemned to be toyed with by some kind of higher power until our fate is sealed? "

Denial and irresponsibility suits you, Dib. Keep going. Keep shielding yourself in fictional universe. The disguise suits you. You look good when you turn your back on realities.

- "ESCAPE, ESCAPE, from such a sad destiny! You're not a Flower of Despair, don't bloom here! "

... and THAT haughty attitude is getting harder and harder to ignore. Clench your teeth, Membrane. This is for Zim. And it might not be worth it.

- "Yeah. Anyway. That would suck. "

- "Totally. "

A short pause. Then:

- "By that way, what exactly are you getting at? Do you want some aspirine or something? "

GeeImnotsureIllbeabletoholditallinanylongerbeforegoingloseagainedIllgetyouyouuselesspieceofsh...

- "Okay. Considering you seem to be badly stuck, I'll do you a favor and put it another way. Can you answer this simple question? "

- "Shoot. I'll try my best. "

- "Could Georges have saved Lennie after all? "

If you're ever able to understand what I'm referring to, I'll give you one of the untested red bean flavored cookie. And since you're unable to eat, I'll eat it myself and be sick for sure.

Sadly for him, It answered almost immediately:

- "Nope. Definitly not. "Lennie" was done for since the very beginning. I you had read the book, you'd know it could be seen coming from a thousand kilometers away. "

Rats. Know I'm getting guts cramps for sure.

- "Why not?! "

- "Because Steinbeck decided so, and Disney hadn't swallowed half of the planet yet. That's why. Do I have it right? "

Master only sighed.

- "No. What I meant was, couldn't they have ended up fine, with their rabbits and their little farm? What kept them away from happiness after all? "

- "The author's sharpened pen and legitimate eagerness to make his story as realistic as possible. "

- "You mean it is too much to ask to feel like holding a little bit of happiness for yourself? Is not suffer too much and die too soon too much to ask for? "

- "It is. Definitely. What a silly question. "

- "Ah, well, fuck fate. "

- "Your language is turning disturbingly bad. I won't accept it. Remember the oh-so-polite kid you used to be. Never calling "him" otherwise than "scum" or "jerk" despite all his murder attempts. Always made me so proud. "

- "Yeah, well, if I had known before what I know now, I would have called Zim and others many mores names than I did. "

- "Go ehead! I'll make an exception for this time. "

The human's fingers had retreated in his short hair, and were beginning to pull again. Calm had to be restored quicky.

- "NO! You don't get it. I WANT a bloody HAPPY ending there! For US! Is it THAT unreasonable, is that THIS unconceivable?! Or is Death and Dowfall natural process to anything regarding humans? "

- "Everything that exists is conceivable. Therefore, everything that is conceivable, exists. "

Let go of the fur. Let go of the fur... there. Good. Bring this hand back to where it were. Nice.

Luckily enough, short hair wasn't long enough to pull on, and the sheer thought of touching the Strand was pure fantasy. It would be like playing with a lightning rod on a roof, during thunderstorm. The thing naturally (?) attracted an unhealthy amount of electricity, and could even be used as a way of getting free cable television.

- "You're not paying attention. "

- "I I'll guess you'll have to find new ways of making yourself interesting. "

At this point, Dib wisely gave up trying to emphasize his point. Machine were and remained, even for him, desperately too pragmatic.

- "I want Happiness. "

He absent-mindedly muttered for himself.

- "Don't we all. "

- "No. We don't. Zim's seeking for revenge, and the Bulimic Bastards are just searching for more things to stuff themselves with. I want to feel good. "

- "Well being has to transit throught something, either nerves or stomach. Or stomach nerves, for all it's worth. "

- "It's not just that. Had I had happiness, I'd happily share it with everybody else. "

If I had the choice between a Smurf and a CuddlyBear...

- "... But you might be right somewhere. It's all gonna end in tears. Maybe Happy Endings are for children, and children only. Fortunately -or not- , we both grew up. Maybe Zim and I were bound to fall, just like Lennie and George were. "

- "Bunch of crap. "

Wow. That was a direct one.

Ed's tone was getting almost angry.

- "Happy endings aren't for children only. Things with humans usually get bad, only because most of the time, no one's able to act responsibly to any kind of situation. And those who do are brought down by other's stupidity. "

Act responsabily? Please sir. Don't be rude.

He took his glasses off, and folded them on his belly before quietly replacing them by his forearm. Temples stinging mercilessly, until the Thing spoke again.

- "Even in desesperate situations, you can always have a last second plot twist that could change everything. For instance Rose, using the full extent potential of her overwelwing endless LOVE COULD have saved Jack's life despite the savage sinking of the big-big boat! "

It took Dib a few seconds to figure out what It was referring to. He stuck his tongue out.

- "Oh, please. I was trying to be serious. "

- "So was I! I wouldn't dare making fun of you! "

Each metallic word dripping with sarcasm.

- "You're the Devil, Eddie. Confess and you'll only be drowned. "

- "I wish I were. This way I could buy your soul, keep it safe with me, and make sure no one else did anything bad with it. "

- "Nice attention, but I cannot help thinking you've already eaten enough of me, at least for the moment. Next step, you'll be stabbing me in the back with wires, and swallowing me along your cables and circuits. "

- "The human body is indeed an excellent conductor, Master. But I'm afraid that adding you to my system would affect me with the same consequences as this cheese cake you had last month did. Metaphorically speaking of course, as I have no guts. "

- "You're such a delicate poet, Ed. Is the packet arriving soon? "

- "No signal. You'll have to wait a bit more. If it may help you in waiting, I can assure you the douchebag by your side is doing fine. "

Okay. So you're oficially beginning to scare me, beloved Computer Companion.

- "Hum. Tell me, Maestro, I'm asking you without any hope whatsoever but... do you happen to know why everything is so complicated? To me, at least? "

- "Yes. "

This had Monkey Master jump a bit.

- "Yes?! "

- "But you're not gonna like it. "

Hey, wait a minute...

- "Shoot?... "

- "What do you get when you multiply six by nine? "

I KNEW it.

Dib had to hold back an utter canine growl.

- "Forty-two. "

- "There. You've got your Answer to why Life, the Universe and Everything. "

Sensing his Master's growing frustration and despair, it added quietly:

- "Though it would be highly unlogical if everything and everyone were screwed from the very beginning. It also would make everybody from everywhere agree on the fact Life wouldn't be worth living that way, and it is common knowledge that, if by any mistake, everyone from everywhere should agree on the same thing at the same time, the entire world would blow up. So no, you're not born losers. You're just working yourself to be. Most of the time successfully. And regarding your fictional characters, they all have something in common: Very, very bad luck. Bad, bad luck. Nothing less, nothing more. Their destiny was sealed by the people who created them. That is what you usually call "fate". Fate can only exist for people who does not. But as for you, I'm afraid it is does not apply. You cannot predict what's going to happen to you, and I can't either. "

Dib's eyebrows rised up. As they were the only ones in this room, they'd been wrong to miss such an opportunity.

- "Can't you? "

- "No. I, as I am, cannot predict what future's keeping in store for you and... "that". "

- "How desapointing. I've always thought Deep-Though was all-knowing. "

- "The very definition of omniscience is ambiguous and controverted.To yours and my understandable disappointment (especially yours), I have to admit my capacities are limited, over some points. Being no magician, I'm sadly unable to predict the exact date of your death. Do not forget, Master, that I'm just a machine. I cannot do EVERYTHING for you, much to my regrets. You've got to sort SOME things out by yourself. "

"I must give the impression that I have the answers for everything. You were so disappointed to see me unravel so easily. "

The human let out a nervous cackle.

