As the door quietly shut behind her, Cassidy crept out and decided she would go and stare at the stars tonight. It had been two weeks since she had joined Levi's squad, and she had to admit it was rough, there was a lot of arduous work that had to be done. Yet she couldn't help but feeling a beating of joy shoot through her being when she thought about Levi quietly murmuring those words. "Welcome to my squad Cassidy," he paused, "and goodnight." As she crept walked through the corridors her small mouth stretched open in a quiet yawn, 'hopefully the stars are out,' she whispered almost inaudibly to herself.
She swung the double doors leading outside open, and a cool breeze tickled at her exposed skin. Her teeth chattered lightly for a moment, and she pulled her long socks farther up her thighs, and hugged her sweater tighter to her. The fuzzy shorts she had ever since she joined training now clung to her tightly, and were now worn down to a little less fuzzy pair of shorts, but they still held in the heat as they always had. While the air was cool, it was adaptable, much like the screams heard on a battle field or the feeling of being alone, aside from the fact that this was a much more calming adaption. She slid down the door and tilted her head up to the passing clouds, small sparkles of light dotted the sky, and caused heat to spring through her body, and all she could think of was Marco. The way Jean had talked about him from the place she was seated. She wondered if heaven really did exist, and even though she didn't believe in it herself, she hoped that she was wrong, and Jean was walking around with Marco right now, smiling, probably apologizing, maybe even looking down at the headquarters.
She smiled at the thought of them tumbling over one another as they ran in for a hug clumsily. Maybe they were clad in white with little wings popping out of their backs, and shiny little halos twinkling above their heads, maybe the stereotypes for a heaven were right, maybe they were sitting on a little cloud kicking their legs back and forth as they dangled; and maybe, just maybe, they were actually happy. She let herself allow the thought into her mind for her own sake, and for the sake of Jean, and for Marco- perfect, sweet, smiling, freckled Marco, according to him. She moved her eyes, scanning the sky thoughtfully, tears welled up in her large eyes, and one slipped down her cheek, all the while still having a slight smile on her face.
Cassidy began hiccuping with sobs caught in her throat, as she still smiled, her thoughts still swam around the thoughts of heaven, and she let out all these tears of relief, pretending that this belief was definite because she wanted it to be. She wanted Jean and Marco to be happy and crying the same tears as her as they locked eyes with each other. She began to compose herself and decided to stand up and maybe walk around a little bit. She hummed a little song, lyrics swarming her mind, 'and all I can think of is the memories no one will remember, like the way your cheeks burned red despite the cold in December,' and it flipped to another song, 'and I saw you smile the way you always did for me and it sent a rush through my being just like the first time you said you loved me more than the world, but maybe you stopped loving the world.'
As she hummed lightly to herself she heard the sound of something closing and she clumsily fell, startled at the sudden noise breaking the silent-except for her humming-air around her. "Uh- uhm," she mumbled out not being able to see anything because of the dark and her lack of glasses. "Armin? Ha-Hanji?" she spoke while scrambling around on the ground attempting to lift herself to her feet.
"Now tell me-" a voice spoke, yet she still couldn't see anything, even the faintest outline of them, "why are you out after curfew?" Cassidy tried to stutter out something to them, but she had no idea who they were, causing fear to shoot through her body, what if it's commander Erwin? He'll kick me out for sure if he knows I'm out passed the curfew! She frantically tried to gather her thoughts because no response doesn't look good on her part, nor does scrambling on the ground like a ditz. What looks like a shadow standing upright due to the lighting begins walking even closer to her and she recognizes them clearly.
"C-captain Levi- I'm so- I mean I didn't-" Levi holds his hand up indicating that she stop with her incoherent babbling.
"Shut up brat, I just wanted to see if I couldn't scare the piss out of you," he spoke crudely and blunt and it somewhat shocked Cassidy. While he had talked to some people like that he had never done so to her, and it put a slight bit of irritation into her. Something flickered in his eyes, and he looked down at his boots, no doubt noticing any imperfections with them. "Just, let's get back inside," he mumbled, turning away from where Cassidy now stood.
"Alright captain," she spoke, emphasizing the word 'captain' unnecessarily. They walked with calm steps back to the entrance of the building and Levi pushed the doors open with ease and warm air grazed over the exposed skin of the two. When they came across Cassidy's room Levi did not stop like he did the last time he walked with her, but rather walked even faster. Annoyance clouded over Cassidy, and as she sat in bed she played with her thumbs and thought about how the stars looked like freckles in the sky, calming herself.
