Hello! Sorry about the wait, I went on vacation to New York last week! It was AWESOME!
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee/Fox/Ryan Murphy Productions/BUT I DO OWN AN AWESOME 'CAN'T DANCE' T-SHIRT THAT I SAW THERE! So proud of it!
04) A Plan Of Secrets
Rachel sat by her boyfriend on the bathtub's edge, trying not to cry as she rubbed Finn's neck soothingly as he vomited out the alcohol. He was still shirtless and every time she moved her gaze away from his face, they would immediately return to the scars that grooved his back. Ten lines that if she spaced her hands out right would match perfectly to her fingers. Guilt, terrible guilt, ripped through her, forcing the tears again to come. She felt as if she was never going to stop crying, that her face would be forever stained with salt.
She was silent as Finn finished, one hand over her mouth to prevent the smell from bothering her while the other continued to make circles on Finn's exposed neck. A part of her was angry at him, how dare he drink when he knew how she felt about it. A memory of kissing Blaine sprang up, the embarrassment and disappointment coming with it. Then - another bad memory came - she got puked on by Brittany, which was something that made her complete cold turkey.
Until it happened, but she didn't want to think about those times, not when her boyfriend needed her and she needed him the most.
The other part of her felt terrible guilt, so potent that it would have made her cry if she wasn't already doing that. Finn rarely drank, never got drunk, and this was probably the most she had ever seen him intoxicated before. Done so because of the pain she caused him because of a secret, something that she should have told him but was too scared to do. She still remembered the hollow and agonizing look he gave her when she first told him about Puck and Quinn, the same expression she had given him whenever she thought of her own funeral and with Finn crying at her casket, but so much worse than she could have believed.
It was destruction, complete and utter destruction. His whole world had crumbled that day, he lost his girlfriend, he lost his best friend, he lost the trust he had in people which was slow to come back, he lost it all. But worst of all, in Rachel's opinion, was that he lost something he could finally be proud of, he lost a child that he could call his own.
And was he going to face that again if the child may be Jesse's? Rachel trembled, swearing to herself in that moment that she would never tell Finn the truth, she couldn't make him go through that again; but she wasn't sure if she would be able to lie to Finn so easily, not when he was giving her those damn brown eyes that she felt she could lose herself in.
Finn, panting hard and face pale, finally lifted away from the toilet and flushed the bile down the toilet, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand as he did. He looked so hopeless, kneeling in front of the toilet shirtless and reeking like alcohol, her heart gave a pang for him. She wanted to bring him close and cry for him, lament over the innocence that they lost, but she was scared. She hated the feeling, but she was terrified of what Finn was going to do, how he would react.
He was silent for a long moment, eventually closing his blank eyes as he his face changed from a grimace to cold, emotionless stone. "How long have you known?" His voice was passionless, revealing nothing of his emotions.
"A little over a week, I guess," Rachel returned, her voice shaky with tears. "Felt like so much longer."
"And when were you planning to tell me?" Finn asked, still not looking at her and his plain voice eery in the quiet bathroom. Rachel wished he would be angry or sad, yelling at her with every emotion he was feeling until he grew hoarse, than this nonchalance. It hurt so much worse and she would have preferred him doing anything than this.
"I-I don't know, I was waiting for the right time," Rachel stroked a hair and Finn, annoyed, fidgeted away from her hand. She dropped it with a pang, shaking in fear at his reaction. "I was scared."
"Scared of what?"
"Of how you would react," Rachel answered, thinking against lying as she was doing enough of that already. "I was terrified that you would do the same as you did after you found out about Quinn and Puck, that you would run away like you did then." Her voice broke again and she dropped her gaze as Finn turned toward her, ashamed of herself. "I was scared, Finn, terrified that you would leave me. I feel like I'm losing so much already and losing you would have ended it for me, I can't-"
She couldn't finish, emotion clogging her throat and she buried her head in her hands, sobbing forcefully that made her whole body shake. All she could hear was the sound of her own crying in the bathroom, figuring that Finn had left in his disgust. Rachel couldn't blame him, she would have left too.
A sudden pressure on her arm made her look up, surprised to see Finn still where he was. His eyes were burning with emotion, a deep pain shining in the cinnamon depths. There was an almost sad expression upon his face. "I said I would always love you that one night on the road, and nothing is going to change that. Rach, I love you and I'll never be able to leave you, not because of this, not because of anything." His eyes meet hers, holding her gaze tight. "Do you understand me? And I never want you to think that I would ever leave you, you can tell me anything without fear."