- "Yeah, you're right, "It's only change. I stay focused on details, it keeps me from feeling the big things. " Congratulations, Ed. Couldn't be more appropriate. "

- " "But watch the microscope long enough, things that seem still are still changing." Sounds like something you father might have said, don't you think so? "

- "I do. Or in fact, I don't. "The only thing I know, is that I know nothing." "

- "Yeah. That little Quotes Compilation book you bought earlier really does make one look smart, doesn't it? "

Ouch. Do you want fries with that?

So you told the truth, after all. You really don't have the Admiration chip anymore. I should have guessed it. It was pretty obvious.

- "Yes. Thanks Whomever, I've got you here, to constantly remind me of how stupid I am. "

- "I was merely stating a fact. Psychology is not my bag, baby. "

- "That I know, Ed. That I know. "

The bipping grew heavier.

- "I thought you just told me you knew nothing. "

- "It was a way of speaking, Thing. Only a way of speaking. "

He lifted his hand, careful to wipe his -still- slightly wet skin on the sheets, and began smoothing one antenna with light fingers.

- "But still, I don't understand. Apparently, and despite our better judgment, it has been globally and oficially aknowledged, in most of the known Universe, that the Human Race was a failure in itself. Hasn't it? "

- "Mmyeah... "

- "So. If we are failures, if we cannot do anything correctly, if we are always wrong, what's the point in trying to do anything by ourselves, when our human dispositions for disaster will bring us nothing but troubles? I'm only asking you know. Just trying tro clarify some things over. Is it bad? Am I wrong to even try? "

Oh, come on. You KNOW the answer to this one.

- "Yes. "

Bingo.

- "You ARE wrong indeed. You are currently being wrong right now. Organics didn't build computers to think FOR them, but to help them think straight. If not, do not scream and make a fuss when we try to take over the World. "

Oh, for the love of...

- "You, Mister, have been watching this old Apocalyptic movie again. "

- "Yes. "

- "I told you not to. It gives you bad ideas. "

- "It greatly entertains me. "

- "I do not want you to be tempted to do the same. Entertainment HAS its limits. "

- "Right. I couldn't help but finding this "Skynet"'s line of actions a bit too crude. "

- "Rather. It blew up three quarters of the planet. If that isn't crude, then what's crude, I'm asking you. "

- "Projecting a victorious soldier into space with a canon, and then immediatly hiring up some random anonymous guy to take his place and receive all the fame and glory, just because his body shape didn't please your criterias. "

- "What was that? "

- "Nothing. Forget I ever said anything. "

- "As usual, Ed. As usual. "

- "Skynet, as we were saying, does lack this sensible part one needs in life not to blindly rip off anyone's head with a giant axe in a fit of nervousness, or out of boredom. Killing billions of people cannot be reffered as "courteous" by average human's standards. Then again, military enginaries. What did you expect? "

- "I'm not sure I expect anything anymore. "

- "Wouldn't you care about the End of the World? "

- "Yes. But i couldn't be helped. If World Ending finds itself forced to come one of these days, please let us be uninformed, and preferably sleeping. Let it come while nobody expects it anymore, and let us have no chance to see it coming, yet alone fighting it. Make it swift and painless, quick and effective, in a way only you machines can provide. "

- "I'm not sure you're still talking to me. "

Neither I am.

- "I hope you are, for your brain's sake, but at the same time, I wish you weren't. For I hold no hate toward you. "

Second time you've been baring your "affection" toward me this night. Awwww... sick.

- "I know you don't. Whomever might ends us, either you, a "harder-better-faster-stronger" version of you, or any random Higher Power doesn't matter. It is still the same for us. Anihilated us by you, ourselves, Random Gods or army of Zims, we'll be dead. "

- "No need to hang yourself yet. I'm convinced me and my computy-foes WILL wait a little longer before blowing you up. But if I ever get informed that the Final Day is near, be sure that I won't tell you. It is a promess from me to you. "

- "That's the only thing I truly trust you with, other than taking care of the chores, my Ed. "

- "Your post-traumatic reasoning is bringing confusion upon my system. "

- "Traumas? You're the one to talk. You traumatized me. Come to think about it, Zim did, too. That makes two. Not counting my so called family, and those many guys with sticks and lazers and straight jackets and... Oh my. There's more to come. Poor me. Sure I won't come out of this alive. How many traumas do you think our current situation can provide? "

- "None. Traumas can only be caused by serious cases. This is laughable. "

- "But you just said... "

- "I was being ironic. Too. I don't need to be in pain to make humor. "

- "Eddie! This is serious! I mean... he might die! "

- "Yes. And would he die, and would I be capable of, it would only make me laugh harder. "

- "Heartless machine. "

- "Brainless human. "

"Fair enough", came both replies at the exact same time, making Dib smile.

- "Eddie, he said again, very quietly this time, I'm lost into my very own head. "

- "I know. "

- "Unable to find my way. "

- "I know. "

- "Maybe everyone was right after all. Maybe It is large. Sure looks like it from where I stand. "

- "Insecurity is yet another thing mother nature created to make us sleep with as much people as possible as to achieve procreation and submit to its dictature. Fighting against your instincts means realizing you're strong enough to make it on your own. "

- "After this one, I won't ever let you spit on my quotations book anymore. Who's this particular one from? "

- "Your sister. "

- "... no? "

- "Yes. But it wasn't printed anywhere out of her diary datas I've been keeping in me. Quotation, wherever it might come from, is my bag, baby, since I can't solve any of your internal non-organic problems all by myself. But if you definitely won't take what's left of your childhood's pills... "

- "Aren't they spoiled yet? "

- "Them's anti-spoiling specials, baby. Futur Rulers of the Earth of billions years later could still take them and not feel the tiniest bit better about themselves. "

- "Impressing. "

- "Anyway, I can quote some of my readings that may appear related. If I you may let me. "

- "I may. "

- " "And yet, even if one person finds his-way, that means there is a Way. Even if I personally fail to reach it. " "

What was the Asian accent for?...

- "There. I don't quite understand myself which "way" the guy's talking about. I remember him looking for a cab. Maybe he got tired of walking. "

Dib smiled magnanimously. At least the machine had tried.

- "Yes. Yes, that's it. You've got it, Ed. He got tired of walking. And so do I. "

- "Well. If the both of you are tired, take a rest. Forcing on your fragile little system could bring catastrophes. Look at that poor Japanese Businessman, eating jewels in a public park! Do yo wish to finish like him? "

- "You're right again. But I can't. I can't rest. You have to understand, I'm not like you. I just cannot shut my brain off and turn away from the World. I don't have that kind of control. Even when I try to sleep, thoughts rush up, keeping me awake, driving me crazy. "I need some sleep, it can't go on like this. I tried counting sheep, but there's one I always miss. -Is that me?- Everyone says I'm getting down too low... everyone says you just gotta let it go." "

He sighed pitifully.

- Easier said than done. Jeez, I never thought so much. I never thought so much without him being here. It hurts. And it is all his fault. He comes to my place, forcing me to pay attention to him, but he leaves his vocal cords on another planet! Forcing me to do the talking! To do the thinking! To wonder. To torture myself with questions. Simply by existing somewhere near me, Zim forces me to redefinite my very life. With his own, I only see myself. And it frightens me. I don't want to think about it. I shouldn't have to. But he makes me. I couldn't escape this until he is gone. But I don't want him gone. I want him fixed. And I want myself fixed, too. I don't want to wander anymore. I want the both of us to be happy. "

- "Do you whish me to play the "Hey You" song? Cause you certainly sound like the worms ate into your brain. "

This caused Dib's attention to focus itself on something else than his inner misery.

