Career Day

"I fail to see the purpose of this exercise."

"It's tradition, Teal'c."

"It would seem to be more traditional for these children to avail themselves of their parents' knowledge in the home." Teal'c's dark eyes surveyed the assembled throng in front of them. "Rather than inflicting it upon their companions in this manner."

"It's just an opportunity for the kids to see different occupations and see if they would be interested in them."

"Can they not explore these vocations on the internet?" Teal'c crossed his arms in front of his massive chest. "It seems that youth of the Tau'ri spend an inordinate amount of time engaged in its exploration."

"It's not the same as having someone explain the job." Carter leaned slightly in front of the Colonel to whisper at the Jaffa. "And Cassie was required to ask someone to come present something. It's part of her social studies grade."

"Doctor Fraiser would have been the logical choice." Teal'c, obviously, felt no compunction to whisper. His deep voice carried far enough for several kids on the back row of seats to turn and regard him with thinly-veiled interest.

"Doc Fraiser's on P5F-Something with SG-15, so Cassie asked me to come to this year's presentation with her. Not a big deal, Teal'c." The Colonel shrugged, adjusting his stance at the back wall of the room.

His suit itched, and he stifled the urge to strip off his jacket, since the combination of the late afternoon and the multitudinous hormonally-charged bodies shoved together like so many sardines had turned the auditorium into a sweat-lodge. He settled for jiggling a little at the wall, surreptitiously scratching his back on the rough bricks of the building.

"Is there not some other function you might be performing?" The Jaffa tilted his head towards the Colonel. "Your expertise and experience do seem ill-spent in this venue."

"I don't mind. You know me. I like kids. And they like me back."

"Perhaps because you maintain a similar frame of reference."

The Colonel's eyes narrowed. "What are you saying, Teal'c?"

"I have articulated exactly that which I intended, O'Neill."

"That I'm a child?"

"I do not believe those were my exact words."

"Murray."

Teal'c's dark lids fluttered halfway shut, his chin set in a staunch manner that suggested he'd long since reached the end of his patience. "Then why must we be present, as well? Could you not have attended on your own?"

"Oh. Really not a good idea, Teal'c." Her voice a rough whisper, Carter's answer seemed completely impulsive, a fact brought home by her subsequent act of bringing her fingertips to her lips.

Jack turned his head to his left and glared at where Carter stood. She'd dressed up, too, but, as usual, she didn't look the least affected by either the heat or the hormones. Her features had been carefully schooled into a semblance of modified polite interest. It was his least favorite of her expressions—although ironically, also one of those that he saw the most frequently. Normally, for some reason, she cranked that one out when he was speaking. That she'd already put it on told him that she wasn't really expecting much out of his portion of the program.

His mouth thinned. "Go ahead, Major, why don't you tell him why you all have to be here?"

Carter's eyes flew wide as she turned to look at him. "Sir?"

"Teal'c wants to know why he has to be here. You usually know everything. You tell him."

Carter puckered her mouth, blowing up her cheeks slightly as she struggled for, and then found, her answer. "Um—let's just say General Hammond thought it might be a good idea if we came along."

The Jaffa leaned forward and cocked his head in question. "To moderate O'Neill's behavior?"

O'Neill watched her eyes shift to him before returning to meet Teal'c's. "I didn't say that, Teal'c."

"Only because you're too benevolent." This from Daniel, standing to Sam's left. Eyes wide, he leaned back against the wall at the back of the room, arms folded sullenly across his chest. "We're baby-sitting, and you know it."

Sam straightened, throwing Daniel a warning glare. "Shh. We're supposed to be listening."

"To what?" Daniel's body expanded as he drew in a huge amount of air, then blew it out in a manner reminiscent of Mr. Ed. Turning to Sam, he cocked his head towards the speaker. "She's a dental hygienist."

"It's a valuable vocation."

"She flosses crap out of other people's teeth." Daniel couldn't quite quell the shudder that ran through him. "Why anyone would voluntarily choose to do that is beyond me."

"You go to the dentist twice a year." Sam's voice had turned chiding. "I know you do."

"Yes—I go to the dentist—an actual doctor. I don't see the hygienist. They're just filler until the doctor can see you. Hygienists are glorified tooth-picks."