"I'm so sorry, Finn," Rachel begged, placing a hand over his larger one and squeezing tightly. "I should've told you sooner, I was so stupid."
"You're not stupid, Rach, you're the smartest person I know," Finn said, moving his other arm so it was around her neck and pulling her onto his lap. She cradled into his arms, her cheek against his warm chest while he ran a hand up and down her arm. His presence surrounded her, his musky scent overpowering the smell of vomit in the air. She breathed it in, calming her mind and stomach.
They sat like that for awhile, both enjoying the fact that they weren't alone in their problems. They would always have each other, Rachel realized as she traced the veins in Finn's arm with her eyes, and she was so freaking stupid to have not told him earlier.
And what of the things you haven't told him, that it may not be his child?
Rachel froze, her body going numb and her surroundings dropping away from below her. The thought was horrible and drove a stake into her heart, but worse was the voice that said it; a voice that she hadn't heard in months. A voice that brought back black memories upon her, reminding her of the things that she had done wrongly.
It was Her. The Girl in the Mirror.
Rachel pressed tighter to Finn, hoping that he would protect her from Her. His arms, after feeling the gesture, came around her and brought her closer to him, her face now in the crook of his neck. She delved her face there, blocking out the Girl as much as she could by listening to the unsteady breaths above and the steady and strong heartbeat below.
"It's okay, Rachel," Finn said, probably thinking her need for closeness was driven by fear of their future. "We'll be okay, don't worry."
"How do you know that, how are you always so positive about us?" Her voice shook with the unsaid question, How can you be so sure of this when you ran and drank the moment we had a fight?
"Because, babe, as you said it was us," Finn returned, she could feel his face turn with a smile. "We've been through so much and did so many great things despite all the bad, I mean, look what we did at Miss Sylvester sister's funeral and, just now, at the engagement? We both helped with those things, and we broke up twice before and always came back together; we're supposed to be together, Rach, and to do great things."
"But this isn't some kind of high school drama, this is real, Finn!" Rachel said, shaking her head into his neck, too emotionally drained to raise her head. "I'm pregnant-"
"And, isn't that kinda exciting?" Rachel had to look up at that, his blank expression dissolving to give her a dog-like grin. "You're pregnant, Rach, with our baby. The child that is made out of our love, our feelings for each other, he or she is going to be perfect. I can't think of anyone else I would rather have a kid with than you, Rachel Berry. Yes, it's real, but why must it be a bad thing, why should our child be a thing of disappointment?"
Rachel's eyes flashed across his face, trying to figure if his words were coming from his heart or the bottom of a beer can. By the rapt gaze he was staring at her and with his infamous crooked grin, she could tell it was more than drunken slur. A smile tugged at her face unconsciously, her heart fluttering with unbelieving hope. "So...you're happy about it?"
Finn's face brightened, his eyes blazing with his love. "I love you and any child born from you I will do the same, because I know either he or she will be just as perfect."
"Finn," Rachel couldn't help more tears from coming as she felt such happiness explode inside of her. Finn wasn't angry at her, he wasn't going to leave. Her worry fell away and it felt like a curtain was thrown back to reveal the sun. In a burst of emotion, she flung herself around his neck and cried, "I love you so much, I love you!"
She moved her mouth towards his, rethought it, and gave him a kiss upon his higher jaw, the thin layer of scruffy stubble tickling her lips. There was no doubt that her eyes were beaming as she placed her hands upon his chest, running them over the broad surface. "I'll never understand how you can make me feel so much better even in the darkest times."
"We are two parts of a whole, Rach," returned Finn, a smile tugging at his jaw. "We're connected by something big, by love. And now, we're connected in one more way. Our baby." The last two words rang off his tongue, tasting them with pride and Rachel couldn't help but to feel her heart soar again. "Do you know if it's a boy or girl?"
"No, I'm going in on Saturday...would you like to come?" Rachel asked hesitatingly, a small part of her still feeling doubt; a doubt of herself or for Finn, she couldn't decide.
"Of course," Finn smiled, poking her in mock offense. "I'll be there completely for you, Rach. You have nothing to worry about...just, what are you going to do about him or her?"
Rachel turned her gaze away from his cinnamon eyes, knowing fully which choice he would pick. She hadn't really given it much though, hopelessly pushing it to the back of her mind so she could forget about it. There was a part in her that wanted to keep the baby, to never allow them to feel that ugly question she always wondered about her own mother: why did she give me up? She couldn't bear the thought of her child asking that question, to allow them to feel that unwanted feeling.