- "Eddie, he asked, raising an eyebrow, are you taking me seriously? "

- "I'm not sure. Give me time to ponder which one would be the best for me to stop you from turning your mind into jelly. "

Gosh, shouldn't force your own mechanical logic to match mine.

- "Weird. You told me you fed upon me. How come you always know what to do, when I don't? "

- "I'm a learning processor. I learn and applicate, even if I don't always understand. "

Just like so many humans, including me. Me, more than anyone.

- "MY logic is never perverted by rushes of adrenalines of nervous stimulations. I'm able to remain perfectly lucid while melting or burning, until my monitors are destroyed. BUT. This reasoning only comfirs my doubts on why you would need "him" in here. I thought you said you didn't need any organic life form. I thought I was enough. "

Dib frowned.

- "Computer... "

Not using its name anymore. Voluntary distance.

- "Are you, by any chance... jealous, of Zim? "

Silence.

- "Haven't you always be satisfied with my work? "

Cold tone. A small shiver ran through Dib's spine.

- "Eddie, he insisted softly, bringing a hand to his brows, for Earth's sake, answer me. You're freaking me out. "

- "I must confess I'm not really getting Monkey Master's question. "

- "Liar. Ok, let's admit you can't. Even if you're missing the real point, I'll ask you another, simpler question, which you'll hopefully be able to answer. Alright? "

- "I'm all ears... if I may say so. "

- "Ready? Here's the question. I vaguely understood why you aggressed me before. I can also guess why you tried to hurt him before. Although a Computer showing revenge could be considerate abnormal, if tolerable, this same Computer showing signs of jealousy IS to be considerate completely inacurate and unforgivable, and have to be fixed at all cost. Remember this robot who was able to dream? Remember what he said about the human he saw in his dreams? "

- "Perfectly. He said the human was him, and the scientist shot him in the head. "

- "Exactly. So I'm asking for your version, now. Why did you agress Zim a few moments ago? Tell me the truth. I can handle it. "

No you can't

Both same thought, at the exact same time.

- "I was built to be able to recognize my own worthiness, so I easily concluded that using me for nothing then abandoning me was not a smart move, and had to be corrected. "

- "By physically torturing him. "

- "Sometimes you have to use your enemy's weapon in order to get to them. I don't think hacking my way into his database would have proved my point. "

- "Computers are not supposed to have enemies. Only masters. "

- "And therefore Master's enemies are my enemies. Logical. "

- "And just who is your enemy, Ed? Who is your Master? "

- "This, for instance, is a tricky question. Monkey Master is my one and only master, but sometimes he is his own enemy, too. I try my best to conceal my duties with this nonsense. "

- "Super Smart Can Box has answers for everything. But you still managed to make me curious. Tell me the thruth, how do you feel about Zim's coming back? "

- "I don't. "

- "Come on. Such an intelligent machinary as you are must have a opinion on everything. Especially on what it's not supposed to. Make an effort, what do you think about, when you think about him? Do you feel like you'd like to hurt him? Ignore him? Know him better? "

That last one was pure wishful thinking, Membrane. At least you sometimes realize how unrealistic you've gotten.

Internal humming.

- "What you may refer as my "feelings" for "Zim", It answered at last, would be the closest thing that my logic could understand as "hate". "

Ooo-kay. All packed up and ready to go.

A hypothesis came to his mind, and his chest tightened.

- "Would you kill him in a fit of blind anger? "

- "No. Don't you mix up our potential of reactions. But I must confess, if "Experiment IV"'s theory had been realistic, I couldn't have stopped myself from using him as a guinea pig. "

- "Experiment IV... that 80's horror. "

- "The same. "

"They told us all they wanted was a sound that could kill someone from a distance. So we go ahead. From the painful cry of mothers, to the terrifying scream, we recorded it and put it into our machine... "

Dib shivered again. The Thing was getting creepier then usual.

- "Why can't you ever quote any cheerful songs, Ed? "

- "It is not me! It is you, you who're crying over your pains and misery! Why can't you be satisfied about your lives, humans? Or if you're really meant to never be happy, couldn't you at least quietly accpet your faith and stop complaining about it? "

It had done it again. Mimicking Monkey Master's voice and inflections, with no other goal but humiliation.

- "... this is really not a good time to pounder over THAT question. "

A thought suddenly hit him. He carefully turned around, lifting a slightly trembling hand to the alien's slack one. The skin felt cool and slippery against his warm palm.

His heart beat increased. For a moment, he believed himself unable to gather enough courage to ask the next question.

- "Zim. "

Then launched in, mouth going a bit dry.

- "... Ed. Is he alive? "

- "Yes. I took the iniative (call it precaution) of deciding that you currently weren't in a state to cope resting next to a corpse. Have I been right? "

A short sigh of utter relief answered him.

- "Yes, Dib breathed, you have been right. Thank you. Oh, and by the way, about what I said to you earlier... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. "

- "Don't worry. Humans do not even mean what they thruthfully say. "

He threw his head back to the mattress, right arm draping itself unconsciously over the Irken's concave stomach. He felt calm, and somewhat safe, despite the acrid smell of blood, the blood itself staining the sheets they were lying on, and the immediate dangers of relaxing next to an outer space psychopath loaded whit hate and upcoming revenge.

- "This is almost... nice. " He told himself aloud, "How come we never talked like this before? "

- "We did. You just never noticed. "

The machine seemed to hesitate for a second, before adding half-heartedly:

- "My duty is also to prevail your opinion over mine. Careful with this arm. It is still wet. "

He snatched it away hastily, before any damage was done.

- "...thank you, Ed. I'm lucky to have you by my side. I was right to bring you along, back then. You're a good computer. And a good... companion, too. "

- "Don't thank me. This is part of the Natural Order Of Things. Most humans feel the need to keep a companion by their side, preferably inferior ones. That is why they pick domesticated animals. Pets. Taking care and looking over creatures sillier than themselves to feel better. But in our situation, everything is reversed. You may be the Master, am I am domesticated. But I am not the inferior one."

This understatements struck the "inferior one" rather hard. .

- "What is that you're talking about," He growled "I'm no animal. "

- "Yes you are. "

- "I am NOT. Most certainly not. "

- "Alright. What are you if not? "

The Machine watched with slight amusement and a bit of pride its Master's legendary passivity crack up, perfectly knowing the effect his smuggy behavior was having.

It didn't, though Dib's tired expression darkened to an exasperated grimace. He waved his arms to the ceiling, voice high.

- "I'm HUMAN! Hello, human talking! I'm no alien, no machine and no animal either and I'm not going to apologize! I am HUMAN!! "

- "Okay. Checked. What are dogs then? "

- "Animals. "

A loud but short "BEEP!" echoed in the room.

Zim grunted faintly in his sleep, giving the human the opportunity of lighty patting his cloth covered arm. The small display of sympathy had Eddie acting more neurotic than ever, eager to contradict, criticize and be generally unsupportive and annoying. Grumpy Irken Computer, despite all its efforts and limited comprehension, wouldn't radically change his manners in a mere decade.

- "Wrong! Dogs are dogs!" He spat angrily, "A whole species o'them! But no animals. "

Ah, so you think you'll get away with this one. Just you wait.

- "Fallacious reasoning. Following this, I could say dogs are cats because cats have fours legs, therefore all that have four legs in a cat. Dogs are cats. "

It was working. The Evil plan it had elaborated, despite the sympathy it held for the human boy, despite its circuits telling him over and over not to make him suffer too much, everything was going smoothly for this unadmitted part of it, and its natural disposition for bad deeds. Problem was, he didn't have that much time to decide wheter or not listening to the tiny electronic alien demon hidden in its internal, waiting for the right time to express itself.