Levi on the other hand paced around his office trying to think of what to do with the paperwork that crowded his desk, battle plans, budgets for gear, postioning, he flipped mindlessly through a stack that made a home on the left side of his desk and stopped when he came across a death list. Eld Jinn, Gunther Schultz, Oluo Bozado, Petra Ral, Jean Kirstein... it just keeps dragging on, it keeps going, there is no end to the lives lost, there never will be. All of them, gone, all of the people who trusted their lives to me, to the Survey Corps, gone, with a small heartbeat that maybe they didn't even know would be their last, gone. Pointless deaths resulting in nothing. Nothing has been gained from the years of torture upon humanity, and nothing will be gained. It doesn't matter how good of a soldier someone is because in the end it all amounts to nothing but loss of hope and faith. Levi sighs, running his hands through his hair and then letting them rest on him face. "Why!?" He kicks the table causing a loud noise to echo around the room, "why does it all mean nothing!? Why is it that people who are merely children are encouraged to give up their lives!?" He rubs his hands over his face in aggravation. He balls his hands into fists and grabs his coat, his feet making quick unsteady thuds against the ground as he makes his way out the door and to the training forest.
He doesn't plan on training but rather scaling a tree and sitting in the moonlight, simmering down and not letting his anger get to the point where he breaks everything in his room. "Thirty years old and I can't manage my temper," he mumbles to himself as he briskly hooks the gear around his waist before storming out of the small shed. At this point his face no longer displayed a stoic expression but rather a vulnerable one, you could see the pain reflected through his eyes as he peered at the moon shining dim rays through the branches of the trees. Tch escapes from his mouth as he tries to hold his guilt as anger, "don't you have any human feelings at all!?" Levi speaks in a tone that mocks that of one of the soldiers whom had spoken to him after they were signaled to retreat. He sighs internally and brings his hands up to his face once more, and leaves them there as he tries to convince himself decisions that have been made were not the wrong decisions. But captain, there are no wrong decisions! You can never know the outcome! He silently curses his own words for god knows he didn't believe a single one of them, how do you forgive yourself for lives lost at your own orders? Pointless deaths. Pointlesspointlesspointless. It beats rapidly in his head and he starts to breathe unevenly, "god, why? Why has it been so many months since that and yet I just can't forget it? Why is it that I can't forgive myself?" The last question he knew the answer to, 'because it's your fault' a voice echoed in his head.
Ever since the last time he saw close comrades die he couldn't seem to control his emotions quite as well, and couldn't seem to choose anybody new for his team. Sure he had a couple but it wasn't them it never could be them and god did that bring a pain throughout his body. God did it hallow him out to such an extent that he was just some blank wall. Don't you have any human feelings? "I do! Or I did..." He speaks to himself as if there were someone confronting him right at this moment. Fuck, I miss them. He felt the choking feeling resurface like it had many nights. Cold, cruel, emotionless... Did they think he didn't hear them? He slammed a fist into the branch that he sat on and inhaled sharply through clenched teeth. It's just her, she's been leaving him flustered since they properly met. She's just like Petra was at first, his head always told him, and all he could say back was 'no' because of the fact he didn't want there to be someone like Petra, he wanted Petra, he wanted Eld, and he wanted Gunther, he wanted his special squad, he wanted something that was in fact not possible. Once they're gone they're gone, dead is dead. His own words stung right into his mind, they often came back to bite him, more frequently at night, when he realizes just how different it is with some soldiers no longer there.
Usually the halls would be filled with the laughter of his squad and they would all have tea and just talk, Levi had grown acquainted to those in his squad like he never had before with anyone. He never allowed it, and he never should have changed that, because life is only temporary, especially in this place. As much as everyone will say it is heartless to be like Levi is it's more intelligent to do so because this is what happens. You spend nights on end just thinking about how you fucked up for everyone, about how it's your fault they didn't make it back to their hopeful wide-eyed families, for fucks sake that hurts, it would hurt anyone. The moment you look that hopeful eyed parent or sibling in the eyes and say "oh yeah they didn't make it back because my plan fucked up, so yeah they're dead now, but it was all in vain because the mission wasn't a success anyways, oops sorry," that is the moment that you know real pain because it flickers from that family members eyes right into your dreams every night.
Levi continues torturing his mind with thoughts of what could I have done and what should I have done. Thinking over the unchangable, and trying so hard to change it, but there is no give in that, it's like trying to put a broken vase together with just your bare hands. You're either going to end up getting cut and or upset and it was all for nothing. He's like a small child that has done something wrong but they didn't realize it until afterwards and they're trying to their full extent to change what they have done, although there is no way to do so. When the night becomes more like day is when he finally gets off the tree and takes off his equipment. He places the stoic face back on and heads to the entrance of headquarters, making himself a glass of coffee and running his hands through his hair once more as soon as he makes it over to the kitchen.
He sighs heavily, "another day."