But what of her dreams to become a star? How was she supposed to become a star if she had to deal with an infant? She knew Finn would beg to help her, but she also knew that he would never be able to handle it by himself. And where would they stay? How would they be able to afford everything?
Rachel hated being torn between her dreams and her feelings, blasted tears coming to her eyes again. She felt Finn pull her against his body again as she found herself muttering, "I don't know, I don't know."
"Shuu," Finn rubbed her back comfortingly, mimicking the gesture that she was making towards him only a few moments ago. "It's okay, it's a decision that can be made later. You know I love you, right?"
Rachel couldn't help but to grin against his skin, finding herself amused that he could turn everything into something so simple. "Yeah, do you know you reek of alcohol and vomit?"
Finn tensed for a moment and she lifted her head away from him, meeting his guilty look. "I messed up, didn't I?"
"Not as much as I did without telling you," Rachel returned, placing a hand upon his cheek and rubbing her fingers softly over the skin. "Just don't do it again, you scared me there for a moment, Finn. And I don't know if I can deal with anything else."
"It's okay, babe, just a one time thing," Finn said, something almost like doubt flashing behind his eyes but Rachel didn't notice as she rose and riffled through a small cabinet. "What are you looking for?"
"Clean towels, you can't go home smelling like the back of Noah's truck; it smells like beer," Rachel said, giving him a smile which he returned. She tossed him a clad of towels, and prepared to leave the bathroom. "You can shower in here, I'll try to see if anything of my dads could fit you...maybe some over-large sweater they never wore."
"Hey!" Finn gave her an offended look and stood up, staring down at her with a mock frown. "Is that a fat joke?"
"Am I Santana?" Rachel teased back, arching an eyebrow at him. He snapped and grinned, shaking his head. "Good, and I like your body." She went up to him and kissed him on the cheek, standing on her toes to do it, hands running across his bare chest with their night together flashing by in her mind. It was a bright and solid beacon in a sea of black that seemed to be her life now, and she couldn't help but to smile brightly. "Now, go take a shower before my dads come home."
"Okay," Finn muttered, and she turned to leave the bathroom but his hand came out and grabbed her shoulder. She looked over her shoulder confused and was surprised at the intensity of the look he was giving her. His face was completely serious and for a moment he appeared to be completely lucid. "Rachel, I don't want us to fight again, I hate it. I don't care how bad the thing is or what you did, I just want you to tell me. I can't face having another person I love keep things from me."
Rachel felt a pang of sorrow for Finn, knowing full well how hard it was for Finn to deal with the secrets his mom kept from him. They had only slowly been able to return to the way they were, their love for each other overcoming the difficulty. The same thing that Rachel hoped would happen if she ever told him the truth.
In the moment, when Finn was looking at her with such trust and openness in his cinnamon eyes, she wanted to go against her promise she made to herself and tell him of her doubts. However, remembering as well of how happy and excited he seemed for the baby, she couldn't. Finn, although he never wanted to show it, was as close to an emotional brink as she was; the drinking episode proving that. Rachel would have laughed at the hopelessness of it all if she wasn't so absorbed in keeping a smile upon her face.
"Me neither, Finn. No more secrets after today," Rachel said, placing emphasis on the last two words but Finn didn't notice as he only grinned widely. How easily he accepted her word broke her heart and made her want to tell him everything, but she only said, "Now, shower."
"Yes, ma'am." Finn said, and she closed the door behind her as she left the barroom. She kept her hand upon the knob while she heard him remove his clothes, turn on the water, and enter the shower; the shower doors clanging slightly together as he shut them.
Rachel felt her smile slip off as she felt against the door of the bathroom and slid to the floor. Grasping her hair tightly, she buried her head into her knees and cried. Each sob came with a painful jab into her soul, twisting cruelly and making her throat constrict tightly. Her whole body shook with the realization that she was lying to Finn, deliberately lying to the boy that she never thought she would ever lie to. She hated it, despised herself, but she knew that it had to be done.
Finn could not know, never! She wiped at her eyes, trying to hide the tears as she got up and walked to her dads' bedroom to find something for Finn to wear. In her head, the plan seemed so simple: don't tell Finn and hope to everything and everyone that he will never put one and one together, to keep it all secret by using his affection towards her to believe the lies she was spewing.
It had to be done, yet, Rachel looked into a mirror on the wall and saw a empty-eyed girl staring back at her, why did she feel like she was twirling away down a dark abyss, threatening to consume her whole.
Sorry, not my best chapter but I could never seem to make it work...I'll do better for next chapter, promise! Hope you review, please, and I really hope you enjoyed!