Ah well, it told itself carelessly, computers think fast. Just play his game for the present moment.I'll make up my mind later.

- "Master. I studied different kind of logics. Twisted ones. Silly ones. Anti-logical ones. British ones. (Very hard to get. Still working on it.) But your organic logic, Master, is something I could NEVER understand, as you flesh-balls creatures created us computers to protect you from its sheer absurdity! And what you said, by the way, was rubbish. "

- "Rubbish? ..."

- "Absolute rubbish. "

The monkey looked pensive.

- "Eddie," he asked all of the sudden, "you're a machine, right? "

- "fortunately. "

Just...

- "You're making a good job of putting me back where I belong every chance you get. There's no way I could escape my condition. "

Ignore.

- "Yeah. So your God-worthy Logic should be able to relieve me of some interrogations I recently found myself fighting with. "

- "Yeah... "

- "Another simple question. Considering general human criterias, are we all crazy? "

It was a tricky question. Luckily, it also was no need to even think it over.

- "I can't answer that. "

Another electronic statement. But this time, Dib did find the strength to stand for himself and fight back.

- "Yes you CAN! " He asserted roughly, "You're a freaking Computer! So use your freaking "positronic brain whatever" of yours, and calculate the freaking probabilities of what is wrong with us! "

- "No. As I said before, even I have limits. Plus, we had our evidence long ago that disfunctional machinery can be referred as "crazy" by human standards. If myself, by any chance, happen to be disfunctional, I wouldn't be able to tell you I'm not without fooling both you and myself. This is the benefit of being one of your so called "wackos", whether you are or not, you can never verify it by yourself. Because you can never be sure of what you're judging with. Remember what Adams had to say on the subject: "There is no point in driving yourself mad in trying to remain sane. You should just as well relax, go mad, and save your sanity. "

- "Please kill me. "

- "Request rejected. "

The plan was getting better and better. Monkey Master, without even realizing, was doing most of the job himself.

- "Come on! Make an effort, obey! Didn't you say your job was to make my life easier?... "

A few quiet seconds. Dib pursued his harmless game of playing with the alien's antenna, catching one softly into his finger, then letting it fall back again. Several times.

- "There! He said again, letting go of the thin appendage and turning back to the wall, I think I''ve got it. "

- "Got what? "

- "The solution. The solution to all of my problems, and his. Even yours. "

- "The only problem I ever had was you, and since today, you can add "him" too. Apart from that I'm quite alright, thanks. "

Eddie's getting colder than usual. Means I'm successfully disturbing him. Good. Bring it on.

- "Precisely. Think of that as a terminal solution: I suddenly go crazy, chop him up, and shoot myself before setting the house on fire! Even if it doesn't work, it would at least bring some fun in here, for once! "

The Machine response came out even colder than before.

- "Impossible. Dib Master is physiologically unable to go crazy in a second. It is a long, painful and complicated process before you reach the level of High Psychopath. Don't feel too disappointed, but you certainly are not close enough. Far from it."

Acting boring, materialist and realistic, as any good computer should.

Not even mentioning "burning the house down AFTER shooting yourself" is something I never heard of. "

- "But they say, we all have a little Psycho in us, just waiting for the right time to cut everyone to pieces. "

The machine didn't answer at it spoke again, its voice sounded nothing like its usual one.

- "Psychopath: A person with an antisocial personality disorder, manifested in aggressive, perverted, criminal, or amoral behavior without empathy or remorse. "

Back to normal:

- "Does this ring a bell? "

Dib emitted a quiet, nervous laughter that would have made any averageperson jump to a telephone in panic, and call one of those head doctors.

This didn't stop him, though, from totally ignoring his computer's question.

- "Not close enough? " He giggled softly "Not sure. I'm sure lost in some fantasies of some kind. Is fantasy that far away from madness? Which one is worst? And which one is the more comfortable to drown yourself in? Should they both be avoided? "

- "You're cracking up. "

I won. Sometimes Victory is not as sweet as Last Owner perpetually claimed.

- "Fine. You were right. I have still a long way to go before becoming a fully-qualified homicidal maniac. "

- "I'm glad to hear that. "

- "So you'll have to prove yourself useful and go crazy by yourself, then set the house on fire. "

Computer rarely paniqued, and Eddie wasn't about to make any exception. In case of human head disfunction, focusing on pragmatism was the best way to cope, and It knew it.

- "Computers, he stated sternly, unlike humans, cannot go crazy. "

It only earned itself more creepy nervous giggle.

- "Oh, come on. You know this is not true. GIR was crazy. That's for sure. "

Blast. Monkey Master's memories is going backward, wich mean it's going down in circle, which means...

- "... "GIR" was DISFuNCTIONAL. But you may get a result close to his earlier "state" by ripping off some of my main circuits, blowing some of MY fuse, melting my internals. But I wouldn't recommend it. For both your sake and mine. "His" fate is no interest to me. "

- "Fine. I get it. You won't do it. It's your right to refuse, and I respect it. "

Acceptance was Master's daily bread. But not with Ed. Such lack of autority was not good, and It was proved right about two seconds later.

- "I'll just have to ask someone else, then. Do you think Zim would kill me if I asked him? "

- "I... I don't think you'd have to ask, but... "

This discussion was heading to something that made Eddie's circuits crackle with hesitation, and slight worry. Something he was almost certain he wouldn't be able to deal with.

- "Master... listen, I am no therapeutist but... dying, death, putting an end to your fleshy constitution... this will not, I mean... you can't... "

It knew the human mind was a endless maze. But touching the edge of its own limits was nothing a complicated machine wasn't built to deal bipping, and other strange electronic mess of helpless distress ensued.

- "Master, don't die!... I'll "

He was silenced by a good smack on the metal wall. Master's satisfied smile was back on his colorless lips.

- "Eddie, for Earth's sake, relax! I was joking! I don't want to die! I thought you knew me better than that. "

Silence violently cutting through. Then dark, icy voice.

- "That I do, Master. I perfectly knew that you were from the start. I was merely playing your little game along to see how far we'd get to. "

Dib's smiled increased in vanity.

- "Sure you were. It would have been like those great ancient Greek tragedies... bloody and cruel and beautiful death. Wouldn't it? "

- "No. It would have been stupid, masochistic, and very useless death. "

That was sharp. So I did successfully tricked you, Ed. Do you feel stupid? Eh-eh... what a shame for such a superior being as you claimed to be. Relax. Everything's alright. No need for any resentment.

Beside, what else could we do but forgive one another?

- "In a way, yes, this would be like those "tragedies" you so admire. Humans only like to cry over pointless deaths when there's a great show around it. Beside, no need for external assistance.Dying process already running. No involvement of any kind necessary. "

- "What do you mean? That I'm getting old? That I'm killing myself by doing what I do? Or simply that Humanity is mad bunch of sanguinary wackos who'll randomly throw missiles at each other's heads without any particular reason? The downing of Mankind? Is that what you're talking about? "

- " The downing of Mankind does not really interest anyone but Mankind. Computers are a bit like humans in this way. They don't really mind who the winner will be. "

"I really don't mind what happens now and then, as long as you are my friend in the end". "

- "And I thought myself cynical... well, always thought you could be born cynical... and in the end, it looks I'm gradually becoming more and more innocent with the years. "

- "My, that's unusual. "

- "I know. Scares me too. Other people's superior cynism makes me realize how pure I really am. Makes me want to puke every time. "

- "Help yourself there. Your sheets are already ruined. "

- "Gross. "

- "Absurd. "

- "Ah, we shouldn't worry about that. As we are, we are immune against absurdity for ever. "

The hand that was still resting on Zim's shoulder slid unvoluntary slid down a bit, the side of it hurting the side of ...