"They clean the patient's teeth so that it's easier to see cavities. And it gives the doctor more time for actual consultation with his patients, if he doesn't have to do the simple cleanings."

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Yeah—like I said. Filler."

"Dentists clean teeth, too."

"Like I said, dentists are doctors."

"Then they're tooth-picks, too."

"No, they're doctors. They clean teeth medically."

"I can't believe you." Carter frowned at him, then shook her head with yet another sigh and faced up front again. "I never knew you were such a snob."

Jack leaned close. "I keep telling you."

But the Major only cast him a look that reminded him eerily of his Aunt Doris. Only without the sweet-yet slighty-off-old ladyishness. Even Black Ops training hadn't prepared him for that particular expression seething from Carter. It was like a glimpse into the future—a future where everything was ugly, and cold.

He shuddered—completely involuntarily. But at least the cold chill that had run up his spine had given him some relief from the Junior High auditorium heat.

The hygienist picked up a giant toothbrush and began to demonstrate proper brushing procedure on a set of oversized, cartoonish teeth. A quick glance at the seventh graders in the room revealed that they held Mrs. (Jack leaned over to peer at the handout in Carter's hand) Lambert in about as much esteem as did Daniel.

But then, the woman's scrubs were fully covered with images of the some large gelatinous-looking creatures of varying colors. He'd spent the entire first half of her talk trying to figure out exactly what they were. Luckily, he knew someone who always had the answers.

"Hey, Carter."

"Yes, Sir?"

"What are those things on her outfit?"

"The buttons?" She turned to peer at him.

"No—the other things. The things printed on the material."

"Oh—the characters." Carter squinted slightly at Mrs. Lambert, then turned her face back towards him. "They're the Teletubbies."

"What do you know about the Teletubbies?"

"What are the Teletubbies?"

He and Daniel had spoken at exactly the same time, and Sam answered with a frown. "Come on, you guys—we're supposed to be listening and setting a good example."

As if to prove her point, a teacher turned towards them with a disapproving stare.

Daniel and Carter obediently clammed up and settled back against the wall. Perhaps that was why both of them had multiple degrees. They actually cared what women like that thought.

O'Neill watched the teacher out of the corner of his eyes until she moved away, glaring at the backs of the kids in front of him. It wasn't his fault. He had all kinds of interesting things to say if the Tooth Fairy would just shut up.

Again looking sideways at the handout in Carter's hand, the Colonel scanned downward. He was up next. They'd gotten there a bit late, slinking in to the back of the assembly room as the first speaker, a computer programmer, had been wrapping up his presentation. Next up had been a hairdresser and then a mechanic, a pastor, and some guy who sold vitamins on the internet.

The hygienist, the penultimate speaker of the day, had gone on for nearly twice as long as the rest of the speakers, and the entire muddle of humanity attending the event had long since ceased to listen and were well on their way to becoming completely catatonic.

In fact, as soon as Mrs. Lambert had stood up, the girl sitting directly to Cassie's right had immediately buried her face in her arms, nested on the back of the chair in front of her. Jack would have bet his right shoe that not only was the kid's last name Lambert, but that not even the hygienist's own progeny could possibly have had any desire whatsoever to listen to Tooth Pick and her Brush of Wonder.

Which she was wielding ferociously now on a large foam tongue.

A tongue which was exactly the same color as one of the critters on her pediatric dental office garb. Which was covered with the multicolored blob-like things. He remembered where he'd heard the name now—he'd heard a news thing about them several years before. Back when he watched the news.

Again, he leaned in to Carter. "Which one's gay?"

She turned to him, her mouth gaping open. "Sir?"

"The Telefluffies. Which is the gay one?"

"Teletubbies." The side of Carter's mouth jerked once upwards. "And I don't remember."

Daniel leaned over. "One of them was gay?"

"Yeah." O'Neill squinted again at the tongue brushing dental assistant. "I think it was the purple one."

"I thought you didn't know who they were." Daniel's brows drew low over his eyes.

"I don't. Didn't." But even O'Neill knew how disingenuous that seemed. Still, he persisted. "I don't."

"Then how did you know that one of them is supposed to be gay?" This from Carter, who had apparently forgotten about being a good example, although her voice still was nearly a whisper.