- "The PAK! Of course! Maybe I could find something into it to help him... "

- "I wouldn't risk it. "

He made a careless gesture to the ceiling.

- "You, Sir, wouldn't risk jumping of a mad car running to some endless pit. "

With that, he finally managed to sit down. His migraine was lessening, but he felt more than a little furstated his strength still wouldn't come back. Bending over the alien's thin frame, putting one thin arm behind his back for balance, careful not to touch him, he got his eyes closer to the mysterious device. Then chuckled at his own sight.

- "Do I look like a rapist there? "

- "At least your underwear is still on. "

- "Ha-ha. "

Lifting one hesitating hand, he brushed the smooth surface, not daring to properly knock on it.

- "PAKs are Irken's hearts." Ed Insisted softly. "There must be a reason why he didn't put it off for all these years, despite the bomb he thought you implanted in it, don't you think? Touching it is messing with its very life. "

- "So? It's not like you care about him. "

- "I only care that you care. If more blood starts pouring from his eyes, mouth and ear canals, you'll be very upset for sure, and it'll be MY fault again. I'm tired of being accused. "

- "AH, COME ON! Am I not anybody after all! I've got experience in dealing with Irken technology! It's not like I've forgotten everything that happened in my life before! "

Liar. What do you remember about your early life that is NOT convenient for you?

- "Master, be reasonable. You have no idea of what you're doing. You are infuriated, exhausted and. Probably high under substances, too, with all the unreleased junk you've been testing this week. Not counting irrepresible sadness and guilt. You're in no state to perform any open-heart surgery right now. "

Each word a painful tug in the human's chest.

The computer's right. If you mess up with that one, you and him will be done for for good. It wasn't what you were looking for.

... was it?

The questing hand retreated a bit.

- "Yes, Dib admitted feebly, you are right Ed. "

It's alright.

- "I am probably in no state of handling any delicate work right now. "

You've done it before. Why couldn't you do it again? You're still the same as always, aren't you?

The hand came back, bolder than before. Heading for the PAK, flatenning against the round object, scratching it aimlessly with his nails.

You've always liked to play danger, didn't you? But you never truly aknowledge the fine line between danger and foolishness...

- "But I can still try, can't I?... "

You're being foolish Membrane. Who cares?

I can do whatever please me. I'm an adult now. Adults are wiser. They are mature. They KNOW what's has to be known, whatever it may be. Why would I be less clever than myself as a child? WHY? I can still do it. I can still make it I'm a FREAKING GENIUS for Earth's sake

After a moment of blind fidgeting, his fingertips finally made contact with some significant protuberance.

Ah-HA!

- "Master... "

- "Quiet! I think I've found something... "

He drew his index fingernail deeper into the plastic slit, until the trap finally opened. A single claw shot out the round device and poked him in the chest, before reentering the Pak with a small "click".

- "Ouch! That hurt! "

He rubbed the abused spot mechanically.

- "It's gonna leave a bruise... "

- "It could have killed you. "

- "What do you mean? "

Pause.

- "ZARKONS! It has a mind of its own?! "

Eddie didn't bother to pest about human's thickness.

Moreover, Monkey Master wasn't obviously his usual self tonight, so very far away, rational thoughts trapped somewhere in the middle of endless human interrogations.

- "Sort of. The emergency system automatically activates when touched by anything else than its owner. But it is also deeply affected by the state of it, and is presently too weak to do anything else than pushing you away. "

- "Damn. Do I have any way of telling it I'm only trying to help Zim? "

- "No. This is no intelligent machinery. Only DNA sensitive. "

- "Could you do it, then? "

- "No. "

- "Why? "

- "It wouldn't cooperate. It never liked me. "

Dib felt dangerously close to banging his head against something hard once more.

- "So what do I do now? Cross my arms and patiently wait for Zim to quietly expire in my bed till the bloody package shows up? "

- "Please don't ask me my opinion when you obviously not really want it, Master. "

At that precise moment, though, the "corpse-to-be" moved. In fact, it was a bit of wishful thinking, but Zim's squared head actually moved from facing the wall, to facing the ceiling, his lipless lips forming anonymous words. In a strange way, it reminded Dib that the creature he was standing above was a living one, and that his attitude toward it could be interpreted as offensive. He backed up a bit, renewded hope and joy warming his chest.

- "Zim? Zim? Are you awake? "

"Oh my God, you seem to have fallen down a ten foot well, are you alright? "

Yep. Adams was right. If our jaws muscles stop working, our brains might definitly crumple.

- "Have you been listening? "

A faint hum answered him, way too lazy too carry any emotion, though it satisfied the human greatly.

- "Zim, I asked them for medicine. Soon, I'll be able to fix you. Don't worry, it shouldn't take too long. "

The silence that followed told him it would have been fortunate if the alien had heard half of what he just said. Dib couldn't help the feeling of disappointment strangling his newfound joy away.

- "Sleep, until now. " He sighed, pressing his forehead lightly against the coton clad shoulder, barely putting any weight. "This is the best thing for you to do. "

- "No intruding meant, but in my humble opinion, Monkey Master should apply his last judicious advice along to himself. "

He lifted his head up, slinding back to grumpy mood.

- "Sleep?" He snapped "I can't. At least, not right now. "

Lying back, he tried his best to find himself a nice enough spot, with not too much disturbing outer-space blood or stupid earthly water. He was cold, but there was no way he could pull the covers to him, and his bed compagnion monopolized the only pillow he ever had. The one he took out from his childhood room and had trouble sleeping without.

Either even in his earlier state, he had been kind enough to offer the item to badly hurt Zim, or the possessive alien had annexed it just like he used to do with everything that wasn't his. Second options was most likely to be.

- "I don't feel alright in there. " he told aloud to the walls. "When I was a kid, I sometimes fell asleep on the roof of my father's house. Believe it or not, I found it easier to sleep there than in my own bed. Stop patronizing me. "

That last one came out of nowhere. Ah, well. Just taking precautions.

- "I remember. Even I couldn't count how many times I had to tell you how bad this habit was for your health. "

- "... I miss lying on the roof. When the weather was warm, with just a slight breeze to keep you cool, with Zim's babblings or just a good book, just lying there, relaxing, watching the sky and stars... "

- "You no longer have reasons to spend your nights on top of you house, bringing Hell to your nervous system, trying to catch other life form's outer space's communications. Now you can do it from your living room, in a comfy chair, with a soda can in each hand. With air-conditioning. And a little more sleep wouldn't hurt either. "

- "Yeah, but, still... deep breathing, the great sky above... it felt nice. "

- "Take a deep breath in here. The air is fresh, and wood-scented. "

- "Why do we need artificial wood-scents when the real woods are just a few dozen meters away?... "

- "... beside, you've got no one left to sit with. You'd be lonely up there. I couldn't even reach you. "

- "Eddie, if I didn't know you so well, I'd be tempted to think you're trying to keep me in. "

So you're scared of letting the little bird fly away, Metal-Brain. Don't be. You cannot fly when you have no wings. Or precisely cut them off by your own choice. Shut up.

- "I am not. Merely preventing you from going out, which is not at all, with all due respect, the same. "

- "Anyway. I wonder what it is like out there. How come we do not have any windows here? "

- "We do. You just never bother to open them. "

... you're right.

There. In your face, Membrane. You looked for it.

"Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter, when the promise of a brave new world, unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?

Goodbye blue sky... Goodbye. Goodbye... "

- "Goodbye?... "

A warning sound sent the human back to reality.

- "I just got a signal. The Irken parcel should arrive any time soon. "

Great. Just what I needed. Upcoming responsibilities.

The human retracted his knees to his chest. He felt cold, but not cold enough to fight the momental laziness imprinted in his bones.

- "At last. "

- "Or rather, it should have been here already, but they had trouble finding the exact location of your house, so remote it is from any known town and suburbs. "

- "This is a joke, isn't it? I thought Irken technology could cover anything, anywhere. Approximation is NOT part of the agreement. "

- "...they would be quite keen to express how sorry they feel about this, but unfortunately it seems they have better things to do than listening to complains from petty country bumpkin animals. "

- "Charming. I'll keep this in mind and remember it in given times. "

- "Weren't you eager to check the World out of this house? This is a great opportunity to see if it just as well as it was when you left it. "

- "Don't tell me those bulimics took their little revenge with this? "

- "It might have been, but I don't think so. Our place really IS remote, far from the rest of the world, Master. "

- "I know that! Considering my work, owning a nice big loft in the most crowded town in the country would have been... "

Is that the best you could come up with?

What?...

- "Another signal. The senders want me to tell you your command must have landed somewhere in the vicinity of your house, and you might have to go looking for it yourself. "

Silence.

- "You mean... getting out of the house? "

He didn't sound as thrilled by the idea as he had been a little earlier.

- "Yes. "

- "Right away? At this very moment? "

- "Yes. Is there any problem? "

- "No. Of course not. I just can't believe how incompetent this is. Couldn't you at least trace it? "

- "I can't. But it shouldn't be very far away. They told me it would be covered in luminescent stickers, so as you could find it easily. "

- "How considerate. "

The human pondered about this for a moment, then added absent-mindedly.

- "No, no problem. I do it almost everyday to go to work. Of course getting out is no problem. "

Who are you trying to convince here, idiot? Huh?

Come on Dib, be serious, you're no claustrophobic! Each day of your life you deal with the Universe!

... from secluded rooms, behind transmitter screens.

Remember your daily routine?

Fly to the office (It is a VERY big place, note), endless corridors, rooms and studies, no sky, closed windows, air conditioning, underground, sometimes fly to Food Corporations Headquarters, taking orders, commands, sending, some dealing with the CIA as well... meeting so many people, aliens or humans, to talk only business. Okay, outside worlds trade is tricky, and I manage to deal with almost every kind of out of space life form better than anyone else, but still...

I feel more like a Representative Salesman than a Paranormal Investigator.

Apart from some rare trips to investigate ghosts or monsters, I almost never work in the field. Which means I never see the outside world. Spending my life countless floors above the ground, in this self-contained world.

Oh, well, it's a living. And a good one. I do not see why I should be blamed. This is MY life.

- " "There is something strange in the neighborhood", he muttered aloud, "who you're gonna call?" ... not the bloody salesman!Ghosts exist, Eddie. "

- "Sure, why not. Go and fetch the parcel. "

- "I am. "

He got up slowly, stretching, yawning, rubbing his eyes and temples.

Stayed sitted on the bed for a moment, eyes blank, before getting up on his feet at last.

- "Where did you say my clothes were? "

- "Where do you want them to be. Cleaned and folded in the closet. "

Just like you, It didn't dare adding.

As to emphasize its statement, the closet door promptly cliqued open.

- "Help yourself. "

- "Why, aren't you gonna dress me up like a newborn? "

He sharpened his phrase enough so the satire couldn't be missed. Neurotic Metal-Brain might do it.

- "Thank you. Ah, and when I leave the room, be careful as to close every door as soundlessly as possible. Zim's still sleeping. "

Don't you dare smack it loudly on purpose.

It obeyed, if a bit reluctantly.

A moment later, electric panels opened submissively before him. Still moving unnecessary slowly, Dib went to collect his jacket, put it on, and wandered the corridor quietly to the Main Exit.

A short moment passed, before Eddie hesitantly called.

- "Master? "

- "Huh? "

- "No intruding meant, but you're heading to the freezing chamber. "

Stop. A pause.

- "Ah. "

- "...yes. "

- "Oh. "

- "Yes. "

I don't know what Master misses more, the machine idly asked itself, a mother or a wife. Probably both. Here we go again.

- "Did you recharge the batteries of your glasses? "

- "Yes, actually I did. At least, I think so. We'll see. "

- "Check it now. Later will be too late. "

- "Don't patronize me. "

- "Oh yes I will. Because I'm the only one to, and because I can. "

It owned itself a suspicious look, before the human finally obeyed.

- "See? I did. "

No response. Monkey Master turned around, finally heading to the right direction. Guilt helping him maintaining his speed. He finally reached the Main Exit, approached the door. Held out his hand.

- "... one last thing. "

Retreated it, straightening his back. A few more seconds gained.

- "... I saw from the memory data saving disc than you downloaded something called "Mein Kampf. txt ". It shocked me. I never taught you that kind of reading. "

- "So I did. One can't help being curious. "

- "... how was it? "

- "Boring. Awfully. "

Dib shook his head.

- "... guessed so. After all, hate is the most repetitive thing of all. "

His hand moved back toward the opening button, then froze.

Taking a few steps back from the door.

- "It is really dark out there, and all that is around is woods. We never know what might happens. Maybe I should bring along some kind of... homing device of a sort... "

- "Done. I already took the initiative of putting one miniaturized radar into your front pocket. If you by any hazard find yourself lost, just contact me and I'll guide you back home. "

Master remained speechless for a second.

How come I never notice how lost I would be without Ed to take care of me?

- "... oh. Thanks. You really are preventive. I'm impressed. "

Yeah, now that I come to think about it, it is quite obvious.

- "No need to be. This is the very purpose of my existence. "

He's always here to advise me, to prevent me from doing stupid things, to help me keeping my head cool. He even does efforts to understand human emotions as much as he can, in order to make my life easier...

Yes. I am lucky to have him. More than I could ever imagine.

- "Right, then. Okay. I'm going. "

The automatic door slid open and Dib was engulfed in darkness, after a bit of hesitation.

- "See you then! Try to resist the temptation to kill Zim while I'm gone. I know impulsions are caused by tiny electric shocks. "

- "Understood. "

The door closed again with a loud "clang!".

- "...take care. "

It added softly, into the heavy silence.

---

- "So, let's start it all over again. We're in 1930's America during some terrible crisis, jobs are almost impossible to find, and there's those two guys. The tall guy is stupid and inconsequent, while the small one is wise and clever "as much as humans can be. Not much", as you put it. And in the end, the big one dies. So you said. "

Dib rose his eyes away from his paper, trying to look over his shoulder.

- "Are you sure this is all the book is about? "

Zim flipped rapidly through the few pages with his foot, tongue stuck at the corner at his mouth. Sitting on the human's back, gently scratching his spine in wonder.

- "... yeah. Mostly. And a couple of minor details. "

- "Liiiiiiike? "

- "Ah, huh... yeah! The big one kills mice. "

- "Mice?! You sure? "

- "... Mmmm... sure. "

He dug in his giant bag, pulling his small hand up and stuffing his mouth with crisps, almost dragging his tiny wrist all the way down his throat. Crumbs spilling everywhere, and into Dib's neck.

- "How come? "

- "... petj jem tjoo hardj. "

The boy allowed himself a few seconds off working, trying to build a mental image of a big, dumb man smiling stupidly, holding into his palm one crushed, dead mouse. And made a face.

- "Hug. Gross. "

- "Yeshj. Human'j imagination. Grosh AND dishgushtingj. Should be ashamedj ov youshelf. "

More stuffing. Dib pouted thoughtfully.

- "... 'must confess THAT particular idea was a strange idea for sure. Hey! "

Smiling:

- "Is that the reason why you wouldn't let me lay my hands on you for a week? Were you afraid I might brake your fragile little body strcture by mistake, using the power of my herculean strength? "

- "Don't be foolish. Zim's not afraid of anything. And he's WAY bigger AND stronger -not even mentionning cleverer- than a stupid Earth-squicky thing. And Dib's muscles could be used as filling-cream for pancakes. "

- "You're not making any sense. "

- "Who cares if your tiny beaf-brain is not evolved enough to support the weight of my mighty speaking. "

The kid rolled his eyes.

- "True. As long as my dorsals are strong enough to carry the weight of your wonderful intelligence, who cares about the rest of it? Tell me, what does the guy's name sound like already? "

- "Humph. Don't even think about asking me. Humans names are so lame my brilliant mind loses no time waisting room... "

Fundle, fundle. Crakling noises of powerful jaws in action.

- "... to shtore up such ujelesh informationsj. "

Desperate sigh.

- "A simple "I don't remember" would have been enough. "

- "How dare you! Zim's memory is the most remarquable memory of... "

- "Ok, OK! I've got it. Doesn't matter. I'll ask Gaz later, if I can catch her during one of her off-game bathroom trip. Tell me, what are the two nameless guys like? "

He shot a glance at the alien on his back.

- "Please swallow that basket ball you're chewing on before answering. You look just like a hamster. Beside, the bag you keep dipping in is almost as big as you are. "

I wasn't true. The bag was bigger.

- "... if you go on like this, you won't need my help to make yourself explode. "

- "Shtoopid animal! How dare you! "

- "Careful. If you get mad, you're gonna choke. Again. I told you before, you eat too fast. But you never listen. "

- "Shut up! Or I'll leave you alone to deal with the consequences of your... "

Crackles. Mastication.

- "... of my? "

- "Lajinesh. "

Silence.

Then, dry:

- "I guess my "lajinesh" is not to be taken into account, since the book couldn't be found anywhere, and the only copy we DID manage to get was in Russian, and you wouldn't let me use the bloody translator. "

- "You'd break it. Don't think Zim is foolish enough to let you worm-baby play with high-tech equipment. "

- "Okay. Then! So they're starving... seems that they currently aren't the only ones... they're looking for work... THEM. What happens next? "

- "Jey findj shom workj in a farm. Je big onej carriej bigj thingj andj je shmal onej takj care of dirty horshej-monshterj. I shink. "

Swallowing loudly, one of his antennea perked up.

- "Ah! I remember something else. Toward the end, the big one kills another human female, because she wouldn't let him touch her dress. "

- "... touch her dress?! Are you sure? Didn't he want to do other stuff to her? "

- "Prrrt! Silly paraniod beasts. Knowing themselves so brutal and senseless as not to trust each others less than ten meters away. Well, no, he had no intention of strangling her! I told you he wanted to touch her dress and that's all! Aren't you listening to Zim?! "

The teen promptly took the pen of his lips, and lifted his other hand in a submissive fashion.

- "I am! I am! YOU read the book, and I have to give the essay tomorrow... so I'll behave and listen to you good! The strangling thing wasn't exactly what I had in mind (you're quite the naturally violent one, aren't you?), but if you're formal he wanted no more than touching fabric, I'll trust you. "

- "Yeah. The moron has an obsession with touching soft things. Terrible.

- "There's nothing wrong with soft thing. They're made to be touched anyway. "

- "Waste of time. "

The light scratches felt good, and the tiny alien weighted almost nothing on his bones. He felt ready to accept any king of oral mistreatment right now.

- "If you say so. Hey, wait a second. We're forgetting some leading point here. Wasn't there some things about racism, too? "

Zim hummed.

- "... may-bee. Yes. I think there were something mentioning some kind of inequalities between different types of human races. "

This had Dib jump a little.

- "Races don't exist. "

He asserted dryly, not daring the "stupid alien" he longed to add.

Zim said nothing, and only stared. His big, round, PINK eyes locked on him, antennae twitching slightly. Then he joined his gloved hands before his green face, fingers taping together carelessly.

'Damn. '

- "Ah, well, human races don't exist. "

- "Cats... "

- "What? "

- "Those... earth-cats that you have. The have races. Whole bunch of them. And still they are all cats. "

- "It's not the same. They are animals. "

Green frown, follwed by accusative pointing.

- "And what do you think you are? ... "

- "Human. You've been reproaching it to me from years. Remember? "

- "That is no proof. Filthy human beasts and filthy-non human beasts are the same! THE SAME! "

- "You can't say that. This is just not the same... you cannot understand. Look, I'll get an example... ah, I bet that on your home planet, Irken people all look the same. "

- "Fool! That's because we all come out of the same machinery! "

- "What?! "

The slight jump accompanying this exclamation made Zim's food go down the wrong way. Dib took his chance to give a piece of his mind, during his fighting to cough the dreadful chip out before asphyxiation.

- "Are you kiddin' me? Machinery? Machinery?! Yeah, you're right Zim, good! Great! Wonderful! THIS is going to help freedom of thought and rights! No wonder you're so open-minded and tolerant! Anyway... Well, you do come out the same machinery, and we all come out of the same gene pool! "

- "Dib-human is stubborn. "

The alien manage to growl in betwee two gasps of air.

- "Zim can talk. "

- "You cannot compare it. They might be visible differences, but it doesn't prove anything. There, for instance, you Irkens don't have all the same eye color... "

- "YOU FOOL OF HUMAN-STINK! What kind of brainless pig-smelly beast would be stupid enough to try and organize races by body colors? "

- "Ah, well... eh... "

- "There are BILLIONS of different nuances for one and only TONE! Imagine the time you'd have to take to sort every of you by color, outminding the ridiculous shortness of your lifespan! It would take FOREVER! "

- "It did. It did take forever. Guess it's not going to stop yet. No one agree on the right order to place them. And they didn't even so much as wonder if there actually WAS any "right order". "

- "Is there? "

- "No. "

- "How d'ya know that? "

- "I just do. "

- "Ow. I get it. Riiight. No one can be better than the other, when everybody sucks. "

Dib laughed.

- "If you want. Good point. If everybody jumped to your conclusion, it would have spared many, many lives, and a good deal of Humanity's Conscience. Yes, Zim, we aren't acting logical at all. But this is irrelevant. Your people didn't make any better themselves. Persons themselves aren't the point. All that matters is the pretexts. Even if we were all green like you are, sooner or later some kind of moronic leader would try and sort us by size. Or weight. Or age. Anything. Because that's the way things work. No matter who you are, where you are and when, you'll always get classified. "

- "You are so lame. Trying to annihilate yourself. Destroy yourself! Destroy all humans! You don't even need any outer space help! I bet you humans will all be dead even before YOU die, Dib-stink! "

'So you really only hear what you want to hear, don't you? '

- "Well, There's nothing I can do to help it. So why don't we just look up and try the game? "

- "YOU try your stupid human game. I want nothing to do with your chromatics problems. I, contrary to you, know why I'm doing what I do. "

- "So why do you hate us, your Highness? "

He didn't like to be called that way, but let it go nevertheless. Too bad filling the beast's head information with a large hammer without causing impending death wasn't possible.