"It was on the news. Don't you remember? It was a big deal. All kinds of religious groups were boycotting them because one of them—Blinky Dinky—or Ho—or something—was gay."

"Tinky Winky, sir. The purple one was Tinky Winky." The Major looked a little embarrassed to know this. But nevertheless, she gamely continued. "And the red one was Po. Not Ho. There was also a green one named Dipsy, and a yellow one, but I don't remember his name."

"His?" The Colonel smirked. "They had genders? How could you tell?"

She shook her head, eyes wide. "I really have no idea, sir."

But O'Neill had glommed onto that idea with ferocity. "So which ones were boys and which ones were girls? Eventually, they'd have to reproduce, wouldn't they? I mean, if they didn't want to go extinct."

"I have not a clue." Carter grinned. "And I'm not sure I'd even want to know how that particular undertaking could be accomplished."

"Perhaps they reproduced asexually." Daniel posited his theory with a weirdly serious expression.

Sam answered him just as earnestly. "But then it wouldn't matter that one was gay, right?"

For a long moment, the Colonel stood still, his gaze fixed on a random point in space. "The Purple one was Tinky Winky. Green was Dispy. Red was Po. Yellow was—" His voice trailed off weakly.

Teal'c's expression implacable, he turned towards the Colonel. "What kind of parent would name his offspring Tinky Winky? It is indeed an unsuitable appellation for a warrior."

"Oh, they weren't warriors, Teal'c."

"Then what purpose did these creatures serve?"

All seriousness, the Colonel shook his head. "No one knows."

Daniel scratched at his temple, deep in thought. "Wasn't there one named Laa-Laa?"

"Which one? The yellow one?" O'Neill craned his head around his Major to look at the archaeologist. "Baa-Baa? That sounds like a sheep."

"Laa-Laa." Daniel over-pronounced the word, ending up looking like he was singing a popular Christmas carol. "Not Baa-Baa."

"So Laa-Laa was the gay one?"

"No, I'm fairly certain it was Tinky Winky that was gay." Carter turned to Daniel. "It was because of his triangular antenna."

"What does the shape of his antenna have to do with his sexual orientation?" If possible, Daniel's brows had pushed themselves closer together, and now formed one single entity.

"Apparently it's a symbol." Sam flicked a look back towards the teacher, who had turned her attention to two kids doing something she obviously didn't think they should have been doing.

Daniel actually turned his entire body towards the Major. "Of what?"

Teal'c stood up straight and turned his head just enough for them to see the gleam of his tattoo. "It is triangular. Therefore, it is not straight."

For a moment, however brief, all four of them stood unmoving and quiet.

"You know," Daniel gave a one-shouldered shrug. "That actually kind of makes sense."

"SHhhhh." O'Neill jumped at the sharp noise, turning to see that the teacher was back, this time positively glowering at them all. She stood near the back of the auditorium, even with the back row of chairs. As if she hadn't already made her point, she did it again, this time with a pointy little finger shoved up next to her overly tight lips. "SHhhhh."

She looked uptight. O'Neill tried to look obeisant, but gave up when the woman narrowed her eyes so much at him that they disappeared all together. Fitting his chin to his chest, he watched her until she turned and headed back down the aisle.

"Wow." He aimed his comment at the Major. "She needs a little Laa-Laa in her life."

And the Colonel was reminded why Carter was his favorite member of the team when she snorted.

"I think she's finally done." Daniel pushed away from the wall and took a step closer to the stage. "At least, she's put the mega-brush away."

And sure enough, a glance down at the front of the room confirmed that the hygienist had stowed her gear and was cheerfully thanking her audience.

As Mrs. Lambert left the podium, the uptight teacher strode onto the stage and raised both hands as the din in the auditorium rose.

"Children!" She waited, and then when it appeared her plea would be completely ignored by the crowd, she tried again—only this time with the finesse of a fishwife. "People!"

The screeching accomplished its purpose, and the students began to settle down again. Once the noise had reached an apparently acceptable decibel level, the teacher pasted on a plastic smile. "Okay. That's better. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Our last speaker of the day comes to us from the Air Force. Colonel O'Neill is an officer. And he's stationed right here in Colorado Springs."

A rise in the noise level accompanied a mass shift of heads as most of the students turned to peer behind them at the contingent against the back wall. O'Neill stood up straight and spread his fingers in a casual wave. Some of the students waved back, including Cassie, who seemed to be giggling. As usual.