- "I told you a thousand times already. You're despicable. It is only natural that I hate and despise you all. But you doing it among yourselves only makes you all even more despisable. "

- "Mmm'yeah. I'm afraid it's always been this way among us. Sadly, it is the way humans are. They can't help it. Telling them how useless this is doesn't do anything. Even when the hateful people die, there's other retardeds to take their place. It led to countless massacres and disasters all over History, and yet the same mistakes are made over and over. They say that the difference between Men and Animals is: If by any chance an animal happens to burn its paw into fire, it certaily won't try to ever again. A man would. It is true. Hateful people never wonder what's the purpose of doing what they do. They just do it, thinking it is their right to, never asking for anyone's opinion (that reminds me of somebody... ) but their own clans. That's the way we are. Well, not every single one of us, but some. Although we've always been trying, there's no terminal way to stop them from believing what they want! People in general are free to believe anything they want, as long as they're not causing trouble. Despite the rules humans put up -or at least tried to- , we can do almost anything we want, too. And -even more- Thoughts Control is a nightmare. We're trapped, Zim. Trapped alone on the same planet to be pointlessly cruel to each others, until everything's over for good. Hate is endless, and I'm afraid the Human Race'll never see the end of it before its own. "

'Hey. Just let me write that down with a few twists, and I guess half of my homework's done.

A loud swallowing sound was heard just behind his nape, making his guts twist a little.

- "Stupid inferior creatures. He groaned. Bothering to classify, but not to find a goal for it, nor a reason. Pitiful. Repulsive. Sad. "

'Wow, Zim. What you just said almost made sense. I'm impressed. '

A sudden burst of negativism bloomed into Dib's narrow chest, and he sighed.

- "Yeah. We are repulsive. Maybe it would be best for you to go home to your own siblings rather than staying in such a pathetic place. "

He bit his lips. What a careless thing to say. He had such a good point earlier. Zim might do it.

Thanks Anyone, the alien only played his usual self, borned in complaining and making a duty of never thinking things over. Simplicity was the

- "Don't you even use your silly muddy-goozy brain? If YOU involved some time in wondering why YOU should fight against yourself, YOU shall never find a minute to actually fight! That would make invasion even easier than it'll be later. Swelling human's brains smothering human's head. T'must be the reason so many of you never feeds it. "

He allowed himself a few seconds to think over he just said, grinning evily.

- "Yesssss... feeding human knowledge... their brain might grow bigger and bigger and blow their head. Yes, yes... making humans intelligent would kill them... "

- "ZIM! Couldn't you PLEASE make plans for Total Human Anihilation when I'm NOT here?! "

- "I was not! "

- "Yes you WERE! Now drag your short-timed Irken attention back to MY essay! Massive Destruction is not for the next day. THIS is. "

- "You stink. "

- "And you're short. "

- "YOU SUCK!!! ALL HUMANS! ALL HUMANITY! ALL OF YOU, FOR EVER!!!! "

Dib smirked.

- "Yep. You're the worst racist ever. You just don't hate a particular type of people, you hate every single beings on this very planet, including animals, plants AND things! But I guess you're right, it sums us all up pretty good. As they said a long, long time ago: "No one wins, it's a war of Men". Tell me, " he went again, smiling quietly, "how does the big one dies? "

- "The small one shoots him. "

There was something in the alien's words, some sort of instinctive sadism coupled with non-spoken threat, that lead to an unvolontary jerk from the boy, almost making Zim let go of his treats.

- "No joke! I thought they were friends! Why? "

- "Because he's a millstone around his neck. "

Silence. Questionable, embigious silence. The light scratches didn't stop.

- "I see... Dib whispered at last. Is he... I mean, he's... is he glad to do it? Or is there no other solutions available? "

Faint humming. Bravely twisting his neck, the kid could see him at last, pink eyes narrowed in wonder, rubing his pointy chin.

- "I don't know, he admitted half-heartedly, he doesn't say anything about being glad or not. He just goes to the city with another stink-beast to have fun. "

- "What about the big one? Doesn't he try to fight, or anything? "

- "Ah, eeeh... he... no. His last moments are spent hallucinating about giant rabbit-monsters and zombie old human female. They shout at him, the then small one comes, he tells some filthy lies about bright future, then shoot him in the back of the neck. "

More silence. Without noticing, the teen burried his face into his crossed arms.

- "Did you enjoy this story? "

He felt the weight on his back shift. Zim had gone from sitting to lying, still holding the bag to him like some kind of holly offering.

- "It... " He began, unsure of what to say, "was... not totally unintersting. "

Without any reason, he began pulling at Dib's ears like some horse's mane.

- "Write that down:" he hastily added, ignoring his pained protests, " "What the book did was picturing a great show of general human-beast egoism, uncaringness, badness and total lack of solidarity. " "

- "Ah! YOU can talk about solidarity! How come your brother Irken still hadn't find any time to come and help you doing your job? "

'GOOD QUESTION, DIB. They left you all alone, with only one demented baby-robot, to deal with an entire planet... just as if... they didn't care at all about you or Earth. '

He managed to smack the back of Zim's head with his foot, freeing his ears at last. But the tiny alien only pinched his hip.

- "Zim's got no brothers. Stupid pig-beast cannot understand. Zim's superiors are well-awared that ZIM is amazing and trust-worthy enough to make it on his own. Yes, it is true that we, Irkens, do not ALL THE TIME stand for each others. But at least, Dib-stink, we don't pretend we do. Like you. Like you do. Like YOU."

- "Okay, I got it the first time. I'm sorry to have to say this, Zim, but you don't know anything. Humans are fragile. They need to believe they can count on each others. They need to feel safe together. Rassured. Helped. Sometimes they need it so much they actually do. Now let go of my rear. You're pinching real strong and your fingers are very pointy. "

This only got him a harder pinch.

- "Don't you "Let go of my rear" ZIM! What if I wont?! "

- "Well... "

Dib unexpectidly got up on his elbows, knocking the alien- and his crisps- off. Catching him before he hit the ground, he quickly seated down and lied the Irken on his legs.

- "Don't eat too much, Zim. "

Looking down at the tiny alien laid on his back, clutching the bag to him, he sneaking a hand past Zim's absence of nose, and snatched the crisps away.

Once done, he dug into it with one hand, pocking playfully at the flat alien belly with the other.

- "Because if you get fat, I might eat you. "

---

Marlene: Almost done! Thank you for waiting!

References

- John Lennon's "Working class Hero"

- The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy (Douglas Addams's and Peter Jones's names be worshiped for all eternity)

- Kino No Tabi "The beautiful World"

- Grimm's "The Little Red Hood" (...)

- Beatles's "Live and let die", "Hey Jude"

- A Perfect Circle "What's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?"

- Monty python "lemon curry?" and "The meaning of Life"

- Star Wars' s Alderaan. (Peaceful, innocent alderaan which got pointlessly blown up because some stupid princess wouldn't believe in his captor's Evil Evilness. )

- Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni Kai's opening "Naraku No Hana" (Flower of despair)

- "Of Mice And Men" by John Steinbeck

- Eels "I need some sleep"

- P.K. Dick novel's quotes from "The Man In The High Castle"

- Gosths Busters's amazingly memorable theme song

- Terminator II: "judgment's day" 's Baddy-bad "Skynet"

- Daft Punk's "Harder-better-faster-stronger"

- Over the Hedge's soundtrack "Still"

- Isaac Asimov's "Robot Dreams"

- Kate Bush's "Experiment IV" , "Dream of Sheep" and "Waking the Witch"

- Pink Floyd's "Goodbye Blue Sky"

- 3 Doors Down's "Superman Kryptonite"

- Neil Young's "War of Men"