"Yes. Well. He's here to talk a little about the benefits of military service, so why don't you all give him a big Cougar welcome?"

Apparently, the cougars these kids had been exposed to had all long since died. As the Colonel made his way down the aisle toward the stage to a smattering of half-hearted applause, he watched as most of the seventh graders sank back down into their seats with all the enthusiasm of inmates returning to their cells after their minutes in the yard.

He reached the floor of the hall and ascended the stairs to the podium, where he shook the hand of the teacher in charge and then crossed to the center of the stage. Looking out into the mass of kids, he found Cassie again, and indicated her with a nod of his head before taking a deep breath and reaching into his pocket for his note cards.

He'd actually written out what he'd wanted to say—at the behest of the General, who had expressed concern that he might run off topic from time to time during his speech. Holding up the first one, he cracked his lips, drew in a breath, and began.

"Good afternoon."

A burst of deafening clanging suddenly rang through the hall, accompanied by a mass upheaval unlike anything O'Neill had ever seen outside the battle field. Backpacks whipped everywhere—arms and legs moving, bodies hurtling through cramped aisles towards the doors being yanked open on either side of the auditorium. Within seconds, the tumult had ended, leaving the Colonel standing on the stage, cards raised, mouth open. His audience gone.

He turned towards the teacher, who had bent down to gather up her things.

"What the hell happened?" Even to him, his tone sounded whiny.

The teacher looked up from the voluminous bag she was packing. "The bell rang."

"But—what about my presentation?" A glance towards the back of the hall told him that his team had started down the aisle towards him, their expressions bemused, and, in Teal'c's case, just the barest bit satisfied.

"I'm sorry, Colonel." The teacher stood, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "The class period is over. Don't worry, though. Cassie will be able to count your appearance towards her grade."

And with that, she whirled and strode off the stage, up the carpeted aisle, and out into the corridor.

"Well, Jack." Daniel reached him first, stopping near the steps to the stage and thrusting his hands down into his pockets. "That was anticlimactic."

O'Neill glared at him, then turned at cast the evil eye at the door through which the teacher had departed, then turned back to Daniel. "I didn't get to give my spiel."

"I'm sorry, sir." Carter stopped next to Daniel, a sad smile gracing her lips. "I know you were actually looking forward to this."

"The bell rang." The Colonel turned, scanned for, and then pointed at the offending instrument. "The stinking bell rang."

"It appears that we are now free to leave this place." Teal'c arrived to stand next to Carter, his hands caught up together at the small of his back. "I feel certain that we can find many ways to productively occupy our time."

"You don't understand, Teal'c." O'Neill held up the stack in his hand. "I wrote notecards."

"Sir. Come on. Let's go." She walked along the front of the stage to the other set of stairs, then paused and waited for him to start towards her. "We'll stop and get some lunch."

"We've got the rest of the day off, Jack. We could go see a movie." Daniel fell in step behind him, and beside Teal'c.

"What would you like to see, Daniel Jackson?"

"I don't know, Teal'c. Whatever."

"We could go back to the Colonel's place. Order a pizza. Watch some TV." Carter turned to look at Daniel. "I wouldn't mind just hanging out."

"That proposal does, in actuality, sound amenable."

"Just as long as we don't watch The Simpsons." Daniel spoke while walking through the door, coming face to face with the Colonel on the other side. At the pained expression on O'Neill's face, he clarified. "I mean, because I'm not in the mood for such intelligent humor."

It was completely apparent the Colonel wasn't buying. His retort dripped in sarcasm. "If you want the inane, I suppose we could watch the Teletubbies."

"We could figure out which one is the yellow one." Carter smiled broadly, "And discuss if the Noo-Noo is one of the Teletubbies or merely a mechanical creation endowed with Teletubbistic traits and communicative abilities."

They walked down the deserted corridor, their footsteps loud on the cheap tile. As they neared the front door to the school, Teal'c paused, his countenance questioning.

The Colonel stopped at his side. "What, Teal'c?"

His First Prime tattoo gleaming in the light allowed in through the side windows, the big Jaffa frowned. He breathed in heavily, his brows low over his dark, narrowed eyes. "What is a Noo-Noo?"